Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 12 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 12
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
MelodyLane 1) - no it didn't - but to quote Jennifer - I work on Plan A - and keep my hamster (brain) in neutral - no matter what is happening or what I imagine is happening) I plan A for three months -I dropped the ball on this yesterday though.

Plan A doesn't work like that - you can't "woo" your BS when she's actively in an affair. You can't hope recovery methods work with a WS who keeps telling you they want to leave and keeps in contact with the OM.

I find it extremely hard to believe that Dr Harley is on board with this plan.

Further it's absolutely sickening to keep another BS in the dark while the affairees are continuing to talk. Seriously, this makes me sick.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
SC - I am not disagreeing - as you know at this time I have been told not to expose, by Dr. Chalmers who confirmed this with her father. My failure to not expose early is mine - I own that. Me not doing it now is trying to follow instructions.


The intent of this question was to address resentment in situations where there is no affair - pretend it is someone else asking this question.

If I "Joe Blow" came on here with his unhappy (but not wayward) wife and asked the same question - how can I make up for being an oblivious, lazy husband and address my wife's resentment from the past? What would be the answer?

I hope that I can at least use this to try and make some deposits - no matter how heavily they are discounted.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
2) Once the three months are over if we haven't moved onto recovery I will be doing exposure and going to Plan B. Otherwise - I will be calling the person who I suspect is the OM former W and talking and filling her in.

Three months from when? Who came up with this timeline and what is the reasoning?

You've already been at this since February with no RESULTS. Nothing. And it's because you aren't following Dr Harley's plan. It's really that simple.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
If I "Joe Blow" came on here with his unhappy (but not wayward) wife and asked the same question - how can I make up for being an oblivious, lazy husband and address my wife's resentment from the past? What would be the answer?
This forum is full of threads that have dealt with precisely that problem over the past several years. Have you read any of them?

What I won't do is discuss a hypothetical situation with you, that doesn't apply to you. I suspect that you might looking for someone to tell you that your being nice to your wife, without exposing the ongoing, physical affair to HIS wife, will make your wife fall in love with you and end her affair. I don't think it will.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
SusieQ
I agree with the distaste - of not telling OMW. Hence this will happen when the agreed time is done.

I believe you are correct - I was falsely under the impression - with lots of red flags - that there was no contact from late Feb until the sighting in the hall at work in early June.
Then she admitted last week to talking to him on July 4, and then I decided to dig into the VAR recordings in detail and found the call from March 17th.

If there was other contact then those (lets assume there was) then all my effort from February was pointless - and that is something I told her yesterday.

The three months started as of our first phone session with Jennifer -which was June 8th. So September 8th is my deadline - unless WW decides to quite before then.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
-Note - I was not trying to resurrect this thread for assistance for me - I posted what I did above as a message to other BS's to listen to those who are experts and share their advice and experience don't waste it like I did.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
SC - I am not looking to have someone tell me that - I was asking a question which I understand it too folded into the fog.
Question withdrawn, also yes, I am working my way through some of those threads now - http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2646948&page=7 - this is the thread that got me thinking on resentment - most of it is the BS towards the WS - but I was wondering about the other direction.
Thank you.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
Yes, and she discussed it with her father, before confirming it with me during our second call.

This is an exception to the normal rule and it is only due to the circumstances - Jennifer negotiated a 3 month period (with my WW) to work with us. She (Jennifer) feels that exposure at this time would end that agreement.

Just to clarify- the tracking isn't on hold - the contact of this person is though - as if I contact...

Thank you

So the agreement included that your wife continue to shag her boyfriend in these 3 months?

You didn't answer this, contact is allowed and still no exposure?

Your WW and OM can make plans to meet and you are not to tell the OMBW? Is that right?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
2) Once the three months are over if we haven't moved onto recovery I will be doing exposure and going to Plan B. Otherwise - I will be calling the person who I suspect is the OM former W and talking and filling her in.

So after 3 more months of Plan A if you DO move into recovery, you are going to do exposure?

Exposure is going to happen EITHER way in three months?

I just want to make sure we have this all clear because I have NEVER heard anything like this EVER endorsed by Dr Harley before.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Does that thread help you? It is about couples supposedly in recovery - i.e. where the affair is verifiably over - where the BS's continued resentment harms their recovery.

How is any part of that relevant to your situation?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
SusieQ
I agree with the distaste - of not telling OMW. Hence this will happen when the agreed time is done.

I hope she doesn't punch you out for cruelty when you actually do tell her. Do you carry a pistol? You would need it if you did this to me.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
2) He invited her to his new place once he moves (I speculate this was June first so the visit may already have happened)

You have become a partner in the crime. YOUR actions helped allow this to continue behind the back of the OM's BW.

This is what happens when you don't inform another BS so that they can take steps to protect themselves.

Shame on you.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
I did answer (or thought I did) - to quote Jennifer - "no matter what happens for the next three months plan A - in this case it is not a good idea to expose. Your imagination will be your worst enemy here keep it under wraps."
Her and I are not scheduled to speak again until the end of next week. I will ask again at that time.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
I am going to no matter what - the last few days, and something WW said last night(more below) have made me re-think the plan to wait until the end of the 3 months and I will ask Jennifer about it next time we speak.

WW told me that she is waiting until she has the ability to support 2 places (our current home) and an place for her before she moves out. This tells me that if I expose now, she can't leave yet. So I could expose - blow my non-existent LB balance and then have a month or so to try and rebuild.

This feels better, and if I have the right person as the OMW then I probably won't get punched - shootings are actually quite rare here except in the criminal circles. Pistols are rare again except for criminals, and enforcement. Nothing against firearms - they are a great tool, just don't need one. I used one enough when I was younger to decide that.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
Thank you for sharing - I will repeat the timeline
I recorded a call and didn't listen to it at the time - March 20th
I stupidly believed WW that there was NC until she told me otherwise the first week of June (she told me she saw him)
I set up a call with Jennifer - first one happened June 8th - at that time she told me clearly not to expose
I found someone I believe may be the OMW the last week of June. (this assumes she has already left the home and has been living elsewhere for sometime as it was a different phone# and address).
July 6th WW told me she again contacted POSOM and this prompted me to listen to the VAR from March 20th.
I discover the proof I was looking for (swing for the fences I deserve it).



Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 298
A
Administrator
Member
Offline
Administrator
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 298
Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
WW told me that she is waiting until she has the ability to support 2 places (our current home) and an place for her before she moves out. This tells me that if I expose now, she can't leave yet. So I could expose - blow my non-existent LB balance and then have a month or so to try and rebuild.
Don't base your plan on her words. She is wayward and her words and actions will not be the same.

You are trying to make your own plan, but experience learns plan MB is always better than "plan betrayed spouse". If Jennifer tells you not to expose, don't expose. Meanwhile, keep snooping and try to verify if probable OMW really is OMW. And leave your VAR in strategic places.

Reread the articles in the "begin here" post. It is easy to lose sight of the bigger picture and lose yourself in less important details. Go back to the basics and look for other mistakes you made as a beginner.

Make sure you have your ducks in a row the moment you get green light to expose.

And don't underestimate your LB balance. If the affair goes south (which it will, statistics tell), a good plan A will help her see the marriage she could be in. That you don't see any return on investment yet doesn't mean it is all for nothing.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
Ariel,
Sorry what threads? I didn't mean to start another one.

Ok - I see you merged my resentment question - I was leaving
that one to disappear or be deleted.
Thank you.


Last edited by Allan_Tweed; 07/11/17 07:22 AM.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
G2S
Thank you - this is what I was trying to do - I wish I had done it the other way first - and would have if I hadn't disregarded the VAR.


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1

Quote
And don't underestimate your LB balance. If the affair goes south (which it will, statistics tell), a good plan A will help her see the marriage she could be in. That you don't see any return on investment yet doesn't mean it is all for nothing.

It means her wayward mind is getting more and more entrenched because of his enabling. Plan A without exposure is like attending AA without stopping the drinking.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 9 of 12 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 12

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5