Hello,
My spouse had an affair for 6 months, and I had decided to seek what was the reason he strayed, rather than quickly break our family apart. The affair finally ended 18 months ago and he has not seen her since. 5 months of it though, was happening right in front of me. It was extremely painful.

My problem is that for our 17 years of marriage before the affair, I did not meet his emotional needs. To be honest, this was a completely new concept to me. Not only did I not meet his needs, but I also had a angry outbursts, disrespectful words and I held all of my emotions inside... or as he says it "I live in my own head by myself".

He left her for me, but his pain is deep. He can not forget all of the years that I ignored him and said hurtful words, and he still sees me through those eyes. I feel like I am different and I am trying to meets his needs, but he says he feels I am exactly the same. He is withdrawn now, because it hurts too much when he gets his hopes up, that I will be able to meet his needs and live in "the real world" with him... and then I do something that is not thoughtful.. and he retreats. This has been our cycle for the past 18 months.

We both read his needs, her needs and we discussed our top 5 emotional needs for each of us... but my problem is that I still can't seem to meet his needs.

He says the absolute least, I need to 1, not treat him exclusively like a partner, and 2, meet his specific needs without him having to tell me what they are. If he has to tell me what they are, he feels like he is begging, and he'd rather not have me meet them then. He wants me to figure out new things that he didn't even know he wanted.

I am at a loss and feel we just go around in circles. Now he tells me that he doesn't even need me to meet his needs, he has lowered what he needs to live in this partnership with me.

I am going crazy... am I really that incapable of meeting my husband's needs? Or is what he is needing unrealistic in our marriage because he is looking at me through "the old me" glasses. He said he doesn't believe a word I say, because of how I was in our marriage all of the years prior to the affair.

The hard part is he had told me his affair partner met all of his emotional needs in the first instance they met... and that was the first time any woman had met his needs before. So now when I hear him say "I have lowered my standards, I don't have needs that need to be met by you"... I really hear "She met all of my needs, and you can't".

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

Hello DRS, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like he does a pisspoor job of meeting your needs, which is why you have had a hard time meeting his needs. Women have no problem meeting the top emotional needs of men, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment when their own needs are successful met. It doesn't sound like he has done a very good job over the duration of your marriage.

Secondly, having an affair is the most egregious act a spouse can commit against his spouse. It is on the same level as physical assault. As such, Dr. Harley is adamant that the wayward spouse give the betrayed spouse just compensation. Has your husband given you just compensation? Please check this out: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

What is your husband doing to make you happy? It doesn't sound like very damn much.

A woman's top intimate emotional needs are affection and conversation. How is he doing meeting your needs?

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks for your thoughts.. yes, absolutely. My needs are not being met.. and they weren't before the affair either. I was so wrapped up in my own head before the affair(and for most of our whole marriage), that I didn't even realize that 1, I actually had needs and 2, that they weren't being met. (This sounds ridiculous when I say this now!!) Now I realize that of course I had needs, and how I responded to them not being met was angry outbursts and disrespectful communications.

The problem is now he says he knows exactly how to meet my needs (based on how he met hers during the affair, not that he has actually ever met mine). He said he can meet my needs in a second, but he knows I can't meet his, because it is almost 2 years post affair and I still haven't met them. He refuses to have a " one way street" as he says of me having my needs met, when I don't give a damn about his.

The reason he committed adultery is because he has poor boundaries around women. He allowed another woman to meet his needs. Unless this is addressed and resolved, he will have more affairs. What things on this checklist have been done?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

If your husband is refusing to make amends to you and is refusing to meet your needs, you should plan to separate. it sounds like he is playing head games with you.

Is he still having an affair? Are you spying on him to see what he is doing? He sounds very wayward.

Since he has never successfully met your needs then how can he say he "can meet" your needs in a second?

Affection is definitely my top need. He knows this, he does not meet this need. He is waiting for me to meet his needs because he fears getting hurt again by making himself vulnerable and opening up to me.

The affair is definitely over. All of these steps have been taken.

Yes, he says he can, but he doesn't want to until I can prove that I can meet his. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.. I am not sure if I am just totally incapable or if we both have hurt each other so much that we just can't bring ourselves to get past our hurts.

That is really cute but he is not the victim. You are. What you should do is give him an opportunity to meet your needs and if he refuses, make plans to separate. This is all part and parcel of recovery after an affair. If a wayward spouse refuses to recover the marriage, it is time to separate and go into plan B.

How do you know?

Well I know of his where abouts all of the time... we both own a business together so we are together all of the time. He no longer keeps a password on his phone, although I don't check it anymore. He had the affair in front of my face for 5 months, it was way different after it ended.

He feels like he is the victim as well because I didn't care to meet his needs during our marriage, preaffair.

Where did he meet the OW?

He met her out one evening 2 summers ago when I was out of town with my children visiting family. He went out with a mutual friend for a drink, who brought her cousin along with her, someone I knew. In the first instance that she met my husband I believe her words were "Holy C$'P".. she knew he was married, but she filled him up and made home feel all the things that he never felt from me. They exchanged numbers and got together a couple days later. He told me about her 1 1/2 months later.

How was he able to sneak around and have an affair without your knowledge?

Some wife beaters also feel like they are the victims too. But, feelings are not truth. You are the victim here. he didn't meet your needs either and you didn't have an affair.

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If he had the affair in your face then it is your poor boundaries that are the main problem. That would be some serious enabling on your part. Would you agree that you are an enabler? Do you have any idea why you would allow yourself to be abused?

Is the OW married?