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Hello....

I am not new to this....but i need help becasue i don;t know what to do. I have been with my wife for 16 years. We have been married 10. Two days ago she dropped the bomb on me that she has been seeing someone else. It is so hard on the emotional rollercoaster struggling with being mad...but trying not to push her away because I want her to see me...and not push her further into the arms of the other man.

History. I am now almost 48)next week) and she is 35. Today. we met when she was 18 and i was 31. WHen I was 35...I had cancer and went through 4 rounds of chemo. During my time in the hospital...things went to crap. SHe was frightened and took it out on me. And she had a new baby....her stress turned me into a punching bag. I felt, at the time, that this was her abandoning me and abusing me in my time of need. AFter my cure...her abuse continued, and I had an affair. I will always and forever be ashamed of what I did. We used Marriage Builders to recover from it...we were not married then...and about a year later we were on a good path, and got married.

A year after we were married....she had a boyfriend then, and again we survived.

Up till now...I am +2 days d-day. I do not know how to survive this time. It seems we are in a catch 22. SHe is an angry person and tends to insult me on a daily basis...and then she says i am not meeting her emotional needs....but it is made difficult by her anger. SP she is angry..takes it out on me....i then shy away from her and put my walls up...and am not very lovey dovey/

I want desperately to fix this. I love her to death despite our troubles. We are responsible...there are no drugs or alcohol, we make a great team in all other aspect and she is a great mom.

Right now she is staying at her moms...she comes in the morning to see the kids off to school...and spends from time they get home to their bed time here. I do not want to split her off from her kids, but I need her gone as much as possible.

She is not yet willing to end the affair, and I do not want to have her comings and goings in my face. It is too hard...so this is where we stand now.

I need to know what I should be doing...what to read...pointed in the right direction...figure out how to control the emotional rollercoaster so I can try and win back her affection.

Please help

Thanks
Jimmy


D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
Wanting to make it work...right this time.
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A little more background information....

The other man is disabled with no job, is a pill popper (not saying it to be mean, but he had a motorcycle accident last year and is using 18-20 pain pills in 2 days. His girlfreind he just broke up with 3 days ago...is an LPN and he started using her to beg using her position to get more drugs...she refused), he is also on probabtion for physical abuse to his wife...in December...yes...he had a wife...and another girlfreind...my wife outed him to his girlfreind before telling me...but is still willing to put up with all this because he is meeting her emotional needs.

It is all in my face...he posted "in a relationship" to my wife on facebook..changed his background pic to a pic of her...and wished her happy birthday today with a terribly misspelled devotion of ever ending love.

They have supposedly been seeing each other for real about 2 weeks...talking about a moth and a half,

This frightens me for her...because he seems really stalkerish...has threatened me via text...and it all seems really hot and heavy for 2 weeks. Their are claims of no sex so far...but she did say she is surprised and kinda wishes there was.

Last edited by jimbobalu; 02/10/17 10:53 AM.

D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
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Welcome to MB.

Have you exposed the affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes...Her family seems to not really care...Or they hate it...But are supportive of her. .I am careful about community exposure to protect the kids. They are involved in a lot of community events...I do not want THEM to wear the scarlet letter


D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
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Originally Posted by jimbobalu
She is not yet willing to end the affair, and I do not want to have her comings and goings in my face. It is too hard...so this is where we stand now.

Hi Jimmy, welcome back. The first thing you should do is expose the affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will help it end faster. I would start by telling any children over age 4 so they fully understand what is happening to their family. Go read the link in my signature.

I would focus on killing this affair.

The main problems in your marriage is that your wife is a serial cheater. A serial cheater is someone who is out looking for action, very different from the typical cheater who falls into cheating because they have poor boundaries around the opposite sex. There isn't much you can do to save this marriage unless your wife will agree to make a radical change in her lifestyle. Nothing you do can overcome her openly searching for action.

Exposure might help her see how terrible she looks to others so I would strongly encourage you to expose.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is of course, great advice...it rips my heart out...but i know it needs to be done. I trust this system.

It just goes against my heart that is wanting to reach out to her and prove my worth...it is so difficult.

I am afraid this is because my own self worth is probably at a very low place.


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Originally Posted by jimbobalu
I am careful about community exposure to protect the kids. They are involved in a lot of community events...I do not want THEM to wear the scarlet letter

This makes absolutely no sense when the affairees are already putting 'in a relationship' with pictures and messages on facebook crazy

Obviously, your kids are going to hear about this one way or the other. Wouldn't you rather it come from YOU and be the TRUTH instead of some gossip or lies?

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I have a hard time being the one to destroy them....so hard.


D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
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Originally Posted by jimbobalu
I have a hard time being the one to destroy them....so hard.

I would not suggest you destroy them, but that you tell them the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. If you don't tell them, you leave them confused and vulnerable to your wife's lies. If you don't tell them the truth, I assure you she will tell them lies.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SHe posted this on her wall and outed herself before I could.

"Hey friends and family! I generally try to keep my personal life personal, but I am being pushed over the edge. So, I'm going to put it out there once and once only. I have spent the past 10 of 16 years in a loveless marriage. I've begged and pleaded for change and permanent change never came. I've threatened with divorce many times, but was too much of a coward to follow through. I've begged for love and attention, but never received it. I've felt trapped and incredibly lonely for 10 YEARS!!!! This has done irreversible damage to my self esteem. I've been desperate to feel loved, special, wanted, beautiful, important.....
I've found someone who gives me that. Finding this person gives me just enough strength to say I deserve better. It's unfortunate that this is what it takes for me to have the courage to end my loneliness. I wish I had courage before, without needing someone to lift me up first. But unfortunately that didn't happen. I am having an affair. Yes, I'm a terrible selfish person. I am hurting my husband and more importantly my children. I have to put me first, for once.
I would really like to apologize to friends and family and people in my community, especially those whose children I care for and interact with. I will NEVER do anything to neglect or harm any child. I would've preferred to not share this information with parents of my Girl Scouts or my children's teachers and Girl Scout Leaders or any of you, really. I am being strong armed into exposing this so I would rather do it myself.
With that said, Thank you ***EDIT***, for making me feel special and loved and wanted and helping me have courage I didn't have before. At this point, I don't really care what anyone else thinks.
There ***EDIT***, you terrorist....I hope this is what you wanted. Happy Birthday to me!!!"


I think it is time for me to try and heal and let her go. Maybe I need an attorney and not marriage builders.

Last edited by Ariel; 02/10/17 03:40 PM. Reason: Removing real names

D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
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Whether or not you decide to leave, you should still expose the affair. I would expose to the OMs family, friends, your family, your kids, etc. have you spoken to her family about the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Did you tell her you were going to expose her affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SHe knew i was on Marriage builders...she know the program...and preemptively exposed it with her truth. I was still putting together my letter from your signature.

I am afraid i dropped the ball and was too slow. SHe already exposed it to everyone.

She also then admitted that the affair with Brian a year into our relationship wen on another 2 years after i thought it ended. Somehow i was blinded by it. I though i monitored everything and she was done.

SO I now look at a timeline.

A year into our marriage...she had an affair....went on for 2 years and only ended when we moved to Maryland. SO i had no chance for two years....then after that...since i never knew...she was grieving while we were in Maryland from the loss of Brian. So I had no chance during her greiving period.

I think because i never knew any of this...I never stood a chance...i think it's been over for years...it could have been 5 of the first 4 years of our marriage that she was either with someone else...or resentful of me for ending it.

By then too much damage was done...we were in a cycle of her anger pushing me away and then her emotional needs not being met by me because my walls were up from her anger.

I do not put this all on her...I missed so many signs we needed help for so long.


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Originally Posted by jimbobalu
SHe knew i was on Marriage builders...she know the program...and preemptively exposed it with her truth. I was still putting together my letter from your signature.

I am afraid i dropped the ball and was too slow. SHe already exposed it to everyone.

This is why you need to expose the affair yourself. She has told "her truth," [ie: her spin] which means she told people a bunch of crap to justify her behavior. You should expose the affair, giving the OM's name. Additionally, you should expose it to his family and friends. AND your children.

And I agree you should end the marriage. Your wife is not someone who falls into affairs, but a person who is out looking for it. There is nothing you can do to overcome that. BUT, you need to get the truth out. There is no such thing as "her truth" and "your truth;" the truth is the truth.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, your wife does not have affairs because of unmet needs,,but because she is out looking for action. You could have met her needs 100% and she would have still had affairs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you. I will.


D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
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Originally Posted by jimbobalu
Thank you. I will.
When will you be exposing? Who is on your list to expose to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Her family...my family....his family. It has already been exposed to his family...in my way. His daughter was against it and forced the exposure to start.

I also save a lot of facebook contacts of her friends. WIll try and do it all through PM's to keep it private, but exposed.

I exposed to my 12 year old. Still struggling with the 7/9 year old. I did tell them today of divorce. I am trying to work on the best way to tell them the rest.


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And immediately. Tomorrow....I need to be with my kids for tonight. 2 are sick.


D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
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I will report back...i do love the support you all provide. and thank you.


D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
Wanting to make it work...right this time.
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