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Chalk, I see you avoid mentioning your husbands country of origin. You might want to ask the moderators to edit post #2901863.

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Chalk, I see you avoid mentioning your husbands country of origin. You might want to ask the moderators to edit post #2901863.

Thanks Goody2Shoes. Actually, it is not so much of a problem now. I just got into the habit of not mentionning the country. I was only concerned that I was very identifiable before I moved to South Africa because I lived in a tiny place and, as you can imagine, have quite a distinctive family! And at that time, before I had properly gone into Plan B, it seemed important to keep things close to my chest.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Just wanted to be sure that post can't cause you any trouble.

Your family is in my prayers, I hope the legal matters can be adressed this week and that your family will be safe after the visit (if your WH doesn't change his plans to visit).

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Just wanted to be sure that post can't cause you any trouble.

Your family is in my prayers, I hope the legal matters can be adressed this week and that your family will be safe after the visit (if your WH doesn't change his plans to visit).

Thanks a lot Goody2Shoes. WH has now cancelled his planned trip this week, despite making a big deal out of the fact he was coming to the kids. I think he wanted to come because it is his birthday tomorrow and he thought i would suddenly be overwhelmed with a desire to shower him with affection (I guess Living Well was right about him thinking he could somehow turn the situation around - you are so wise Living Well!!). I was contacted by a friend of his from childhood a few days ago out of the blue, and he asked me a series of questions around the topic of "isn't it sad WH is not here?", to which I replied "it is sad WH doesn't want to have a faithful marriage and live with his family. But given that he doesn't want that, it is much better he is far away rather than here traumatising us". He then said he wanted to bring his family to see me and the children and asked for my address. I told him the area, but not the specific address because I presumed it to be a feeble attempt by WH to find out where we are so he can force his way into the house again. A couple of hours after this conversation, WH informed my lawyer he was not coming anymore. I don't think it was a coincidence.

When my lawyer pointed out to him via email that it was not fair to raise children's expectations and then dash them (he told OC he was coming to bring him presents for his birthday, which was on the 20th), he got extremely angry and said he never told the kids anything and he never made a commitment to come. He has a bizarre attitude to truth and reality.

He has now told my lawyer (and the kids) he is coming on December 17th. Apparently, he said to the children he will take them away on holiday for 3 weeks. Although that is certainly not going to happen given the risk of abduction and him being currently in contempt of court. We are gearing up for a bit of drama around that date. My lawyer is adamant that if he does not follow the conditions of the court order exactly - which he won't - then he will not be allowed visitation with the children at all, even under supervision.

We are also now scheduled to go back to court for an interim maintenance order on December 20th, for which the papers will be served on WH today. I can feel, just in the change in duration and focus of his talks with the kids (even though I don't listen and they sit in their playroom with the door closed), that he is posturing and gearing up for a fight. So I am a bit apprehensive, to be honest. At least we live in a security estate with biometric identification at the front gate. There is no way he can get to our actual house unless i let him in. However, I have been thinking it might be a good idea to change the registration plates on the car so that he can't stalk me when I am driving the kids to school or going to work.

Another weird thing is that it suddenly seems like he doesn't need documents from me to get a visa - despite making a huge fuss about this in his court papers. Or else he has forged my consent documents, as he has done with OC's bio mum for many years.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 11/23/17 06:04 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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My lawyer also told me yesterday that the fact I have got primary care, custody and guardianship rights for OC, while his two biological parents, both of whom are alive and well, have guardianship but not care and custody rights, is a legal first for South Africa. So it is kind of nice to know I am making legal history.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
My lawyer also told me yesterday that the fact I have got primary care, custody and guardianship rights for OC, while his two biological parents, both of whom are alive and well, have guardianship but not care and custody rights, is a legal first for South Africa. So it is kind of nice to know I am making legal history.


Imagine how terrible it would have been for OC if you had not taken him. Neither of his birth parents were able to care for him.

I hope that eventually you are able to adopt him in SA which has a bilateral treaty with the UK so that OC can get the same passports as your other children. One step at a time eh?


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
My lawyer also told me yesterday that the fact I have got primary care, custody and guardianship rights for OC, while his two biological parents, both of whom are alive and well, have guardianship but not care and custody rights, is a legal first for South Africa. So it is kind of nice to know I am making legal history.


Imagine how terrible it would have been for OC if you had not taken him. Neither of his birth parents were able to care for him.

I hope that eventually you are able to adopt him in SA which has a bilateral treaty with the UK so that OC can get the same passports as your other children. One step at a time eh?

Yes, I think about that quite often. Just the trauma of the two months where he was in Congo waiting for his visa to be reissued (which then turned into an indefinite stay because of WH's games) has had a significant effect on him. He bursts into tears if we accidentally mention something that we (the rest of the children and I) did or saw during that time and he has demanded that I delete all photos on my phone from that period. He has three siblings, the woman he considers to be his mother, and a family home, school and routines here. If he was living with either of his biological parents he would be thrust into the chaos and lack of structure of single adult lifestyles, being constantly passed between homes and relatives, all the time knowing that his family is in another country continuing the life he wanted without him. Thinking about that gives me the strength to continue fighting for him - even when it is most people's instinct to think a child is better off with his biological parents.

Yes, I think adoption will come. But one step at a time. We're still working on trying to get WH to hand over OC's passport. I've got a three-year timeframe in mind to get everything sorted out. And if you have to be stuck in one country, South Africa is not a bad place to be trapped.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 11/24/17 01:54 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Yes, I think about that quite often. Just the trauma of the two months where he was in Congo waiting for his visa to be reissued (which then turned into an indefinite stay because of WH's games) has had a significant effect on him.

You can present it to him as part of a journey that lead to his birth parents doing the right thing for him.

Originally Posted by chalkncheese
He has three siblings, the woman he considers to be his mother, and a family home, school and routines here. If he was living with either of his biological parents he would be thrust into the chaos and lack of structure of single adult lifestyles, being constantly passed between homes and relatives, all the time knowing that his family is in another country continuing the life he wanted without him. Thinking about that gives me the strength to continue fighting for him - even when it is most people's instinct to think a child is better off with his biological parents.

The hardest part of being an adopted child is not having an identity. Thankfully OC does not have that problem. He has three half siblings and contact with his Dad. Thanks to that awful two month period, he knows all about his matriarchal family of origin too. He is going to be just fine.


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We served more papers on WH yesterday, for the interim maintenance (which has been a loooooong time coming). He is hopping mad. Sending abusive emails and calling my lawyer - then throwing the phone down on her.

Now that there is distance between us, and zero direct communication, I can see much more easily how he manipulates everything and everyone. He is somehow claiming that the court order I got granting me parental rights for OC and primary care of all the children is "his" court order - and he is now "insisting" that it be enforced, and threatening to go to the police again to get them to arrest me if I do not respect it. He is saying this over and over again to my lawyer, while simultaneously opposing it, denying that it has any validity because he is opposing it, and being in contempt of the same court order because he is refusing to hand over OC's passport, which he was supposed to do by September 22nd (and also not understanding that the police can't do anything in this situation, he would have to bring a motion for contempt against me in court if he wanted to).

He is also claiming that I am preventing him from seeing the children again, despite the fact that he has not made a single tiny bit of effort to see them for the past 6 months. Zero! The way he does this is as follows: 1) He sends a message saying "I will be coming to visit my children on xxx date" but with no other details, and omitting all the crucial bits of information that the court order asks for. 2) He then follows this initial email with a "demand" for confirmation of the details of his visit (for which there are no arrangements, of course, because he has made none). 3) He increases the aggression, making accusations against me that I am, once again, as I apparently did before, preventing him from seeing his children - and I am attempting to destroy his relationship with them, which is totally not in their best interests. And then 4) what happens if/when he actually comes. In our previous country, it was bringing police to the house, assaulting me, taking me to court, etc. Last time he came to SA (when he brought OC), he refused to see the children under conditions that would reassure me he couldn't steal them (ie, supervised contact) then he went to the police and then he changed his flight and ran away back to his country without telling anyone and without seeing the children. I suspect this time he will not supply the necessary documentation (flight and hotel bookings) the requisite 7 days before travelling, and he will refuse to supply times for the supervised visitation (because he refuses to accept any limitation on his freedom to see the children whenever and whatever way he decides). But he will then go to a police station or get himself a lawyer and claim again that he is being refused access to his children - despite the fact that he has created the entire situation by refusing to do what is necessary to see them.

I now totally understand why I spent 10 years in this situation. This technique of moving all the goal posts simultaneously and screaming with righteous anger about things that are the total opposite of reality is extremely effective and introducing doubts for the person you are directing your anger at.

But at least this time, we have the court order that says exactly what he must do in order to arrange a visit. So he won't be able to twist the situation in court, I hope.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 11/28/17 05:04 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
We served more papers on WH yesterday, for the interim maintenance (which has been a loooooong time coming). He is hopping mad. Sending abusive emails and calling my lawyer - then throwing the phone down on her.


People like your WH (and my XWH) use a combination of aggression and confusion to get their own way in life. If you go on the initiative he gets confused as you have seen. He has no coping mechanism for that.

He is relying on wearing you down until you give in out of sheer exhaustion. That is why it is so important to conserve your energy and resources (both mental and financial) for the long haul.

It does not matter whether the issue is significant or not, go on the attack. This can be something quite minor; you are looking to set him up so that he behaves really badly in the court. Then they can see exactly what kind of person he is.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
We served more papers on WH yesterday, for the interim maintenance (which has been a loooooong time coming). He is hopping mad. Sending abusive emails and calling my lawyer - then throwing the phone down on her.


People like your WH (and my XWH) use a combination of aggression and confusion to get their own way in life. If you go on the initiative he gets confused as you have seen. He has no coping mechanism for that.

He is relying on wearing you down until you give in out of sheer exhaustion. That is why it is so important to conserve your energy and resources (both mental and financial) for the long haul.

It does not matter whether the issue is significant or not, go on the attack. This can be something quite minor; you are looking to set him up so that he behaves really badly in the court. Then they can see exactly what kind of person he is.

Thank you so much Living Well. This is really giving me food for thought. I knew the supervised contact thing would drive him absolutely crazy - and we have used the forged documents I mentioned a couple of weeks ago in the most recent filing to demonstrate how he can easily get "official" travel documents for any of the kids, and has no problem forging consent affidavits, which presents an obvious risk. I think he will become totally obsessed with this "accusation" of forgery, and his fantasy that I am refusing him contact with the kids, and then completely forget what he is supposed to be defending - the money stuff.

But you have made me think that I need to strategise carefully to make sure that, when the court date arrives, he is suitably obsessed with the thing that makes him most angry (the supervised contact). Hmmmm.....thinking.....

I have previously not wanted him to turn up in court because I know how charming he is - and I suspect that even judges will be fooled (no matter how much my lawyer protests that they have so much experience of people who behave badly). But it has proved quite a challenge to get an order for adequate maintenance against him when he is not there. So I guess it is better for him to be there - and then behave badly - than not to be there at all.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I suspect that even judges will be fooled (no matter how much my lawyer protests that they have so much experience of people who behave badly).


Even my lawyer was fooled for quite a while. Are we married to the same man?


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I suspect that even judges will be fooled (no matter how much my lawyer protests that they have so much experience of people who behave badly).


Even my lawyer was fooled for quite a while. Are we married to the same man?

Hahahaha! Nothing would surprise me at this point.....;)


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I think I am starting to feel the effects of trauma and I am wondering what to do. Does anybody have any advice? I am mindful of all Dr Harley's advice about counselling and how it keeps past trauma in the present, but I am also worried that if I don't deal with it effectively, it might affect my parenting.

My husband strangled me in September last year to the point where I lost control of my bladder and thought I was going to die. He was holding me down on the floor outside our house while he was standing and he had his hands on my neck. My legs were cycling round and round and I was trying to call out to our dog to help me but no sound would come out. I managed to get away somehow. Or maybe he just let go. But then I ran into the house, he followed me, ripped off my wet leggings (because I had lost control of my bladder during the strangulation) and then forced himself on me afterwards. I kicked and fought him for a while but then gave up. And then ran into my nanny's room, naked from the waist down, and locked the door and slept in her bed with her and my baby. All I could think was that my eldest son wouldn't have a mama and he wouldn't be able to cope with life. I don't know why I only thought of him and not all the children. I didn't speak a word to my husband for a week after that. But somehow, he just managed to gloss over it and make life normal. And after a while of him behaving so completely normallly, you wonder if it really happened or not.

But that was the event that made me put spyware on his phone and start the process of trying to get myself out of the situation.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I am a very logical and action-orientated person so I think I have been able to compartmentalise this stuff while I am implemeting a plan and thinking about strategy. But I am worried that after the maintenance hearing, when I think I will actually get the money sorted out at last, I will suddenly feel very lost because all the things I have been fighting for will have been completed.

The thing that worries me most is not the most serious things like the strangling, but the huge pain from every single incident of deciet that becomes clear in retrospect. I don't understand how each lie, or each sudden realisation of a past lie, hurts so much, seeing as I have been through so many of them. But they do. Every lie is extremely painful and I don't think I can allow my mind to go to any episode during the past 10 years without finding an example of deception since WH lied all the time about everything. But how do I go forward in life trying not to think about the past 10 years?? And how much of my memories of my children do I have to block out?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I have really been in a very abusive relationship for a long time. But I didn't realise. I thought I was actively chosing my life and my circumstances and somehow didn't recognise that I had become so fearful of seeing evidence of my husband's cheating in the eyes of waiters in restaurants, or people in the only bar in town, or people I bump into randomly in the supermarket (we lived in a tiny place, as I have mentioned before), that I literally never went out. I only took my children to school and went food shopping once a week. Then I travelled to the neighbouring country for work. Because I have so many children, was pregnant for what felt like years, and because I have an intensive job that required a lot of travel, I somehow didn't connect the dots that I was living in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety. I just kept trying harder to be a better wife, to be more attractive, to cook better Congolese food, to solve any problems my husband mentioned, to eliminate all social contact with any men ever, to withdraw totally from friends and focus on the home - and to make myself so totally "good" and honest that I could somehow convince myself that it was possible my husband did not have the bad intentions my intuition told me were there.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am a very logical and action-orientated person so I think I have been able to compartmentalise this stuff while I am implemeting a plan and thinking about strategy. But I am worried that after the maintenance hearing, when I think I will actually get the money sorted out at last, I will suddenly feel very lost because all the things I have been fighting for will have been completed.

The thing that worries me most is not the most serious things like the strangling, but the huge pain from every single incident of deciet that becomes clear in retrospect. I don't understand how each lie, or each sudden realisation of a past lie, hurts so much, seeing as I have been through so many of them. But they do. Every lie is extremely painful and I don't think I can allow my mind to go to any episode during the past 10 years without finding an example of deception since WH lied all the time about everything. But how do I go forward in life trying not to think about the past 10 years?? And how much of my memories of my children do I have to block out?
For me, I had to re-write some memories, replacing the wonderful man that I thought he was with reality. Now when these moments cross my mind, it is without triggering much emotions. No children involved in those memories, no 10 years of marriage and it took a lot of my precious time. Don't be me and take the long route.

There are some tricks to detach emotions from memories faster, I now know. If you remember the events like it happened, it triggers the same emotions and if you remember the events often, because of building neural pathways, those emotions will be triggered easy. That is why Dr. H advocates not to dwell on the past. If neural pathways are not used, they will fade. Remembering and reliving the past will keep them alive.

One trick if you are hit by a bad memory, give your brain another task (think baby panda's), if you keep your brain occupied, it will not be able to focus on the bad memory.
If that doesn't work, remembering the event backwards lets you think of what happened without triggering the emotions.
Also, EMDR-therapy and some NLP 'tricks' can help detach emotions from memories/events (remembering backwards is a NLP trick). But you probably don't want to lose a huge amount of your precious time.

Why don't you ask Dr. Harley what the best course of action is in your case.

I suspect the main reason you are suffering now is that you are still in contact with WH. If you can block his nasty input (reading post #3001371 I see you still receive way too much abuse), you probably won't be triggered nearly as much as you are now.

Quote
But I am worried that after the maintenance hearing, when I think I will actually get the money sorted out at last, I will suddenly feel very lost because all the things I have been fighting for will have been completed.
You are not fighting for the money, you are fighting for a good, safe life with your children. Why not start doing that after those things are finally completed?

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am a very logical and action-orientated person so I think I have been able to compartmentalise this stuff while I am implemeting a plan and thinking about strategy. But I am worried that after the maintenance hearing, when I think I will actually get the money sorted out at last, I will suddenly feel very lost because all the things I have been fighting for will have been completed.

The thing that worries me most is not the most serious things like the strangling, but the huge pain from every single incident of deciet that becomes clear in retrospect. I don't understand how each lie, or each sudden realisation of a past lie, hurts so much, seeing as I have been through so many of them. But they do. Every lie is extremely painful and I don't think I can allow my mind to go to any episode during the past 10 years without finding an example of deception since WH lied all the time about everything. But how do I go forward in life trying not to think about the past 10 years?? And how much of my memories of my children do I have to block out?
For me, I had to re-write some memories, replacing the wonderful man that I thought he was with reality. Now when these moments cross my mind, it is without triggering much emotions. No children involved in those memories, no 10 years of marriage and it took a lot of my precious time. Don't be me and take the long route.

There are some tricks to detach emotions from memories faster, I now know. If you remember the events like it happened, it triggers the same emotions and if you remember the events often, because of building neural pathways, those emotions will be triggered easy. That is why Dr. H advocates not to dwell on the past. If neural pathways are not used, they will fade. Remembering and reliving the past will keep them alive.

One trick if you are hit by a bad memory, give your brain another task (think baby panda's), if you keep your brain occupied, it will not be able to focus on the bad memory.
If that doesn't work, remembering the event backwards lets you think of what happened without triggering the emotions.
Also, EMDR-therapy and some NLP 'tricks' can help detach emotions from memories/events (remembering backwards is a NLP trick). But you probably don't want to lose a huge amount of your precious time.

Why don't you ask Dr. Harley what the best course of action is in your case.

I suspect the main reason you are suffering now is that you are still in contact with WH. If you can block his nasty input (reading post #3001371 I see you still receive way too much abuse), you probably won't be triggered nearly as much as you are now.

Quote
But I am worried that after the maintenance hearing, when I think I will actually get the money sorted out at last, I will suddenly feel very lost because all the things I have been fighting for will have been completed.
You are not fighting for the money, you are fighting for a good, safe life with your children. Why not start doing that after those things are finally completed?

Thanks a lot Goody2Shoes. That is all extremely good advice. I will research these techniques you have suggested and will also email Dr Harley about it. I don't have any contact with WH at all - my lawyer manages everything. But he is refusing to get legal representation so all the contact to her is directly from him, and I do need to read his responding affidavits or accusations he makes about me to her in emails in order to be able to supply the necessary information for replies for court files. It is probably reading his lies and re-writing of history under oath that keeps me dwelling on things. He does call the kids on skype every day, and that affects me too. When I have saved up enough for a family computer I will move them over to that. At the moment, the only computer we have at home is my work laptop, so I have to sign them in and set it up for them. I would like to eliminate my role in having to keep the skype arrangment altogether now my eldest is turning 8 and I think he can manage it.

My lawyer really does think that Dec 20th will be the last time we need to go to court for a while, and she thinks the 6 months of him failing to pay makes the case strong now. It has turned out to be a problem that I am a woman who earns a good salary and can clearly manage life. Apparently that fact makes judges think that because i don't "need" support from my husband to be able to afford food and shelter, that somehow the requirement for him to contribute to his children's lives is less. I hope that message doesn't get across to men!!!!!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Have you listened to the radio clips in here? Dr. Harley on How to Deal with Triggers


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you listened to the radio clips in here? Dr. Harley on How to Deal with Triggers

Thanks a lot BrainHurts. No, I hadn't! But I will now. Thank you


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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