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RDM2000 Offline OP
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Me: 38
Wife: 33
Together: 16 Years
Married: 12 Years
12 Year old Son

We have been separated for about 4 months...

Ok, my first post so please take it easy on me. I apologize for the length in advance. So here is my story� my wife and I started dating when she was 17 and I was 23. It didn�t start well, more as fling more than anything else. She was totally enamored with me at the time. As we were dating for about 2 years she got pregnant at 19. I was very adamant about her having an abortion but luckily and through the grace of God she didn�t and we now have an amazing 12 year old boy who is the center of our universe. Needless to say she has a lot of resentment (and rightfully so) for my behavior during her pregnancy.

We didn�t get married until our son was 5 years old and we did it at the justice of the peace (no real wedding). Again a lot of resentment. Somewhere along the line her being enamored with me turned and now she has the opposite feelings. A few years ago I had a vasectomy. Shortly after, she regretted it and said she wanted to have another baby. We have now been together for 16 years. She is 33 and I am 38. During the 16 years we have had ups and downs. Money has never been a real issue allowing us to go on great family vacations, nice house with pool, nice vehicles, etc.

Now to the big issue at hand: I caught her making out with her best friend (female) at our NYE party. We had several couples over and a couple of singles. To date, she despised that type of behavior and never had partaken in it. Well, our son was at this party (lots of drinking mind you), so I swooped her and her girlfriend into the bedroom and onto the bed. I went to use the restroom and when I come back they are having full blown lesbian sex. I was in complete shock (drunk mind you) and thought it would be a good time to join in. I joined in for a short amount of time at which point my wife got sick and went to the restroom to throw up. Her friend followed her in there and was consoling her as she was throwing up. Shortly thereafter, her friend came back to the bed and her and I had sex (while my wife was throwing up). I am not proud of this and live with regret each day/hour.
My wife claimed she blacked out and didn�t willingly participate in anything and that I was to blame for everything including �not protecting her�, and having sex with her friend. The next night I started sleeping on the couch and did so for about four days while my wife was continuing to sleep in the bedroom.

One night about 5:30am, my cell phone rang and it was my wife saying to unlock the door. I was in a fog from being woke up like that and went and unlocked the door. She came in from the outside dressed as she was going out for the night and casually walked to the bedroom. I ask her what was going on and where she had been and she said �you have lost the privilege to know this anymore�. A couple night later she woke at about 12;30am and advised she was leaving. As it turns out she had been going over to the across the street neighbor�s house (single male) and spending �time� with him. So at this point I moved in with my parents� house. I moved out at that point and we have been separated every since.


Ok, here is where it gets interesting. She had been very upfront and honest telling me that she is dating that man, and that she developed feelings for him within 2-3 weeks. He treats her so well, better than she has ever been treated (he is 10 years older than her) and why would she come back to me where there has been a void there for a long time. For about the first 2-3 months I was doing all of the opposite of what I should have been doing, I.e.- begging, crying, etc.. up until about a month ago. She is still in this relationship with the other man, and by all accounts (limited info), seems to be going well.

HOWEVER: In the past few weeks since I have changed my behavior from begging, crying, etc.. I now go to gym, counseling, lost a lot of weight, look nice, very nice and kind to her, don't initiate conversations with her, etc.. she has really become much nicer and pleasant. She initiates conversation, she wanted to take a family vacation this summer, etc... all the while she is dating the other man. She obviously is confused and having her cake and eating it too.

I filed for divorce (I don't want a divorce) a couple of months back. She NEVER talks about the divorce and anytime I bring it up she somehow changes the subject. She doesn't want to sell the house for our son's sake but in no way could the house be kept if we divorce.

So my questions:
1. Why is she being so nice now?
2. Why isn't she talking about the divorce?
3. Any chance she wants to work on marriage?
4. Will this new man she has fizzle? If so, how long?
5. What else should I be doing to make my marriage work again and win my wife back?

I am open to ideas and suggestions...

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Originally Posted by RDM2000
Me: 38
Wife: 33
Together: 16 Years
Married: 12 Years
12 Year old Son

We have been separated for about 4 months...

Ok, my first post so please take it easy on me. I apologize for the length in advance. So here is my story� my wife and I started dating when she was 17 and I was 23. It didn�t start well, more as fling more than anything else. She was totally enamored with me at the time. As we were dating for about 2 years she got pregnant at 19. I was very adamant about her having an abortion but luckily and through the grace of God she didn�t and we now have an amazing 12 year old boy who is the center of our universe. Needless to say she has a lot of resentment (and rightfully so) for my behavior during her pregnancy.

We didn�t get married until our son was 5 years old and we did it at the justice of the peace (no real wedding). Again a lot of resentment. Somewhere along the line her being enamored with me turned and now she has the opposite feelings. A few years ago I had a vasectomy. Shortly after, she regretted it and said she wanted to have another baby. We have now been together for 16 years. She is 33 and I am 38. During the 16 years we have had ups and downs. Money has never been a real issue allowing us to go on great family vacations, nice house with pool, nice vehicles, etc.

Now to the big issue at hand: I caught her making out with her best friend (female) at our NYE party. We had several couples over and a couple of singles. To date, she despised that type of behavior and never had partaken in it. Well, our son was at this party (lots of drinking mind you), so I swooped her and her girlfriend into the bedroom and onto the bed. I went to use the restroom and when I come back they are having full blown lesbian sex. I was in complete shock (drunk mind you) and thought it would be a good time to join in. I joined in for a short amount of time at which point my wife got sick and went to the restroom to throw up. Her friend followed her in there and was consoling her as she was throwing up. Shortly thereafter, her friend came back to the bed and her and I had sex (while my wife was throwing up). I am not proud of this and live with regret each day/hour.
My wife claimed she blacked out and didn�t willingly participate in anything and that I was to blame for everything including �not protecting her�, and having sex with her friend. The next night I started sleeping on the couch and did so for about four days while my wife was continuing to sleep in the bedroom.

One night about 5:30am, my cell phone rang and it was my wife saying to unlock the door. I was in a fog from being woke up like that and went and unlocked the door. She came in from the outside dressed as she was going out for the night and casually walked to the bedroom. I ask her what was going on and where she had been and she said �you have lost the privilege to know this anymore�. A couple night later she woke at about 12;30am and advised she was leaving. As it turns out she had been going over to the across the street neighbor�s house (single male) and spending �time� with him. So at this point I moved in with my parents� house. I moved out at that point and we have been separated every since.


Ok, here is where it gets interesting. She had been very upfront and honest telling me that she is dating that man, and that she developed feelings for him within 2-3 weeks. He treats her so well, better than she has ever been treated (he is 10 years older than her) and why would she come back to me where there has been a void there for a long time. For about the first 2-3 months I was doing all of the opposite of what I should have been doing, I.e.- begging, crying, etc.. up until about a month ago. She is still in this relationship with the other man, and by all accounts (limited info), seems to be going well.

HOWEVER: In the past few weeks since I have changed my behavior from begging, crying, etc.. I now go to gym, counseling, lost a lot of weight, look nice, very nice and kind to her, don't initiate conversations with her, etc.. she has really become much nicer and pleasant. She initiates conversation, she wanted to take a family vacation this summer, etc... all the while she is dating the other man. She obviously is confused and having her cake and eating it too.

I filed for divorce (I don't want a divorce) a couple of months back. She NEVER talks about the divorce and anytime I bring it up she somehow changes the subject. She doesn't want to sell the house for our son's sake but in no way could the house be kept if we divorce.

So my questions:
1. Why is she being so nice now?
2. Why isn't she talking about the divorce?
3. Any chance she wants to work on marriage?
4. Will this new man she has fizzle? If so, how long?
5. What else should I be doing to make my marriage work again and win my wife back?

I am open to ideas and suggestions...
Welcome to MB.

Have you read this? Start Here First-SAA


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you exposed her affair to anyone? Do you have Dr. Harley's Surving an Affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I don't know the answer to your questions because we can't know her mind, however, your wife's philosophy of marriage [and yours] is a huge obstacle to marriage. She doesn't view marriage as an exclusive relationship and as long as that is the case, you don't have any hope. It doesn't seem like you have much regard for marriage either given your complacence about the lesbian affair and the subsequent sexual behavior.

Are you all alcoholics?

Quote
I caught her making out with her best friend (female) at our NYE party. We had several couples over and a couple of singles. To date, she despised that type of behavior and never had partaken in it. Well, our son was at this party (lots of drinking mind you), so I swooped her and her girlfriend into the bedroom and onto the bed. I went to use the restroom and when I come back they are having full blown lesbian sex.

Swooping her into the bedroom is very different from stopping the infidelity. I am curious about why you didn't put a stop to this?



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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RDM2000 Offline OP
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Brainhurts: Thanks for resources, I will look into them immediately. The affair has been exposed organically and everyone now knows about it.

MelodyLane: Agree that we BOTH needed to work on marriage in a big way and frankly it was just a matter of time before something big like this was to happen. She has told me that it was NOT this isolated incident that make her snap, that she had been unhappy for a while and this was just the catalysis that drove her over the edge. It was not a lesbian affair, it was a 10 min. isolated incident that happened under heavy alcohol influence. No, neither of us are alcoholics and actually rarely drink. I din't put a stop to the event because I was drunk, selfish, horny and wanted to have a threesome with my wife and her girlfriend. Worst regret of my life.

I am obviously trying to follow Plan B now and wanted to see if anyone has any tips for me getting her back. She now calls/text me frequently with things that are not needed just maybe to chit chat. Again, why would she totally ignore divorce proceedings, etc... Is she in denial? Does she maybe want to work on marriage but is in love over there with the other man?






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What does
Originally Posted by RDM200
The affair has been exposed organically and everyone now knows about it.
mean? Who all knows about it? Did you tell your DS12? Who on OM's side knows?

Did you move out? She lives at the house across from OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by RDM2000
I am obviously trying to follow Plan B now and wanted to see if anyone has any tips for me getting her back. She now calls/text me frequently with things that are not needed just maybe to chit chat. Again, why would she totally ignore divorce proceedings, etc... Is she in denial? Does she maybe want to work on marriage but is in love over there with the other man?

She is distracted by her affair, which is great for you. While she is distracted and fogged out by her affair, you are better off pursuing the divorce because she will be more likely to give you what you want at this time. That will allow you to legally protect yourself at this time in case things don't work out. If things do work out, you can get remarried. But you shouldn't drag this process out because she can damage you financially if you do. That kind of damage can last for years.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by RDM2000
Again, why would she totally ignore divorce proceedings, etc... Is she in denial? Does she maybe want to work on marriage but is in love over there with the other man?

An affair is an addiction very much like alcohol or narcotic addiction. You shouldn't worry about why she does what she does. It is like trying to read into the "thinking" of a falling down drunk. It is a waste of time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yeah, I do spend way too much time analyzing each and every little thing she does, say and texts. It's a huge consumption of my time and energy. I even check phone records which is stupid and pointless at this time since she is fully admitted to the affair (which she calls a "relationship").

1. So i gather from everyone is basically to go dark and completely back off?
2. We do have to discuss coordination with our son so that makes it a little difficult.
3. Should I response and even entertain her texts/calls that don't involve our son?
4. Should I send her a card for Mothers Day?
5. Should I tell her about the progress about the divorce and a general timeline?
6. Should I discuss the selling of house/spiting of possessions?
7. The times we do talk, should I act angry about the situation in general or happy that I am now getting on with my life?
8. Should I date/tell her that I am dating?

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Don't act angry and don't date. You are a married man. If you are going to object to her adultery, you can't very well do the same thing. You should be polite to her and just go ahead and follow through on the divorce. You don't need to update her along the way.

Quote
Should I response and even entertain her texts/calls that don't involve our son?
4. Should I send her a card for Mothers Day?

That is all up to you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok, it appears I am on the right course here. I have filed for divorce (I am in TX so its going to take a little time). With that said, i have also been told that time is my friend under the circumstances. I will not update her on divorce, If she asks, I will tell her.

I do not ask about the other man, and frankly I don't act too concerned about what she is doing either. She sees the changes I have and continue to make in making almost jealous/mad types of comments. I don't know if that good or bad.

Any other advise that anyone can give would be much appreciated! Anyone with success stories or have heard success stories, please let me know things that worked / didn't work.

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Also, another question... if/when my wife decides to stop seeing other man, will it most likely be a gradual thing where she starts seeing some imperfections in him and the newness wears off, or will be a sudden thing and she calls me next day and wants to work on marriage? What is the general consensus here?

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Originally Posted by RDM2000
Ok, it appears I am on the right course here. I have filed for divorce (I am in TX so its going to take a little time). With that said, i have also been told that time is my friend under the circumstances. I will not update her on divorce, If she asks, I will tell her.

Good! The goal is to make sure you are legally protected.

Quote
I do not ask about the other man, and frankly I don't act too concerned about what she is doing either. She sees the changes I have and continue to make in making almost jealous/mad types of comments. I don't know if that good or bad.

My concern is HER CHANGES. That is the issue. I would ask her to end her affair and tell her how much that hurts you. Tell her that you will be willing to reconcile if she ended her affair and committed to creating a romantic, affair proof marriage. I would paint this picture for her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I would like to get everyone's opinion on something.

Over about the last 3 weeks or so my wife has become more and more talkative, friendly, texting more, telling me random stories of things that do not matter and just more generally upbeat and positive. I have gone along with all of this and played her game. She is still dating other man.

She or I hadn't mentioned the divorce status in almost a month and no relationship talk either.

Many of you have advised that I am Plan B for her in the event that the OM doesn't work out. With that said, I told her the following on Friday morning:

ME: "Based on the recommendation of my therapist, support groups, mentor and a lot of prayer, it is best if you and I have minimal communication. Keep it to the facts and ***son*** coordination. This is the best way for me to heal and move on with my life. There is a Ton more about this etc... but that is the long/short of it. Last, it finally hit me last night that the last time I was ever to be at THAT house, was Easter night, on the front porch, walking away. Who would have thunk that 5 months ago?!?!? How depressing. When the house sells, I plan to hire a mover to come and pack whatever I end up with and personal stuff. I can't ever come back there.

HER: "You're right. It's very depressing. I tell you everyone how sad it is that you've worked so hard to have this nice house that you're not even able to enjoy. [censored] for everyone. I'm sorry. I will give you space"

I helped our son buy her a Mothers Day gift and she texted telling me thanks (i told her it was from our son and not me). She said she knew and said she LOVED it with heart emjoi's etc...

Other than that, I have had no communication with her. Just wondering if I made a mistake? She was obviously opening up to me by having friendly conversations, texting for no particular reason other than to tell me meaningless stories, etc.

Thoughts?

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Of you want her back, plan B is not warranted for men. Instead, you move back in and try to stick it out untill your charming behaviour turns this around.

If you don't want to reconcile, then plan B is for you.

Last edited by happyheart; 05/16/17 04:19 AM.

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