The Vets are great on this site, so I thank them for their time. I need to get big boy pants on and get some advice. Here's my story.

I've been on this site throughout the years but I never posted. I am BH 46 and WW is 43. I've been married 20 years with 2 kids, 17 & 13. My WW had an affair after we moved in 2006. I originally thought it was an emotional affair but found out recently that it was physical so never got truth in recovery. My WW had another affair a couple years later. I found this site, bought Dr. Harley's book, put some basics in place and killed the affair. I couldn't confirm that it was physical affair but it was definitely emotional. I would say that I didn't do everything perfect but we went in recovery doing it on my own.

A few years later I get an anonymous email saying that there was some suspicious activity at her work place. I identified the person and then He and another person got fired. 2 weeks later, WW got fired and lied to me (I found out the truth recently), so something was not right.

Fast forward to 10/2016. My 17yr old comes home to tell me that he was told from a friend that WW slept with an 18yr old student at his school. The boy told 2 friends which got back to my son. Son confirmed that the boy told the the other 2 kids. Boy later denied. WW was adamant it was false. This seems hard to believe with her, but with cheaters, anything is possible. I had no proof, and she was accounted for. Begs me to stay with her and not leave her. She agrees to additional transparency.

On 3/4, there was some time unaccounted for and suspicious explanation - picking up 13 yr old but took extra time. I couldn't get a hold of her. I asked why her phone was off. She says she just denied my call. I ask to see her phone because the call would be logged, WW refused and got really angry, says she's not doing it (which refusing to see phone is against our agreement), I got angry and said we were done. I told her I didn't trust her and that hurt her feelings. We start sleeping in separate rooms.

By Monday, I try to defuse the situation and offer to start sleeping in the same room and working through it. She then tells me that I am smothering her, and that she needs her space and wants a divorce because she needs her old self back and she's not happy, and she can't make me happy. WW says there is no other guy, and she needs time to find herself.

Next day, I surprised her when she had a secret phone. At first I thought it was my sons. I turned around and it was gone. I asked her if she had 2 phones and she says no, only the one.

Later, she says can't find herself with me in the same house. WW counsels with a lawyer which told her to remove all the accountability measures. I went into Plan A.

Friday (Day after tracking went off), she acted like she went to work but didn't. I texted her and said I would drop by lunch and a gift at work. She calls me and said that she went into work and was crying and they told her to take a personal day (This is a lie, she actually called into work), so she tells me she went to a nearby city to the mall instead of going home (She told me this after my text). I said great, let me come have lunch with you, she refused. I was upset but kept my cool, I later called her and said I wanted to talk to her. That night, I tell her enough is enough and agree to start discussing divorce. Talks do not go well, especially about kids. I start Plan A to help calm the situation. She goes back and forth between wanting a divorce and not knowing what she wants. Unfortunately, I am not keeping my cool and go back and forth as well. Tonight, I hear her talking on the phone. The call is not on her phone, so I have another confirmation that she has a secret phone.

I feel stupid. Serial Cheater but I still love her. This is her first threat of divorce. I would love to save my marriage, but I'm not sure if anything will change. Should I just give up and not bother, or get the intel on who's the other man.

Looking for some advice on next steps. Let me know if you need more details.

Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Have you ever exposed any of her affairs? Do your children know?

What spyware do you have in place? Do you have a VAR in her vehicle? A GPS on her vehicle?

Have you been tested for STDs?

what do your kids think of their mother sleeping with a student is she a teacher?

Hello Deepsorrow, the massive, 50 ton elephant in the room is the fact that you don't know any details. Her affairs have been going on for YEARS because she has been allowed to live a secret second life. You have been given clue after clue after clue but haven't ever acted on it.

I would stop accusing and asking and hire a PI. Get some super snooping in place and find out what she is doing now.

Once you do that, you can address the current affair and we will help you get the facts about the past affairs.

You seem to have a misperception about Plan A. It isn't something that you do every once in a while in response to different situations. It is used continuously. Once you start Plan A, it governs your behavior until you either recover or move on to Plan B.

Thanks for the responses.

I did an okay at exposure on the second affair. Pastor, friends, family, confronted affair partner to run him off. I did not tell the kids which I should have done according to Dr. Harley. Exposure killed the affairs, but she keeps going back for more so I screwed up on the EPs.

My oldest son knows everything. My youngest does not.

As far as spy equipment, I put a VAR in the bedroom today. It should catch intel as she talks on the secret phone at night. I am considering buying one for the car and setup a GPS. My plan is to get some more information so that I can then give it to a PI - Time, dates, places. I have not been tested for STDs. My son was very angry about the student. WW is a Para at another school in a nearby town.

MelodyLane - You are right, I have been accusing and that is causing more problems. I have to stop because she'll lie anyway and goes into Fog babble. I've got the VAR in place for spy mode.

MrEureka - I'm in Plan A right now. What you are seeing is that I was waffling and love busting. I'm back on track and intend to stay there.

My family and some of my close friends think enough if enough!

Another fact I left out is that she took half the funds from our bank account and didn't tell me. I found out yesterday and she said that her parents advised to protect herself. I've looked for a good lawyer to get some advice but can't get into see him until next week. I'm not sure how to handle this.

Let me know if my plan is right. Thanks!

I've invited her to watch TV tonight, kind of a date night at home. She will still kiss me and hug me only when we leave for work and go to our separate beds. No other affection and definitely wants to be alone at night to carry on her affair.

I would place 1000% effort on getting the intel and exposing her affair. There is very little hope here because she is a serial cheater. I wager she has had many, many affairs. She does not fall into affairs, she is out actively looking for action, wouldn't you agree? Most affairs are not purposeful like this so you are in a difficult situation that is likely going to end in divorce.


This is a distraction.

I bet your kids and many other people know all about her affairs. Have you asked around? What does your older son know about her past?

I would have to agree. The only way you will make it is if she makes such radical changes in her lifestyle that it would be impossible to cheat. For example, you would need to find a way to be together 24/7 and even then she might be likely to cheat.

Melody - Making sure I understand, don't worry much about spending time with her? Just put 1000% effort into intel ASAP? I'll get another VAR. I agree she is the one looking for action. I didn't always believe that, but you nailed it.

I just shared my situation with a friend I go to church with. He said that his wife was regularly having lunch with my WW, and my WW said something that she was doing. My friends wife told her she was sinning and that she would not go to lunch anymore. My friends wife called me stupid.

WW mother slipped up and told me about another man that she'd heard about. Yes, I think there are a lot, and she is a serial cheater.

I discussed the affairs with my older son after the school rumor. My son shared with me that when he was 6 or 7, he walked out into the living room and a man and WW on the couch and saw oral. Just found that out recently. Also she then fessed that affair was physical 2 other times which I think is a lie. My son also told me that she previously had a secret phone when he was younger. He said he found it on 2 occasions and remembered it was a grey flip phone. Of course, WW lied about it.

The 24/7 will not work and that is what is causing this latest blow-up. The accountability is smothering her causing problems with her affairs. She doesn't want to change.

Melody
I have problems accusing as you pointed out. I needed facts. Messed up, but that is too late now. She uses the accusing as a reason to get rid of EPs. My bad there.

You realize though, that 'accusing' is not going to get you facts. You are dealing with a serial cheater who has probably spent your entire marriage living a SSL and gaslighting you about it. She is a gifted liar and manipulator, more so than the average cheater actually. Accusing her or asking her is only going to get you gaslighting and fogbabble, not facts.

As ML advised, put 100% of your effort into getting the intel about her current affair. Even if this heads to divorce, you should find out the details so you can expose.

If it were me I would also spend some time sleuthing through things to find out about past affairs (computer history, texting history, etc.). In your case, I don't think you will ever know all the details of the past, but it is possible you could use any information you find to further expose if you want to.

Ultimately, this is headed for divorce. You said yourself that she has no willingness to live a life of accountability and will not give up her SSL or affairs. Because of that this will happen again, and again, and again. Unless you are willing to live like this forever (nobody deserves this death of a thousand cuts) I would also start preparing for divorce.

So I will use exposure for Divorce? What's the rationale of Divorce exposure?

Exposure is beneficial whether you recover the marriage, or divorce and have personal recovery.

If the OM's have unsuspecting wives and families, they should know about your WW so they can protect themselves (and because telling them the truth is the right thing to do).

Telling your family and friends will give you support.

Finding out the facts (not just the heresay you have had about some of these affairs) may help you in terms of custody and divorce.

But the number one reason I am going to tell you to get the facts, is so that you can do a proper exposure to your children. Her behavior in front of and her complete disregard for your children is alarming. Her young son caught her having oral sex with her OM. There is no telling what your other children have heard or witnessed. The fact that her young son caught her, and then she later had sex with a student who told other students that were friends of your son who then told your son, SOBERING experiences for most cheaters even those in the fog, tells me she has absolutely no care in the world what your children are exposed to.

Your children have been brought up with a serial cheating mom, who not only takes risks, but seems to be careless at hiding the evidence of her affairs. They need to know the truth. They need you to explain to them that this behavior is wrong. They need to know that the secrets they have painstakingly been keeping from you are not their burden to carry. They need to learn the truth about their lives, which have been damaged by affairs for years. And they need you to be their moral compass.

Well said unwritten.

You may want to let on that you should cooperate and be friends for the kids sake. Stop asking her to show her phone and tell her you are sorry she feels smothered. You want her to lower her guard without lying to her.

so your son saw all of that well she's been cheating for years
she has no respect for you bro.
good luck.

No, that is not your bad, it is hers. It only means she is using your accusation as an excuse to do what she was going to do anyway.

i am sorry to say this, but your best option is to begin divorce proceedings. This is a hopeless case. I would get legal protection immediately, while you continue to snoop to find out the WHO. Not that really means anything at this point. I am sure there have been many. Like I said earlier, I am sure many, many people know about this.

You should also get checked for STDs right away. So sorry.

You would expose the affairs so everyone knows why your marriage is ending. Everything should be out in the open, including the names of these OM.

I would take out both of your boys and have a private heart to heart about this. There is much more, I am sure. They are very confused because they have been taught that wrong is right and that impression has been validated by you by not saying or doing anything. I would just do this now. It is ok to keep spying, but you don't need any more information to move forward. I am sure the whole community knows everything.

I understand what you all are saying. Tonight was not a good night. WW gets mad because I've talked to a couple of close friends about the affairs. She is extremely mad although that was several days ago that she found out. She unloaded on me tonight, saying that is totally uncalled for. I think this is starting to mess up the dream of replacing me with the OM because of what people might think. She is on the phone with him now, so I hope to have some intel tomorrow. It will likely be hard to get a name with one side of the conversation. She is extremely irrational, yelling at the kids, yelling at me, and blaming everyone but herself.

I have a lawyer meeting next Thursday, but I feel I need to get in earlier. My 13 yr old broke down tonight. I am going to talk to my boys, but want to do it one time after I find out who this OM is. I'm so mad because this OM is messing up my family and WW doesn't understand what she's doing. She does not accept anything positive and focuses on the negative.

I know this marriage may be over, but I need help to stay in it until I can protect from any further damage.

I need help with what to do and how to act. Thanks!

I would get in with your attorney right away if you can. I would go ahead and sit the 13 down and have talk with him. I am sure he knows quite a bit already. When you find the ID of the OM you can tell him. He is probably very confused and may even believe you endorse her adultery.

My father was also a serial cheater and was introducing me to his girlfriends as early as age 4. Since my mother never said anything was wrong with this, I just assumed what seemed very wrong to me was not wrong. I learned very early not to trust my instincts about right and wrong. I grew up very morally confused.

Can you hire a PI?

What does your friend's Wife know? Could she know the latest OM?
What was it that your WW told your friend's wife?

Can you hire a PI?

I am SO disappointed... The VAR didn't work last night and I did not get any intel. I must have flipped it off when I hid it.

I first talked to my 17 yr old son. The tension started last night because he did not turn in homework. My WW was very angry and that led into the fight last night. I asked 17 to do everything he can to keep peace in the house - do his homework, etc. Him and I also talked about the affair with student. I told him that I was wrong for allowing it, and everything else that went on in the past. My 17 said that he felt I let her off the hook and it was wrong to do that so he was pretty perceptive.

I also talked to 13yr old. He overheard the conversation/fight with WW and got his info about Affair from that. I talked to him that this was inappropriate and has been going on a long time and that I should have done something about it. I think it helped him. He didn't seem to have anything more examples of how he was exposed to her infidelity.

WW calls me this morning steaming mad again. She suspects I am talking to the kids because 17yr old ignored her this morning and I was talking with 13yr old. She then lays into me about telling other people, again & again. I just say that she needs to get over it and move on. She keeps repeating herself trying to beat me up. I keep saying that she needs to get over it. I feel I made a mistake by telling her about my friends. She is stuck on it and is angry as a hornet.

I will look into PI today. I am anticipating the closest PI will be pretty far away.

I am upset and I keep trying to make up with her to resolve the conflict and it is not working so I need a different approach.

I asked my friend but he said she didn't know the details. I don't think it's the same OM.

I think one of the reasons this has been allowed to go on for so long is you get upset when she is upset and do anything to create peace. Conflict avoidance causes more conflict. Would you agree? I would stop trying to do this and instead, stop getting into fights with her. Of course she will be upset about exposures. There is nothing wrong with that. Just say "sorry you are upset," but the kids need to be fully informed of the situation.

Tell her you have spoken to the kids and [whomever else] to get their perspectives. They all know she has had affairs and you aim to ensure that everyone knows. You need to be LOUD AND PROUD about this.

Have you spoken to the parents of the teenage boy she had the affair with?

The boy lives with his grandmother. I'm not sure of the story, but I think his parents were unfit due to drug abuse and the grandmother stepped in at a early age. I don't see that he has any relationship with his parents and don't know anything about them.

And... there's is more to his story. January, a story hit the TV news that a teacher in our district had an affair with at least 2 students. This teacher had a history in other districts and she was allow to continue. The student was married to HS principle so it was big news. Well, one of the students was the same one that said he slept with WW. Affair with WW happened the end of October.

I had heard the grandma may have been one of the people that turned this story into the school/police. I'm not sure the details. I don't really know her and I'm not sure of her name.

I want to do this by text if I can.

"I'm not going to fight anymore about who I talk to. I am trying to get their perspective. Our friends and family already know you've had affairs"

I don't necessarily want to threaten her about telling everyone. I want to do it and then deal with fallout. She will just do everything in her power to keep me from telling people. Thoughts?

TELL EVERYONE.
your wife has no morals.

OK folks. VAR has confirmed that there is another man as expected. More details coming as I found out more.

Do I tell the kids?

Yes. Have you read the exposure thread?

Have you read this? Exposing to Children

yes. And I would also expose to the OM's family and friends FIRST.

Well, I don't have the name of the OM but I am considering telling the kids that she is in an affair.

How is she talking to him? Can you get spyware on her devices?

Are you still hiring a PI?

I confirmed the affair with a VAR in the bedroom. She is using a secret phone. I'm not sure if I will find out who it is or whether it matters with this marriage headed for divorce. I am ready to expose but I won't be able to expose OM.

I have talked to a PI, but I need more info so that I can catch her.

Don't EXPOSE until you have the name and have verified who it is. You have nothing to expose yet.

such as? Why can't he follow her?

He can, but she's extremely careful right now, not doing anything outside of normal schedules to tip me off, and I am wanting to get information on a rendezvous so that I have a better chance.

Try when she might take a break at work, like lunch time.

Here's my suggested plan -

1. Get a VAR and a phone with GPS in her car.

2. I have a friend that I was considering visiting on Saturday and I had mentioned it to her several days ago. After I let her know, she will schedule something and I in another car or PI can follow her. I think she will schedule something with OM.

3. I will try to keep everything on the down low until I find who the OM is and get into see a lawyer. File paperwork to divorce, wait for her to be served, and then EXPOSE. The surprise of the Divorce and Exposure will send her in a spiral and I may be able to negotiate a settlement with her.

Wife already took half the joint bank account to a personal account. I moved the other half this morning. Wife found out and was MAD! Funny how it is okay for her.

hope everything goes well for you dude!

Thanks Hylton7!! I hope. She's already planning to marry this dude. She's wanting to get the house sold and then split. I'm trying not to fight and still playing along that I do not know anything. It's really hard. I'm pretty sad.

I'll take any encouragement by posters!!

Are you documenting everything?

Get that VAR and GPS in her car ASAP.

What was her reason that she took half the money?

I found out from the VAR in the bedroom that she is leaving on Saturday.

What do I do?

Did you hire the PI yet?

Secure all important documents and valuables now.

please keep us updated

I have contacted a PI but have not found a good time for him to come. I don't live close to the city, so it's going to set me back a lot of $$ to just get him here. I will do it. She has been staying pretty clear of suspicion to not throw me off.

My next spy technique - I bought the biggest external battery as possible and using a phone for GPS. I was very scared that she would hide her car keys so I slipped it in tonight. Unfortunately, I didn't get the battery fully charged. Didn't get the VAR in there. Time is running out for intel without a PI.

What do I document? I guess I could videotape all the household items.

I think she is also leaving so she doesn't have to pay half the bills. Seems like her lawyer told her something about it.

I want to expose but I know I need the name. I'm hoping GPS will lead me to OM.

My 17 yr old knows that I'm trying to find out OM name. She is getting ready to take the kids with her. He is staying quiet. If he doesn't go with her, she will have a problem. She's being really nice to the kids right now.

I'm trying to think of valuables that she might take. We are trying to sell our house so I don't think she'll take furniture for now. Tomorrow I can empty the gun safe and take them somewhere I guess. I did secure some money, which I think made her speed up the timetable.

I'll start looking at exposure. Is it different for divorce?

Brainhurts - she said that she took half to protect herself. Said her parents advised her to. I have heard of men taking all money and have read this is a protection for spouses. WW is planning getting extra jobs.

What does people do with credit cards in these situations???

Do I need to shut them down? Help!!!!

Thinking ahead about exposure...

WW works as a paraprofessional at a middle school. She is assigned to a special needs kid who is autistic. This is her second year with him so she is attached. The boys parents are pretty well known in our town, and I happen to know the boys father pretty well. He had been a victim to adultery with his first wife and it was a bad situation. I also work with him. He built a family with a new wife and seems happy. Both the mother and father love my wife and her work with their son.

When exposure comes, I think it would be in the best interest that they know. I'm not sure they would want their child with a lying, cheating, adulterer. Anyway, I would think they would call the school and have her removed from her assignment. This will make her so mad at me, she may never talk to me again.

I guess I will not have to deal with her wrath as much after she leaves. Please keep the comments coming. It motivates me to tell more of the story.

My 13yr old won't know what to do, and will likely go with his mom because he will think it's the right thing to do. I'm sad because he has been REALLY trying to play cards or games to have fun and break the tension in the house. He is such a great kid with a good heart. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how bad his mom is. She has been a good mother taking care of him, but a bad wife and mother supporting our family. This sucks!!

The leaving may occur Friday. On the VAR, she is just saying a couple days to get through the school week. I could see her come home early and try to get kids to leave with her. My kids only go a half day on Friday. She works until 3:15 and I work until 5:00. Anything I should do to prepare?

I know God will lead me to happiness after all of this is over. I should have dealt with this a long time ago. I've been completely loyal in all my years with her.

I guess I will set up a doctor appointment for STD testing.

I found a really good article for a pre-divorce checklist.

I hid important documents for now in my house. I will get them out of the house and take to my office at work.

The realtor is coming tomorrow. After she's done, I will move guns and ammo to truck and get them to a friend.

I've already got a separate bank account. I'm thinking about calling credit card company tomorrow to see if I can limit exposure.

I will probably have to pay all bills. I expect her to move her paycheck to he own account. I don't know if it is smart to shut off her phone. I'll look at what bills to eliminate and get it down to a minimum.

I don't have many heirlooms around the house.

Hello Deep,

I am by far no expert, and am going through raw trauma same as many others here, so if a veteran member has better advice, please listen to them instead.

(All of the below is based only on my personal experience)

I do however have intimate knowledge of just how vicious and out of control a WW can get. If it were me, I would bring the children to someone else's house before she leaves. In my case the children were with me for a full year, but once she stole them, when I was not there, I was first lied to about their return, then finally had to hire a lawyer and file an emergency petition to see them again. 5 months from the time she took them to the time I saw them again. They came back poisoned against me.
I of course have no idea if you might fear any of this, but I would call in sick, take half a day, tell them the truth. It doesn't matter.
Pick the kids up from school early, or call them in sick, and tell them it's a trip to grandma's or where ever.

I would also report the cards missing. In my case, she secretly stole 1000's during her affair, and 1000's more after.

Hide valuables... including jewelry. Especially yours. (you can guess why I say this)

Change the locks on the house doors.
(I came home one day to find most of the furniture gone. On another it was brand new computers)

Change the lock on your mailbox, or get a post office box.

It was too late for me on any of these things, because I could not comprehend or believe these things would happen. Be safe.

I would not let her take the kids. You should not go along with that. You are the only sane person in this scenario and need to protect them.

Refresh my memory, have you told the younger one she is having an affair? If not, I would tell him now so he can protect himself. Tell him that he is not to leave with her.

Here DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

And carry a VAR on yourself whenever you're in contact with her to protect yourself from a false DV charge.

Do you have a lawyer yet? If not, I would definitely go get some counsel from one immediately. Even in a free consultation you should be able to get some legal advice on how to protect yourself.

It seems to me you think she is entitled to do this however she wants to, she is not. Pick the kids up from school early, be there so that she cannot just remove them without your involvement.

This is not just about divorce, it is about your fogged out wayward going to probably shack up with some guy you don't even know. Don't let your kids get sucked into that situation. Not only should they not be forced to leave their own home, but who knows what kind of guy this is or what he could do to your kids. It does not seem like she is very picky about her affair partner choices

Yes the family of her charge should be exposed to, considering she has had sex with one of her troubled students in the past. She is not safe to be a paraprofessional working with kids.

I told younger son that she had affairs. At the time I didn't have proof of the current affair. Older son knows what is going on fully. I've told him everything but I asked him to keep it on the down-low until we find out who.

So talk to my son?? I think I have one more night to get things in order.

She's definitely talking to them about leaving. I think she has younger son convinced. What do I say?

I want to expose but I do not have a name. I did get VAR in her Car with a hidden phone to give GPS. VAR in bedroom just gives sickening stuff. I feel like she is in control.

i would call your lawyer right now and prevent her from taking your kids. In the meantime, speak to your sons and tell them your wife is having an affair and is planning on leaving you for the OM. Let them know that you are taking steps to prevent that, they do not have to go with her.

You may need to file asap so she cant take the kids. See an attorney today. Do not wait. Also inform the school.

Don't expose [other than what I told you about your sons] until you have a name.

What did you hear on the VAR?

Other people can weigh in on this, but in your case, I would consider exposing now even though you don't have a name.

That is not something I would usually recommend, but given the fact that she is a serial cheater who has had numerous affairs for years (many more than you will ever know about I imagine), and has already exposed your kids to years of adultery, and is about to leave and attempt to take them with her and expose them to her new OM, I think blowing this up NOW and filing for divorce to protect yourself and your kids is the best option.

If you have hard evidence that she is in an affair (which you do) that she cannot deny, that is 'evidence that would convince a jury.' Of course it would be best to know her most recent conquest, but at this point, the safety of your children and protecting yourself is more important IMO.

You will possibly hear who it is after doing a thorough exposure, as ML has suggested it is likely that many people in town know about her escapades.

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread? Do you have the template letter ready to go? Do you have an exposure list ready to go? Post your exposure letter here first so we can help you with the wording. I am guessing it will be slightly different from the template since you are not looking to recover your marriage.

NOTE: MelodyLane and I cross posted. ML is an expert at exposure and will not steer your wrong!

You may be able to file an emergency order to prevent her from removing the children from the home. The laws in each state vary. Have you called at least 3 attorneys yet? If you dont know who to call, look for a local magazine for a Best of List. ( Example: Dallas has D Magazine. Most medium size towns have these local mags too. If rural, there is usual a regional magazine.)

I'm going to have to find a different lawyer. The lawyer I want is out until Thursday.

Talked to a lawyer. With the age of my kids, the lawyer said they can stay with whatever parent they want.

To her mother - they talk primarily about me and that I am manipulating things. They talked about conversations with her lawyer and that if she moves out, I would end up paying for all the bills for our current residence and she would not have to contribute. WW running the numbers on child support and different options.

To her Lover - They have talked about getting married and where. How they long to be together. Seems like they continue to need affirmation from both sides that they won't back out on getting together once she leaves. Also, all kinds of lovie dovie talk. How they make each other feel. "Feel's Right". Seems like he drinks every night (as does she). They are talking a lot about the kids and what they will do when she leaves. She's worried they won't go with her. She seems to think younger one will now after she talked to him. I plan to get on that right away. We will be at an Honor's society induction tonight for him, so I'm thinking I have one more night before she's gone. Also, she talks about me and how much a jerk I am (normal fog babble)


I have called the Credit Card companies and lowered are limits. They must have texted her because she knew and call me all disgusted. I wanted that undetected. I used the excuse that she will not reconcile so I am getting worried. Probably messed up that one.

I got one hint that OM might have a significant other.

WW says "Has she finally quit texting you". WW says "you need to be happy".

Lawyer did recommend to try and negotiate a divorce settlement while WW is not thinking straight.

You only messed up by not lowering the amounts to ZERO or cancelling them. You don't need any excuses. NONE. you are not the one doing something wrogn.

Good job on your plan to speak to the younger boy. I would speak to them both and them all about her plan to run off with this RAT.

yep!! That is exactly right.

let the kids hear the var and tell them about her plans.

For Pete's sake, the kids don't need to hear the VAR. But they do need to know what their mom is doing and they to hear from you a clear statement that it is wrong. Because another person is involved, they will want to stay with you. Be sure to tell them that this POSOM will be in the picture and you will not abide that. Be clear that they should not even entertain the idea of subjecting themselves to this homewrecker.

but what if the youngest son believes the mother and goes with her?
keep in mind that she's planing to screw him over.
the two son's need proof.

A 13 year old does not need to hear his mother talking about sex with her OM. These kids have seen and heard too much already. They need their father to draw clear boundaries.

yes your right i'm sorry.

(Again, just from my experience)

I am not sure what state you reside in, but my two youngest children are the same ages. (middle child just turned 17) I had this same concern and was told it was the opposite. Both are considered minors until 18 years old. Personally, I would ask the opinion of a second lawyer... if not a third. All will talk with you for free the first time.
I also suggest again, if you allow them to go, then file an emergency petition first thing. Also do what you can to establish their address. I can only guess if she takes them, it is not because she wants them to see or be with you. And think about the likelihood she is going to promote them coming back.

Update: Kind of good news, took lawyers advice on negotiating divorce. Seemed to work. We made progress and child custody terms were acceptable. Need to get paperwork going ASAP.

I think this may have defused her leaving with kids. I don't think she's confident kids will leave with her. I did talk with 13 yr old. He did everything he could do not to cry. He's a good kid. Older son is a little more bitter at WW. I think she is worried that leaving will cause me not to cooperate and she wants an uncontested settlement.

I feel a little better, but I think I will still struggle living with her. At least she was not as nasty towards me. Much more palatable living here after talking divorce.

She seems sad at marriage ending. She was dragging her feet at filing or talking Divorce for quite awhile. I still feel like a backup plan. I need rid of her. I still love her so it's confusing to my heart and mind.

VAR seems to indicate that they are not talking about things in common like work or people in a circle. Also, no suspicious behavior on GPS. Makes me think this guy lives somewhere that is not convenient. This weekend may provide more intel.

Melody - here's an idea I want to run by you.

My father-in-law is divorced from MIL many years ago. On the previous WW affairs, I did expose the affair to him prior to mass exposure. I found him to be very trustworthy and he helped me from the inside providing intel and influencing family.

My full focus is running off Mr. RAT. FIL would have the same goal. He would also believe what I say when I tell him she's in an affair and I need to find out who it is to run him off and protect my kids. He will not want Mr. RAT in the family.

MIL is NOT trustworthy and is a problem. FIL usually helps contain MIL.

What's your thoughts on getting FIL's help, or is it too risky because he's an insider (blood thicker than water)? FIL is already helping WW get a new place, provide support. I know this is not exposure protocol, but could help me find out who Mr. RAT is.

Parents have no clue. They are just going on Fog babble.

Good idea!

Last night VAR recording was a bunch of phone sex. It does seem like he has a significant other. Not much indication as to place they meet or common friends. They are focused on fantasizing. This sucks because I want to quit snooping and focus on the future, but I'm committed to finding out who the OM is.

I do have a VAR in the car again. Hopefully, they meet up this weekend.

My suspicion is a PE teacher at the middle school she works at which is making it harder to detect. I'm sure she goes and sees him on breaks. His Facebook says he's engaged but it hasn't been updated for a long time. WW was teasing about him taking the significant to dinner and casino. But she wasn't going to get jealous. I don't know many people at this school, but I'm sure that if this is true, others would be suspicious.

I may be wrong, but we'll see.

I am thinking about telling her I'm going somewhere this weekend and see what she does. Any thoughts on this tactic?

Also, I would assume I keep the affair on the down-low and not expose until I have the divorce paperwork signed (unless she contests the divorce settlement)?

First, to expose you need evidence.
But when you have evidence that would convince a jury, then I have heard Dr Harley say that if you want to divorce and not recover to wait until it's signed to expose. Then ask for support in exposure to help you heal by yourself.

ok. Thanks buildsherhouse. I asked to meet with WW to discuss Divorce and got some lame excuse why she couldn't. It may be that she just doesn't want to talk, but I am going on a stakeout to see if I can get evidence.