Like markos suggests, please make time to listen to the radio show every day, even just 15 minutes on your drive. Those folks are contagious I promise! Every part of my life has improved, parenting, partnering, work, all of it.

Here Anger Management 101

You need relaxation training. It is the best method for reprogramming your brain not to respond in anger. You can read about that here:

How to Negotiate When You Are An Emotional Person

When I asked Dr. Harley about this, he said the best thing to do is to model for them how to handle frustration. You should talk to them frequently about it, and talk to them about relaxing when they are angry. Their brains aren't developed enough to be able to control themselves to the degree that you can, but they will learn a lot from watching you and from talking to you.

When a child has an angry outburst in this house, they get sent to be by themselves to calm down. Once they are calm, we talk about how damaging angry outbursts are, how they need to relax and calm down when they are frustrated, how punishing people doesn't get you what you want, etc. It seems to work. The kids know what they should do when they feel angry, they just aren't mature enough to always respond that way.

Thanks so much!

Looking for ideas for cheap (free) UA activities (no outdoor ideas as we live in Indiana and that's not an option right now).

Also, where do annoying 'things' fall, if they're not really habits? For example, my husband has an old car (non-running) that has been taking up space in our garage for 14 years. Our garage is a total disaster and I've never been able to park one of our vehicles in the garage because the old car is taking up so much space. This car has been a source of contention in our marriage for YEARS.

Not sure we'll ever come to an enthusiastic agreement on this. Any ideas where to start? It's one of my biggest annoyances but I feel like it will be the hardest thing for us to negotiate because it holds some sentimental value for him.

We had the same problem and ended up building a new larger garage.
Maybe you can brainstorm with your husband.
Is the problem his old vehicle, or is the problem that you want your normal cars to be able to stand in the garage?

You're very dependent on the forum for solutions to your problems. You won't be able to build a whole marriage this way - by coming here for solutions to each and every issue that arises in your marriage. What you and your husband need to learn is how to resolve those conflicts yourselves. In this instance, there is a situation that is causing one of you to be annoyed. You need to calmly negotiate resolving the issue, using Dr Harley's guidelines for successful negotiation. Have you tried that over this issue, since you first read the article?

How have you explained the problem to your husband? (For example, do you want him to get rid of the car altogether, of just to move it from the garage)? What is his response? Has either of you come up with any suggestions, even if these have not been accepted (yet)? What suggestions have been proposed?

Sugarcane...I just found marriage builders and Dr. Harley's books. I ordered Love Busters but it hasn't come yet. I've been listening to it through our library but my husband has not. He has read all of the Love Busters info on this site but I've done much more reading/listening than him so far. That's why I'm asking so many questions. He's not fully on board with this yet because he hasn't read as much as me. I'm asking for guidance. If this forum isn't for guidance, I guess I don't know what it's for.

happyheart...The problem is there is just too much stuff in our garage. It's always a disaster. I have to move numerous things to get the kids bikes or lawn mower out, and I have to go outside to put garbage in the garbage can because I can't walk from our interior garage door to the garbage can...too much stuff in the way. I can't park a car in the garage. We live in Indiana. It would have been nice to not have to cart my kids in and out of the car in rain and snow and freezing cold temps. We've been late to church because the windows and doors are frozen shut (wouldn't happen in the garage). I want my garage back. My husband has a difficult time keeping things organized so that he can easily find them when needed. The other things (tools, mostly) in the garage are necessities because he uses them for work. We don't have money to build a 3-car-garage right now (not even close) or move to a different home. We would love to move to a home with a 3-car-garage in the future but we're self-employed and won't be able to do that for at least two years from now.

We both know that it would take $15-20k to restore the car and he seems to understand that there may never be a day that we'll have an extra $15-20k to spend on a car but he can't let go of it. However, I'm okay with holding on to it if I don't have to pay to store it somewhere and it doesn't make life more difficult (disorganized garage).

The options we've discussed...
His sister would like to take the car and restore it (her father-in-law has a piece of property where they could work on it). He refuses to let her have it.
His mother has a two car garage and only parks one car in it, and the car originally belonged to her and his dad. (His Dad passed away 1.5 years ago.) I've suggested that he ask his mom to store it but he will not discuss it with me.
He strongly considered selling it when his dad was sick with cancer, so he could give them the money (it's only worth maybe $1500-$3000) but didn't get around to doing it before his dad died, so apparently that's not an option now.

We have had HEATED discussions about it for 14 years. It's one of my main annoyances and I don't know how to approach it with him.

Regarding date ideas...
We' haven't even spent 15 hours/month of UA with each other for 9 years (since we had our first child). We don't even know where to begin. I was hoping I could get some ideas from others here who have been 'dating' each other for awhile. I can think of plenty of ideas that cost money, just looking for low-cost or free ideas because dating/babysitters aren't even in our budget right now. (Previously I mentioned that we just barely have enough to pay our bills.)

When I asked 'where to start' with the negotiation, I mean how do I approach this? Should I wait until we've successfully negotiated other, smaller things or just jump into it because it's this huge issue for me? It's been such a heated subject, I'm a little afraid to bring it up.

You've been offered lots of guidance. We have been trying to show you where to find the tools so that you and your husband can negotiate your issues yourselves, without anger, disrespect or demands. Have you read the articles that were linked earlier in this thread; How to Negotiate When You Are an Emotional Person, How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage, and The Policy of Joint Agreement? Have you also read the articles Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, and Peace and Good Will: Essential for Effective Conflict Resolution? Those articles give you all the information you need to learn how to raise issues with each other, and tell you how to discuss them safely and come to a mutually satisfying resolution. Can you get your husband to read them?

I think another book you need to order is He Wins She Wins. It is all about the Policy of joint Agreement, and negotiating conflicts and reaching enthusiastic agreements.

The problem that I can identify from your posts is that you come to the forum looking for us to find the perfect solution to your problems (including UA time that does not involve outdoors activity), because your husband is not discussing the issues, and trying to come to a resolution, with you. I don't know whether this is because he does not realise how unhappy these conflicts make you, or whether, fundamentally, he refuses to change or acknowledge your complaints. Whatever the reason, he is not taking this as seriously as you are, and he is not negotiating with you in a sincere effort to make you happy and have mutually satisfying marriage.

It's his side of the negotiation, and his taking your complaints seriously, that is missing, and because you are unable to make your husband negotiate, you come to the forum hoping that we will provide a solution, and you can simply go to him with this perfect solution, and he'll accept it; problem solved. I can see that he will not take your complaints seriously, and negotiate with you, just by your description of the suggestions that have been made about the car, and his responses to those. Not being able to park your working car in the garage causes you problems and is making you miserable. Your husband has heard you say this; he know this; yet he is stonewalling on reaching a solution. He is refusing to do anything that would make your driving easier; something that would take away the one of the sources of your unhappiness. The implications of that are terrible.

What I'm saying is that you cannot run your entire marriage like that. Ultimately, you will not be able to live for years - for the foreseeable future - by coming up with solutions single-handedly (or by coming to this forum and asking us to do it), and then presenting your husband with the problem solved.

As Dr Harley does, we're trying to teach you how to discuss conflicts safely with your husband, and how you should both negotiate their solution to a mutually satisfying outcome.

This is the problem. This, right here.

The problem is NOT what to do with the cars when the garage is too small to fit them all in. The problem is NOT whether you can find the money to build a bigger garage. The problem is that there is a problem in your marriage, that has been "one of your main annoyances" for 14 years, and your husband will NOT put a sincere effort into finding a way to stop the car from making you unhappy. The problem is your husband's lack of care and concern for something he does that is the source of your unhappiness, NOT the car.

I would appreciate answers to these questions. (I'm just isolating them, in case they get lost among all the other things I've posted.)

I've read many of the articles. I'm on information overload at the moment. I want to do everything at once and that's not possible. I'm working on eradicating love busters right now. Haven't yet moved on to poja... Just thinking about things I've read and wanted to come here for ideas. I've only read half of live busters and we haven't done the questionnaire yet. Trying to figure out babysitting for UA. You are all correct in your assumptions about my husband. He knows our marriage is sad but he acts like he doesn't like that I found a possible solution, rather than him. He acts as if it's a blow to his ego if I come up with a good idea. Praying he'll choose to do this.

Thank you for validating my feelings about the car. I've always been made to feel that I just have to suck it up because it has sentimental meaning to him

You wrote this quite early on in the thread:

MrAlias replied to it, but the issue was buried under the posts trying to help you sort out UA time. Prisca also said something important, that when a wife comes here complaining that she cannot find UA time, the underlying issue is that the husband is not working with her on this. Somehow that got buried, too.

And now I can see that the underlying issue is not just that he will not work with you on UA time - bad as that is. It is that he will not work with you on some of the major things that he does that make you unhappy.

No doubt he does not see the car as something he "does" or is doing. The car is just there. It's not something that he is "doing", a behaviour or an act. It's been there (in one garage or another) for years, and he probably had it before you married him, so why is there a problem? It's a part of him, it was (probably) there when you met him, and like the counsellor said, you need to learn to love him as he is, and not ask him to change. He probably does not ask you to change, and probably says that he accepts you as you are, and you should do the same for him. Is that correct?

Advice such as your counsellor gave you is destructive to marriage, and it is wrong. Dr Harley recognises the way that the Love Bank works, and it does not fill itself by your deciding that it will be full. The Love Bank exists - that is point number one - and it is filled by the way in which the other person meets your emotional needs, and avoids love busters. If your husband does a poor job of meeting your most important needs, and also commits love busters and refuses to negotiate and change his behaviour, you won't be in love with him. Telling you to put up with that situation and love him unconditionally is wrong. Your counsellor said something that is commonly given as Christian advice, but he or she was wrong. Dr Harley is a committed Christian, and all his principles are biblically based (as you can read in yet another of his books - Draw Close (save this one for later). As I heard Dr Harley reiterate in a recent radio show, unconditional love can't be done. Love doesn't work like that. You've found that out for yourself.

The problem is, as Dr Harley would say, that nothing should be off limits for thoughtful requests or respectful complaints. Nothing should be off limits for negotiation. No habits and behaviours, no possessions, no family members, no recreational activities, no physical issues (such as attractiveness), no sexual issues...nothing. In an integrated marriage, there can be nothing that either spouse does that must be tolerated and off limits to discussion.

You cannot fix your marital problems by yourself. If your husband does not work vigorously with you on them, you'll be unhappy for as long as the marriage lasts.

Would your husband be willing to cooperate in writing a letter to Dr Harley? i stress that he needs to cooperate and be part of it, because you should not be seeking solutions to your marital problems on your own. Dr Harley will give you a written response, and will follow up with you for as long as you need. Even better though, would be if your husband would speak to Dr Harley on the radio show. A back-and-forth conversation would be so much better than emails. Are you willing to ask your husband whether he would communicate with Dr Harley? This would all be free, by the way.

He drove the car before we were married but then it was parked at his parent's house for 5 or 6 years (four of them while we were married). He didn't take the car from their house until we bought a house (with a one car garage) and then it lived with us. So, no, I didn't marry him knowing the car would be with us forever.

Every Christian marriage book I've ever read basically points you to unconditional and sacrificial love. This idea that we could actually be IN LOVE again is so refreshing. I'm just not sure he buys the whole concept yet.

Read both parts of this article.
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love