Did you expose to the OM's Girlfriend?

Who in his family did you expose to? Did you expose to his parents? What did your kids say when you told them?

I exposed to his GF and parents through his timeline before they blocked me...But ingot to see them respond so I knew it got out. I did expose to his girlfriend...We have talked...Kinds leaned on each other a little as birds of a feather. Don't worry...Not going there...It was nreif comiserate. The kids were devastated. When I had my A....We only had one kid. And she was only 1. So I told them everything. I told them about my A...And their moms...And what she is doing right now. I explained to them that even adults make mistakes. That it is not about them...And that they are loved and we both are hear for them.

Above is what I get for being old on a smartphone...Sorry for the typos.

SO today is a difficult day for different reasons. I have committed myself to Plan A. So I am keeping my anger to myself if I feel it. I breathe...and then try and rechannel it into a statement that is caring but gets my point across. I want to be safe for her. I know that she can't commit to me right now...and that of course is my personal struggle and fills me with regret. I am trying not to show my inner fatigue and sadness. I want her to see me as the man she wants and to make her safe when she is here. And of course i want that instant gratification I know I can;t have. Its a marathon and I am in it for the duration.

But it's valentines day. If she leaves tonight....its gonna hurt. Bad.

Help me guys. I need your words and encouragement and what i may be doing wrong or should be doing. I have read now also all of Dr Hartleys "what to do with a WW" letters. It is all helping.

The song she shared with me today that she said is her song to me....


Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Sara Bareilles - Gravity


I cried....i don;t know how long its been since i cried like that.

So she came today...We had a dance party with the kids...They missed school. And I felt the house needed a little love. My wife laughed...And she danced with me. After a little while...Kids were watching TV...And I got her to take the emotional needs questionnaire. The shocking thing...She ranked me high in 4/5 of her top emotional needs...And just killed me on affection. I talked to her about it...And she said it has been so long...She feel heebeed by it from me now. That she sought and is continuing this affair right now because she needs the affection and it feels more natural from the OM. That hurts....But I already knew that. What do I do if the is not receptive to the only emotional need I am not meeting and that she has intention of providing me with right now?

She will be leaving once the kids go to bed...She has Valentine's plans with OM.

I have been there...I showed her the affection I can...I have been doing for her...I have given her a safe space. I don't know what else to do or how to go about giving someone affection when I know right now it weirds them out.

Is it possible she is not heebeed? She held me close while we danced...and we sang my song to her together...and she cried a little.

I saw something in that moment. But i want to stay pragmatic.

For history

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

It is obvious to me now...that we will either need to commit to this process or end it. We have been so willy nilly in the past.

I can only say 1 thing, and that is as of right now, this very moment. I am still very much in love with my wife. I have not been a good husband, but i withdrew out of what I felt was to protect myself and we have been in a viscous cycle and just using this forum for crisis and not to make ourseleves a better couple. So I am in PLAN A....i will commit 100%...and I will commit to this 100% for the long haul if we make it this time. I have learned my lesson.

If we stop using this...I will see that as my sign. I don;t expect her to show up any time soon. That won;t be until I can get her post A and into our recovery.

I have some hope. She took the time to do the ENQ....if she didn;t care...she wouldn't bother. I have to take what small signs i can get as encouragement to move forward and hope that every day is a day moving forward and not moving back. SO far today has been good. We have spoken, and we have spoken on things that hurt. But we did it with respect and understanding.

Still tortured knowing she will leave to spend valentines night with him...but that is my cross to bear.

I am trying....help me out.

Anyone....I am going kinda nuts.

Just need to get a handle on my emotions. Every day I have committed myself to say to her before she leaves...." Please don't go". It is not a demand. I know for now she will go. But I want her to know she is safe and welcome here and that i want her here. I think she won;t come back until A has ended....god knows when that will be. I just have to be as patient as I can be.

I read other people's posts...and I wonder if I am acting like a child because it is so hard to control.

SHe brought in valentines gifts for the kids...stuffed bears and candies...and handed me one of those dollar store 5 piece chocolate boxes. I felt like an afterthought. But i guess right now I am...should I be greatful she even did that?

By the way....when I danced earlier....that was huge for me. I am a wallflower...but I am trying to break out of my shell for her. If I am going to be a better man...hopefully someday we can go dancing. And if we don;t work out....hey...I need to be better for me and more outgoing for me anyway.

I also need to be honest about another thing my wife has never gotten about me. And that I need to change.

I grew up in a very strict household. Father was military...and not very kind. I spent HUGE swaths of my childhood confined to my room. Then I joined the NAVY and was on my own. I have often been a loner as a result. To me...having her in the same room has been a comfort to me. It never meant i didn't love her....quite the opposite. I loved her ENOUGH to let her into my world and my space. Mine was a quiet love...not what she needed.

I know that needs to change. It is selfish activity on my part and is no way to love. I am working on it.


+6 days d-day.

You're not really asking any questions, Jim - you're blogging, and posting song lyrics.

All you can do now is stick to Plan A, showing consideration for her when she does come to visit the kids. You have a big advantage by being the father of her children. Wait for the affair to die, and when it does, she will remember your kindness and you will be the obvious person for her to turn to.

Ok..i will rephrase as questions.

1) How do I control my inner resentment? My rational brain knows why this is happening. My heart is crushed daily when she leaves.

2) We did the ENQ. according to hers...I met 4/5. The only one i was not meeting was affection. And of course right now she is not open to it. What are my best steps to approach this? I want to show her affection...and am willing to take the rejection if it comes. I also want to balance it so I am not smothering. SO what is my best method and approach to overcoming this.

She is happy with our sex, my financial support, my honesty, and my family commitment which round out her top five. Their relationship has started on lies (he had another girlfriend he lied about...she caught it...and forced him to end it.). SHe claims they are not having sex (this may actually be true...i believe they are because i have to believe that..it would only make sense, and i don;t want the added shock of being in denial about that) but i do know the cuddling, kissing, sweet nothings are going on. But I caught a text when she was mad at him and she told him she was glad she did not let her guard down and have sex with him...and that was 4 days ago)...in short though what i am saying is...without sex (maybe) and my utter devotion to our family...my exceeding her expectations in finance, and my total commitment to family, i feel he is only MEETING 1 EN. and that potentially gives me encouragement as he will not be able to meet the rest. (he has no job).


3) When she does something that hurts...and she will...right now she is in resentment...and i understand it...what do I do? Is it ok to be trampled on right now? I don;t want to be perceived as a doormat because i know she wants an assertive man who is not weak....is this showing weakness? You see my confusion? I am backing down from everything to TOTALLY avoid LB's, and add as many LU's as I can.

Thanks so much for your reply....i have been feeling a little alone...but I will make sure i am better at getting to the question.

My other real concern is she is only using him as a happiness buffer to leave me permanently...And I want to make sure I do everything to keep that from happening...And would like feedback that I am doing the right things.

Thanks

Have you talked to your doctor about some ADs?

Is he stil married?

I am already on paxil for anxiety disorder...And I use Xanax as needed

Yes he is. .But they are separated with a restraining order. He was arrested for throwing her against a wall and choking her. I can't bring this up....WW knows...But says its not the whole story and the charges are dropping. I don't want to out her defending OM

He also had a girlfriend that my WW forced him to break up with.,

Should I still be attacking the affair?

A real winner.

You did give your wife affection when you danced with her. You can honestly day to her that it hurts you when she goes to see OM and it feels like a knife is turned in you body and to stop seeing him (politely). If she brings you a gift thank her as if you are in the "getting her to date you"phase. Stay in plan a and do something good for you like exercising.

I would like to take solace in the "real winner" comment...But I obviously am not perfect and he is giving her something I cannot.

Any advice for today based on my posts? I am seeking open ended guidance.