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Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
R
Junior Member
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R
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
Hello everyone

I never thought I would be on this site again, but here I am.

I was here back in 2006 after my husband had a long term affair with a psychopath that tried to poison me. That is past and have gone through hell trying to move on from it.

I am devastated once again.
We have read every article and book but I don't have the strength to try anything right now. I'm trying to just get through the next 10 min.
The thought of ever having sex with this man makes me want to vomit.

Now I found he is on many bottom of the barrel dating sites including one which most are cops.
The gals he is talking to are 20-39, he is 62. He talked to them late at night after I go to bed. He has a tablet which is hard for me to get around to find things. I am still looking and find more every day. I think he may have bought another tablet because now (yesterday) I find conversations in the trash in his email which was empty before. He may have a secret cell phone but I haven't found it yet.I am worried for my children and grandchildren that he will get caught up in one of those stings. Been a lot of arrests around here.

When I confronted him, he said he had no intention of ever meeting anyone. Even after I showed him emails saying things like he was looking for long term sex, he is ready and distance is no problem, etc. I saw one from a gal that said "just let me know the details". Sounds like plans to meet to me. He must think I'm stupid.

This all started around the middle of August. He never comes home from work and is gone on weekends until I discovered this on his tablet. A lot of money is missing from around that time also so I feel he did meet up with someone. I keep finding more on the tablet but have only found his part of one email, etc. Now he comes home right after work.

I think he bought another tablet because I now find emails in the trash that was empty before. I'm searching for a secret phone because several girls gave their phone numbers.

He's going through the routine again of saying he's sorry and he will never do it again. Yah right.

I am disabled (auto immune disease) and stress causes my immune system to attack various organs.

Due to my lack of energy and brain fog, I can't keep up to him to check on him. I can't take being lied to anymore.

His last affair caused me to lose my job, our business, almost our house and my life.

In 2006 I bought all the books and we went through counseling with Steve Harley. Didn't help at all. We just ended up $8,000 in debt we couldn't afford.

I don't know what to do. I can't afford an apartment because rent is more than my disability. I feel so trapped with no where to go.

Thank you for reading

Rebooted

I'm 61, WS 62
Married 43 years
3 grown boys


Rebooted
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
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U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Welcome back rebooted but I am sorry for the reasons that brought you back frown

It sounds like you never recovered from the last affair because you never changed the lifestyle that allows him to cheat. You reference him not coming home after work, being away weekends, having devices that you do not have access to, and many other opportunities for him to do whatever he wants with no accountability.

But the main issue here is not just about a lack of EP's, but the fact that your WH is a serial cheater who is actively seeking affairs and probably has been for far longer than you suspect. Recovering from infidelity with such a cheater is far more difficult, because they are ACTIVELY SEEKING affairs. He is looking for ways to get around you to cheat. Which means you would have to create a lifestyle that makes cheating 100% impossible to be safe again. This means he would have to leave his job and be with you 100% of the time, have no access to computers or smart phones, never be allowed out of your sight as he will actively seek an affair. And you would have to keep this diligence up for the rest of your lives. If you do not do this, he WILL cheat again when he has the opportunity to, you know this because you have already been through this.

If he is willing to completely change his lifestyle and make it impossible to have another affair, and you are willing to also change yours to monitor him, there might be a chance. I am guessing he is not, and you don't seem to want to do this either. I know I personally would not want to live like this.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Hi Rebooted, Marriage Builders is a very effective program but it can't help a serial cheater. Your H is out actively looking for action so nothing you learn here could help with that.

My suggestion would be to give him an ultimatum of radically changing his lifestyle so you are together 24/7. He would have to give up any computers, smart phones, ipads so he could not ever troll for action again. If he won't do that, then this is hopeless. I would give him that option and if he refuses, you should ask him to move out and go into a dark Plan B.

What was your previous posting name?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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