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I confessed yesterday. She's completely devastated and had no idea/suspicion that something happened with the former neighbor a few years ago. She said a few times that she wish I kept it to myself. She asked for a detailed timeline of when it started, how often I saw her, what we did together, if I preferred her, what kept me going back, if I missed any major events our kids had, and why it ended. I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore.
She asked me to leave and I'm staying with my cousin now.
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I am sorry for her pain. But you did the right thing. A marriage can never be good if based on a lie. Will she come here and post to us?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're going to need to rip the band aid off completely and promptly: tell her everything now, answer all of her questions. Don't prolong it in an attempt to "help" her; this always results in worse harm.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore.
She asked me to leave and I'm staying with my cousin now. That happened to me, it takes a while to process this stuff. But you made a strategic error if you did not admit everything. When my now ex husband told me about an affair he had had 11 years prior, I was in total shock. I had no clue. But then I started to do my own research and soon found evidence of far more than what he had told me. Lies are always worse than the affair. If you have held back information your marriage will not recover.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore. Oh crap! I missed this and see what Markos is referring to. GEt it all out now and get it over.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm holding back details on the number of times we had sex. I don't know the exact number and my estimate is very alarming. I also don't want to tell her that I enjoyed it. I was honest about when it started and when it ended. I made it clear that it was just a physical relationship and no feelings were involved.
I don't want to cause my wife any pain by talking about and describing the sex.
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I'm holding back details on the number of times we had sex. I don't know the exact number and my estimate is very alarming. I also don't want to tell her that I enjoyed it. I was honest about when it started and when it ended. I made it clear that it was just a physical relationship and no feelings were involved.
I don't want to cause my wife any pain by talking about and describing the sex. JamesNY, while I applaud you for confessing the A to your betrayed wife (BW), being dishonest with her (lying by omission) is not to protect her from pain. It's to protect yourself. Please do the right thing and be open and honest with your BW, she deserves to know the truth about her life.
BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
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She asked for a detailed timeline of when it started, how often I saw her, what we did together, if I preferred her, what kept me going back, if I missed any major events our kids had, and why it ended. I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore. Any time you are feeling that you need to be deceitful about something because you "are protecting" your BW, that is your clue that you need to tell her. Answer all of her questions and be honest. There is no hope if you continue to be dishonest.
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She said a few times that she wish I kept it to myself. She asked for a detailed timeline of when it started, how often I saw her, Do you see the contradiction there? She wishes you kept it to yourself but then she went on to ask you for more details. It hurts but the truth needs to come out. All of it. Every time you trickle truth, you hurt your BW more and you further hurt your chances for recovery.
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I'm holding back details on the number of times we had sex. So you realize we're telling you this is a very bad idea, right?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings and adding insult to injury?
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How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings and adding insult to injury? Truthfully.
BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
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It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.
After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.
The Policy of Radical Honesty (reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future) is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.
If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.
How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies. Link: Coping with Infidelity
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How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings and adding insult to injury? Just suck it up and spill your guts. Don't try to gloss anything over because she will sense it and will eventually drag it out. Better to get every scrap out now so you can move on. If not, she will get it out, a death of a thousand cuts.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think you realize how DANGEROUS dishonesty is for marriage. Affairs and dishonesty go hand in hand.
And you have lived a SSL (secret second life) all of these years in order to keep your BW in the dark. This has become a bad habit that you are going to have to work HARD at changing.
As long as you do not believe in radical honesty - you are very dangerous to your wife and she would be better off moving on.
There are numerous articles regarding PORH on this site. I would encourage you to read them ALL.
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What you are doing to your wife is called 'trickle truth.' You are delivering the information a little bit over time, rather than just getting it all out on the table. It is like throwing gas on the fire of pain and deceit. You are basically CONTINUING to deceive her by straight out lying to her about the details. So your goal of being honest is not happening anyway, you are following up your confession with more deceit and lies. You say it is to protect her, but protecting her is telling her the TRUTH and letting he make her own decisions. Protecting her is not deceiving her and telling her lies. Telling her the TRUTH is not what is going to hurt her, the act of doing it in the first place is what is going to hurt her and thats already done...man up now and come clean.
Ask her if she would be willing to post on this forum. We can help her get through this.
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My wife is not ready to post on this forum, but I don't think she's completely ruled it out for the future.
She wants to talk to our former neighbor to get her version.
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My wife is not ready to post on this forum, but I don't think she's completely ruled it out for the future.
She wants to talk to our former neighbor to get her version. That is precisely why not telling the whole truth is such a problem.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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You took a very important step by telling the truth.
The utter despair and hurt of your wife was probably not in the forefront of your mind back then.
Now that you have told her, there are a few things you can do for her:
Always tell her the truth. If, after some time she should learn to trust you again, even a minute lie, will set back your recovery to square one.
Do not give her the impression that your behaviour had anything to do with what she should have done better. Take full responsibility.
Give her time.
Affair proof your life.
Do everything you can do to make your marriage better than before. That is how you make ammends and give her "just compensation". You could use the book "surviving an affair" to help lead the way.
me, DH
all the children
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My wife doesn't know I've cheated and I'm not sure how to tell her. I want us to live the best life possible and I know for that to happen, I have to come clean. Why come clean now? Cheaters rarely voluntarily confess out of the goodness of their heart. Did the OW threaten to out you because she wants more?
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