That's with Steve Harley (Dr. Harley's Son), correct? I meant have you written Dr. Harley at the radio show?

Yes I have

I talked to Steve Harley his morning and met with my lawyer.

About the lawyer....I am not pushing for divorce yet...but legal separation for protection of the children. They are not to leave the school district. They are to remain in their home for now (revisited if she ends up with a home) and that they are not to be around OM. Cut and dry. It is about them.

As for Steve. Amazing clarity. He told me to calm down because their is nothing to do. My wife has 2 sister addicts, one clean now, one still actively using. He put it in the perspective of them.

My wife is currently using (OM). This is her drug. This is what is making her feel good right now, and nothing in this world is more important than her next fix. She will step on family, she will blow up her life and other's lives to get this fix. This is something I can understand having dealt with addicts. That until she stops using, she will not see any of the damage she is doing. All is right with her world as long as she has access to her drug (OM). That is very powerful and I cannot compete with that.

He told me to protect myself, but be open to her recovery once she is done using. I know this is not a relationship that is sustainable...so she will eventually have to give up her drug once she comes to her own realization that that is what she needs to do.

I need to take care of myself. And do things to help her trust my sincerity. She got my plan B letter and I am now in plan B. No contact except for kids. But i will take what I can...any steps I can to help her trust me.

I will also let her know that I do not want our old marriage back either...that that old thing is dead. But that I will be open to a discussion about how to make a marriage we can both enjoy, once she is done using.

It is all very hard. But all of you, and Steve, have been very helpful.

I start IC on Monday.

Thanks

Only hard part now...is the unrequited love. Being the only one in it right now. Saying what I say and wanting something in return.

I am getting better with this.

Did Steve H advise you to go into Plan B? Also, it's not Plan B if you have contact with her. Do you have an IM? Did your Plan B letter match the template from here?

Yes...plan B. I do have contact...but its all I can do. He gave me an exercise to do. The letter did follow the template somewhat...I read it to him...he was OK with it.

His advise was sound. In plan to follow it.

I learned to write a letter 3 times. Once in may be upset...second edit better. Third edit good.

Living in my pain now. But getting better at it...And better at distracting myself. I am feeling the depression still...So I have not done me as much as I should...But I am trying to just make a pact with myself to do it.

Steve had asked me to ask WW to speak to him. Even after all her time on here....She does not want to do it. She says she believes in marriage builders but she is beyond it. Which is a bit of an oxymoron to me...Since I think our problems can be worked out if the program is followed. We have had very little contact except for the kids. She got my Plan B letter. I know there is nothing to be done anymore except wait and see and everyday will get a little better.

Sorry to tell you that it isn't Plan B when there is contact between you and WW.

You're in Plan C (which isn't a plan).
BSs Plan C isn't a Plan.....,,,

Did Steve Harley tell you to get an IM while you're in Plan B to communicate with your WW?

We communicate by text. I can't make her leave the house totally by law...And I am pursuing a status quo order with the kids while separated....So is it technically plan A? No...Plan B...No....It just appears to be what I am stuck with for now and have to make the best of.

Problem is...It means she gets her cake and eats it too. She gets the kids...She gets access to the house..She gets to continue the affair. She even asked me to help her find a house...Lol.

She constantly tells me it is not about the affair. That she was leaving me and he just happened to be there. That if that fades away. She is still not coming back. That she was 18 when she met me and does not know how to be on her own and needs to try and gain her Independence. I find this laughable since she still lives off my money...And she still wants my help to find. Home for her.

See....Problems with her leaving. I petitioned the court that the kids can't leave the school district ..And she cannot afford our school district. She has no job...And has not worked in 15 years.

She also obviously does not want to be alone. So I don't buy in to her woman power story. I am not sure where it is coming from.

She is harboring a ton of resentment towards me. I can't figure it out. But what I can say is every day is a little easier than the day before. But having her here every day definitely interferes with my healing.

So she just accidentally texted me what was meant for him. OMG....I don't deserve this. So I have gone deeper towards plan b. We will now only communicate via ***EDIT*** and I blocked her text messages. It will keep a record for court.

Seems extreme...But I need boundaries to heal...And I only have about a 1% confidence she will ever come back. So these are my new steps to protect me

She also changed her credit card password. Told her if I can't see it and account that it is for the house or kids...I can't pay. She changed it back....Lol

I am getting better at not reacting except smartly and getting. Closer to acceptance. It is what it is. Plan b is about me. And a CONVERSATION if she ever wants back. But I know now it is about moving forward.

Did you get your doctor to adjust your meds?

Jim, you really need to get into a real Plan B. You are calling what you are doing "Plan B," but it isn't. You need to get an IM that can facilitate contact with your WW, so that you don't have to. That website is not a substitute for an IM -- it might could be used BY an IM, but shouldn't be used by you.

Its focus seems to be coparenting, which Dr. Harley does not recommend. Have you read about parallel parenting? That is what Dr. Harley recommends, and works wonderfully for parents who are in a real Plan B.

If your WW will move out if you help her find a place to live, help her find a place to live! Make it your last ditch effort at Plan A. Nicely help her pack, help her move, give her the Plan B letter and then shut that door. You are in Plan C right now, and it will not work to save your marriage OR save your sanity.

Lawyers orders to maintain status quo. She is still on the lease I can't kick her out. She is still their mother and a status quo order has us shared parenting. I cannot change this until more is finalized in a potential divorce which I believe is most likely. After she accidentally texted me what was meant for her boyfriend today...I shut down all contact except through shared parenting website. I have to see her. I don't have hope for the marriage anymore because we are stuck for now. My lawyer wants her to stay in this limbo....Because as long as I am supporting the marital home...I owe her nothing else. Divorce will be delayed as long as possible. Maybe at some point. This will become easier ..It is starting to...But admittedly is still torture. Only 16% of all marriages end amicably. I can only hope for that. I am not being unkind...I am just being nothing.

I have found a small support group that I talk to and I spend as little time near her as I can. It's helping.

I want you to know....I hear what you are saying. But I have to be smart legally too...And I have to end up favorable in the eyes of the court for the kids and everything so I am following his advice. I did talk to Steve Harley about all this. He is aware. Said he understood the situation. But I think I have given up hope for this. I think a point cones where you look back at everything. And it becomes just you and your kids...And she can kiss my a**. Sorry...That's just where I am right now. I want to peacefully let her dig herself deeper. I need to protect myself and my children now...Nothing is about her anymore.

Update...Divorce will be filed this week. I am moving on and every day is easier. She is actually making it easier. LBing and being so abusive to turn my hurt into anger and hate. I don't reciprocate. Their is nothing left for me to say. I let her go and she will make her choices. I am done with it.

So I will move to divorcing. I thank you all for your help. I will use MB to build my next relationship into one I can have forever. I decided I deserve better. If you look over all our threads...It was obvious what was happening really should not have been surprising. After I read them all...And some other Info revealed...She is a serial cheater and cheated 7/16 years minimum. I was blind. I saw our one major recovery as something that would last a Lifetime and believed she understood MB and it's principles. I didn't fully though...And she didn't at all. I have learned so much through all this and I will do my best to carry it forward into my future.

Thanks

Good luck with it all jim,be strong.My friend has just gone through a divorce and he has his 3 kids and a new girlfriend.He has never been happier.He said if you asked him 8 months ago if he would take his wife back,he would have.But not now.By the look of it mine is going the same way.I wish you all the best.cheers rob

Thanks Rob...you too!