My wife and I are both in our mid 40s, married for 16 years, and we have two kids. About six years ago, I started a physical affair with a neighbor in our apartment building. It started a month after we had moved in and the intensity of it ended about a year later when we bought our first home. We continued to see each other once or twice a week for another year, but that ended when she became serious with the guy she was dating. I haven't seen or heard from her in the last few years and have no desire to. I realize how selfish and disrespectful I was to my wife and family at the time, even though I was present and tried to be the best husband/father possible while the affair was going on.
My wife doesn't know I've cheated and I'm not sure how to tell her. I want us to live the best life possible and I know for that to happen, I have to come clean. At the same time, I don't want to devastate and blow up her life over my selfish actions.

I need advice on the best steps to take. I haven't cheated since the former neighbor and I know I never will again.

Hi James, welcome to Marriage Builders. The best thing to do is to tell your wife. This is critical information about her life to which she is entitled to know. The longer you wait, the worse it will be because she will feel like she has lived a lie. Not telling her compounds the crime. Yes, she will be devastated, but the alternative is worse, which is for her to find out on her own.

How can you be sure? What has changed in your lifestyle? What do you think led to your affair?

Welcome to MB.

Every regular poster here commends you for recognising that you need to confess the truth about your affair if you want to have the best marriage possible from now on. You have made the correct decision to come clean.

Dr Harley explains that what he calls "historical honesty" - honesty about behaviour in the past - is essential if spouses are to fully to understand each other. When we are aware of each other's weaknesses, we can work together to avoid making bad decisions in the future.

Here is what he says about how to reveal a past affair:

Why put your spouse through the agony of a revelation that could ruin your relationship forever?

I'd say you don't give your spouse much credit! Honesty does not drive a spouse insane -- dishonesty does. People in general, and women in particular, want to know exactly what their spouses are thinking and feeling. When you hold something back, your spouse tries to guess what it is. If he or she is right, then you must continually lie to cover your tracks. If he or she is wrong, an incorrect understanding of you and your predispositions develops.

Maybe you don't really want to be known for who you are? That's the saddest position of all. You'd rather keep your secret than experience one of life's greatest joys -- to be loved and accepted in spite of your weaknesses.

Some counselors have argued that the only reason people reveal past infidelity is because of anger. They are deliberately trying to hurt their spouses with that information. Or they might be doing it to relieve their own guilt at the expense of their spouse's feelings.

While it's true that the spouse usually feels hurt, and vengeance or feelings of guilt motivate some, whenever correct information is revealed, an opportunity for understanding and change is presented. That opportunity is more important than unhealthy motives or momentary unhappiness.

Some revelations may need to be made in the presence of a professional counselor to help control the emotional damage. Spouses sometimes have difficulty adjusting to revelations that have been kept secret for years. In many cases, they're not reacting to the revelation as much as the fact that they'd been lied to all that time.

Some spouses with emotional weaknesses may need personal counseling to help them adjust to the reality of their spouses' past. The saints they thought they married turn out to be not so saintly. But the most negative reactions to truth that I've witnessed have never destroyed a person or a marriage. It's dishonesty that destroys intimacy, the feeling of love, and marriages.

Read the whole article here:

James, sometimes in life you have to just rip the bandaid off.

This is one of those times: tell your wife.

I agree with the others. When will you be telling your BW?

Does your BW stay in contact with the OW?

I hope that in further reflection, you have come to realize how far short you were from being "the best husband/father possible". It is in the nature of men to compartmentalize their lives. Women do not do that so much. So, while you might think things were just oaky doaky in the husband/father compartment and the affair compartment was completely separate, your betrayed wife is very unlikely to see it that way.

This is the equivalant of saying "I was actively working to lose weight, while polishing off my sheet cake." It is absolutely impossible to be the best husband or father or to be 'present' while you are in an affair

But I do also want to commend you for coming here seeking advice, and for considering telling your wife. It is the right thing to do. Are you going to do it?

It is very common for spouses who have had an affair to place some amount of blame on their betrayed spouse. We frequently hear, 'I know it was my choice BUT she was not meeting my needs...' YOU alone are responsible for the choice to have an affair. If she wasn't meeting your needs, or whatever else was going on, you had the choice to tell her and work it out, or to separate or divorce. You alone chose the most destructive path. I would highly caution you, when you tell her, to NOT in any way shape or form blame her for this. Do not bring up your grievances. There will be a time to work on the marriage on her end, this is not it. It will be like throwing gas on a fire.

Also, you have the benefit of finding this site. Which means you can not only tell her the news, but come to her with a PLAN on how to give her just compensation for your affair and create a marriage that is affair proof, so that this will never ever happen to her again. I know you say it will never happen again, but surely you can understand that after this amount of deception, your words are not going to be good enough.

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement. I know I need to tell my wife, but I'm terrified. I'm trying to control what happens but I know it's unfair because she had no say in my affair.

I know I will never cheat again; I've had several opportunities over the last few years and I shut them all down.

I don't know why I cheated. I was happy with my marriage and family life when it started and that contentment didn't change during the duration of the affair. I know it's not an excuse or reason, but I felt flattered that the affair partner came onto me so aggressively. I've grown since then, and I'm no longer seeking validation or an ego boost from others.

The affair partner and my wife are not in contact, they were not friends in the first place.

These two things can't both be true.

As long as you don't know how to prevent an affair, you can't say for sure you'll never have another.

Hint: "why you cheated" = "you didn't know how affairs start or how to prevent them from happening"

That is a really, really scary game of chicken you are playing.

I'm glad you've kept winning it, but maybe you shouldn't play chicken?

I have had no opportunities for an affair over the last few years because my wife and I have our lives structured in a way that an affair would be impossible.

It will be devastating to her, but keep in mind that her need to know supersedes your fear. She has a right to know the truth about her own life. To keep this secret from her is cruel and manipulative. It is the right thing to do.


The fact that you have had "opportunities" indicates the real reason you had the affair: You have poor boundaries with women. THAT is why you cheated. 99% of affairs start with opposite sex friendships, usually with a married person who claims "I will never cheat."

The people who make that claim are the most vulnerable. Since they believe they are immune, don't have appropriate boundaries.

Saying that you will never cheat again needs to be followed by a PLAN or it is just meaningless talk. It has to be backed up with action. Just hoping you will never cheat again is not a plan.

For example, you would want to eliminate opposite sex friendships [#1 cause of affairs] and avoid talking about personal issues with female acquaintances. Avoid over night travel, etc. There are many ways to affair proof your marriage and none of them are proclaiming "I will never cheat again." A proclamation alone will not prevent an affair.

I have taken steps over the years to become a safe partner. I don't have one-on-one interaction with women besides coworkers on a strictly work basis or my wife's relatives. I stopped attending happy hours with coworkers, I do not talk to anyone at the gym...I focus on my workout. If I travel for work, I have dinner with a mixed group and I always go straight to my hotel room afterward.

I found that many of these situations (gym and happy hours) invite women to cross lines.

That is much better! How often do you travel overnight with out her?

I don't travel often without my wife, usually 2-4 times in a year for work. Sometimes she's able to join me.

Have you read this?
What's Just Compensation?

It isn't like women are just hitting on poor little innocent you! By placing yourself in such situations, you are actively trolling for connections. It is important that you own the consequences of your choices. If going to the gym is an issue for you, then you can not do that anymore. That is what extraordinary precautions are all about - making the opportunity for affairs impossible.