First post here... I just found out that my husband had an affair in 2012 and reconnected this fall. I saw the text that lasted for several months in a friendly manner (this summer) but when he was drinking he said that he wanted to be with her and that "he just needed to get his life together here". This is a man that has issues setting boundaries for years. My question is he says it was just a few times he was with her and that it was just sex. He did break it off with her by email... In reading the text it sounded much more then sex. How do I know how long the original affair was for and if the nature of it was "love". I believe I deserve to know as looking back I think it lasted a year so... I've talked to the other women once and she did take my call. I was polite but firm. Do I try to get the true story from her he will not budge and says just a few times years ago.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

How long have you been married? Do you have children?

Who is the OW? How do they know each other? Is she married?

Have you read these SAA-Start here first?

Thank you for the invite. It's good to have some support. I have been married 15 years. We have one child together, he has two from a previous relationship.

He's in the military and they met while he was on a 4 week assignment. She lived 2.5 hours away but when they returned home she moved within an 1.5 hrs of us. I knew nothing of this at the time. She left her husband a year after they had the affair.

I contacted him when I found out even though he was her ex to let him know of the affair. He had no idea. Of course, it helped him to know he wasn't "crazy" because he had suspicions. She is supposedly a Christian but broke up another marriage prior to my husband having an affair. Was best friends with the wife of that husband.

I've read through much of it. Continue to do so...

Whether you want to acknowledge it of not, you pretty much already have the "true story". Your husband is involved in an ongoing affair that is five years old. Details aside, you are up against an entrenched affair. You will need to identify the circumstances that have allowed this affair to happen, and then take measures to address these circumstances so that any future affair will be impossible. This will likely mean him leaving the military and staying home every night from now on, or at least you going with him so he is never separated from you overnight.

You did not mention if the affair partner is in the military as well.

Looking at the communication it looks like they were not in communication the last several years and reconnected. He is overseas and will retire when he returns. She is a civilian but works with the military. She was a civilian contractor when they met. I am addressing the concerns on my part which led to the concerns in the marriage as I have been disrespectful and have angry outbursts with all of the emotional affairs and inappropriate relationships. I'm trying to better understand the difference between controlling and setting clear expectations of what , how we plan to address the issues together. He feels shamed and just wants to get part all this.

How many affairs has he had?


When will this happen?

He had an emotional affair with a women a year before, found him with profiles on adult websites year before that. Started digging more and found s profile on match.com earlier in our relationship. Stayed out all night earlier in or relationship with a poor excuse...and I've had suspicions are entire marriage. He is overseas a year and retirement 6-12 months after that.

He struggles with depression, ptsd and I believe addictions. He's compulsive about something always... gaming, alcohol, etc..

Anyway, I need to have him committed to a plan to improve his behavior as this is habitual... he went to a psychiatrist and explained about my angry outburst so she had him convinced I was the one wrong... he won't go to couples therapy.

Your angry outbursts are not the issue. The issue is his lifestyle. He is out trolling for action and has been for some time. His lifestyle supports this type of behavior. These is nothing you can do he decides to stop trolling for action. He needs to a) quits his job and is home with you every night and b) makes a radical change in his approach to being married.

He has not been living the life of a married man, he is married in name only.

Focusing on your "angry outbursts" is a distraction. Sure, it is good to control your anger, but it is insignificant compared to the marriage problems.

Well, I wanted to update and get more advice. I explained to my husband that if he was not willing to work on the marriage together and start to look at MB then I don't think there is any hope in us reconciling once he returns from being deployed. I had been sending him information and talking about the program. He says he has done everything I've asked by going to a psychiatrist for the past year and is over his "issues". I never was invited to any sessions he went to and I went to another therapist on my own. Talk about IB. We can't even go to marriage counseling together. It goes without saying I've tried to have him go for years...

He texted me within days of that conversation and said he has no interest in physical intimacy he just doesn't have a need for it... that's just who he is at this point in his life.

Then he left over Labor Day weekend to another part of Asia said he was visiting the country with a friend and his wife. He stayed at a nice hotel and wouldn't answer text or phone calls for 4 days.

Then he removed me as a friend from his facebook account. Basically blocked me. I calmly addressed everything when he returned and had absolutely no AO. Very proud of myself. He still says he is not seeing anyone. He told me that I should start dating !!.... he's not sure he wants to be married anymore.

We have had two other conversations about things at home but I initiated both calls. The calls were actually very nice and we laughed about different things that were going on in our lives. I'm trying to calm the waters so I better understand what he is thinking. I've exposed to his family the lies and the affair over the past year. I also contacted the OW's ex husband to let him know that she cheated on him with my husband.

I have every reason to think she is back in the picture but he is not sure.

So...any advice is appreciated. He will be back to the USA at Christmas and I have no idea how to prepare for this. Not even sure he will want to stay with us.

I would go into Plan B and file for divorce to protect yourself legally. There is nothing you can do to change him. Sorry.

You are married to a serial cheater who has no intention to change. Go into Plan B and file for divorce, there is no other option really other than living like this forever.

MelodyLane, I just wanted to give you an update since it's been a year since I've written. In August of last year, after several weeks of trying to have him commit to marriage builders, I finally told him to consider us separated. You may recall he's in S.Korea. He quickly flew to the Philippines and while on his way told me I should consider dating. Took me off Facebook and removed all signs of me on social media. I continued to try to hold the marriage together as he was spending money in bars and drinking over there. He got in trouble with the drinking part so that slowed down some. I was the only one texting or calling him. I explained that I would not continue to do so and he should be initiating if he was serious at all. He texted me and explained he is considering retiring in the Philippines. That text was on December 4, 2017. I consider that our separation date. He wasn't coming back and after 16 years I got a text telling me so. No mention of our daughter (12 yrs. old) or parenting either. Said he can parent just fine from the Philippians.

He now is with a woman and his broadcasting her and his relationship all over social media. The are in love even though we are only separated. I did manage to have his command assure that he take down these posts. I believe he has been in contact with this woman and found her over Asian Websites since 2016 and that is why he was flying to the Philippians immediately upon arriving to S. Korea. Of course, like any WH he only admits to the bare minimum and said they just met. We probably will be divorced soon. He received my offer letter today.

I wanted to thank you for your advice above. It was spot on and I knew it when I read it. I stopped blaming myself after reading it and took action. It gave him what he was looking for which was a way out of the marriage and me making the decision to do so as I am now the "bad guy". He continues to be the victim as I made the decision. God help me get through all this. Thank you again. God Bless.

This is great news!! I am sorry it turned out like this, but sometimes divorce is the definition of success. Congrats to you!

Oh I am so excited for you!

One thing though..how do you know he thinks of you as the bad guy? This guy traumatised you for years which is why Dr H says to cut off all contact. Do you know how to do that while maintaining his option to parent? You just need an intermediary/lawyer and to block him across the board.

I think your DD will honestly be better off.