Ok, message recieved, 5x5.
Thank you.

So what is your plan? Are you going to hire a PI?

Presently she is at home (leave from work), unless going to or from counseling. I will start with checking the GPS logs on the vehicles, to see if she is making any stops anywhere else. I know that she could simply turn the GPS unit off, but that would then tell me she is going somewhere and hiding it from me.

Frankly this will then give me enough to look deeper. I know that others here have said not to under estimate her ability to deceive, but unless I tip my hand that I am checking the logs (i.e. I will only check them when I am at work) I don't think she will realize it.

We live in an area that has limited public transportation (i.e. no buses outside of rush hour service). And I will set up a trail cam to check if there is anyone coming or going that shouldn't be from the house. Hiring a PI at this time, to watch her sit at home - would be a pretty big expense - considering she is the larger breadwinner, and has a good handle on the finances I am not sure I could swing the $$ without questions. Also a consideration is in our province (yes Canada) it is a 50/50 split of assets no matter what. If the trail cam shows someone coming to the house, then I can look at hiring a PI, or frankly look at setting up a camera to notify me of arrivals by email.

Last question I had, we have computers in several rooms of the house, these seem to me to be perfect VARs. Does anyone know of any software that would run in the background and record voices? Note, that I run both Windows and Linux based OS's at home. I am thinking something like snooper might work - I can test it to be sure: http://www.snooper.se/index.htm

Of course if she is communicating with him on her work BB by text, I am still not going to be able to find it, but this is a start.
Thank you.

Reminds me of a funny story. My XH had a crackberry supplied by his office so no chance for me to put anything onto it. However, by chance one day we bumped into one another at the bank. I pretended that I knew he would be there. From that day onwards he would leave his crackberry at the office whenever he wanted to conceal his movements. Made life so simple for me; I just knew that whenever his phone went unanswered . . . .


Internal ones are cheaper than external ones and far simpler to configure because you can do it wirelessly. I have a little Panasonic inside pointing at the door. Triggers an email, takes a photo and records the voices. But it is important that she not discover whatever you use.


I've never used that but I know that iPhones have a great var app.



Cheaters do love text messaging, seems to be universal. Texts are the invention of the devil.

This also I think answers one of Erastis's questions.


Sorry, I think I should take the time, and try and answer the questions that you all asked.
MelodyLane - in November we (her, and I) went on a week-end trip to a nearby city. Spent our time in a hotel, I was at a conference during the day, she was free to explore the city, and we spent the evenings, and nights together. This is when she initially told me of the OM. She asked me to keep her close etc. I felt we were doing ok, and that I had started to work on (without knowing what they were) LoveBusters, and making deposits. Our conversation the last couple of weeks revealed that it wasn't enough. Apparently I had let her slip past "he point of no return" and any deposits I made were probably not being credited. I hope that analogy makes sense. I wonder if she had stayed home that week-end, would she have been with him? Which seems like it would have been a perfect time for them to have time alone. But she passed the chance. During our recent conversations, and again yesterday, I asked if she has had any contact, she said no, he wrote to her once, and she told him she was off work and going through a rough patch. So far just her word.

Erastis,
Cockiness warning taken - just as an idea I don't work for CSIS or CSEC (our version of the CIA and NSA) but some of their employees trained me. I am pretty much a desk jockey, but don't mind digging, and enjoy finding the online info.

I hadn't even looked at the cameras yet,
Inside or out, the concealing part might be tricky, but I have an idea of where, upside the location is near one of our routers.
As for not answering her phone - as she is a manager she doesn't answer her crack-berry when in a meeting - which when working is a big chunk of her day. This is actually a rule that I have always supported, nothing bugs me more than being in a meeting and having the managers glued to the dame things.

As mentioned she has a BB for work, our oldest has an iphone, I have always resisted getting a mobile. I never really saw the need. I am at work - meaning at my desk, or in a meeting, or traveling to or from work, or picking up our son. My life has always been predictable and open. Never needed the electronic leash. I think our son has her BB password, but getting it without arousing suspicion could be tricky.

Thank you

Allan,

You can buy a few VAR's and place them in different places: Under the bead, under that car seat of her car.

I placed on under our bed, and I used velcro to attach it to the bed frame. I got the info I needed.

There are plenty of cameras that are small and easy to conceal if you want to go that route.

Just keep snooping. Make this your full time mission until you get the info you need. I have very little doubt you will uncover something soon if you put your focus on this task.

Thanks, does it make sense to hope you are wrong?
At the same time, I know I need to make an honest effort.
Presently reviewing GPS data starting in the middle of last November. If she went anywhere that is suspicious with vehicle 1, I will see it. Might take a few days, but this will be the tip.

Tomorrow, I will drive the car to work, and I can do the same, not sure the data will be from the same period, but this will at least show me if she has driven anywhere to meet. I am pretty sure that he hasn't been to the house - as mentioned outside of public transit, and we live quite a ways out. I also tend to notice any tire tracks in the snow.

Alan,
Can you put spyware on her phone? That would be your best intel.

Regarding the OM coming to your home, the VAR will still record her in phone conversations or video chats on programs like SKYPE. I'd recommend putting it in a place where she would be most likely have those conversations in addition to the bedroom and under her driver's seat.

No chance of this, the phone is a work issue BB, it is locked down from installing anything that would seem suspicious. Above, I asked about VAR software, as we have computers in several rooms in the house, and for those rooms where there isn't one, and a conversation might happen, I may just leave my tablet plugged in "charging". Video chats would be unlikely - unless she was using her BB, again, it is a work one, so she probably wouldn't run the risk, she knows that the IT group at work can review any transmissions.

That is normal. Even if you discover rock solid evidence, you will still hope there is an innocent explanation. That's why gaslighting is so effective: you want to be wrong, even if you can see crystal clear what is going on.

I have completed the review of the GPS logs for both vehicles. I know it isn't conclusive, after all, she was car-polling to work for a while before the holidays, and if something happened during the day, it wouldn't show up.
I have on block of 2 hours on a Saturday that I can't account for. I know she had a wake she went to later that day - and that time, and location is accounted for. However, for 2 hours before the wake she went to her office. I can't push her, without raising suspicions. Any ideas on how to confirm?
The office and the wake were a few blocks apart, she did move the vehicle between the two, otherwise, it might have appeared that she was parking there to save money.
Other than that, nothing that seems suspicious.
Thanks.

Is this since October?

For car#1 I have data from November 15th until now.
For car#2 I have data going back to last spring.

I know that you all firmly have told me that there is a PA going on. With the work she does, and the other person does - both office work - she manages a team of 12, he is not a manager, but works in communications in another organization.
Without accessing calendars, and putting a gps tracer on her person, I am not sure of confirming physical contact, I will see if I can use the VAR software this week-end. Also, going to stop in at the phone/cable provider see if I can get online access to incoming/outgoing calls from the house.
Thank you

Just did a bit of digging, using a photo on his FB profile, I confirmed his address (matched one of the people with the same name in the phone directory to a photo of his son in front of the house across the street).
His home is up for sale. Based on the exterior photo - snow and decorations, looks like the listing was done after Christmas of this year. House also looks like it was either staged, or someone has already moved out - nothing on the counters in the kitchen, four bedroom house - all the beds look like they might be slept in - so if no one has moved out, could be sleeping in separate rooms.

Compared the Address, to all the GPS tracks I have - neither of the vehicles ever went near this place.

Edit - also got car, make, model, color and plate from the exterior shot.

As he is a married man with two children, that is hardly surprising.

Question - for Melody.
I am reading an older thread (LostonLeft coast - Emotional Affair) and I notice again the stressing of the UA time. I understand it, I agree with it, and I have read the rational on timing - 168 hours -50 for work, -56 (actually with my wife, it is probably closer to 65)...We have together from about 5 each night, until 9.
Our boys go to bed at the same time as we do, and my wife is unable to stay up any later.
I would like to work in 1.5 to 2 hour blocks each night - I am calling those connection times - time to fill 3 of the 4 needs - those on her side (the SF can wait on my side she can call the shots there).
As much as I can.

This still leave me with a deficit of about 8 hours or more each week. A couple of 4 hour blocks each week-end day would be great, but we still have that limited time frame - I wake up around 5:30 to 6 am, she wakes up around 7 (if she can sleep in) and the youngest has probably beat her up. Again off to bed around 9. I want to carve out this time, any suggestions?
The boys are noticing that I am monopolizing "moms" time, as we spend time together talking while at home.

Thank you

Melody is going to tell you that you need 4 - 4 hour dates per week. UA time cannot be filled at home, especially with kids there. There is no such thing as 'undivided attention' time when kids are around, even sleeping.

First, you need to prioritize your UA time above everything else, and not the other way around.

Second, you need to spend that time out of the house.

Do you have family or friends that can help with childcare? Can you hire a babysitter?