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Joined: Apr 2001
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Joined: Apr 2001
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"The goal is to woo her back. But you have to be home in the evenings to do that." So you're saying I might as well just get divorced if I keep my job?
I can assure you if I quit this job without another guaranteed job that would be a death sentence as well. Another issue that's been consistent throughout our marriage is my constant dissatisfaction with any job, and constant job changes. I bet you are smart enough to find a job that complements your marriage - versus harms it - without quitting that job! You seem like a bright guy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 9
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Joined: May 2017
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Alright, well i understand the issue but there's nothing I can do about it in short enough order for it to make a difference. If you don't have any other advice for me I guess I'll just have to find my own way. Of course I want to turn this around, or I wouldn't be here. I'm not disagreeing that it's an issue, but again there is no alternative at present. So if you have any other suggestions I'd love to hear them, but if it's going to be 100% impossible to make it work because I'm not at home every evening I guess that's that.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Joined: Apr 2001
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"The goal is to woo her back. But you have to be home in the evenings to do that." So you're saying I might as well just get divorced if I keep my job?
I can assure you if I quit this job without another guaranteed job that would be a death sentence as well. Another issue that's been consistent throughout our marriage is my constant dissatisfaction with any job, and constant job changes. I bet you are smart enough to find a job that complements your marriage - versus harms it - without quitting that job! You seem like a bright guy. To make sure I am clear on this, you need to either find another job or get a better shift. You could only quit when you had another job lined up. But working the night shift will prevent you from recovering your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Alright, well i understand the issue but there's nothing I can do about it in short enough order for it to make a difference. If you don't have any other advice for me I guess I'll just have to find my own way. Of course I want to turn this around, or I wouldn't be here. I'm not disagreeing that it's an issue, but again there is no alternative at present. So if you have any other suggestions I'd love to hear them, but if it's going to be 100% impossible to make it work because I'm not at home every evening I guess that's that. Like they say in AA, half measures will avail us nothing. You won't make inroads until you solve the lifestyle problem. You will be spinning your wheels and wondering why there is no progress. So my suggestion is to put all of your energy into changing that. Detachment is what has wrecked your marriage. More detachment will not save it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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If you want to see how this plays out, read this thread. This cop wrecked his own marriage by working the night shift. He saved his marriage by changing his shift and putting on an effective Plan A: wifedivorcing You just can't sustain a marriage by working a night shift.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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I have read exposing to children, and it's not at all that I'm opposed to exposure. However the issue is in that I did the exposure back in May, while I was moved out. I was out of state. I did exposure via phone calls, texts, and social media. I wasn't able to get my kids in the rounds for obvious reasons. Now since first if all I told her I'll hold off on telling the kids until we're 100% certain we're divorcing, it would be a major love buster to go back on that. Also it would sort of be filed under a trickle exposure. Rest assured when the decision is made they'll be told why we're divorcing. You should not wait until divorce to expose. Dr Harley would tell you to expose to them now. There is obvious tension in the household and the kids need to know the reason for that and that it has nothing to do with them. That is for their health and well-being. Your WW is also still foggy - exposure to the kids could help to clear up the fog. Win-win. Because this is done at a different time than the other exposure doesn't mean that you file it under "trickle exposure" and write it off. No, it doesn't work that way. It is not a love buster to expose. If your WW is angry about that, then that should subside if she de-fogs. If she continues to be angry about exposure, then you were on path to divorce anyway. Dr Harley says that exposure just speeds up what was already going to happen anyway. It's like taking a band-aid off a festering wound.
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