P.s. Something about OP story doesn't add up.

I decided to confess for two reasons. For one, I don't want to be that person that lies to his wife and family anymore.

The second reason is one of my wife's best friends found out that her husband cheated through someone else. She told my wife that it would've been better had her husband confessed himself. I thought I was doing the right thing by voluntarily confessing.

The other woman has been out of the picture for the last few years. I was never worried she would tell my wife and it doesn't matter now anyway, it's out in the open.

Did you read this and listen to the radio clips in the thread?

It is the right thing to do to confess James, you did the right thing.

Confessing was just the first step to this though. Many people who have affairs try to sweep the affair under the rug. They expect forgiveness, and sometimes the BS feels the need to 'forgive.' Dr Harley believes rather in just compensation. Brainhurts linked an article for you to read to find out what that is. You can provide your wife with JC by 1) affair proofing your marriage so that this can never, ever happen again, and 2) creating a better marriage than you have ever had. Are you willing to do these two things? If so, we can help you with the steps to do them.

If you are not willing to do these two things, your marriage will never really recover from this. Your wife will never feel safe again, and she will get more and more resentful over the years. She will likely continue to bring up this past affair and it will haunt your marriage forever. This is how most people end up after an affair. You do not want to live like this! But it doesn't have to be this way. You can put the affair behind you if you are willing to do the work, and can have a great marriage for the rest of your life instead.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. My wife has decided today that she wants a separation. She isn't able to accept the number of times I had sex with the other woman; she just can't wrap her head around it.

James, I would keep trying to win her back. Keep in mind that it is her right to leave the marriage if she sees fit. Every betrayed spouse should have a right to make that choice. She may feel differently after she gets over the shock. If she does, we will be here to help.

Why were you never worried that she would tell your wife? Because you had the affair under control? Because she "only" wanted sex? Most women will not engage in a sexual relationship with a man for over two years unless there is a significant emotional attachment and/or some promise made of a future together. I'm sorry, and maybe I should believe your newfound good intentions, but my spidey senses sense that there is much more to this "sex only", friends with benefits arrangement you had with this woman that dragged on for that long. If so, your wife needs to be told - ALL of it.

There is nothing else and there was nothing beyond sex to our affair. When it started, the OW had gotten out of a long-term relationship and did not want a serious relationship or any sort of commitment. The arrangement we had was her idea and she was the aggressor. She had no desire to jeopardize my marriage or family, she was always friendly to my wife and kids when she ran into them.

She never said anything years ago, so I have no reason to believe she would come out of the woodwork now to tell my wife. We stopped having sex when the OW became serious with her boyfriend.

Think about that statement.

Can you see how hurtful and ridiculous that sounds to your betrayed spouse or to anyone for that matter?

Stop defending OW and minimizing the affair. That will not help you recover your marriage.

Stick around. MB is your best chance to learn how to redeem yourself.

I hope you read this statement again and realize how irrational it really is. If she didn't want to hurt your family she wouldn't be rolling around in the pig pen with you. She not only jeopardized your marriage but she jeopardized your health and that of your wife by exposing you both to STDs. It is disgusting that she was so shameless she would actually show her face to her victims, your wife and children.


I am not sure what it is that makes you believe she wouldn't tell your wife. Or try to resume the affair with you. She would do whatever her selfish interests dictate because she surely didn't care about anything else.

I don't know for sure that she wouldn't tell my wife. She's married now and I don't see a reason for why she would want to blow up her marriage.

When we were in the affair, we had a close call of getting caught by her now-husband. She made up an excuse for me being at her apartment, so that made it clear that she didn't want anyone to know about the affair.

If you haven't seen OW in several years how do you know she's married? How did you come by this little tidbit of info?

Another question: did you ever have sex in your apartment? In the marital bed? On the couch? Anywhere? Your wife has a right to know these things too.

If you're truly remorseful and not just BS-ing us (and more importantly, your wife), I would pay for and follow through with a polygraph answering all these questions and
more so that your wife can get some minimal sense of closure and validation of her reality. Ask her if she would be willing to write down all of the questions she has about the affair - the whos, what's, when's, and where's - and then answer them. Then in your polygraph, the tester should ask whether you answered all of those questions truthfully. Take the initiative and do the heavy lifting if you want any hope of a future with your poor BW.

Oh boy. Did you tell your wife this when you confessed? More importantly, do you really believe that this fact (if it's even true) makes you somehow less culpable?

Did OW hold a gun to your head? If not, then you had better knock off that kind of weasel-y, blame-shifting rationalization real quick. You were 100% responsible for what happened. 100%.

I'm sorry but the fact that you are framing it this way to us - people who don't even know you - makes me think, again, that there is another reason for this voluntary, ou-of-the-goodness-of-your-heart confession. You can be sure that your wife will think this, too.

I don't blame her. She shouldn't *have* to accept or wrap her head around anything. I also don't think you're giving us or her the full story. The minimization is strong with this one...

Did you read the Just Compensation article that was linked?

Right now your BW is very hurt. She has every right to separate or divorce over this, nobody would blame her if she did. But if you do not want that to happen, you can take some steps to win back her affections. It may or may not work, but it is your best shot at saving your marriage and having a happy marriage in the future.

First, you want her to know that this is never ever going to happen again. Not because you say so, because your words mean nothing to her right now. But because you are willing to set up your life in a way that makes having another affair next to impossible. What has been done from this list of precautions that Dr Harley outlines in his book "Surviving an Affair?"


_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

As was already advised to you, I would also schedule a polygraph for yourself. Have your BW create a list of questions, as many as she wants answered, and answer them 100% truthfully. She can work with the polygrapher to determine which ones will be used on the actual test.

Are you willing to do this?

Understand right now that she was blindsided. Right now she is wondering how many more there were, if you watch porn, if you have sex with prostitutes, the list goes on. All she knows for sure is that the reality she thought she knew was a sham, and that you can lie to her for years and she is none the wiser, so there is no end to what you *could* have done that she was the non the wiser about. If you pass a polygraph it will be an opportunity for you to confirm that you are now being honest (if you are).

I know she's married because my wife told me when she saw the wedding pictures; they're friends on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook and have not contacted the OW at all. When I say she was the aggressor, I meant she's the one who initiated and made the first move. I willingly went along, I'm not trying to minimize that.

My wife has asked every question on her mind and I've done my best to answer. Since this was years ago, exact dates and certain details are difficult to remember. She knows roughly how many times I had sex with the OW, the days of the week and the time when I saw her, the places we met (mostly the OW's apartment, sometimes our apartment and then when we moved into our house).

I will suggest a polygraph to my wife, I think she will be receptive.

Does the OW live nearby? Is it possible to run into her on occasion?

Did you read about Just Compensation?

How did you go about maintaining an affair for two years without your wife knowing? Do you have password protected phone/email/social media accounts that your wife does not have access to? Or did you carry on the affair using a burner phone or other secret device? How and when did you meet OW for sex? Do you have a job that is flexible and does not have accountability?

I am asking these questions because these are opportunities for you to have another affair. I don't care about the details of your affair as much as the conditions that were present that made it possible. Maybe you are thinking that this will never happen again, but realize that your wife does not know that and will not feel safe as long as the conditions that made the last affair possible are not changed.