I am a 57 year old man that is on his 3rd marriage. The first 2 wives had affairs and then divorced me. I have been having health problems for the last 4 years. The last couple years have plagued our marriage. My wife started an ea with a good friend of mine but when I exploded and accused her she denied and stopped coming home. Her family is poor and over the years 2 of her sisters and her mom and dad moved in with us. When I found text on her sisters phone interfering in my marriage I kicked her out. Their family went berserk. My wife and her sister filed protection orders against me. As it is a small community of 600 and they grew up there and my wife is the most loved person in town(that's why I love her) and I am an outsider I didn't stand a chance. Also my wife and her sister work as behavior counselors for little kids in the school when she accused me of sexual abuse and trying to kill her the whole town was in a uproar. I come from a very strong Christian background and don't believe divorce is the best choice. After the hearing the justice of the peace gave her a year protection order she filed for divorce and turned off my cell phone and cleaned out the house and turned off my electric and was given custody of the kids. I made it a point to not be mean or nasty and give everything I could. I brought my retired missionary parents up to help. My wife has eased up and started being nice and talking to me. I found mb and learned the things I have been doing wrong all my life and implemented them in and the results have been amazing. The problem I have is she has admitted the affair and has talked to our 2 children with me about it. She won't give up the affair but she is ready to move the kids back in with me. The problem is her family which she has grown tired of. We are talking daily and I am able to deposit steadily in the love bank. Because of the protection order if I expose her affair the way it's explained which I just got confirmation of things could go really bad for me legally and with getting the kids. I would rather take the bad rep and get the kids. I can always overcome the bad rep. I am open to suggestions.

Our suggestion would be to expose the affair, of course, because it will give you the best chance of saving your marriage. Not exposing it makes it much more likely you will get divorced. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret for her only helps it thrive and grow, which is against your best interest and the best interest of your children. A court will not take your children away for telling the truth.

Is the OM married?

No he is divorced with a 14 yr old.

The court already gave her custody. She is ready to give it back. If I go to battle and expose the affair in the way I am understanding I will be blaming her for the problems. They are more my fault than hers if not all my fault. I see it undoing all the work I have accomplished so far and starting over without any credibility.

I am discovering almost everybody knows about the affair. So far me and one of my grown daughters is the only ones that haven't known. I won't find out about church until Sunday or her work until school gets back in but all her friends and family already knew. I was about the only one who didn't. I guess I ought to get out more often

I have been telling people about the affair. I am superseded to find out how little they really know

Who have you told?

Are you using the template in the exposure thread?

I haven't seen the template. I have told her family I have told my family I have told the pastor I have told the principal I am trying to get access to her Facebook friends. I have told the 4 or friends of hers that I know. The OM is a friend of mine that has had a number of head injuries. He was chasing a local girl that had 2 little girls and he got upset because the father wasn't coming to the girls soccer games. One game the dad did come to the OM took a loaded pistol to and was going to shoot the dad. When the OM gets upset he does irrational dangerous things. I sent him a text telling him shame on him for what he has done to her family. He got angry and threatened me and cussed me out. My kids were at my home when he did it. He is unstable I am going to put a protection order against him and include my kids in it. I tried to work it out with my wife but she is too emotional. She just gets angry. I even tried to get a mediator. I hope I am doing the right thing. This is going to get messy again. I was hoping to find another way.

This has the templates in here. Exposure 101

I think you need to consider moving. Could you do this?

Whom on OM's side have you told?

I could move. My wife doesn't live with me. Because I was foolish enough to think my marriage wasn't at risk I let her have a protection order because I didn't understand what was going on and she was telling me it was my fault and I had anger issues. The protection order was to protect the affair and it did that very well. As soon as she had that secured she filed for divorce got custody of the kids which was automatic with A TOP cleaned out the house and moved with the kids. Now we are undoing the TOP filing a TOP of my own against the OM for me and the kids and filing a status quo motion, a motion for child emotional evaluation, guardian ad litem, parenting evaluation, court ordered educational programs on effects of dissolution of marriage on children,

The OM doesn't have any family close. He has an ex-wife 75 miles away with a 16 year old daughter he doesn't see very much. Should I look up the ex-wife? He is from Pennsylvania. That and Maine is where his family is. What does my wife see in him? My therapist told me women tend to pick the same type of man . I told her gee thanks. You just got your Christmas card cut up.

I took my kids to the same counselor I go to. My wife had another one she wanted to take them to and I agreed. She didn't send me the counselors information so I took them to mine anyway. It infuriated her. I told her she could still take them to the other one but that wasn't good enough. The next time I went to my counselor she informed me that this was the last session because her boss said she knew my family(my wife's because I have no family up here) and it was a confirm of interest. I don't believe that is the truth.

Very good radio show on exposure.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=9699

Why didn't you use POJA on which counsellor to go to!

Also, have you written Dr. Harley?

That was a very good segment. It showed me that I was making a lot of mistakes

I tried that.and we agreed. She got angry again and stopped communicating so I went back to my counselor. She finally set hers up but wouldn't give me the contact information so I continued my counselor and then when she gave me the contact started hers.

I didn't know I could write Dr. Harley. I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate the website. I'm afraid if I leave this page I might not find it again.

I have done something wrong. I was out driving around at 2 am because I couldn't sleep and saw that my wife's car wasn't home when I knew the kids were. I went to the OM'S cabin and her car was there. We are a small community (300) and I had been told she goes there most nights but I was trying not to spy because of the TOP. Her sister is raising my kids, she is never home. I honked the horn until she came out making excuses and dialing the sheriff. I left angry. The next day having calmed down I realized I had no right to interrupt her privacy and it did no good. I just made a bad situation worse. I emailed her an apology and told her so. I went to my daughter's basketball game and the OM tried to confront me as I was helping my 82 yr old mom and my 89 yr old dad. He glared at me the whole game. She is not talking to me but I have done everything I can. The TOP will be served on him next week.

You appologized to your wife that you disturbed her sleeping with another man?

Didn't help. She asked the court to find me in contempt of court. We have a hearing on the 27th.

I apologized for interfering with her privacy.

I am going to need help. I haven't worked for 4 years. Disability hasn't started yet and a lawyer is not a possibility. I have been using a law service but they scheduled the hearing too soon for me to get them to help. I have communication problems and need help saying the right things. The court does not know about the affair and the incidents she is using are all about him. I need to make this the beginning of total exposure including Facebook which last month I would have said never.

She is asking for more money. Should I give it to her? I think she wants it to go out to a concert tonight with the OM. I owe her the money but I could wait until tomorrow to give it to her. We have a common account I put money into so she can get it.

When I go to court the question will probably come up - why am I doing the things I am doing. The answer is simple, I could handle everything without reacting badly-including her affair until I discovered she was bringing the affair into the family. I cannot take the affair being around my kids. I react strongly and quickly and harshly. I don't believe the court will accept that behavior so I need a better way to explain it. I know I am not explaining it right so I am hoping someone can help.I am being tested for myotonic dystrophy. I have lost 115 pounds this year. when I go to court I will have to show that she is having an affair and that is the cause of the distress that is going on. The traits of affairs will be of a large help in this matter. With all the massive amount of information on Marriage Builders site I could use some direction on where to go to get the information I am after. My head is still spinning from all the information I have tried to ingest already. Going back and finding things I remember is not my strong point.

Don't give her any money that helps facilitate her affair.

Thank you. I feel that I should distance myself from her but I know that timing is important and things need to be accomplished and I am looking for a checklist. I am setting up new counselors. I feel like I am losing the war. Her cousin called me up and tried to tell me that I had to quit making it all about the kids and just get divorced and quit fighting.

The million dollar question. Do I leave her alone and not try to protect my kids? When she has the kids and she leaves them, 11yrs and 13yrs old, her sister lives with them, do I ignore things like that? Will they fix themselves? What I am doing is obviously not working. I am go berserk every time the affair enters the family. I react harshly and that is amplified by her when she gets mad which is when I do anything that is against her affair. Every time the affair enters the family I react harshly. Do I stop reacting and grin and bear it? Is there another way to handle this Children calling the Affair Daddy before the ink is wet thing?

The decision to distance myself was made for me. Today she hired a lawyer. This is a good thing. It relieves a lot of tension on me. Maybe I feel like there is somebody out there protecting her now. I don't know but it makes me feel a lot of relief. It must for her also because she has been nice for the last few days, of course she is always nice before something happens. The first thing the lawyer did was to continue the hearing. That is good gives me time now to do the things I need to do. If there is enough room I will keep things posted.

My wife has gone back to playing nice again. I have also. I am asking to trade visitation with her with her so I can get more nights. If she is leaving them at home and going to the OM at night I would rather have them with me. They need their mom and I am not going to try to take her away from them.

Things have went full circle. My wife started calling and talking for hours. I was convinced that her affair was on the rocks and started to get hope that we could start healing. We have been together for 16 yrs and I love her d3arly. She confided that she had been sexual abused by her older brother when she was 8. When she was trying to counsel my friend who is suffering from TBI she found him easy to talk to and told him about it. She said it was the first time she had talked to anyone about it in 28 yrs. She tried to convince me how much he had helped her. I asked her if she was going to counseling and the answer was no. I tried to tell her that counseling with a therapist trained for that was the only thing that was going to help. I probably went to far telling her talking to him or me was not the help she needs. I tried to talk her into getting counseling to no avail. I then started trying to force her to go but have had very little success. The OM is now back in the picture and her lawyer is pressing hard to complete the divorce. She maintained through all of this that she is not wanting to renew our relationship. She has been having anxiety attacks. We are barely talking now. She is trying to tell me she no longer has anxiety attacks and the OM is better now and not having problems with his TBI but I don't believe her. I want to go after the OOP take steps to protect my kids and I but so many people have said that would be a mistake.

I have made too many mistakes already and am not functionin very well. Being a small town I have had a hard time keeping counselors. The situation is so crazy they bow out. I tried to go back to work, I am a truck driver and in the course of 2 weeks wrecked 2 trucks, rolled a rental car and totaled my dad's car. You might say I am a wreck. I'm sure my wife's lawyer is going to have a field day with that. My wife has already complained about it.

I am concernes about you.
You seem to be overwhelmed with your problems.
Where you in personal or marriage counseling?
What made your counselors not want to work with you further?

Have you contemplated taking sick leave?

I personally am seeing a psychologist and 2 different therapist right now. 2 of My wife's sisters and her mother and father were living with us and I was working in the oilfield. I started having physical problems 5 years ago. The last 3 yrs we're the worst. I was a pain mediation patient and they stopped all long term pain meds. My family suffers from myotonic dystrophy. I was just about bed ridden for the last 3 yrs until last spring I found a doctor that put me on a good weight loss program and I have lost 130 lb. It included phetermine which boosted my metabolism and helped me get out of bed I started feeling lots of anger and accused my wife of cheating on me. I started counseling. She accused me of sexual abuse and then accused me of trying to kill her. Her family started attacking me when I threw one of the sisters out of the house for interfering with our marriage. I had talked my wife into going to counseling with our pastor. When the family blowup happen the pastor emailed me and informed me the would no longer be available for counseling. I went to the other churches in the neighboring towns but they would not talk to me. I setup counseling in the largest town and tried to get my wife to go also. I insisted that we get the kids in counseling also. My wife is a behavioral specialist at the school for elementary kids. She had a therapist she wanted to take them to but wasn't doing it so I took them to the one I was seeing.and my wife got mad and got into an argument with some lady that runs the counseling so the next thing I knew my counter told me that she couldn't see me anymore because the owner had a personal conflict. You are right to be concerned as I am. I have applied for disability in it's almost completed. I have made appointment to try to counsel with marriage builders and I'm hoping that will go good. There's not a lot of fun so I'm opting for a counseling with marriage Builders instead of hiring a lawyer.

I tried to send a letter to dr. Harvey but never could figure out how to do it. I don't think clearly and I don't speak properly so I've had trouble doing things that I need to do. I tried to go to work and it was a disaster so I've got to rearrange and still got to work but I'm going to have to figure out a way to do it.

Are you on any specific medication now and have you come off all pain meds?
Can you contact the pain rehabilitation program you were on for medical advice?

You can contact Dr Harley through the radio show at
Mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

He can show you the way out of this mess.

They give me Lyrica and nails and welbutrin. I was on gabapentin and Cymbalta. I started to try to get through the radio program button I get distracted and lose my train of thought and then nothing looks right I can't get things completed. I was afraid that you would think that

You should visit your doctor.
I don't know if you have been on this medication longer or if you are just being adjusted to it.
It is possible that your dosage should be adjusted, because the symptoms of distractedness and losing your train of thought can very wel be caused by your meds.
Also, if you have lost much weight, you medication may have to be adjusted.

Just call your doctor to make an appointment and tell him of your confusion.

I see my doctor monthly. I just had my monthly visit with him. Over the past 3 years I have been to 2 pain clinicso and have changed doctors 4 times trying to find a combination that works.constant pain causes tension in the body and the body reacts to in different ways. The medical theory 20 years ago was with the medicines we have today nobody should live in pain. The theory now is medicine is abused so long term pain mediation patients should use natural methods of pain control. Meditation, stretching, all kinds of different mental and physical strange stuff. They come up with new things all the time. They have this one the wanted to do where they surgically implant electrodes in the spinal cord and run wires down to a control box subdermally implanted in your hip. I would not even return their phone calls. If there is anything else you would like to know about pain management we would need to go to a different thread. I can give you quite a bit of information as I have studied it in depth.

I am seeing a psychologist and therapist and I'm waiting to get into a neurologist and in I'm not here to try to get help for me trying to get help for my wife in my marriage.

I asked you this back in February. Did you ever write him?

Happyheart is a doctor and was noticing something about your confusion that the doctor who is treating you needs to know.

I hope you do mention it on your next visit to your doctor.