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My wife and I are both in our mid 40s, married for 16 years, and we have two kids. About six years ago, I started a physical affair with a neighbor in our apartment building. It started a month after we had moved in and the intensity of it ended about a year later when we bought our first home. We continued to see each other once or twice a week for another year, but that ended when she became serious with the guy she was dating. I haven't seen or heard from her in the last few years and have no desire to. I realize how selfish and disrespectful I was to my wife and family at the time, even though I was present and tried to be the best husband/father possible while the affair was going on.
My wife doesn't know I've cheated and I'm not sure how to tell her. I want us to live the best life possible and I know for that to happen, I have to come clean. At the same time, I don't want to devastate and blow up her life over my selfish actions.

I need advice on the best steps to take. I haven't cheated since the former neighbor and I know I never will again.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
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I need advice on the best steps to take. I haven't cheated since the former neighbor and I know I never will again.

Hi James, welcome to Marriage Builders. The best thing to do is to tell your wife. This is critical information about her life to which she is entitled to know. The longer you wait, the worse it will be because she will feel like she has lived a lie. Not telling her compounds the crime. Yes, she will be devastated, but the alternative is worse, which is for her to find out on her own.


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I need advice on the best steps to take. I haven't cheated since the former neighbor and I know I never will again.

How can you be sure? What has changed in your lifestyle? What do you think led to your affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Welcome to MB.

Every regular poster here commends you for recognising that you need to confess the truth about your affair if you want to have the best marriage possible from now on. You have made the correct decision to come clean.

Dr Harley explains that what he calls "historical honesty" - honesty about behaviour in the past - is essential if spouses are to fully to understand each other. When we are aware of each other's weaknesses, we can work together to avoid making bad decisions in the future.

Here is what he says about how to reveal a past affair:

Why put your spouse through the agony of a revelation that could ruin your relationship forever?

I'd say you don't give your spouse much credit! Honesty does not drive a spouse insane -- dishonesty does. People in general, and women in particular, want to know exactly what their spouses are thinking and feeling. When you hold something back, your spouse tries to guess what it is. If he or she is right, then you must continually lie to cover your tracks. If he or she is wrong, an incorrect understanding of you and your predispositions develops.

Maybe you don't really want to be known for who you are? That's the saddest position of all. You'd rather keep your secret than experience one of life's greatest joys -- to be loved and accepted in spite of your weaknesses.

Some counselors have argued that the only reason people reveal past infidelity is because of anger. They are deliberately trying to hurt their spouses with that information. Or they might be doing it to relieve their own guilt at the expense of their spouse's feelings.

While it's true that the spouse usually feels hurt, and vengeance or feelings of guilt motivate some, whenever correct information is revealed, an opportunity for understanding and change is presented. That opportunity is more important than unhealthy motives or momentary unhappiness.

Some revelations may need to be made in the presence of a professional counselor to help control the emotional damage. Spouses sometimes have difficulty adjusting to revelations that have been kept secret for years. In many cases, they're not reacting to the revelation as much as the fact that they'd been lied to all that time.

Some spouses with emotional weaknesses may need personal counseling to help them adjust to the reality of their spouses' past. The saints they thought they married turn out to be not so saintly. But the most negative reactions to truth that I've witnessed have never destroyed a person or a marriage. It's dishonesty that destroys intimacy, the feeling of love, and marriages.


Read the whole article here:


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by JamesNY
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I need advice on the best steps to take. I haven't cheated since the former neighbor and I know I never will again.

Hi James, welcome to Marriage Builders. The best thing to do is to tell your wife. This is critical information about her life to which she is entitled to know. The longer you wait, the worse it will be because she will feel like she has lived a lie. Not telling her compounds the crime. Yes, she will be devastated, but the alternative is worse, which is for her to find out on her own.

James, sometimes in life you have to just rip the bandaid off.

This is one of those times: tell your wife.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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I agree with the others. When will you be telling your BW?

Does your BW stay in contact with the OW?


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I realize how selfish and disrespectful I was to my wife and family at the time, even though I was present and tried to be the best husband/father possible while the affair was going on.
I hope that in further reflection, you have come to realize how far short you were from being "the best husband/father possible". It is in the nature of men to compartmentalize their lives. Women do not do that so much. So, while you might think things were just oaky doaky in the husband/father compartment and the affair compartment was completely separate, your betrayed wife is very unlikely to see it that way.


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I realize how selfish and disrespectful I was to my wife and family at the time, even though I was present and tried to be the best husband/father possible while the affair was going on.

This is the equivalant of saying "I was actively working to lose weight, while polishing off my sheet cake." It is absolutely impossible to be the best husband or father or to be 'present' while you are in an affair crazy

But I do also want to commend you for coming here seeking advice, and for considering telling your wife. It is the right thing to do. Are you going to do it?

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It is very common for spouses who have had an affair to place some amount of blame on their betrayed spouse. We frequently hear, 'I know it was my choice BUT she was not meeting my needs...' YOU alone are responsible for the choice to have an affair. If she wasn't meeting your needs, or whatever else was going on, you had the choice to tell her and work it out, or to separate or divorce. You alone chose the most destructive path. I would highly caution you, when you tell her, to NOT in any way shape or form blame her for this. Do not bring up your grievances. There will be a time to work on the marriage on her end, this is not it. It will be like throwing gas on a fire.

Also, you have the benefit of finding this site. Which means you can not only tell her the news, but come to her with a PLAN on how to give her just compensation for your affair and create a marriage that is affair proof, so that this will never ever happen to her again. I know you say it will never happen again, but surely you can understand that after this amount of deception, your words are not going to be good enough.

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Thank you all for the advice and encouragement. I know I need to tell my wife, but I'm terrified. I'm trying to control what happens but I know it's unfair because she had no say in my affair.

I know I will never cheat again; I've had several opportunities over the last few years and I shut them all down.

I don't know why I cheated. I was happy with my marriage and family life when it started and that contentment didn't change during the duration of the affair. I know it's not an excuse or reason, but I felt flattered that the affair partner came onto me so aggressively. I've grown since then, and I'm no longer seeking validation or an ego boost from others.

The affair partner and my wife are not in contact, they were not friends in the first place.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I know I will never cheat again

Quote
I don't know why I cheated.

These two things can't both be true.

As long as you don't know how to prevent an affair, you can't say for sure you'll never have another.

Hint: "why you cheated" = "you didn't know how affairs start or how to prevent them from happening"


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I know I will never cheat again; I've had several opportunities over the last few years and I shut them all down.

That is a really, really scary game of chicken you are playing.

I'm glad you've kept winning it, but maybe you shouldn't play chicken?

I have had no opportunities for an affair over the last few years because my wife and I have our lives structured in a way that an affair would be impossible.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
Thank you all for the advice and encouragement. I know I need to tell my wife, but I'm terrified. I'm trying to control what happens but I know it's unfair because she had no say in my affair.

It will be devastating to her, but keep in mind that her need to know supersedes your fear. She has a right to know the truth about her own life. To keep this secret from her is cruel and manipulative. It is the right thing to do.

Quote
I know I will never cheat again; I've had several opportunities over the last few years and I shut them all down.I don't know why I cheated.

The fact that you have had "opportunities" indicates the real reason you had the affair: You have poor boundaries with women. THAT is why you cheated. 99% of affairs start with opposite sex friendships, usually with a married person who claims "I will never cheat."

The people who make that claim are the most vulnerable. Since they believe they are immune, don't have appropriate boundaries.



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Saying that you will never cheat again needs to be followed by a PLAN or it is just meaningless talk. It has to be backed up with action. Just hoping you will never cheat again is not a plan.

For example, you would want to eliminate opposite sex friendships [#1 cause of affairs] and avoid talking about personal issues with female acquaintances. Avoid over night travel, etc. There are many ways to affair proof your marriage and none of them are proclaiming "I will never cheat again." A proclamation alone will not prevent an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
The people who make that claim are the most vulnerable. Since they believe they are immune, don't have appropriate boundaries.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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I have taken steps over the years to become a safe partner. I don't have one-on-one interaction with women besides coworkers on a strictly work basis or my wife's relatives. I stopped attending happy hours with coworkers, I do not talk to anyone at the gym...I focus on my workout. If I travel for work, I have dinner with a mixed group and I always go straight to my hotel room afterward.

I found that many of these situations (gym and happy hours) invite women to cross lines.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I have taken steps over the years to become a safe partner. I don't have one-on-one interaction with women besides coworkers on a strictly work basis or my wife's relatives. I stopped attending happy hours with coworkers, I do not talk to anyone at the gym...I focus on my workout. If I travel for work, I have dinner with a mixed group and I always go straight to my hotel room afterward.

I found that many of these situations (gym and happy hours) invite women to cross lines.

That is much better! How often do you travel overnight with out her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I don't travel often without my wife, usually 2-4 times in a year for work. Sometimes she's able to join me.

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Have you read this?
What's Just Compensation?


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I found that many of these situations (gym and happy hours) invite women to cross lines.
It isn't like women are just hitting on poor little innocent you! By placing yourself in such situations, you are actively trolling for connections. It is important that you own the consequences of your choices. If going to the gym is an issue for you, then you can not do that anymore. That is what extraordinary precautions are all about - making the opportunity for affairs impossible.


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I confessed yesterday. She's completely devastated and had no idea/suspicion that something happened with the former neighbor a few years ago. She said a few times that she wish I kept it to myself. She asked for a detailed timeline of when it started, how often I saw her, what we did together, if I preferred her, what kept me going back, if I missed any major events our kids had, and why it ended. I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore.

She asked me to leave and I'm staying with my cousin now.

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I am sorry for her pain. But you did the right thing. A marriage can never be good if based on a lie. Will she come here and post to us?


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You're going to need to rip the band aid off completely and promptly: tell her everything now, answer all of her questions. Don't prolong it in an attempt to "help" her; this always results in worse harm.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore.

She asked me to leave and I'm staying with my cousin now.


That happened to me, it takes a while to process this stuff. But you made a strategic error if you did not admit everything. When my now ex husband told me about an affair he had had 11 years prior, I was in total shock. I had no clue.

But then I started to do my own research and soon found evidence of far more than what he had told me. Lies are always worse than the affair. If you have held back information your marriage will not recover.


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore.

Oh crap! I missed this and see what Markos is referring to. GEt it all out now and get it over.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I'm holding back details on the number of times we had sex. I don't know the exact number and my estimate is very alarming. I also don't want to tell her that I enjoyed it. I was honest about when it started and when it ended. I made it clear that it was just a physical relationship and no feelings were involved.

I don't want to cause my wife any pain by talking about and describing the sex.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I'm holding back details on the number of times we had sex. I don't know the exact number and my estimate is very alarming. I also don't want to tell her that I enjoyed it. I was honest about when it started and when it ended. I made it clear that it was just a physical relationship and no feelings were involved.

I don't want to cause my wife any pain by talking about and describing the sex.

JamesNY, while I applaud you for confessing the A to your betrayed wife (BW), being dishonest with her (lying by omission) is not to protect her from pain. It's to protect yourself. Please do the right thing and be open and honest with your BW, she deserves to know the truth about her life.


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
She asked for a detailed timeline of when it started, how often I saw her, what we did together, if I preferred her, what kept me going back, if I missed any major events our kids had, and why it ended. I'm afraid to admit everything as I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore.

Any time you are feeling that you need to be deceitful about something because you "are protecting" your BW, that is your clue that you need to tell her.

Answer all of her questions and be honest. There is no hope if you continue to be dishonest.


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
She said a few times that she wish I kept it to myself. She asked for a detailed timeline of when it started, how often I saw her,

Do you see the contradiction there? She wishes you kept it to yourself but then she went on to ask you for more details.

It hurts but the truth needs to come out. All of it.

Every time you trickle truth, you hurt your BW more and you further hurt your chances for recovery.


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I'm holding back details on the number of times we had sex.

So you realize we're telling you this is a very bad idea, right?


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How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings and adding insult to injury?

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings and adding insult to injury?

Truthfully.


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Originally Posted by Dr Harley
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty (reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future) is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.

Link: Coping with Infidelity


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings and adding insult to injury?

Just suck it up and spill your guts. Don't try to gloss anything over because she will sense it and will eventually drag it out. Better to get every scrap out now so you can move on. If not, she will get it out, a death of a thousand cuts.


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I don't think you realize how DANGEROUS dishonesty is for marriage. Affairs and dishonesty go hand in hand.

And you have lived a SSL (secret second life) all of these years in order to keep your BW in the dark. This has become a bad habit that you are going to have to work HARD at changing.

As long as you do not believe in radical honesty - you are very dangerous to your wife and she would be better off moving on.

There are numerous articles regarding PORH on this site. I would encourage you to read them ALL.


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What you are doing to your wife is called 'trickle truth.' You are delivering the information a little bit over time, rather than just getting it all out on the table. It is like throwing gas on the fire of pain and deceit. You are basically CONTINUING to deceive her by straight out lying to her about the details. So your goal of being honest is not happening anyway, you are following up your confession with more deceit and lies. You say it is to protect her, but protecting her is telling her the TRUTH and letting he make her own decisions. Protecting her is not deceiving her and telling her lies. Telling her the TRUTH is not what is going to hurt her, the act of doing it in the first place is what is going to hurt her and thats already done...man up now and come clean.

Ask her if she would be willing to post on this forum. We can help her get through this.

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My wife is not ready to post on this forum, but I don't think she's completely ruled it out for the future.

She wants to talk to our former neighbor to get her version.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
My wife is not ready to post on this forum, but I don't think she's completely ruled it out for the future.

She wants to talk to our former neighbor to get her version.


That is precisely why not telling the whole truth is such a problem.


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You took a very important step by telling the truth.
The utter despair and hurt of your wife was probably not in the forefront of your mind back then.
Now that you have told her, there are a few things you can do for her:

Always tell her the truth. If, after some time she should learn to trust you again, even a minute lie, will set back your recovery to square one.

Do not give her the impression that your behaviour had anything to do with what she should have done better. Take full responsibility.

Give her time.

Affair proof your life.

Do everything you can do to make your marriage better than before. That is how you make ammends and give her "just compensation". You could use the book "surviving an affair" to help lead the way.


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Originally Posted by JamesNY
My wife doesn't know I've cheated and I'm not sure how to tell her. I want us to live the best life possible and I know for that to happen, I have to come clean.

Why come clean now? Cheaters rarely voluntarily confess out of the goodness of their heart. Did the OW threaten to out you because she wants more?

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P.s. Something about OP story doesn't add up.

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I decided to confess for two reasons. For one, I don't want to be that person that lies to his wife and family anymore.

The second reason is one of my wife's best friends found out that her husband cheated through someone else. She told my wife that it would've been better had her husband confessed himself. I thought I was doing the right thing by voluntarily confessing.

The other woman has been out of the picture for the last few years. I was never worried she would tell my wife and it doesn't matter now anyway, it's out in the open.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you read this?
What's Just Compensation?
Did you read this and listen to the radio clips in the thread?


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It is the right thing to do to confess James, you did the right thing.

Confessing was just the first step to this though. Many people who have affairs try to sweep the affair under the rug. They expect forgiveness, and sometimes the BS feels the need to 'forgive.' Dr Harley believes rather in just compensation. Brainhurts linked an article for you to read to find out what that is. You can provide your wife with JC by 1) affair proofing your marriage so that this can never, ever happen again, and 2) creating a better marriage than you have ever had. Are you willing to do these two things? If so, we can help you with the steps to do them.

If you are not willing to do these two things, your marriage will never really recover from this. Your wife will never feel safe again, and she will get more and more resentful over the years. She will likely continue to bring up this past affair and it will haunt your marriage forever. This is how most people end up after an affair. You do not want to live like this! But it doesn't have to be this way. You can put the affair behind you if you are willing to do the work, and can have a great marriage for the rest of your life instead.

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I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. My wife has decided today that she wants a separation. She isn't able to accept the number of times I had sex with the other woman; she just can't wrap her head around it.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you read this?
What's Just Compensation?
Did you read this and listen to the radio clips in the thread?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. My wife has decided today that she wants a separation. She isn't able to accept the number of times I had sex with the other woman; she just can't wrap her head around it.

James, I would keep trying to win her back. Keep in mind that it is her right to leave the marriage if she sees fit. Every betrayed spouse should have a right to make that choice. She may feel differently after she gets over the shock. If she does, we will be here to help.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I was never worried she would tell my wife and it doesn't matter now anyway, it's out in the open.

Why were you never worried that she would tell your wife? Because you had the affair under control? Because she "only" wanted sex? Most women will not engage in a sexual relationship with a man for over two years unless there is a significant emotional attachment and/or some promise made of a future together. I'm sorry, and maybe I should believe your newfound good intentions, but my spidey senses sense that there is much more to this "sex only", friends with benefits arrangement you had with this woman that dragged on for that long. If so, your wife needs to be told - ALL of it.

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There is nothing else and there was nothing beyond sex to our affair. When it started, the OW had gotten out of a long-term relationship and did not want a serious relationship or any sort of commitment. The arrangement we had was her idea and she was the aggressor. She had no desire to jeopardize my marriage or family, she was always friendly to my wife and kids when she ran into them.

She never said anything years ago, so I have no reason to believe she would come out of the woodwork now to tell my wife. We stopped having sex when the OW became serious with her boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
She had no desire to jeopardize my marriage or family, she was always friendly to my wife and kids when she ran into them.

Think about that statement.

Can you see how hurtful and ridiculous that sounds to your betrayed spouse or to anyone for that matter?

Stop defending OW and minimizing the affair. That will not help you recover your marriage.

Stick around. MB is your best chance to learn how to redeem yourself.





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Originally Posted by JamesNY
She had no desire to jeopardize my marriage or family, she was always friendly to my wife and kids when she ran into them.

I hope you read this statement again and realize how irrational it really is. If she didn't want to hurt your family she wouldn't be rolling around in the pig pen with you. She not only jeopardized your marriage but she jeopardized your health and that of your wife by exposing you both to STDs. It is disgusting that she was so shameless she would actually show her face to her victims, your wife and children.

Quote
She never said anything years ago, so I have no reason to believe she would come out of the woodwork now to tell my wife. We stopped having sex when the OW became serious with her boyfriend.

I am not sure what it is that makes you believe she wouldn't tell your wife. Or try to resume the affair with you. She would do whatever her selfish interests dictate because she surely didn't care about anything else.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I don't know for sure that she wouldn't tell my wife. She's married now and I don't see a reason for why she would want to blow up her marriage.

When we were in the affair, we had a close call of getting caught by her now-husband. She made up an excuse for me being at her apartment, so that made it clear that she didn't want anyone to know about the affair.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
She's married now

If you haven't seen OW in several years how do you know she's married? How did you come by this little tidbit of info?

Another question: did you ever have sex in your apartment? In the marital bed? On the couch? Anywhere? Your wife has a right to know these things too.

If you're truly remorseful and not just BS-ing us (and more importantly, your wife), I would pay for and follow through with a polygraph answering all these questions and
more so that your wife can get some minimal sense of closure and validation of her reality. Ask her if she would be willing to write down all of the questions she has about the affair - the whos, what's, when's, and where's - and then answer them. Then in your polygraph, the tester should ask whether you answered all of those questions truthfully. Take the initiative and do the heavy lifting if you want any hope of a future with your poor BW.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
she was the aggressor

Oh boy. Did you tell your wife this when you confessed? More importantly, do you really believe that this fact (if it's even true) makes you somehow less culpable?

Did OW hold a gun to your head? If not, then you had better knock off that kind of weasel-y, blame-shifting rationalization real quick. You were 100% responsible for what happened. 100%.

I'm sorry but the fact that you are framing it this way to us - people who don't even know you - makes me think, again, that there is another reason for this voluntary, ou-of-the-goodness-of-your-heart confession. You can be sure that your wife will think this, too.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. My wife has decided today that she wants a separation. She isn't able to accept the number of times I had sex with the other woman; she just can't wrap her head around it.

I don't blame her. She shouldn't *have* to accept or wrap her head around anything. I also don't think you're giving us or her the full story. The minimization is strong with this one...

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Did you read the Just Compensation article that was linked?

Right now your BW is very hurt. She has every right to separate or divorce over this, nobody would blame her if she did. But if you do not want that to happen, you can take some steps to win back her affections. It may or may not work, but it is your best shot at saving your marriage and having a happy marriage in the future.

First, you want her to know that this is never ever going to happen again. Not because you say so, because your words mean nothing to her right now. But because you are willing to set up your life in a way that makes having another affair next to impossible. What has been done from this list of precautions that Dr Harley outlines in his book "Surviving an Affair?"


_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

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As was already advised to you, I would also schedule a polygraph for yourself. Have your BW create a list of questions, as many as she wants answered, and answer them 100% truthfully. She can work with the polygrapher to determine which ones will be used on the actual test.

Are you willing to do this?

Understand right now that she was blindsided. Right now she is wondering how many more there were, if you watch porn, if you have sex with prostitutes, the list goes on. All she knows for sure is that the reality she thought she knew was a sham, and that you can lie to her for years and she is none the wiser, so there is no end to what you *could* have done that she was the non the wiser about. If you pass a polygraph it will be an opportunity for you to confirm that you are now being honest (if you are).

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I know she's married because my wife told me when she saw the wedding pictures; they're friends on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook and have not contacted the OW at all. When I say she was the aggressor, I meant she's the one who initiated and made the first move. I willingly went along, I'm not trying to minimize that.

My wife has asked every question on her mind and I've done my best to answer. Since this was years ago, exact dates and certain details are difficult to remember. She knows roughly how many times I had sex with the OW, the days of the week and the time when I saw her, the places we met (mostly the OW's apartment, sometimes our apartment and then when we moved into our house).

I will suggest a polygraph to my wife, I think she will be receptive.

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Does the OW live nearby? Is it possible to run into her on occasion?

Did you read about Just Compensation?

How did you go about maintaining an affair for two years without your wife knowing? Do you have password protected phone/email/social media accounts that your wife does not have access to? Or did you carry on the affair using a burner phone or other secret device? How and when did you meet OW for sex? Do you have a job that is flexible and does not have accountability?

I am asking these questions because these are opportunities for you to have another affair. I don't care about the details of your affair as much as the conditions that were present that made it possible. Maybe you are thinking that this will never happen again, but realize that your wife does not know that and will not feel safe as long as the conditions that made the last affair possible are not changed.


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you read this?
What's Just Compensation?
Did you read this and listen to the radio clips in the thread?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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James it's time to get your BW
to post here for support and for
here to see that recovery done the
right way can be successful.

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I don't know where the OW lives or if she lives nearby. Neither my wife or I have run into her anywhere.

When the affair was going on, the OW would email me at work or text me. I had her name stored as something else and we would text in code so if my wife did see it, she would think I was meeting a friend to work out at the gym. That's how the affair was able to go on as long as it did. My wife thought I was at the gym in the evenings, but I was with the OW. I would also see her some weekend mornings, telling my wife I was at the gym or playing tennis. My wife would take the kids on play dates with other moms and when that happened, the OW would come over to our apartment. I saw the OW less when we bought our house, but same excuses.

I don't think my wife is ready to talk about this with anyone, but I will tell her about this forum.

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Do I understand correctly OW came to the house you currently live in?

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She came to our current house a few times when we had just moved in.

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You need to move. The house will always be a trigger and a cruel place for your wife. As an extraordinary precaution you need to move.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
She came to our current house a few times when we had just moved in.
Does your BW know this?

Have you read the article on Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My BW does know I've had sex in our house with the OW, but she hasn't said anything about wanting to move.

Yes, I did read the article.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
My BW does know I've had sex in our house with the OW, but she hasn't said anything about wanting to move.

Yes, I did read the article.
Why don't you offer to move?

What did you understand about Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My BW loves the house, the street we live on, and the neighborhood in general. If she's happy, I don't want to take it away from her. If she does say she wants to move, I will be fully supportive.

What I understood about just compensation is I need to take steps to show my wife that I'm a safe partner and another affair will not happen. I've done this by giving her the passcode and passwords to my mobile phone, work phone, personal and work email addresses. I'm not on any social media. I don't go to happy hours with coworkers, I don't have female friends or interact with females outside of the office or my wife's relatives.

I have taken a lot of steps over the years to prevent another affair from happening, I just haven't articulated them to my BW because she didn't know about the affair until now. I'm transparent with her and I will do whatever she needs me to do to feel safe and that I'm valuing our marriage.

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You don't understand the impact of triggers yet. Triggers prevent recovery.

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Originally Posted by JamesNY
I have taken a lot of steps over the years to prevent another affair from happening, I just haven't articulated them to my BW because she didn't know about the affair until now. I'm transparent with her and I will do whatever she needs me to do to feel safe and that I'm valuing our marriage.
For you, the affair was years back. For your wife, it feels like it is happening today, plus she has to deal with several years of dishonesty. You need to understand that.

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