Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
BrainHurts, thanks for the kind words. No he is not out of the house yet. He needs to be and should be but I had to start working full-time today and didn't get a chance to deal with a locksmith. I'm going to make it a priority tomorrow although I'm not sure how but I'll somehow find a way. I'm terribly afraid of losing my job because as you can imagine my performance hasn't been great for the last 7 weeks! I'm trying my best to stay strong but this is the worst thing I've ever gone through and I've been through a lot! Sorry to be so down and negative but the hurt is just overwhelming right now. I am really thankful for this forum and all the moral support.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Montgomery, a couple of things. The first is that you are not in Plan B if he is living there. Plan B means to be separated. You can't go into Plan B until that happens.

Secondly, why are you starting a job now? Holy crap!! That is not good for you emotionally or legally. You have been slammed with the most traumatic thing that can happen to someone. Not a good time to get a job!

PLEASE get him out of the house ASAP and go into Plan B.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Can you ask your doctor for some temporary ADs to help you through this?

Have you told him he needs to leave? You're not in Plan B if he is still in the house.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Montgomery, please do not be embarrassed. This is a very traumatic situation to go through and impossible to handle perfectly.

At this point Plan B (a true Plan B) and filing are the very best options for you. Pack his bags and change the locks TODAY. This has to be priority number one. Your health and lifestyle have become greatly jeopardized by this and I am very worried about you. You need to go into a dark Plan B TODAY and I promise you will feel so much better if you do.

Please don't stop posting, we can continue to help you through Plan B and Divorce. There are so many people here who have been through this and are very happy now.

I know it is hard to focus on anything right now, but you need to focus on packing his bags and changing the locks. Going dark and getting away from the drama is priority #1. This is more important than your job, because if you end up in the hospital or as a raging alcoholic you will lose your job anyway.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
MelodyLane, BrainHurts and unwritten,

I did it!!! I left work (very) early, packed WH a large suitcase, called a locksmith and got the locks changed and left his bag with the note I had already written and my brother's contact information on the porch. I went to my neighbor friends house for a couple hours right before I knew he'd be home so I could avoid him altogether. He kept calling and texting but eventually stopped. My brother works evening shift so I have no idea if he has tried to contact him or not. I had my neighbor delete the voicemails and texts so I wouldn't have to deal with them. I'm now having a semi-relaxing evening at home with my dogs.

I'm already on an antidepressant but I did get older generation antihistamine that's used off label for anxiety from my Nurse Practitioner.

I'm not sure what comes next but I'm relieved to have gotten this far.

I think I should maybe stop communicating with the OW's BH. He has been great helping me uncover more lies but I don't want to bond with him during this vulnerable time. I also don't want to talk about or think about the affair anymore. It seems like a tricky and potentially problematic situation.

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you all posted.



Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Good job!!! What kind of note did you leave him? Was this the Plan B letter?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
That's fantastic. Now get dark and really start to heal. Have you changed all your contact information so he can't contact you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Great job!

There is a thread on how to properly IM, you should send it to your brother so he knows what to do.

I can tell you already feel better. There will be some rough days ahead when you are missing the life you thought you had, but overall Plan B will be a breath of fresh air away from this mess.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
The IM training thread is in here if you want to send it to your brother.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by Montgomery
I think I should maybe stop communicating with the OW's BH. He has been great helping me uncover more lies but I don't want to bond with him during this vulnerable time. I also don't want to talk about or think about the affair anymore. It seems like a tricky and potentially problematic situation.

You are correct in thinking that this could be a potentially dangerous situation. Keep your boundaries high, even in Plan B. But also, now that you are in Plan B, you should not be hearing about affairland. You have gone into a dark separation and therefore you do not need to hear about anything WH and OW are doing or not doing. Part of healing yourself is to separate from the affair drama, and OW's BH is a part of that.

Perhaps you could provide him with your IM's info and if he has any pertinent information to pass along it can run through your IM (which would not be passed on to you). I can see that this would be helpful if your IM is getting information from your WH that he has ended the affair and is making changes to recover, but getting different information from the BH. It can give you IM some means to know how serious your WH is if it ever comes to that point.

Or just stop talking to the BH altogether, in any case you are correct that you should not have contact with him in your Plan B.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
Unwritten, BrainHurts and MelodyLane,

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. Yesterday I just wanted a day to try to not think about the affair but today the floodgates of grief have opened wide.
I left a plan B letter based on a template I found in the thread on how to plan B correctly. I gave my brother the IM information too.
I did find out that my WH decided to stay at his job only because I work for the same company.
I'm sad for everything I lost because of the affair but I know everything will be okay eventually. I'm hopeful to sell my house soon so I can move closer to my family and heal. Sorry if I didn't answer something, I'm sort of a mess right now.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
I have to say that while I'm feeling the full devastation of it all I'm relieved to no longer have to be hypervigilant 24/7! Just taking care of me is nice.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Montgomery
I have to say that while I'm feeling the full devastation of it all I'm relieved to no longer have to be hypervigilant 24/7! Just taking care of me is nice.

Montgomery, in a few weeks you will better than you have felt in a very long time if you remain in a pitch dark Plan B. You won't believe the difference. Hopefully, your brother is a good IM and is not passing on messages.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
Thanks MelodyLane.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
You're doing great.

Has your WH tried to reach you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
Yes BrainHurts. I'm in a rather uncomfortable situation and haven't yet figured out how to best handle it to be perfectly honest. My brain hurts too.
We work for the same company and he is the manager. Technically he is not my manager but since I work out in the field he occasionally has to pass along pertinent clinical information to me. Yesterday he snuck in an "I'm sorry for hurting you so much" in the morning and I told him to keep it strictly business and today he added "I was wondering if you might want to have dinner tonight". This obviously isn't going to work. Today I gave my number out to key people that would normally contact him and told them to contact me directly in the future. I really don't like having to communicate with him for work at all. I will just have to keep looking for a new job. Otherwise he is leaving me alone.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Oh boy so this is really going to obstruct your Plan B. You're really not in Plan B if you work together and him not quitting his job shows he isn't serious about recovering his marriage. Do you have to work? Is there anyway you can take all your vacation/leave and get out of there?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
You're correct BrainHurts! I went to spend the weekend out of town with my parents and didn't have internet so I'm sorry for delay in responding. The best thing I can figure out to do at the moment is contact my boss and tell her to tell WH that if there is a clinical issue I need to know about he needs to have someone else give me the information. Sort of a work IM until I find another job. My plan is to move closer to family once the house sells and at that time I will need to get a new job anyway. Sadly I don't have any vacation time because I've been working part-time until the past week. The weekend has been quiet with no contact from WH.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Did you ever expose your WH's alcohol and drug use to the workplace?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
SusieQ, No just the affair.

Last edited by Montgomery; 02/05/17 07:08 PM.

Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5