My WW and I have been married for 21 years. We have developed a rut, and have let our love banks become overdrawn. We have not met each others emotional needs for years. I am low T and low libido, and through stubbornness and fear had not sought treatment.

Ten years ago, WW had an affair. With the help of members here, and direct conversation with Steven Harley, I was able to help her end the A, and we entered a period of happiness and fulfillment. After the twins were born, we began to drift. I am a devoted and loving father, and WW is (was) a wonderful mother. We allowed our love for each other to take a second seat to the kids.

I did not follow all of the directions I was given 10 years ago. I failed to continue to meet her needs, and our relationship suffered. She began withdrawing from me, and I was blind to it.

After being a SAHM for 6 years, WW recently got a job with the grandfather of one of DD's friends (OM). Unfortunately this new experience and the attention from OM caused her to completely withdraw from me. I had no clear understanding of the degree of her unhappiness until we had a recent discussion, but by then it was too late.

I will try to be brief, but I have a couple of immediate concerns. OM was convicted of 3 counts of sex abuse over 20 years ago, as well as unlawful dealing with a minor. He was convicted later of assault and solicitation to commit assault when he and two thugs beat up his XW boyfriend. WW dismissed my discovery of this information, saying that it must not be true. She subsequently allowed our DS to ride in a combine with OM unsupervised. Also, last night DD(6) said OM and WW act like a couple.

Even though I don't have proof, I called WW's enabler sister tonight to inform her of my concerns. She knows about the A (but didn't offer any info), but she knew nothing about the crimes. I have not seen WW since this conversaton. I am not sure what will happen next. I am very concerned about the depth of the fog.

Did you have a question for us? Did you want help saving your marriage?

What was your former posting name?

I desperately want help. I am trying to remember my last username. I am working to better myself, and seeking medical help re Low T. WW agreed to see a counselor, but our appointment is not until 11/1. I will post old username when I find it.

My question is, what do I do about WW letting DD and DS be near this criminal OM while fixing my faults and trying to stop the A?

Do you have direct evidence of the affair?

i think its noble that you would try to fix your faults, but you have more pressing issues here, namely killing this affair and protecting your children from a bad dude.

The reason your wife has had a 2nd affair is because she has poor boundaries around men. You could have met her needs 1000% and she would have still had an affair as long as her lovebank was open to others.

This will likely spell the end of your marriage because "counselors" are destructive to marriages. It will make it 10x harder for us to help you save this if you are seeing an unqualified marriage counselor who validates your wife's foggy thinking. Marriage counselors are not experienced with infidelity and cause great damage.

The advice we give here comes from Dr Bill Harley, who specializes in infidelity.

Thanks for your quick response MelodyLane. I do not yet have proof of A other than my perception and WW's shiftiness. I am still looking for the trove of info in my old posts. Gimble was a big help back then.

That is where I would start. What would be the quickest way to get evidence? Do they speak on the phone? Does he come to your home?

Can you afford a PI?

Unfortunately I don't have any budget for PI now, but I did some amateur sleuthing in the past.

I figured out my original username, FORGED. Should I delete this thread and start again there?

I will notify the mods and ask them to merge your old thread so folks can see the backstory!

For now, you need to quickly put together a plan to spy on her and get the evidence.

I would also strongly consider seeing an attorney tomorrow about protecting your kids. Their protection comes first.

I have also requested a meeting with our Pastor, and she has agreed to talk there. Do you also recommend against that?

WW works for OM. Place of business is near our house. I did look at her phone while she was asleep. Not much there. He texted a pic of him and a friend at a football game. WW also said in a txt to enabler SIL that I probably asked her to meet with pastor because "she couldn't lie to him"

I would FIRST get the evidence of the affair and then ask your pastor to reach out to her and ask her to end her affair. He can be a great exposure target. But don't do that until you have gathered evidence and exposed the affair.

Are you familiar with the effectiveness of exposure?

I found your last thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1323353&page=1

That is great that you have access to her phone. You can download spyware on it. One good one is: https://webwatcher.com/

another that some have used is teensafe. Check out this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832187#Post2832187

You should stop trying to get your wife to confess and get the evidence. Don't ask her anymore if she is having an affair. Don't try to get your pastor to do this either. It is your job to get the evidence. Once you do that, we can help you with next steps.

I will work on the ware, and will gather other evidence. I will speak with our pastor solo at first, and will enlist his help at exposure time.

Forged, you were here a long while ago, and much has changed on the forum since your first post.

I don't usually post in betrayed husband's threads, but wanted to recommend that you read a recent husband's thread.

I just have a hunch that you've got what it takes to have a similar result: wifedivorcing's story

I will read that thread and reread my old thread. I expect SHTF this evening. SIL said she would talk to WW today about OM''s crimes. Unfortunately I opened that can before I checked here.

WW is not tech savvy, so I should be able to get software loaded soon. She wears her phone like a scarlet letter, so it's all about the timing.

Forged, I would not take the time to read your old thread. The reason is because, unfortunately, the forum wasn't following the MB program back then; it was more of a platform to share personal opinions. We follow it to the letter now because we realize it gives you the best chance possible at recovery. I have been here every day for 15 years and I adamantly believe in the effectiveness of the MB program.


Great!!

One thread that would be very helpful is this one - he did save his marriage: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2801487&page=1