Good.

This will help you come up with the questions to ask.
Polygraph Testing

I asked her a question last night:

Me: "If there was a way that you could prove to me that you didn't get physical with him, would you jump at the opportunity?"

Her: "I don't know how I could do that, but yes, I would. What do you have in mind?"

Me: "You could take a polygraph."

Her: "It hurts me to think that you still don't trust me and what I say, but if that's what you want me to do, I will. You know everything already, but I'll do it."

Unfortunately, a lot of WSs will initially agree (hoping that you will not follow through, which many do not) or sometimes they will agree and then trickle truth you some more hoping, again, that you will believe you finally have entire truth and not follow through.

The only way to be sure you have gotten the truth is to follow through. And I would set this up ASAP. These early steps need to get out of the way so that you can move on to recovery.

I have to tell you, I went back and re-read the history and I am about 99.9999% certain (as certain as you can be without a poly) that the A was a physical one. I have not seen a WS mother of small children do such things like send nude pics and driving cross country to see their OP and unless they were looking for a PA to happen, sorry to tell you.

Please just get this step done ASAP.

You may have to look into a PI to get the information on OMBW for you then.

Definitely we will all agree with you that ANY chatting with members of the OS on social media when you are married is over the line. However, I think the reason SugarCane was because you said this:


You seem to make a distinction between personal and over the line.

It may be uncomfortable to discuss these kinds of details but I really do think it's important to flush it out and I do agree with SugarCane's comments about your WW's chatting it up with other men... and I agree that the relationship with man from Ireland sounds like it IS another EA.

The thing that really stands out to me is that after your discovery of her first affair, her brazenly wanting to continue chatting with another man (regardless of whether you believe it is an EA or not) despite KNOWING the trouble this JUST got her into...That is more the behavior of a serial cheat. Not a one time, "oops, I was just talking to a coworker about my bad marriage and things spiraled out of control and I found myself in love."

This does not mean your M is not recoverable but additional steps DO need to be taken. Again, as SugarCane keeps bringing up, ALL social media would be extremely risky for your WW.

I know how hard it must be to hear these things. Believe me, I really do understand. But the worst thing we could do is ignore it and just let you get hit by more d-days down the road.

Susie,

I didn't intend for there to be a distinction as I wrote it. She was chatting about personal stuff, daily life stuff, and IMO there is no good reason to do that with the opposite sex if you are married. Even if it never progressed any further with any of them, it was still over the line.

I agee. Hire a PI. They will be able to get the information.

I also agree with the others that she needs to be off all social media since she has no boundaries. Dr. Harley states that all avenues that allowed the affair should be closed.

Do you know the county they live in? You can look on the county tax assessor's online site (most counties have them) and see if you can search records by name...if they own a home it will give you their address. Depending on what state they're in, you can also google the state and voter rolls, then search the name and get the address that way.

UPDATE

I finally found a phone number online that looked promising. After calling it, I spoke to the OBS' father. After introducing myself, I explained the situation to him and he seemed to indicate that his daughter already knew that something had happened with someone. He wasn't clear about it, but that's the impression he gave me.

Anyway, I left him my contact info and asked if he could pass it along to his daughter and hopefully she will see fit to contact me.

Did you ask him for her number?

He only offered to give her my contact information. I can understand why.

I guess she will call if she wants to.

1987, good for you!!! Hopefully her father gives her your contact information and she contacts you.

Good job for sticking with it and contacting him and I do hope she contacts you.

She contacted me!

Don't have much time right now, but suffice to day, my wife was special to the AP, just like all the other dozens of girls around the country he had chatted or hooked up with.

The OBS told me she knew something was going on between her H and my wife, but not exactly sure what. She even referred to my wife as "his girlfriend."

She said she is now planning on divorcing the AP due his infidelity over the course of their entire 18 year marriage.

Great job!!! I am glad you reached her. At least now she has the facts. No surprise that she was just one of many.

OK, so the OBS told me that her H has cheated on her at least ten times during their 18 year marriage. He's up the food chain in the USCG, so he travels a lot, and via hookup/dating sites, he had girls all over the country. The AP and OBS live in VA, but he had women in Denver, NJ, MS, MA, FL, etc., etc., etc.

The State of MS even sent him a letter requiring him to submit to a paternity test because his hookup got pregnant and was applying for welfare (the state wanted to know who the father of the child was).

The OBS told me my wife was on the AP's radar even before they got married (both my wife and I and the AP and OBS got married the same month in 1998). According to the OBS, the AP told her years ago that my wife called the AP before the wedding(s) and begged him not to get married to the OBS because she (my wife) was in love with him. I'm not sure how true that could be, because my wife and I had a GREAT courtship followed by years of honeymooning. Perhaps the AP simply lied about it. I asked my wife about it, and she denied it for the reasons I already stated. That part is quite bizarre. It must have been a lie told by the AP.

The OBS didn't know that her H and my wife actually had an affair. It was news to her. She was calm the entire time (except for a few times while relating her marital history to me) and simply said while she didn't know about this one, she wasn't surprised given her H's many offenses over the years. She said she knew something was going on with her H over the last year, but couldn't find out because he was getting pretty good at covering his tracks.

She said this was the final straw and now she's going to divorce him.

From what she said, she has an extensive collection of evidence from his adulterous history.

When I told her that my wife visited him in July while on a trip "to see family," she said, "Well, if he was alone with her, he didn't leave until he slept with her." She said her H is a sex addict and compulsive liar about everything, but he is very persuasive and got women all over to give him what he wanted.

All in all, we talked for about an hour. I was hoping to find out more information about the affair from her, but as I said, she didn't know anything specific about this one with my wife.

Do you think your WW hasn't told you everything? Did you tell the OMBW about MB? Do you know if she has told anyone else on her and her WH's family?

My WW has said that she's told me everything. My best guess is that she's telling me the truth, but...anything's possible.

No, I did not tell her about MB. It didn't even cross my mind.

When I spoke to her father, he seemed to not be surprised at all when I told him my wife had an affair with his SIL, so it's safe to say at least HER family knows about his infidelities.

Good job on finding and exposing to the OM's BW!

I would not count on them getting a D just yet. Oftentimes BS's will say that and then end up working on the M.

I wonder what my wife truly thinks about the AP, the affair, and what she did throughout the course of the affair now that she is aware that she was just one of many women this guy was chasing on the side.

Interestingly, when I mentioned to her a couple days ago that "it appears as though the cheater was cheating on the cheater," she made remarks about "them" (the AP and his wife).

"No," I said. "I'm talking about him and you."