You also need to expose to the OM's BW. It is cruel for you not to. She deserves to know the truth about her life, and she deserves to be able to protect herself. Furthermore, it will help to have another set of eyes on what they are doing. There is absolutely no reason NOT to contact her and tell her today.

Whether she cheated on him in the past or not is completely irrelevant. You don't even know if that is true, and even if it is, that does not have any bearing on what your wife and her husband are doing right now. I don't know why you think that has any bearing on this at all.

Who all have you exposed to?

Have you exposed to the OM's BW? Have you told your children?

What EPs have been put in place?

1. Still trying to find the best method. I'm hoping to get something in place this week.

2. I don't understand what you are asking.

3. She has answered most questions (as in: virtually all, but not all). The thing is, I think she's minimized many of the details, too. I have a feeling that when she says, "I complained about you to the AP," she is leaving out just how badly she made me look. I know she compared my d*ck size with his (apparently he makes my average size tool look small by comparison) in pictures, etc, and the only reason to do that would be to really dig the knife in me. That makes me believe her "complaining" is code for stuff that's way worse than what she's letting on.

I want to know exactly what she did or said when she said she "complained" about me, but I haven't gotten any details.

She also has adamantly claimed it never got physical. The longer I go, the less I am inclined to believe that.

AFA notifying the OBS, I am trying to work that out. Trouble is, she lives 500 miles away and I have no contact info, and if I did, I'd have to try and figure out a way to do it without the AP getting in the way.

It should not be hard with facebook. Can you find her facebook account and find out where she works? You can call her house when you think the OM might not be there.

If I can expose to a man in New Zealand, I am confident you can successfully expose to this lady.

This is what I am talking about with EPs (extraordinary precautions). You have a lot of questionable answers on some pretty major EP's (like making sure the OM cannot contact your wife again...this has not been done).

Yes_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

Yes_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

Done via text_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

I guess so_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

Sort of_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

Not really_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

Sort of_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

Yes_____Spend leisure time together.

Not applicable_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

Yes_____Avoid overnight separation.

Mostly_____Allow technical accountability.

Mostly_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

OK, I have purchased Webwatcher, but every time I request data from it, it says the phone hasn't backed up to iCloud. I know the phone's automatic iCloud backup is ON, so I don't understand the problem.

AFA EPs, yes, we did not change the number on my wife's phone and yes, she still plays WWF. At this point, I am not convinced that either one is worth the trouble. That could change.

Also, after some sleuthing, I found out neither the AP nor the OBS are on facebook, so that route is out. I've googled her name in order to get a home phone number, but from what I gather, the AP/OBS have very little on the 'net due to security concerns (he's way up the food chain in the USCG). At this point, the only way I can see getting contact information is through my in-laws, who are friends with the AP's entire family. If that's the case, I don't see any way I can contact the OBS without my wife knowing first.

1. Both sets of parents, although I don't believe her parents truly understand the depth of what happened. I get the feeling that they (especially her mother) are trying to rug sweep, minimize, and blame me. I've also told a handful of people in my family and inner circle of friends (four people total).
2. I have come to the conclusion that I will expose the A to the OBS, but have not figured out how, yet. We have not told our children.
3. She deleted AP's contact info and deleted him from WWF and Instagram.
...

New update stemming from yesterday:

We went out walking last night (as is our daily custom), and when we got back home, she asked me if it would be alright for her to contact some guy on Words with Friends to tell him Merry Christmas. Given that she agreed to not use the chat feature of the game and only play the game from now on, I was taken aback by her request and looked at her funny.

She said he was a nice guy who lives in Ireland and that he even suggested that our 14yo daughter (who plays the game, too) change her username to help with online security.

This was a pretty significant trigger to me, and I just looked at her with disbelief and simply said, "I guess so. Thanks for thinking of me..." and then we went inside.

We hung out with the kids for the evening and then retired to bed. I was in bed for about five or ten minutes before she came into the bedroom, and the entire time my heart was pounding in my chest. It was a serious adrenaline dump going on.

When she came in, I couldn't even face her, so she snuggled behind me and asked if everything was OK (insert eye roll on my part). I told her it wasn't. She knew what the problem was and said she wasn't going to contact him and that she was sorry for asking. She said she realized how bad it looked as soon as she asked me, especially given that she had agreed not to message people within the game.

I told her what was going on in my head all evening long (who is this guy? How does she know he's from Ireland? Why does she want to wish some strange guy on an internet game Merry Christmas? How does he even know our daughter is on the game? I thought she agreed not to chat? Why does she think he's a "good guy?" Why haven't I seen any chat history with him?)

She said all the chatting was from the summertime, not since D-day, and that she's been good since then. I told her I was emotionally spent from hours of playing all this in my head and then rolled over and tried to go to sleep.

She got up, left the room for about 20 minutes, and then came back in.

Man, sometimes I wonder.

I'm sorry to say this, and especially on Christmas Day, but man, sometimes I wonder about the new betrayed husbands on this forum. Why are you just letting her do this?

Merry Christmas.

We talked yesterday at length, and she said she went out on the couch and cried and prayed and that she didn't (and wouldn't) contact the guy.

She seemed pretty broken up about it. Of course, I can take that a couple different ways:

1. She realized how much it hurt me by asking to contact the guy (btw, just in case anyone was wondering or confused...he is not the AP) when she already said she wouldn't chat with anyone.

2. Something's afoot and she is self-aware enough to know she's playing with fire (or at least tempted to continue playing with fire).

1987, your wife is never going to take this seriously if YOU don't take this seriously. I don't understand why you would agree to something so destructive to your marriage? Do you actually CARE about your marriage? Because I can't tell. You do understand that opposite sex friendships are how affairs begin right? Do you want to have a marriage? If so, you need to take this much more seriously.

I am also very concerned that your exposures have not been done. you asked us about exposing to the OM's wife a couple of weeks ago and it still has not been done? It takes about 24 hours for a person with minimal internet skills to locate someone and epxose to them. Is there a reason why this hasn't been done?

PLEASE get this done pronto, in addition to exposure to your children so you can move onto next steps. Dragging your feet is only dragging out your recovery.

This isn't surprising. Exposing an affair is the FIRST step towards recovery and when you don't expose an affair, you leave the window wide open for the WS to remain wayward and foggy.

This step cannot be skipped. It is THAT important.

You are to tell the children alone, without your WW's involvement and without warning her beforehand.

You understand that, right?

What gets me is why "the conditions that made the affair possible" have not been voluntarily eliminated. She should not be on any social media at all, and really, she should not have a smart phone. Have she made any attempt to find a push-button phone, or perhaps to come off a call plan, and have a cash sim card with no data added? Has anything like this even been considered?

I would even go so far as to say she shouldn't have a phone. If you have a landline to your house, she could manage perfect well with that - that's what I do, and I've never had an affair. I have a mobile phone that I do not use. She should also agree readily to give up Internet use unless you are in the room with her. It really is no use her crying and praying that she can give up this addiction. if she wants to save your marriage, she needs to give up the sources of the addiction.

You need to discuss this with her, today. I can't believe that she is openly contacting these men after what she's already done, and the most you are doing is posting here about it, and wringing your hands.

No, I don't. I've never gone through this before. D-day was three months ago and I'm still trying my best to understand it all.

You guys rolling your eyes at me doesn't help me.

We understand that you are new to this, but a very early post to your thread told you to do something that we tell everyone:

The Exposure 101 thread has information about the importance of telling your children. It is part of the "Start Here" thread that is pinned at the head of this forum, and it is linked as part of MelodyLane's signature (she has posted to you). It explains that you need to be the one to do this. Your spouse will not readily agree to do this. If they agree at all, they will want the exposure to be done in such a way that their reputation is protected; e.g. by persuading you to say that you, their parents, have "had some problems".

Dr Harley says that YOU need to tell the children, and all them how the affair affects you. He says "An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behaviour"

It is important that you tell the children, today.

My friend, we are not rolling our eyes at you!! We are doing this:

Read this and listen to the clips in here.
Exposing to Children

Also, what have you done to find the OM's BW?

Nobody is rolling their eyes at you. However we cannot and will not pat your back when you're in the path of the oncoming train, and we can see you're going to get hit, again!

Unfortunately BSs, especially BHs, want to cherry pick through the program and avoid rocking the boat with their WW's. That won't work. We know because we see it all of the time.

Our goal isn't to avoid making your wife angry but it is to save your marriage. Sometimes being blunt with a BS who is making foggy rationalizations for why they don't "really" need to follow each step is the only way.

Really hope you wrapped up your exposures today!

I scoured facebook...no dice. My W told me a few years ago that the AP wasn't on facebook due to security reasons with his job at the USCG, and I can only assume his W isn't on it, either.

I googled her name trying to find a home phone number. Aside from having to pay random sites for that info, there's nothing available.

My in-laws are (or have been) friendly with the AP's family for decades. Other than getting contact info from them (my in-laws), I don't know how to proceed at this point. I'm also pretty sure the AP has a pretty tight lid on all forms of communication with respect to his household (according to my W), so I'm not sure what'd I do if I got the landline number and he had all calls forwarded to his cell phone. I just don't know how to proceed right now, but I am committed to telling the OBS.

AFA my kids are concerned, I am devising a plan to tell them.

I am not sure how to do all this, folks. I don't want to do anything wrong and mess it all up. You must understand this, right?