OMG...Just met the boyfriend...Coming here to breathe. Can't react.

How do people do this? Lol

How did that happen?

I sure hope you gave him a piece of your mind.

Will you be leaving your wife to the graces of this worm.
Or will you fight for your family?

She came by the house to grab something. She had him bring her. He did not come in...but i noticed her van was not behind the house. Looked out front...found him...walked right up to his truck.

I am NOT a violent man...I will NOT have a violent conflict. My children mean too much to me to allow it.

But I said to him:

ME: "You have any courage?"
HIM: "Plenty"
ME: "Then look me in the eye and know the pain you have caused me...the father who;s heart you have broken....the pain of the family you are ruining."
HIM: Nothing...wouldn't look at me...no words.

I could have been angry....and I was angry with her for doing it. I felt that she set this up...maybe subconsciously...but surely anyone with a brain knows THIS was not a good idea and would hurt me.

But I felt a little satisfaction in how little of a man he was. How not proud of himself he was...how he was not able to look me in the eye. I have an opinion of men who steal married women....and they are less than pond scum.

That seems loaded. If I am truly in Plan A...am I not leaving her to the graces of this worm until she decides otherwise? I thought this WAS the plan to fight for my family. To be the best me I can be...and hope she finds her way back to me.

If not...what do I do? I don;t know what to do BUT set her free to him. Anything else right now causes anger...and of course she is closed to me right now and offers no signs of encouragement which i have read and learned not to expect.

SO please explain this....the 2 seem to conflict to me.

I think you did very well to confront him. Dr Harley encourages men to do it if they can without landing in jail.
You obviously remained calm and focused and confronted him with dignity. You couldn't have done better if you had planned it.

Sorry, I probably misinterpreted you earlier post about letting go as giving up on plan A and all.

Thank you for that. I cried reading it. You don;t know how much you validated my day.

What now? I need insight to move forward.

Ok...I will phrase it in a question. I had an affair back before we were married...it is here...in these forums.

During our recovery...I gave her hope...I spent time with her...I was confused and hurting her...but i was actually TRYING to find my way back to her.

Everything i seem to do following this plan has driven her closer to him.

Exposure...horrible...she withdrew.
Trying to decide our fairest Plan A....she withdrew...closer to him...started spending every night at his house instead of here now that it was out and known.

Confronting him - she accuse ME of being immature and is mad at me again.


Where do I find hope when everything seems to be driving her further into her A? What do I find to hold onto?

This is where i am struggling.

This beauty of MB, jim, lies in its simplicity.

Here are your answers:

1) Ignore her fogbabble. She's having an affair and she's lost her mind. Don't try and make reason out of it, and don't ruminate over what she says.

2) Kill the affair. This is the only way you have a chance of getting her out of the fog. Kill the affair, and the fog will lift.

3) Exposure and confronting the POSOM were two steps you took to doing #2 above. Don't despair you took those steps even though they were hard. This isn't an easy program to follow, but it's effective.

4) Stay in Plan A. Make your love banks deposits, don't excuse the affair, and stick it out. It's a process and it takes a lot of time and a lot of strength.

I exposed and I confronted. What else can I do to kill it? Trust me...I would love to. I don't know how.

The answer is in Step 4. Fill her love bank, even if it is from a distance. Stay in touch with her without suffocating her. Look for opportunities to meet her needs, send her love notes, and text her thoughtful tender messages. There will come a time when she gets sick or needs help. Be there for her. This doesn't go on forever. We don't encourage that you enable her to cake-eat. But Plan A does inform her that you have changed, you will be a great husband who has learned his lesson, and you will provide a safe landing when the affair crashes and she hits rock bottom.

Thank you. I would like to keep using this to blog my experience and ask advice when I can. I have a session with Dr Hartley for Wednesday to try and gain perspective.

She lets me give her a hug when she arrives...And when she leaves. She tells me she doesn't know why she lets me. I just say...Cause you care. And that's it. She also does not want me to separate our lives. She does not want me to plan b. She is here 90% of the time from 8Am to 9pm. For the kids. I try to use it to my advantage.

Here is the final question for now. The have your cake and eat it to. Because she is here except nights..I have to call it plan A...She sleeps there...But this is home base. So I am paying all the bills. She does not work.

How is this not having her cake and eating it too? Am I enabling her affair? I waffle between being taken advantage of...And her not wanting to separate finances as a sign she does not want to have permanent damage to our position together in life. She tells me it's not about money...But honestly...Without it...She would either not see him or not see the kids ..I don't want to make her make that choice. So I continue. But how do I KNOW and trust she doesn't want permanent damage instead of using me?

Also...She keeps saying A is not about OM...She just wanted to be done with me and didn't have the courage to do it alone. She could give or take him. So she says. How do I process that...What is her fog really saying?

Fog justification babble. Ignore it.

Craziest things Waywards say

After the exposure to her OM today. I chose to continue my confrontation with him. He had threatened me via text before...so I figured...got his number.

I told him what kind of man i thought he was. I told him he was small and insignificant and a distraction for my wife while she is confused and harboring resentment to me...but my love is real and don;t get comfortable. That ANY man that would mess with another man's wife is lower than pond scum and not worth even cleaning off my boot. That the fact that he could not look me in the eye means I know his shame. And he does too. And i hope he lives inside the man he is forever.

Maybe not the most mature....but it felt ******* good. And I needed that. Maybe sacrificed a little of that prior dignity. But its all the things you wish you could say....and i was done bottling it. I needed it out.

I did make the mistake though today of showing her more evidence of his violent nature. His wife (yes..they are not divorced yet) talked about the abuse and how he threatened her to get off with just a NCO and not assault charges. I am realizing that trying to point any of this out is just like trying to tell a Trump supporter that he sucks. "I can shoot a man in the middle of 5th avenue and wouldn't lose any supporters" kind of philosophy. She denies it and then defends him "I don;t care what anyone says...this man treats me good and that's all that matters"

Then she told me..."if you two keep this up i will walk away from you both and leave you both with your **** in your hands. DO I have to run away from everyone in the world even my kids to get some peace."

i guess that drove the point home. She is hurting too. She ran to him because she is hurting. I don;t think my reaction today was out of line...so I think today was expected. But I just have to back off...be myself...completely extricate myself from the A...i have done all I can....and move on and just be here to pick up the pieces. These are HARD lessons to learn.

apples...thanks for the link...it;s encouraging....I wish i knew how many of the people that heard these things had a marriage survive it. I look for signs of hope.

I now have the weekend alone. Kids are gone tonite at friends and tomorrow for a Mall Lock in with the Girl Scouts (mom is a leader...(at least one night i know she is not with OM :-) )

So i will come here often. I find peace here amongst those who have walked in my shoes.

Sometimes....i know i am not asking questions...but your words of encouragement help....and sometimes...please ask me tough questions. I don;t even know if I know everything i need to reflect on.

Thanks!

Oh yeah....she does laundry and takes showers here to go to him. Should I tolerate this in Plan A?

You did expose to the OM's BW, correct?

Also, about the money, you aren't giving her money to facilitate her affair are you?

I did...She didn't care...She hates him...Has a non contact order from when OM beat up BW back in December. She moved 4 hours away and still gets threatened to this day. He had a girlfriend too....My WW broke THEM up via text.

As far as money. I am in a plan A. She has full access to the house...Kids...And 2 credit cards in her name...I pay all the bills. If I cut her off...She will get mad and stay with him..And then I force a decision between her and her kids? I mean...If I am in Plan A...I still provide all the marital financial support. So yes...In essence...She gets to do what she wants.