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#2890604 11/29/16 06:19 AM
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I had the perfect marriage...and some how a year ago I had an affair and flipped our lives upside down. My husband and I were addicted to an online game, he was more addicted to the game and I was addicted to the social aspect of the game. We lost communication, I became a nasty wife and the rest is a horrible history from there. I was caught and I moved out for some time. It took time to get my thoughts clear and back on track. I moved home, I want to rebuild my marriage. My husband took me back and we are going to a counselor.

I have read his needs her needs, and I loved it. That book finally made sense of what my husband had been asking for regarding his sexual needs. He saw a difference in our relationship and how I was trying once I finished the book.

My husband has his good and bad days as I expect he will. He has moments of blow ups and I listen and let him vent about what I have done. I apologize up and down but I know nothing I say matters cause he's lost all trust in what I say. He sleeps very little through the week. His over active mind wakes him and he thinks about the affair or this mornings new thoughts were...what is happening. I don't expect him to forget, but how can I help him redirect his thoughts. He will look at me at times and I see the pain in his eyes and I wonder is he thinking about leaving...thinking of what I did...or thinking he doesn't love me anymore. As he has his daily reminders, I have mine. Of course mine are how could I have been so stupid, I have ruined everything we ever had that everyone was so jealous of. Usually his bad days turn into my bad days. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which is now medically under control. I realize I've lost a lot of friends over this and have a hard time turning to anyone for advice or just a shoulder to lean on.

My husband thinks I'll get tire of his bad days and leave again. I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that I'm here until for as long as he allows me to be and that I'll fight for him even after that. Some days I feel like he loves me and other days I feel like he has one foot out the door. We have good times still, and usually a bad day every 3 days or so. Which means he wakes up in the morning, which then I wake up. I try to rub his head and forehead to put him back to sleep, then he either says what is bothering him or once he's at work and we start texting he will lay out what is bothering him. This of course has me crying in my cubical at work through the day, looking for a friend to turn to...which lately is my religious friends.

He says he can see me trying everyday and he doesn't know what more I can do. He says he's trying or he wouldn't be here with me still. I feel like he's constantly bringing it all back up to keep the pain there.

I assume this is all normal or as normal as it gets while trying to rebuild after an affair. I want to earn his trust and respect again and I don't expect it to happen over night. Is there anything more I can do for him to help us? Will he ever put the past to rest and proceed to working on the present and future. I don't expect him to forget, but work on forgiving. Are we sitting stagnate in a stage of the rebuilding process, what should I expect to come.

I feel like in counseling, our closeness and love towards each other shows. I think our counselor was shocked the first time he met us to see us holding hands sitting so close...laughing and joking with each other. The perfect marriage is still there behind the affair. Will it ever come back out from behind the curtain?

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You need the book "surviving an affair". It is the roadmap to recovery. Your counselor is most probably less capable of helping you than the book.

Some chapters you will know from "His needs, her needs". That is because the basic concepts are the same. SAA points out what steps you need to take after an affair to rebuild trust.

Did you watch the video on infidelity?
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Who did you have the affair with? Do you still see this person? Ae your devces password protected or has your husband acces to your phone and computer?

He will be able to put the past to rest if you eliminate the possibility of it ever happening again and if you create a romantic relationship that is better than it was before the affair. "Surviving an affair", gives you the plan to get this done.

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I have the book and I loved it. As I said in my original post, my husband saw a big improvement after I read it.

The person lives in another state and no I do not have any communication with person at all. My phone is not password protected and I leave it around for him to look at if he so chooses. My computer has a password, but he knows it...plus I don't use it much of anything. I barely use my phone at this point except to text him or my few girl friends. When I get home from work I barely touch it...A glance at FB and then throw it to the side.


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Originally Posted by TrueRegrat25
I had the perfect marriage...and some how a year ago I had an affair and flipped our lives upside down. My husband and I were addicted to an online game, he was more addicted to the game and I was addicted to the social aspect of the game. We lost communication, I became a nasty wife and the rest is a horrible history from there. I was caught and I moved out for some time. It took time to get my thoughts clear and back on track. I moved home, I want to rebuild my marriage. My husband took me back and we are going to a counselor.
Welcome to MB.

Can we back up for a second and look at this affair? How does someone with a "perfect marriage" "somehow" have an affair? An affair doesn't drop out of the sky onto your head.

How did you go from online gaming to having an affair? Who was it with - another gamer? What did it consist of - was there virtual sex? Did you ever meet in person? How long did it last?

How were you caught, and what made you move out? Did you move out to be with your affair partner? What happened? If not, why did you move out, and where did you go? For how long were you away? What made you move back home? Did you husband ask you to go back? How did you end contact with your affair partner? Where is he now - how far away? Was you affair partner married? Was his wife ever told?

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? how old?


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Our marriage was perfect and about 2 years ago my husband said he was missing something in the bedroom, but couldn't explain to me what it was. I thought it was romance. I did what I thought was what he wanted, but romance isn't what men are looking for, which I learned from his needs her needs. Over a year ago we began playing this game on our phones. We spend thousands of dollars and would leave our friends on the weekends out to go home and play this stupid game. We would sit on oposite sides of the couch and we were consumed by this game. Let me clarify we didn't play this game with or against each other, just at the same time. Friendships grew with this game, people used another app to talk outside the game on a regular basis without having to share phone numbers. I got close with another player and we would talk every day. It started out as friends and led to sexting pics. This started in Sept and by Feb we met and spent 2 nights together while I was away for a class for work. We slept together during that time. In March my husband figured it out and my instant reaction was defensive and moved out. I found every excuse to justify why I did it. After a little over a month at my fathers house, I told the OM that I wanted to work on my marriage. I was upset, but I could see my husband was making the effort to change. I didn't end the game or communicating with other players at this point. One day in April a friend said the OM had a cancer scare. I reached out in concern....was I played, probably. I continued to talk to him for a 3 weeks or so, and my husband is very good at getting information and he busted me once again and confronted me at counseling. I admitted it but i hesitated. At that point I stopped communication immediately and told the OM that I couldn't continue to talk to him if I was working on my marriage, and I haven't spoken to the OM since. I deleted the game, deleted the friends from the game on FB, I have no private phone numbers, and I deleted the other app that allows you to talk without phone numbers. All communicate is done and I haven't looked back. I live in PA, he lives in KY for work while his family (wife and kids) live in SC. His wife as far as I'm aware knows nothing. Of course I was told he filed for divorce, but my husbands resources say otherwise. My husband and I have been together 8 years, but married 3. We both have kids to our first marriages. His is 26 mine is 10.

A history on my husband and I is that we started unconventionally ourselves. He had an emotional affair before leaving our first spouses. I filed for divorce from my husband not only to be with my husband now, but to get away from my verbally and mentally abusive husband. About 2 months later he filed for his divorce from his first wife, who years prior to their divorce also cheated on him. So now my husband thinks this is a cycle for me, and that I will do this again.

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Originally Posted by TrueRegrat25
Our marriage was perfect and about 2 years ago my husband said he was missing something in the bedroom, but couldn't explain to me what it was. I thought it was romance. I did what I thought was what he wanted, but romance isn't what men are looking for, which I learned from his needs her needs. Over a year ago we began playing this game on our phones. We spend thousands of dollars and would leave our friends on the weekends out to go home and play this stupid game. We would sit on oposite sides of the couch and we were consumed by this game. Let me clarify we didn't play this game with or against each other, just at the same time. Friendships grew with this game, people used another app to talk outside the game on a regular basis without having to share phone numbers. I got close with another player and we would talk every day. It started out as friends and led to sexting pics. This started in Sept and by Feb we met and spent 2 nights together while I was away for a class for work. We slept together during that time. In March my husband figured it out and my instant reaction was defensive and moved out. I found every excuse to justify why I did it. After a little over a month at my fathers house, I told the OM that I wanted to work on my marriage. I was upset, but I could see my husband was making the effort to change. I didn't end the game or communicating with other players at this point. One day in April a friend said the OM had a cancer scare. I reached out in concern....was I played, probably. I continued to talk to him for a 3 weeks or so, and my husband is very good at getting information and he busted me once again and confronted me at counseling. I admitted it but i hesitated. At that point I stopped communication immediately and told the OM that I couldn't continue to talk to him if I was working on my marriage, and I haven't spoken to the OM since. I deleted the game, deleted the friends from the game on FB, I have no private phone numbers, and I deleted the other app that allows you to talk without phone numbers. All communicate is done and I haven't looked back. I live in PA, he lives in KY for work while his family (wife and kids) live in SC. His wife as far as I'm aware knows nothing. Of course I was told he filed for divorce, but my husbands resources say otherwise. My husband and I have been together 8 years, but married 3. We both have kids to our first marriages. His is 26 mine is 10.

A history on my husband and I is that we started unconventionally ourselves. He had an emotional affair before leaving our first spouses. I filed for divorce from my husband not only to be with my husband now, but to get away from my verbally and mentally abusive husband. About 2 months later he filed for his divorce from his first wife, who years prior to their divorce also cheated on him. So now my husband thinks this is a cycle for me, and that I will do this again.
There is an awful lot of rug-sweeping in this account.


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Originally Posted by TrueRegrat25
A history on my husband and I is that we started unconventionally ourselves. He had an emotional affair before leaving our first spouses. I filed for divorce from my husband not only to be with my husband now, but to get away from my verbally and mentally abusive husband. About 2 months later he filed for his divorce from his first wife, who years prior to their divorce also cheated on him. So now my husband thinks this is a cycle for me, and that I will do this again.
Is that supposed to read "we had an emotional affair..."? You had an affair with each other, and left your spouses because of it?


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In addition to SugarCane's question that you and your now H started as an affair. The OM's Wife needs to be told about the affair. She need to protect herself. Also you need to change all contact information and get rid of your smart phone and computer.


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Originally Posted by TrueRegrat25
I have the book and I loved it. As I said in my original post, my husband saw a big improvement after I read it.

Originally you said you read His Needs; Her Needs. The book they are talking about is Surviving an Affair. Have you read that one, and if so are you implementing the steps it advises?

Surviving an affair has some of the information in His Needs Her Needs, but it's much more and specific to your situation.

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Originally Posted by TrueRegrat25
A history on my husband and I is that we started unconventionally ourselves. He had an emotional affair before leaving our first spouses. I filed for divorce from my husband not only to be with my husband now, but to get away from my verbally and mentally abusive husband. About 2 months later he filed for his divorce from his first wife, who years prior to their divorce also cheated on him. So now my husband thinks this is a cycle for me, and that I will do this again.

You spend an awful lot of time explaining WHY you had affairs on your first spouses here...yours was abusive and his cheated before so...all is fair in love and war? Take responsibility. You and your current H had affairs on your previous spouses, and now you have had an affair on your current H.

Should he think there is a pattern here? Of course he should, because clearly there is. You have terrible boundaries around the opposite sex, and allow them to meet your needs regardless of your marital status.

The very nature of 'affairages' (which is what you are in right now) is that they were built on lies and deceit. They have a much HIGHER divorce rate than the average marriage, which is already pretty high. So you basically entered into a statistically difficult marriage, and have now added another affair on top of it.

You could recover your marriage, by following Dr Harley's plan to affair proof your marriage. But I would say that you need to follow it *extraordinarily* in the same manner a serial cheater should. If you are unwilling to do that, your marriage will not survive.

The plan is outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

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I take responsibility for my actions, but my current husband and I did not build our marriage on lies and deceit. Nothing has been hidden from people about how we got together and we always told each other the truth. My lies came with the new affair.

I believe we are on the path to recovery, but I realize that time is needed to heal and this is still very fresh.

As for following the book I believe we do follow the outline pretty good. I've answered them below.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

* He knows everything at this point, he even did his own digging. He has much of the text messages and phone calls recorded that I had with the OM, so not being fully open and honest at this point makes no sense since he has the proof.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

*I have made that commitment and I have followed through with this. Also eliminated all communication with friends that are connected as well.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

* This hasn't been done.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

* I delete the means of communication, emails, phone numbers, the game app we met on, the line app, connected friends. No temptation is there.

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

* Again done as said above. As for my social media and emails, nothing is hidden and he has passwords to everything.

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

*My husband always knows where I am. We communication consistantly through the day. I've even send him a screenshot of my gps screen so he knows for sure. Really the only time he's not with me is when I'm at work.

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

* We have a joint account, and I am not a spender. He checks the account daily and knows exactly where every penny goes.

_____Spend leisure time together.

* We don't do anything apart. We enjoy our time together. There has never been a girls night or guys night out ever in our relationship.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

* No need, but I'm looking to change jobs cause I hate mine. Currently looking at a position to work from home.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

* Only occurs when he has to travel and stay over for work, which his job rarely has that happen.

* My new job training will require it, but that will be the end of that.

_____Allow technical accountability.

* My passwords have always been the same. He knows it and has always had access. My phone has no security. Usually if I'm looking at it, so is he.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

* Our family knows about the affair, my husband isn't religious, and our closest friends know.


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Did you hide your affair from your previous spouses while you were still with those spouses, or did you always tell them the truth during the time you were connecting with each other? I suspect that you hid your affair from them, and thus your relationship was indeed built on lies and deceit.

You show a startling lack of sensitivity in coming to a forum populated with people that have suffered the pain of betrayal, some of whom have lost their marriages to the affair, to ask for help with your current affair. The fact that you are now married does not stop what you are currently doing from being an affair. This forum is anti-affair.


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For starters:

It does not appear that your husband exposed to the OM's wife, friends and family. This is an essential part of just compensation to your husband if your marriage is to recover. He needs the assurance that the OM is being monitored by his wife, friends and family so OM is less likely and less able to reach out to you.

Also, you must hand write a letter to OM cutting off all communications, with verbiage acceptable to your husband (there are templates on this site) and allow your husband to mail it.

All avenues of OM's contact with you must be closed. You must close your email account and, if necessary, change your phone number. If I were your husband, I'd want you to carry a dumb phone with a different number. It is too easy to re-install the apps you used to communicate with OM even if you have deleted them. Otherwise your use of your phone will constantly trigger him to worry about whether you are communicating with the OM and will not allow him to put your affair into the past. Giving him the peace of living without this trigger is part of the just compensation you owe him.

Are you willing to take these steps immediately?

If not, allow your husband to walk away and save himself the bother of trying further as your marriage will become increasingly disastrous until it falls apart some day in the future anyway.

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Originally Posted by TrueRegrat25
I take responsibility for my actions, but my current husband and I did not build our marriage on lies and deceit. Nothing has been hidden from people about how we got together and we always told each other the truth.

This will be the first affair I have ever seen, after being on this board for 6 years and reading thousands of affair stories, where the affairees were completely 100% open and honest with everyone, including the spouses they betrayed.

I don't buy it.

I would be concerned if I were your current husband, because you do NOT take responsibility for your poor choices and lack of boundaries.

Once again, until you take full responsibility for your actions and take extraordinary precautions to protect yourself from another affair, this will happen again.

Just giving your H passwords to your phone, email, social media, etc. is not enough, when you are a serial cheater. You need to close all avenues for other men to meet your needs. What difference would it make if he had the passwords anyway, when according to you when you start an affair you are completely open and honest about it crazy

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Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by TrueRegrat25
I take responsibility for my actions, but my current husband and I did not build our marriage on lies and deceit. Nothing has been hidden from people about how we got together and we always told each other the truth.

This will be the first affair I have ever seen, after being on this board for 6 years and reading thousands of affair stories, where the affairees were completely 100% open and honest with everyone, including the spouses they betrayed.

I don't buy it.

I would be concerned if I were your current husband, because you do NOT take responsibility for your poor choices and lack of boundaries.

Once again, until you take full responsibility for your actions and take extraordinary precautions to protect yourself from another affair, this will happen again.

Just giving your H passwords to your phone, email, social media, etc. is not enough, when you are a serial cheater. You need to close all avenues for other men to meet your needs. What difference would it make if he had the passwords anyway, when according to you when you start an affair you are completely open and honest about it crazy

By the way, this goes for your H too. He also engaged in an affair in his first marriage, and seems to continue to have poor boundaries as he seems to have had the same potential for an online hookup as you did.

He would need to follow extraordinary precautions too.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
In addition to SugarCane's question that you and your now H started as an affair. The OM's Wife needs to be told about the affair. She need to protect herself. Also you need to change all contact information and get rid of your smart phone and computer.
Has the OM's BW been told? Why not?

I agree with the others that have posted to you, telling you that there is no way way you were open and honest with both of your exes about your affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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