Here Exposing to Children

Exposing has not gone well....she already got the message out and they all think I am just a lunatic. LOL

Here is what she posted on her wall to refute.

**EDIT**

Lol. That must be the WW mantra. Someone else had the same thing here earlier this week.

And her most recent truth....it really is bad...i just don;t understand how adultery no longer shames people. I really did not know her.

Edited out picture

I want to look away...but it is a train wreck. I exposed to my children.

You might want to remove the images from this thread, take care of your online privacy.

Also, I don;t think it is wise to post all kinds of things on FB. If anything, just post the exposure letter and refrain from further comments. It inevitably gets ugly one way or another.

Believe me, if she wasn't ashamed she wouldn't be on facebook writing ridiculous justifications. She is just fogged out.

so I decided to be about half and half in trying to make this work, and following the paths to protect myself.

In the end....i think the path leads to the same place...either divorce or recovery...and I am trying to understand that i cannot control which...it takes change on both our parts.

I have taken some steps....for me. I have reached out to freinds...I bought another car (hey..she will only get one of them...but if she got the primary, i would be in less of a position to care for them with custody.)

Here is the problem....I need to talk to you guys more. I am making mistakes...and I am pushing her further away.

the Mistakes I have made:

Believing that after my WW agrees to end the affair, she truly has. It didn;t last time and I was naive...I have to brace myself this time.

Demanding that my WW pledge 100% commitment at the time of disclosure. Yup...the ultimatum....ultimately does not go well and you get to hear all kids of thing you don't want to....like "this is what makes me happy right now, and I don;t want to end it" Ouch.

Bludgeoning with guilt. Yes...in my hurt...i want her to feel shame and guilt. But I can't...that is her feeling to own...i can't own it for her.

Believing I can keep WW safe and away from temptation. I know this dude is bad news. I know it won't end well....but telling her that does no good. She has to make her own mistakes. I have to decide if I want to be here when the cards fall. That is not up to her...it is up to me.

Trying to compete with the affair partner. Yes...the groveling...the low self esteem...the panic...the desperate pleading to have her see you for you...that you are better. Lets face it...right now I am not better. She wants what she wants because i missed signs.

Trashing the affair partner...OH YEAH...I have done this in spades. Talk about drawing them closer...now she is on the defense for him. BAD.

Trying to drive the OM away by personal confrontation...only via text and FB...but yes. I have, I even had evidence she didn't really care about him because it is not about him. But she was able to smooth that over. And of course...that just means another make up moment for them.

Thinking that exposure would be enough for them to quit....yeah no...and right now i am suffering that wrath.

Trying to woo them back...and expecting instant gratification. This is a hard one. I am hurting so bad i would like nothing more then to hold each other and get through this together too.

Believing she is the only one that needs forgiveness for the affair. Obviously she has hurts...and reasons for her infidelity. I have to own those too.


These are my mistakes so far...I am on FIRE...lol....i am on such an emotional rollercoaster that even when i know i am making the mistake...it comes out.

Latest argument happened 10 minutes ago. She came over to see the kids...as per our current arrangement. I was in a meeting with work (i work from home)...all 3 kids home sick. When i was done with the meeting, i found her asleep in a recliner in the playroom...the kids were in the living room with me...so during her time with the kids...she came to my house to sleep. I felt this to be crappy behavior....and resented it....I get no naps. Then she said to me...I can;t hang with the kids...then i will get sick....and that is good for no one....meanwhile...I have been cleaning puke...and doling out medicine...and cuddling. This really set me off as well....and then I said what really yanked my chain....is that I FEEL that she is tired because she is staying up all night involved in her affair, and that she can;t come here to recover from that. ANother mistake. ANd she said she had to go see a freind, and pick up stuff for her mom. SHe did not get here till 3PM...is it too much to ask that she get that done BEFORE her time with the kids? She left. In a huff...and very angry again.

I feel like nothing i do is right...and that i do nothing but push her away. I want to just be neutral to it all, do the right things...do right by me....and just hope she comes back around. I already know it will take RADICAL CHANGE...and I am willing to walk through it ONE MORE TIME...but i need to figure out how to engage with her...in a way that i am not causing fights and making her want to leave even more.

I need your kind words and advice. I cannot do this on my own...I am learning that...and I am all in. I need your help. I will seek my own independent counseling...but there are no local support groups for this where i live.

AND my WW decided to leave the house...so SHE is getting her affair un-interfered now. And it hurts to let that continue. I know she sleeps nights at his house. The hardest part is knowing every time WW leaves...she is going back to OM.

Please help.

Thank so much for reading my ramblings.

And how do I plan B when I have to see her for the kids. She comes here...since she has no real home...and she is NOT taking them to the OM ( I read the "MEN..DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME")...the only time is from School to bed...that is her time...AND my time. How do we really plan B if she spends her evenings here?

I do not want to separate her from her children...but this is hard.

Make up your mind whether or not you want to follow MB and stick to it.

Read exposure 101 again and expose properly.

Do you want to recover your marriage? If so, plan A. Don't argue, don't fight, no LB's. Plan A is not plan doormat, but it is about showing your wife the best husband you can (and after recovery, will) be.

If you don't want to recover, tell it here and you will get more advice.
You cannot go in plan B if you see her on a daily basis.

I DO want to recover our marriage. I know it will take radical change. I accept my role in not meeting my wife's needs. I intend to follow everything here...I trust it. I did do exposure...100% to everyone, using the plan and customizing a sample letter....and our children. using the examples set here.

I would plan A...but she is not ready to end it. This would be my preferred method. With her not ending it...we cannot plan A...unless I have misread and misunderstood.

And I cannot 100% plan B because of the kids.

Nope. Exposure is the biggest blow you can deliver to the affair. If the affair is not killed, plan A is what you do until the affair ends a natural death, or you cannot take anymore.

If you keep LB-ing, the affair partner is the more attractive option. You want to look better than the OM. While the aftershocks of exposure cause havoc in the affair, you need to be the best version of yourself.

The affair will die eventually. If the last memory she has of you as a husband is that of a husband who argues all the time and has angry outbursts, would she want to recover her marriage with that man?

Be the best husband you can be, without enabling the affair.

Usually, men have the stamina to follow plan A for at least six months. Woman don't last that long, three weeks usually is their limit.

I would plan A...but again...she left. Not an option....I guess in a way...since she is here for the kids...that is what we are doing? I am really trying to be the best man I can be. I cleaned the entire kitchen, and it never felt so good to clean. I took a walk. I accomplished things.

I read and reread...And then had a conversation with the Ww again. I am in plan A. Even though she is leaving ...She spends a lot of time here. So I am in plan A. I will embrace it as well as I can. She even said she wanted to sleep here tonight until we had another argument I described earlier...So I had just been misreading my situation. I am in plan A. I have taken to posting on Facebook to "only me"...Lol...So I can express myself without actually posting to the world...When I feel hurt and aggravated. Somewhat cathartic.

So I will check in daily..Or multiple times a day. I will seek guidance through plan A...And I will stop trying to control her...And instead control myself. Should I be doing anything beside exposure to fight the affair? Or give it the time to die while I present myself through my actions as the better/more sensible alternative?

Don't argue. If an argument starts and you cannot control yourself, remove yourself from the situation.

Don't post these things on FB, not even to express yourself. The chance of LB-ing is huge and you want to avoid LB-ing, even in your thoughts. In fact, you need to think of other things. So keep yourself busy doing chores and plan A.

Did you confront OM? If you can control yourself, you can tell him you are fighting for your marriage and to stay the h*** away from your wife. Did you expose to OM parents?

Since your wife posted in 2006 in SAA for advice to recover from your affair and she knows plan A, she knows your strategy. You came back on the forum in 2010 and 2013, so you should know someting about marriagebuilders and affair-proofing your marriage.

Did you ever fill out the emotional needs questionnaire? Did you read lovebusters and do you know how to avoid them?

I have glanced over the 2010 topic. A lot has happened over the years.

You might want to mail your situation to Dr Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Yes, thank you. I know it has. We are completely guilty of laziness...which is why i am willing to work on it again, because i realize...we only used this for crisis...and never to make ourselves better.

It was lazy, and it was dumb. I cannot deny that.

Now here we are again.

So...i am going to put this all down on paper...(type) because i have been reading EVERYTHING this site has to provide...it has been EYE opening to say the least.

I have been reading at a fevers pace. I have to be honest with you...i never bought 100% in to everything marriage builders, etc. Sure...i appreciated the help you provided us....but pride gets in my way and i always think i can do everything on my own. I have come to learn....that no more than i can sit you down at my laptop and ask you to do MY job for a day....other people know way more about marriage and the ways to make it last then i do. I cannot do it on my own...i need advice...i need a path...and someone else can so much better tell me how to do that well then i can. I am learning. I have come to also the conclusion... That because of this...i have been in the wrong for so long. I retreated and loved in the wrong way and never gave WW what she needed. I can't even be mad at her anymore...because i am just as much at fault for this as her. I have done nothing but blame her. Not seeing everything for what it was...but now...putting myself in her shoes...it hurts. I DO want her to fall back in my gravity...but this time i wont do it alone...i don't need to...and i know that now.

Its funny...i was cocky....like literally. I always thought...look at all i do for her...how can she not appreciate all this? Never really being awake to the fact that none of that is important. That she have needs i was not meeting...and not really giving in to it out of my own fear. This is why i want to dance. I want to get out of my fear. In all this time...i have not been truly awake. I am now...and my only hope above all other hopes...is that it is not too late. I am changing as we speak....this is all so liberating...and awakening...and scary....and exciting too. I am going to try...because i know her...and i know that i am hugely at fault here and always have been. I am so ready to show her who i really am. No more fear. No more anger. Just me...all of me.

I think when i first started posting here...I was in a fog of anger....I wanted her to be a serial cheater...I wanted her to be all in the wrong. I wanted that to make myself feel better. Now I realize just how long she has put up with this...and why she has done what she has done. I am taking ownership and being honest.

I no longer want to blame her...yes...she is accountable...and she hurt me. But we both played a role in it...and realizing that is helping me tremendously.

Thank you marriage builders...no matter what happens now...you have a fan for life...if for nothing else...for helping me see...and become a better man.