He has already committed to having no contact with her. He said he doesn't want to ever have anything to do with her again. We were just discussing changing his cell number and email this morning, and he said he was willing to do that.

Will he write her a NC letter that you send?

Yeah, I understood that he was willing to do MB but that's somewhat vague.

Since you guys are both already familiar with MB and you told us before that he flat out refused POJA, didn't agree with it etc etc, I was wondering if he still feels that way. Have you asked him?

That is important because a WS who disagrees w POJA is a WS who is not going to follow EPs and/or is basically going to make your marriage miserable.

Have the number and email been changed? Are you going to put spyware on his phone?

Right now, I think we're both a little rusty on the principles of MB. It's been quite a few years since we've been here. New copies of "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" just arrived in the mail, so we're going to start by covering the basics again. I'd forgotten all about POJA, so I'm going to read up on that, but my husband has expressed a willingness to go through the MB program with me, so I feel like that is a good sign.

The number and email have not been changed yet. We're considering changing cell phone providers, so that would be a great opportunity to change the cell number. The email might be more problematic, since my husband is job searching and he has been using his current email account to send out resumes and apply for jobs. But he didn't contact her on his main email account anyway. He contacted her on an old account that he doesn't even use anymore, specifically to keep me from finding out they were in contact (he admitted this). That email has been closed. I'm not sure about spyware. I'm not very technically inclined. I do have access to his phone though and I know his passwords, so I can check it whenever I want. So far, I haven't seen any evidence that he has attempted to contact her again.

But it's not. Serial offenders and waywards who don't want a divorce have no problem agreeing to everything and then when it gets down to the nitty gritty the waffling and excuses start.

The time to start pinning him down on the details is now, writer. And these principles are something you can brush up on in one day. You guys already know these terms.

The phone number should already be changed, writer. You know all this stuff. What's going on here?

Whatever means she used to contact him or him her should be changed. If she doesn't have his current work email and never used it then it doesn't need to be changed.


Spyware for a WS who used email and internet to contact their affair partners needs to be monitored. This is MB 101, the basics, for a one time cheater. Forget someone who has done this multiple times. There is a forum for spying here on MB - you can get help here or there to spy. There is no reason not to do this because you are not technologically inclined. We have people all the time who are not technologically inclined who are able to get this into place. That's really not a good excuse.

Are you guys spending the 20+ hrs a week together UA time?

The spyware is something I need to do. I'm not sure when I will be able to depending on the cost. Right now, we are literally living paycheck to paycheck. I am applying for jobs and had a very promising interview last week, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

As for UA time, we are doing pretty good on that. We're going out about twice a week and then spending time together in the evenings after our daughter goes to bed. I haven't really tracked the exact number of hours, but probably at least meeting the minimum 15 hours a week. It's hard, because we have to find things to do that don't cost much and we live in a small town with a Walmart and a couple of grocery stores and not much in the way of anything to do. That's another thing we're working on. My husband is applying for jobs out of state since we don't like it here and he isn't happy with his current company.

Tonight, we are going to sit down and fill out the EN questionnaire again. We've been reading through "His Needs, Her Needs" and verbally talking about the EN's, but we haven't written anything down, so that's the next step.

Spyware is the best thing I ever went into debt for.

Do not count the time spent at home as UA.
And, if you're not counting the hours, expect it to be lower than the minimum 15. Especially if you are only going out twice a week.

I tend to count the hours we spend on SF as UA time, which is usually at home (ha). This is one of my husband's top EN's, and something we haven't been doing really at all for the past couple of years.

Right now, more than 15 hours of UA out of the house just isn't possible. Childcare is an issue when we are living paycheck to paycheck and are in danger of not being able to pay our rent and other bills every month. We have no family where we live and don't really know many people here. My husband has tried to get coworkers with children to do exchanges for childcare, but none of them are interested. Most don't go out on dates with their spouses at all. I wish this wasn't our reality, but for right now, it is. Our focus is on becoming more financially secure so we can improve the situation.