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Hi guys,

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. Together for 4. 60% of it was in real life.

It started about 10 weeks ago, when I got a new job. This new job cost me a lot of time, and I forgot about my wife a bit. She mentioned several times that she missed me, but I didn't pay attention to her needs. After 5 weeks she told me she almost dated someone else, and the reason her telling me was so I could do soemthing about it. We got into a few fights, but no jealousy from my side, I also didnt ask who it was, but she later mentioned it was someone at work. Which I don't buy though. I actually think she was crying wolf, cuz it wasnt the first time.

We were supposed to be together permanently as per march 2017. And haven't seen her since July.

I gave her a little more attention but I felt that was getting colder the more I gave her. Two weeks ago I had this gut feeling something was not good, and I called her a few days later to ask if we were doing fine. She said yes, but things have damaged.

One week ago I was getting paranoid, cuz she changed her daily habits. I thought things were really [censored] up now. Two days ago I called her saying 'Do you want me to fly soon or not?' She said that it was 'up to me,' several times. Then I told her I will fly the next day. That night I noticed she couldnt sleep, she was popping up in FB all the time. I called her to see if she was okay. She said 'I dont want this marriage anymore,' and asked her 'Do you want to separate' and she said 'yes'. Then I asked her if she was 100% sure about it and she said 'yes.' I asked her if she cheated, has an affair or was in love with someone else. She said no. Later that conversation I asked her if she could give me a chance she said ' Ill try'

10 minutes later I asked her again if she was in love with someone else, she said yes. He gives me all you don't give me. I am not the clingy type, and can be quite hard on her. I emotionally damaged her I think, with not paying enough attention, not appreciating her enough, taking her for granted, and living to much of a selfish life. She said that she didnt want me to come. I eventually said that we are married and I want to fight for it. I asked a few times who the fling was, but she said it didnt matter. I gave up, cuz she won' t give the name anyway. I asked if she could pick me up from the airport, and she said yes, we can talk face to face then.

I flew (from Germany to Philippines), and she didn't pick me up, I waited two hours and eventually logged in on FB with someone's phone to read the message 'I am not going to pick you up,' which was yesterday. I went to her job but she left a few minutes earlier.

I called her and she picked up. I told her it was very lame to leave me for dead at the aiport, cuz she knew I couldnt read the message. She said she didnt want to see me today. I asked her where she was but she said it didn't matter. I said it does to me cuz I want to talk to her. She said she needed time to think, she would meet me tomorrow evening. Which is today. I told her my flight was going back at 4:30 so we had to meet in the morning. She didnt really want but okay. She then told me I could sleep in her house cuz she wasnt there. I refused and told her I would get a hotel instead. During our message I have always had girls hunting me, quite the intelligent and hot girls too.

Last night I sent her a message 'I decided to not take the flight back. So if you are not ready to talk we can talk some other time.'

I am pretty sure she is kinda jealous (maybe I'm wrong) because when I would sent her a message before my flight, she would ignore it, after my flight she ignored it too. Until today. Instead of reading the messages she's writing 'ok' now. And even asked me where I slept last night. She said we could talk later today.

Here I am...waiting...

What to do? What to except? How to play it?

When I was still in my country, I asked her if she didnt love me anymore she said 'of course I do.

I just noticed she went on a trip past few days ago, or maybe last night...without her wedding ring. She updated her FB picture, but she left our marriage status like it was and hasnt changed her name yet. Does this mean anything?

Last edited by johnnyempec; 11/18/16 05:59 AM.
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I know my mistakes..I didnt give her enough undivided attention, love, appreciation and a listening ear. Always coming up with solutions instead of listening. Except for the past 6 months when I started to listen more.

Last edited by johnnyempec; 11/18/16 06:01 AM.
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She updated her profile pic several times to a new one, showing a recent trip, but now changed it back to an old one. Is she testing me?

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Who is this OM? Is he married?

Have you read the exposure thread? When will you be going home for good?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I don't know who the guy is, a good chance that he is married. Yes I have read about it.

Okay...she texted me to come to her place to talk. We spoke about 3 hours, and she only had a few hours sleep left before going off to work.

She told me:

1) she was tired about me controlling her emotions
2) I was fake
3) I was emotionally unavailable and
4) she doesnt know if things will work out
5) she will help me with whatever is needed for my stay here
6) she was comparing me to the other guy who she emotionally dated for 4 weeks. To see what I didnt give her.

I told her I wanted to fight for it and will show her from this day forward, and again she told me that she wasnt sure if things would work.

Later she started to cry a little telling me she lost the connection between us. I told yes 'yes I know.' I was very honest this night and explained her how I felt.

She also told me she didn' t want to live together yet. She will tell me when she's ready.

Later the night she took a shower and we had sex. I could feel things were way off for sure, but she enjoyed it she said.

My goal now is to reconnect with my wife and to take care of my emotions, to be emotional available. I was too afraid of telling her my true emotions. And to stop manipulating her.


Hope things will work out. How am I standing here?

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You need to find out who this OM is and expose.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Do you have his phone number or email or social media?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Nothing. She doesnt reveal anything about him.

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Originally Posted by johnnyempec
Nothing. She doesnt reveal anything about him.
You need to put spyware on her devices.

Can you check online phone records to look for a number?

Can you hire a PI?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I could also ask if she still has contact with him, she'll be very honest about it. I'm sure.

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Originally Posted by johnnyempec
I could also ask if she still has contact with him, she'll be very honest about it. I'm sure.
I don't think you understand. You need to find out who this OM is so you can kill the affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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How about a friend of OM who is already exposing them?

Last edited by johnnyempec; 11/19/16 03:46 AM.
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I think it's already exposed at her work.

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Originally Posted by johnnyempec
How about a friend of OM who is already exposing them?
How do you know this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by johnnyempec
I think it's already exposed at her work.
You need to make sure it has been exposed at work and use the templates in the exposure thread.

We have a BH that is currently on the board and has refused to expose at his WW's job where OM works with her. Her affair has been active the whole time, just becoming more entrenched. You have a short window to kill the affair and you need to act now. You need to find out OM's name.
Read this and then tell us your exposure list and plan.
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Would I piss her off if I do expose?

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Originally Posted by johnnyempec
Would I piss her off if I do expose?
Yes, of course you will. You wouldn't expect her to thank you for it, would you?

But if you've read about exposure, including Dr Harley's articles on how affairs should end, and the section on exposure in the book Surviving an Affair, and the links in MelodyLane's signature, and the many threads here where exposure crippled the affair - and the current thread where the betrayed husband is back, lamenting the fact that he did not listen to us months ago and exposure at work, so the workplace affair is continuing to this day - you will already know that the need for exposure is undeniable.

There are no cases in which exposure can be skipped. None at all.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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What if I can't get the name? Exposing still good? I'm reading exposing 101 now.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by johnnyempec
How about a friend of OM who is already exposing them?
How do you know this?
Please answer this.

You need to find out who OM is. How can you expose them at work if you don't know his name?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
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Originally Posted by johnnyempec
What if I can't get the name? Exposing still good? I'm reading exposing 101 now.
Did you put spyware on her devices?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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