Hi all, first post here and desperate for help from married people. My husband and I have been married 8months, together 6years. He is now asking for space, has wanted to move out for 2 weeks but hasn't left and I am finding it extremely difficult.
When he met me, he told his sister that I was The One. I also thought he was the one I'd spend my life with. I committed to him straight away. About 8months into the relationship, I found flirty emails with a coworker I knew nothing about and remember reacting very badly. I went out and got extremely drunk. I think since then I never fully regained trust. I have had very deep seated insecurity issues and he hasn't been great. I've been the one to care of us, his name isn't even on our apartment lease. I wrote his assignments when he went to study, he gave me a lot of credi for getting him through though he never compliments me or tells me nice things. I would say I hear more sly digs.
There were things my H did that I was very unhappy about during our relationship. He didn't see the point of taking me out, instead we just sat in a lot. He spent the weekends with friends out till 4am. When he came home, he'd usually find me drunk as well and I would physically lash out at him and vey rarely remember doing anything. When I was ready to end things with him, I got very drunk and went out and kissed someone else and that's when I decided to get help with my drinking. It has gotten better but still a way to go. He still says he hates me for doing it. During this counselling, he wouldn't help me pay for bills although I was paying all our bills. He still managed to rack up 12,000 in debt and I had to pester him to pay it off as it would affect our saving ability. It's still being paid off. To help with my bills I ended up taking short term loans which has affected my credit rating. He said he wanted nothing to do with bills or helping pay my counselling. He wouldn't talk to me about my progress, he just didn't seem to care.
I feel some things my husband did fed into my insecurities. A female colleague of his was texting hi constantly and despite my efforts to ask him to stop, he didn't. Told me he wouldn't initiate the contact but I found out he kept going. I am convinced she was in love with him. He is also flirty with a girl who is particularly very inappropriate with him. I have gotten advances from other males, I quite frequently do, and I always ensure I put them in their place. I do not feel he does this. I feel he creates situations that could lead to more, whether he doesn't care or doesn't realise I don't know.
I have been lashing out at him physically when we fight for a while and now he is retaliating and smashed my phone up. It is usually when I'm drunk or he walks away from the argument. It is always about the house, his flirting or lying.
He never really recovers from these episodes and ignores me every day , withholds sex, talks to me like a stranger. He is very passive aggressive. We are in a mess. However, recently we came back from a night out early with friends. He was again acting a little bit flirty with a girl I asked him not to. I think he thought I was more drunk than I was but i brought it up and I started to shout and I stood up. I think he thought I was going to crack, put his hands on his hips and started grinning contemptuously. I honestly don't know if he is abusing me knowing he can 'get a rise'. I've never seen this before but I immediately stopped shouting and told him I will never lose my temper again because that's what he wants. I can't stop thinking about this.

The last week before he decided no more was when I was in bed all day very sick at the weekend. That week, he was ignoring me again but on the Thursday decided to be nice so he could have sex and dropped me again. This was extremely painful for me. He also came back that week talking about how attractive a female coworker who just started was. I was feeling very unstable and thinking about it all day. He went golfing which was fine and he was coming home at 4pm. He text me to ask could he go for dinner and when I asked him to come home instead because there was no food or medicine In the house, his response was that he was going for dinner and would be an hour. We stared arguing when we got home and he just walked away from me. I ran after him and pushed him back into the living room and argued more, I ended up slapping him across the face and telling him to go sleep with said coworker. He cried and that was it for him. Two days later and he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I know this all sounds extremely bad but we love each other and have had happy times. His says his wedding day was the best day of his life. His family put a lot of pressure on us by excluding me and his sister has given his number to a friend who thought he was attractive which I'm not sure if I can get over. I distanced myself from them after that when his mum stuck up for his sister.

He said he has written down the things I've done and now he realises how bad my actions are and that he wants a normal marriage. I want to be better. I think we are both extremely immature but can work on things. We have both been miserable for a while but when we are happy, we are very happy and it's obvious to everyone else that we love each other.

I have enrolled with a psychotherapist for anger management. We have scheduled a marriage counselling appointment but it has been cancelled twice - I don't know is we are just not meant to go there. I know I am wrong for what I've done but I am willing to change for good. I think he needs to change too.

Please help me. I feel like my world is ending.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about these events in your marriage.

Could you just please clarify:

Are you living together now?

Are you both committed to working on the marriage? At some stages he has said he is finished with you, but I can't work out whether he is sticking to that, or whether he has reversed that position.

@sugarcane. Thank you so much for replying to me. We are living together but he said he wants to go to his parent's house so he can think clearly about whether he wants to continue in the marriage. He says he is genuinely just so confused. Our renews of the apartment is due and I have been crying to the landlords today who agree do to extend the lease to allow time. He is so contradictory in what he says and does. He tells me he doesn't think he wants to work on it, it will never change and I will never change but he understand his part. He agreed to go to the counselling session but it has been cancelled. I don't know what he wants anymore. He says he wants space and to move to his parents for 1/2 weeks but isn't leaving yet he keeps saying it. I'm so confused. I don't think we are the worst case there is yet he is running away. I think he has a problem thinking it will never end.

After it happened, I stayed in a b&b to give him space, he didn't care where I was staying or even asked. He kept asking me to leave our home for a week so he could figure it all out. He is being so cruel and cold to me that I don't even know anymoren

Hi willow, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry this has turned out so badly for you. This is a very sick relationship because your husband is not committed to the marriage. He treats you terribly and is not even trying to make you happy. That is the problem. The more you chase him, the less attractive you become. Chasing him not only works against you, but it breaks you down emotionally. Of course you are "insecure;" his horrible behavior is reckless and cruel. It would make any normal person insecure.

The best thing that could happen is for you to separate and cut off all contact with him until and unless he makes radical changes in his approach to marriage. He needs to end all opposite sex relationships and stop partying like he is a single man. That is the only way your marriage would ever survive.

I would ene your lease and look for a living arrangement that you can afford on your own. Stop waiting around for him and make a decision to take back control of your life. You cannot change him against your will.

You are enabling him to be cruel. You should have never gone along with this. Going along with his cruel behavior only makes you LESS attractive and rewards his nasty behavior. don't be an enabler.

My last post wasn't so successful so I'm posting again. Before we got married my husband was negligent to say the very least. Ive always taken care of us and been the one to make all the decisions - he agrees I have been a better partner to him than he has to me. However, even though we had good times, I developed a terrible problem whilst I was drunk of attacking him when I was blackout drunk. I would slap him and call him names and put my hands around his neck.
We have been under serious pressure and although the problem has improved over the years. Whenever I see him flirting, lying or disrespecting me, it can happen again. I've been able to control my temper on a number of occasions recently however we are now fighting the same way and he is breaking my things including my phone. After these episodes he becomes passive aggressive all week. He doesn't want to talk to me and ignores me. He says he has brushed it under the carpet for too long and the last time I slapped him, he said he wants to leave now. I am distraught.
He admits he has been a terrible partner, he has had very inappropriate contact wit female colleagues, racked up debt and I have basically gotten him to where he is today in his career. He has been telling me for two weeks now that he doesn't know if he wants to continue. Said he wants space and to move out but then doesn't. I am so hurt and confused.
Our behaviour towards each other is despicable but I want to make things better. I fear he has given up. Do I give him space? Do I try and talk when he doesn't want to? I have been throwing up all week with stress. Please someone tell me

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Did you read our posts? I took a lot of my own time responding to you and I see no acknowledgment or response. If you aren't going to read or respond to our posts, there is no reason to make more posts.

You got perfect advice from MelodyLane. You will get the same advice from Dr Harley.

Run for your life and be glad you didn't have children with this man. I was married to somebody similar who thrives off getting attention from women (except your H sounds worse). Believe me, run.

Sorry you're here.

And do stop drinking.
Go to AA. You will never solve any problem you encounter in life while beinc an alcoholic.
And take the anger management. I agree that your husband is someone to run from. You want to take the higher road in the rest of your life. Start acting differently.

Maybe someone can post the MB anger management 101 link.

I am sorry, I didn't see these posts previously. I know he is not committed to marriage, and I know he is extremely immature. I'm not sure if he realised what is involved in marriage either - he is treating me like a long term girlfriend. Doesn't want to save for a mortgage, doesn't want to plan for children. This is all adding to my insecurities and resentment towards him. I can see no end in sight. But we are newlyweds and he tells me that my violent temper has pushed him too far. No matter how many times I've asked him to step up to the plate, he never wants to and blames my physical lashing out for his non-commitment even though it was an issue before we got married.
Is he just using this as an excuse? I have cut out alcohol completely, I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks yet I am finding it difficult to keep my temper at bay when he is treating me like and telling me he doesn't want to try. He also is now hanging out with much younger colleagues even though we are 30. I don't want to be the one to walk away and live somewhere else. I don't know if that would scare him into action or if he'll then just blame me for the end of it all.

Also he is now acting like he is the victim of an abusive wife. He has filled his head with articles about abusive relationships but I struggle to see, even though I have hit him several times, where he is oppressed. He lives pretty much doing whatever he wants. All I ever wanted from him was to take the lead as I have for so long. He is also telling me I may have a personality disorder and whilst I do agree that I could potentially suffer from depression (in fact it's likely), he is not doing anything to help the situation. He said he stopped feeling the same way about me years ago. I feel like I hate him now. Also told me he had doubts coming up to our wedding which he never spoke of despite me asking him. I just don't know anymore

It does sound like you have some anger management problems. You are responsible for those, and for being physically abusive to him. He may do things to cause you distress, but you are responsible for your own behavior and how you handle that distress. Dr Harley has some great advice on how to learn to manage anger and several posters here have done that (and we all have had to abandon our natural tendency to have AO's and let our anger get the better of us...). You should do this regardless of what direction your marriage takes, as it is not good for you or any relationship you will ever be in.

However, getting control of your own behavior will not change your spouses behavior. You have NO control over that. You can give him requirements for what you need for him to stay married to you, in the same manner he can. He can tell you that he needs you to learn to control your temper or he will not stay married to you, and he should. You can also give him requirements. You can both decide what you are willing to do to stay in the marriage.

I would not be surprised if your H was engaged in an affair right now. The way he talks about wanting to have space certainly sounds like wayward talk.

Even if he isn't right now, I would not be surprised if he has had affairs in the past (or at least cheated while you were dating, not necessarily considered an affair). He definitely has many red flags about his behavior in the past and present, and has had very poor boundaries throughout your relationship. He also seems to embrace this and not be willing to change these poor boundaries even though it hurts you.

Do you know if he is having an affair now?

I think you do know. You know that he will not fight for you at all. If he will not do the work to win you back, he will never do the work to keep you. Of course if he thinks you will tolerate anything, why should he?

There is no downside to separating as MelodyLane suggested. If he makes the radical changes to win you back, you will end up with a great husband. If he doesn't, you are not wasting any more time on someone who is no where near ready to be a husband and doesn't care enough about you to do the work. Where is the downside to that advice?

The downside to doing nothing is that in ten years you will be in exactly this same place or worse.

He swears he is not having an affair or interested in anyone else. My dad called him for a long talk to tell him we both need to change and grow up. My dad thinks he would have told him In that phone call if he ever did anything on me because asked him. The only thing I can think of is the new girl who started at his place - the one he came home saying how attractive she was but I asked about her and he said she's with someone else and he isnt interested anyway. He has had very poor boundaries throughout, things he has done have played very deeply into my insecurities. I think the way I make him feel about his ability as a husband may be driving him away. However he doesn't show up and be what I expect if him. He says he is not a violent person and he is a loving person but isn't me hitting him enough of a reason to leave?

I told him to go if he wants to go but he is still coming home every night and sleeping in another room.

I am definitely doing something now - it is time for a change for me and I just hope he is strong enough to realise he needs to grow up and we need to grow together. I think this is just a very painful but necessary transition we need to make but he doesn't see how it will ever be different

I have never in all my years of posting on these boards seen someone admit to an affair because someone asked them if they were having one. It doesn't work that way. The single greatest component of affairs is deceit, not honesty.

Can you put some spyware on his phone? Can you put a VAR in his car? I don't know that this short marriage is worth saving, but I do think you should know the truth.

Do you understand he will not simply admit to an affair, you need to find out the truth with your own detective work?

So what is your plan? Hope is not a plan.

I know he won't but he is barely home at the minute and every time I have asked him to delete our messages because rereading them will only make us worse, he refuses. He is literally sleeping with his phone in his hand possibly because of this or because of an affair. I have asked several people and they have said they don't think he is cheating but some have suggested it.

I have scheduled a couples counselling for Tuesday, he is willing to go. Surely he wouldn't if he was cheating? I have also enrolled in a 7 week anger management course with a very qualified psychotherapist starting Thursday. I have also cut out alcohol completely and intend to keep alcohol out of my life for now. I accept that if we want to work on this, we will need time and space. What makes it so apparent he is having an affair?

He has only been sleeping with his phone in his hand since our last argument where I slapped him and he said no more. Just to be clear, I have gone through his phone in the past and he hates it

My husband and I were having difficulties. I used to physically lash out at him (mostly when drunk but I did it sober and he snapped).
He was immature and didn't commit to the marriage or to me. Trust me when I say I have never felt like much of a priority. Even though he made efforts recently, the trust is gone and we are both harbouring so much resentment. All we do is fight an d treat each other like crap. I am now in an management course and desperately trying to prove I will change, but my husband has had enough.

It has been 3 weeks since I put my hands around his neck and slapped him sober and he said that was enough for him. He kept saying he needed space for 2 weeks, was reluctant and has now moved out. Before he moved out, we had a marriage counsellor session together and he attended but they cancelled on us. He has moved out since Saturday to his parents. He said he needed a week and asked for no contacts all so he could "sort his head out" and I rearranged the counselling session for yesterday and he text me 2 hours before that he is not coming. I am at my wits end.
I am constantly trying to figure out if he is slowly edging away from me. He came back to the house while I was out and took his expensive cologne I got him for Christmas because I know he is planning on going out drinking at the weekend - which I asked him not to do. This is one of the major problems in our relationship - when I ask him not to do something he goes ahead without caring.
I havent written or spoken to him all week - when he told me he wasn't coming to our session, I went alone and didn't reply to him. It was just very hurtful that he used the time he knew I'd be away to come back and get his going out clothes etc. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that he might be testing the waters outside of our marriage to see if it's what he wants. I got so furious when I knew he came home and got his stuff whilst I was out trying to do what I can to help us.

He said he is an absolute mess over us and he's been crying a lot (though I haven't spoken to him all this week). He left his Facebook signed in on our laptop and I saw he has searched my profile yesterday and the day before. I honestly don't know the signs he is giving but I am just trying to give him the space he said he so desperately needs. Has anyone been in this situation? I am looking at apartments far away from where we live and from his family (we live very close to his whole family) in case the worst happens. Please can anyone tell me what to do during this time? I think my husband wants to leave me...

That meant to say I am in anger management - I realise how bad my behaviour is. The one time I lashed out at him sober he said made him 'snap'

Threads merged again. Please stick to this thread and do not start another thread.

Willowtree, you were given advice on your previous thread which you seem to have abandoned.

You are not going to get different advice by just starting a new post. We are always going to give you advice based on Dr Harley's program.

I personally gave you advice to snoop as I suspect he is having an affair. The fact that he came home to get *cologne* would be yet another red flag indicating this. What have you done to snoop?

You were also advised to offer him a list of things he will need to do to stay in your marriage, and if he is not willing to do these things, to separate. Where are you at with this?

He has moved out now and says he doesn't want to continue. When he came to tell me he was incredibly cruel and told me he didn't love me and only stayed with me because I gave him an ego boost then said he needed to go after 15 minutes because he was looking for a new car. It screams guilt to me. Since, he has got in contact to ask when he can cancel the household bills he pays (which is a fraction of what I pay).

I definitely think there is something going on.....

Can you hire a PI to find out?

When are you going to take action? You will change nothing by simply blogging about it.

Hi all, I haven't posted here for a while. Turns out I didn't need a PI, my husband fell for his coworker (who started at his work 3months ago) and that's where he set his sights. The same girl he came home gushing about. Even though he moved out, I had his passwords to online accounts and found he has been out with her and another couple at work who are seeing each other every weekend since. I'm sure he is being encouraged at work to be part of this foursome who are all a few years younger than us. I can't believe he would throw away 6years and a marriage for this. He keeps denying there is anyone else to his friends but it's all pretty transparent to everyone else. It all makes sense to me - before we split it was obvious he had a crush, I just didn't think he'd leave for her.
Apparently, my anger problems and insecurity "pushed him away". I am still in anger therapy and continuing with that. The course is almost complete.
As for our marriage, there is no going back for me. I do hope reality slaps him up the face sooner rather than later. My husband, I believe, definitely has some growing up and commitment issues. I am trying to develop new hobbies. He hasn't been through a breakup before so I know that working through the pain in as healthy way as possible is the answer at the minute and I'm trying to rediscover the old me - the me that was happy and confident.

If anyone has any advice or recommended reading for me at this stage from Dr Harley's programme, I would really welcome it!

Willow,

You already have received advice on what to do. This forum exists to help posters use Dr Harley's program to restore and create a great marriage.

From what I read here you've done nothing to follow the program and it now sounds like you've resigned to giving up. No one will begrudge you for needing to separate yourself from someone who has caused you great harm by having an affair.

Separation or not the first piece of advise will be for you to get the goods on your H, something that would stand up in a court of law, so that you can do a full exposure of the A.

Are you ready to do that? Do you have solid evidence? What is it?

You should ask the moderators to move this thread to the Surviving an Affair section of the forum.

You have to get legal advice because of the financial trouble he has caused. Read up on plan b on this site.

So he admitted to you he is having an affair with this coworker?