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Originally Posted by Grace1000
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Who on OW's side was the affair exposed to?

We did not expose the OW to anyone. She just ended up with a pregnancy/baby and no man in her new town and new job (also high income earner). She has a child from her ex-husband too (just 2 years older than OC) and they look really different because of different race fathers. She has cut that father out of the life of that child too.

I don't know what she told her family about the conception of the OC. For that matter, I don't know what she plans to tell OC about her father.

I do feel sorry for that OC. frown
So you didn't do a full exposure?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Grace1000
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Who on OW's side was the affair exposed to?

We did not expose the OW to anyone. She just ended up with a pregnancy/baby and no man in her new town and new job (also high income earner). She has a child from her ex-husband too (just 2 years older than OC) and they look really different because of different race fathers. She has cut that father out of the life of that child too.

I don't know what she told her family about the conception of the OC. For that matter, I don't know what she plans to tell OC about her father.

I do feel sorry for that OC. frown
So you didn't do a full exposure?

No, we didn't know about MB or Dr. Harley back in those days. The exposure to our family and our friends and our daughter was 2.5 years ago.

I am not sure if I could figure out how to do a full exposure.
By the way, her mom is a WW who married her AP (happened when OW was about 12 years old). Their marriage has lasted 20+ years. Not sure she would condemn her wayward daughter...

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When will you be going into Plan B? Do you have an IM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I know Plan B is to protect me from hurt, but isn't this case a little different than a WH not ending his affair? The affair is over. He is in withdrawal/grief from the OW finding a new man, and he's dealing with his guilt and shame over everyone who got hurt and his OC growing up without knowing him. He says he just can't come home yet because he is (his words) "working on himself and needs to learn to love himself." Also he says he "feels contempt from me" and can't work on himself and fully plunge into reconciliation at the same time. I know this is selfish, but not surprising. My H has always been the more selfish partner and I just accepted it before the affair.

He seems to be in some kind of midlife crisis. Every time I log onto my Kindle, I see what he has downloaded (we share one Amazon account) and here are the last four books:
"Anxiety: Rewire Your Brain Using Neuroscience to beat Anxiety, Fear, Worry, Shyness and Panic Attacks"
"Meditation Techniques: How to Meditate for Stress Relief..."
"Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours"
"The Lies We Tell Ourselves: How to Face the Truth, Accept Yourself, and Create a Better Life."
I should say he never ONCE downloaded a self-help book before the affair.

Thoughts?



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Originally Posted by Grace1000
I know Plan B is to protect me from hurt, but isn't this case a little different than a WH not ending his affair?

I know you want to think that your case is special somehow, and that your WH is different than every other wayward. You are wrong. Your case is no different than any other affair, and the advice will be no different. Your WH is a normal, selfish wayward. He has subjected you to years of abuse through his ongoing gaslighting and affair, and even an OC. He continues to think of HIMSELF and could care less about the pain he has caused you. YOU are the victim.

Again, you don't know that the affair is over. And you don't know that there are no more secrets out there. What you DO KNOW for sure is that there have been ZERO actions taken on his part to heal YOU from the pain he has caused or recover your marriage. ZERO.

Dr Harley does not believe in mid life crisis. He is having an affair and has been living an SSL for many years. He is screwed up mentally because he is WAYWARD not because he is having a midlife crisis. Downloading self help books means nothing, absolutely nothing. They mean he is focused on HIMSELF and could care less about you or your marriage right now.

You need to go into Plan B and protect yourself from all of this Grace. This will mean getting rid of all connections to WH, like this Amazon account you share...

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Originally Posted by Grace1000
I know Plan B is to protect me from hurt, but isn't this case a little different than a WH not ending his affair?

No, it is not different. The "crisis" is that he is addicted to the OW. Dr. Harley believes that "mid life crisis" is a form of denial.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, he is not in his mid-life, he is 49.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have you read this?
Please Explain Gaslighting


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Grace1000
IHe says he just can't come home yet because he is (his words) "working on himself and needs to learn to love himself."

He is gaslighting you. This is all bullsh**. He can "work on himself" at home, obviously. He does not want to come home because he doesn't care about his marriage. This is like the rapist saying he can't make restitution to his victim because he needs to learn to "love himself." MrRollieEyes I mean, c'mon, surely you can see how silly that sounds.

He doesn't want to come home and work on the marriage because he doesn't CARE about your marriage. He is very likely still pursuing the OW or has started a new affair with someone else. Bottom line is that you need to go into Plan B and get out of this mess.

Hanging around waiting for his crumbs only makes you less attractive and lessens the chances of reconciliation. It is harmful to your mental and physical health.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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YES. I know.
I contacted our mediator and told her we need to get the final details in place to write a divorce decree to finish up this divorce!

I am ready.


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You are going to feel so much better when you are away from this mess Grace.

You have been dealing with a wayward for so long now it is a wonder you're not in a mental institution.

You deserve so much more than this.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
You are going to feel so much better when you are away from this mess Grace.

You have been dealing with a wayward for so long now it is a wonder you're not in a mental institution.

You deserve so much more than this.

Thank you, unwritten. Thank you to BrainHurts and MelodyLane too...all of you have been so supportive. Yes, I think I have been on the verge of being in a mental institution but through the grace of God (hence my name) I am still functioning. I know there's something wrong with me, I am extremely codependent and I am going to have to get over that so I can move into a healthy relationship after recovering ***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 02/22/17 12:08 PM. Reason: Do not bypass the profanity filter
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Originally Posted by Grace1000
Originally Posted by unwritten
You are going to feel so much better when you are away from this mess Grace.

You have been dealing with a wayward for so long now it is a wonder you're not in a mental institution.

You deserve so much more than this.

Thank you, unwritten. Thank you to BrainHurts and MelodyLane too...all of you have been so supportive. Yes, I think I have been on the verge of being in a mental institution but through the grace of God (hence my name) I am still functioning. I know there's something wrong with me, I am extremely codependent and I am going to have to get over that so I can move into a healthy relationship after recovering ***EDIT***

I don't think it is an accident that you made it here, my friend. You will get lots of support here!

Bravo to you for reaching out to your attorney!

Last edited by Ariel; 02/22/17 12:09 PM.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Good job on proceeding with the divorce. Like unwritten and MelodayLane have said you will feel so much better once you're away from all of this and you're doing the right thing. Once you're in a dark Plan B with NC you're healing will really start to begin. You deserve so much better, my friend.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Do you start dark Plan B with NC before the divorce is final? Or after? (We have a mediator)
NC seems impossible. We have a house, all his mail comes here, he still has stuff here, he wants to see our daughter (who is 16) so he will be showing up at her extracurricular functions like this Saturday she has an all-day athletic function...it just seems so difficult...
And I don't want to jeopardize an amicable settlement since he's being generous...and also I suppose I have a soft spot for him because I still love him... I am not hoping to reconcile by breaking up an affair (it's broken up, I really feel that because I saw the OW's pics on FB with her new BF), so what does it matter if I do things nicely?

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Originally Posted by Grace1000
Do you start dark Plan B with NC before the divorce is final? Or after? (We have a mediator)

It is best to start Plan B now, the sooner the better.


Quote
NC seems impossible. We have a house, all his mail comes here, he still has stuff here, he wants to see our daughter (who is 16) so he will be showing up at her extracurricular functions like this Saturday she has an all-day athletic function...it just seems so difficult...

Believe me, it is very possible. First off you need to find an intermediary who will agree to only pass on his messages to you that are pertinent and necessary. She needs to agree to act as a spam filter.

You would forward all his mail to his new location, pack his things up and put them in the garage for him. Change the locks. You would avoid anything he would attend.

If you change your focus and start looking for ways to avoid all contact, you will easily find them. We have women with BABIES and toddlers who successfully cut off contact.

You need to be strategic and plan this all out. You would send him a modified Plan B letter telling him not to contact you anymore. Before you do this, find an intermediary and plan this out, ie: separate all bank accounts, forward his mail, etc.

Read this: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Earlier I texted him to tell him I contacted the mediator to get the final touches on the divorce moving, and that I couldn't understand why he was willing to let the divorce proceed without fighting at all.

He admitted he's not over the OW. He said if she ends her relationship with her BF and contacts him, he doesn't know if he could resist. He says some days are better than others but he thinks that if he came home and she reached out, he would possibly cheat on me again. He then said if I can find peace in a divorce and move on that would be best for me, he just wants me to be mentally well because I am coming unhinged and he worries about me.

He also admits maybe he is not wired for relationships. He likes being alone right now.

Of course he likes his life right now. He rented a luxury apartment downtown while I am stuck in the aging martial home with all the responsibilities of parenting our daughter and emotional fallout of abandonment by my 25-year spouse.

I know this sounds so cut-and-dry that I should celebrate, not mourn, this divorce. But I am a mess.

Anyway...
Isn't it parental alienation to cry uncontrollably in front of your children because your H is a big selfish jerk and put all your husband's belongings in boxes in the garage?? That won't go unnoticed by a 16 year old. She will know things have broken down beyond healthy functioning. And she is very protective of me.

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Originally Posted by Grace1000
Earlier I texted him to tell him I contacted the mediator to get the final touches on the divorce moving, and that I couldn't understand why he was willing to let the divorce proceed without fighting at all.

He admitted he's not over the OW. He said if she ends her relationship with her BF and contacts him, he doesn't know if he could resist. He says some days are better than others but he thinks that if he came home and she reached out, he would possibly cheat on me again. He then said if I can find peace in a divorce and move on that would be best for me, he just wants me to be mentally well because I am coming unhinged and he worries about me.

He also admits maybe he is not wired for relationships. He likes being alone right now.

Of course he likes his life right now. He rented a luxury apartment downtown while I am stuck in the aging martial home with all the responsibilities of parenting our daughter and emotional fallout of abandonment by my 25-year spouse.

I know this sounds so cut-and-dry that I should celebrate, not mourn, this divorce. But I am a mess.

Anyway...
Isn't it parental alienation to cry uncontrollably in front of your children because your H is a big selfish jerk and put all your husband's belongings in boxes in the garage?? That won't go unnoticed by a 16 year old. She will know things have broken down beyond healthy functioning. And she is very protective of me.

Hi! I haven't chimed in before but all this I'm not wired for relationships.... its just gaslighting. HE even has the GALL to say, if divorce is YOUR idea and is what is best for YOU???????? Holy cow.
I have never heard such wayward nonsense.
It was his affair- his choices- his actions that lead to the end of your marriage. Yikes.

Parental alienation would be actively keeping him from knowing where your daughter is... forbidding her from talking to him. Taking away her phone and any avenue he has to see her.
Then telling her lies (the truth that he has had an affair, other child etc do not count) they mean like: your dad is on drugs.... when he isn't.

If it was just packing up his stuff and crying about the demise of your marriage -every divorced person on earth would be alienating them. Divorces are messy-people have to move. Everything separated etc. All the things you describe are normal divorce situations.

Please plan b now!


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Your daughter is 16. Nobody is going to worry about parental alienation. The whole PA thing seems to be a plot from the "fathers rights" movement to give controlling and abusive husbands the possibility to take the children away when their spouse dares to escape and tell the truth.
(No offense to honorable men who have no contact with their children because of their devlish ex-wives.)
Your child is of an age where she will be asked about her opninion in the matter, so by all means tell her the truth.

Please use this time where he is generous to put things in writing. And change the password of the amazon account of open a new one.


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And tell him, that you will not be dealing with his mail for him starting monday everything will be returned to sender and the same goes for his clothing.

Although you may want to wait telling him after you have his signature under a generous agreement.


me, DH
all the children
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