My wife and I started dating in 2012 when she was 19 and I was 26. I had a son from a previous marriage. I left that marriage after being cheated on for the fourth time and now have custody of my son.

We dated approximately a year then got married. The first couple of years were great, we loved and laughed and enjoyed one another and welcomed a beautiful baby girl.

Along the way I took a second full time job, as a Deputy Sheriff, so that we could be financially secure and was working 84 a week and our marriage started to go down in a hurry. She has always struggled with depression because of a less than glamours child hood and her mother dying in a car crash when she was 14.

She wanted to start school this past January so I made that possible with working and grants etc. In May I found out she was having an emotional affair with someone from school. After a lot of arguing, we decided on going to a counselor and Church. I know that affair was broke off; However, she rarely attended Church without an argument and only went to counseling 4-5. When the counselor started in on what she was doing wrong she shut down and decided not to go back.

She also started working at a bar and grill over the summer, at first promising me she would only work days and if it became a problem she would quit her job to save our marriage. She eventually went to all nights so we were rarely seeing one another and I was very upset at the setting that she was working in, which caused a lot of resentment and arguing.

One night I got so mad at the fact that she was working on my only days off and we both said we were done. A weeks later I moved out. We have since signed separation papers and have to wait a year for the divorce to be final.

I have also learned that she was "dating" another guy who had just left his wife but I am not sure how accurate that is. I know they have been seen together on multiple occasions but not in a private setting. On that same note I am not innocent either, I have talked other women as well just not physically seeing one another.

I have all the regret in the world of moving out and saying I was done and I have voiced this to her however she has stated that we are two different people now and that she doesn't think we should be together anymore. That she is not coming back.

Since then I have stopped pressuring her and have laid back and only been there as support and guidance when she calls or ask for it. I can tell she is opening up to me a little by some of the text she sends or calls she makes about our daughter, but I am afraid to get my hopes up and misreading what I am seeing.

I want her back desperately, however if she is not willing to go to counseling and Church I know it will fail again. I take my son and daughter to Church and bible school on Sundays and Wednesday night prayer and have truly enjoyed being back in church ( I was saved in 2008 but moved away from God)

I have read a lot of places that I need to give her space and just show her the man I becoming and want to be and let her make the decision to come back. I just do not know if this is correct.

Please, any advice is welcome. I want my wife and family back.

I want to also write a disclaimer in I have painted a picture that I have done no wrong. I have done a lot of things wrong and I own up to each and everything that I have done. I am just to much to blame if not more so than she is. I know this may seemed jumbled because my thoughts are all over the place and I'm trying to include as much pertinent information as I can.

Thank you again.

Hi Klayton, welcome to Marriage Builders. There is alot of very bad advice on the internet and you will find that Marriage Builders program is completely different from the typical "wisdom." For example, giving her space makes no sense when it was too much "space" that wrecked your marriage.

Your lifestyles of putting your careers before your marriage has wrecked your marriage. You can't sustain a marriage when you are not together every day.


Neither counseling or church will save your marriage. What will save your marriage is if you change your lifestyles to complement your marriage. That means getting jobs that don't wreck your marriage.

My suggestion would be to do everything to woo her back. If you can motivate her to save the marriage we can help you if you will change your lifestyles. If you all won't change your lifestyles, there isn't much hope.

I have dropped down to part time with the Sheriff's Office and only work the weekends that I do not have my children. So I am now at my home every night. I have rededicated myself to Church and God and doing the best I can to be a Godly influence on my children.

It seems like the more I push right now the more she shuts me down. I'm afraid if I push too much right now I might make her close up.

I have been trying to be there for her when she ask my opinion, listening to her when she voices her opinion and not getting angry when I don't agree.

How do I woo someone who only sees contentment when she looks at me?

I apologize if I sound like i'm arguing, I am trying to understand what to do without becoming over bearing.

If you wanted to pursue a woman, what would you do?

Such as:
-ask her out for dates
-invite her to fun outings with her children
-go for a walk together and listen to her hopes and dreams

Think about all of the ways you pursued her when the two of you fell in love.

Many marriages make the mistake of changing all of the things they did when they were dating and fell in love, not realizing if you completely change your behaviors, you will get completely different results. This is why many married couples fall out of love with each other.

Klayton, anger is an absolute and total love/marriage killer. Marriages can survive affairs, but they cannot survive an angry spouse.

Do you have anger outbursts in your marriage?

Thats a great head start. Another thing for future reference is that working in a bar is a marriage killer. I would discuss this if you get a chance to reconcile.


Don't push.


That is a good start. I would focus on ways to make yourself very attractive.

ALSO, have you been in touch with her boyfriends wife to see what is going on there?

I will definitely try those things. Though I know right now she will tell me no. Hunting season is coming up and she loves to hunt so I will try to take her then. Right now she is so resentful that any attempt in my taking her anywhere will be met with rejection. Our anniversary is Nov 2, so I am getting her a little butterfly necklace, (she associates butterflies with her deceased mother) and some flowers.

Yes, unfortunately we both had outburst of anger. I was getting very little sleep and aggravated a lot of the time. One of the many mistakes I made.

Working in a bar is definitely a marriage killer, regardless if it is a restaurant too or not. So that will be discussed in depth if we decided to reconcile. I have not contacted the "boyfriend" but I have spoken with his ex wife. She is the one who told me they were "dating" and that he cheated on her 2-3 times and has a gambling problem. But he is also at the bar all the time drinking and is the complete opposite type of man she has ever been interested in. So maybe it is a emotional crisis with the 10 year anniversary of her mothers death. I'm not sure but she has always had emotional/depression issues. That is another reason I do not want to give up. I feel as though she is going through an emotional crisis and if I abandon her what type of man am I? She stated at one point she felt abandoned by God because of her mother.

You must focus very diligently on never having another anger outburst at your wife, because one angry outburst will erase about 100 efforts of pursuit that you have made.

What do you think of this link?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3401_angry.html

That is very insightful and I agree completely. As a Deputy Sheriff I had to maintain control and be in charge. My philosophy was: I ask you, I tell you, I make you. That works exceptionally well for Law Enforcement but horrible for a marriage. Could be why the divorce rate for LEO are so high. I really appreciate you bringing that article to my attention. Not having to be in control all the time is what I am working with my counselor with.

She is in nursing school right now and going through clinical s as we speak. So I know the waitress job is only temporary. She states that it is the only place she can work 20 hours a week and bring home $2000.00 a month which is very true. I have given her the option of quitting all together and just concentrate on school and we will work everything else out but she refuses. And that was before we separated. I also gave her that option last week, at which point she screamed at me that was a stupid idea that we were not getting back together. Though I have seen a change in her demeanor towards me since I told her I would not give up until the divorce was final in 11 months.

Klayton, her affair will start to fall apart because the OM is a selfish rat. All the traits that made the affair possible, selfishness, dishonestly, deceit will eventually ruin their affair.

As it crumbles, you can be the safe place to land if you really do a great Plan A. It will take time, but you have a major competitive advantage over the OM. The odds are in your favor because he will move on at the first sign of conflict. He is also a serial cheater.

That's a great realization.

Here's why that doesn't work for a marriage:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html

Here's a better way:

The Policy of Joint Agreement
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse.

Here's how to achieve that:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

I agree with you. He is not her type at all but probably just telling her what she wants to hear. Things that I stopped telling her and showing her.

I also agree that I was a taker. For the first 3 years of our marriage she gave with her whole heart and I just took. When we first started dating I would try do help with cleaning the house and cooking etc. and she would always tell me to stop that it was her job to do those things. So I stopped and she started to resent me for it. Well I never should have stopped I should have just done it with her.

It's possible that she was meeting more of your needs than you were meeting of her needs. When her needs weren't being met, and your taker was winning at the expense of her giver, the balance in her love bank started dropping.

Here's a great article about how to successfully meet your wife's needs:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Again very insightful. I really wish I would have found this site last May when we everything started falling apart instead of now when were on the cusps of getting a divorce. Sometimes I get down and feel as though I am just wasting my time.

I can appreciate this; however there are 11 months between now and a possible divorce so you have nothing but time in the meanwhile, right?

You might want to look for an opportunity to bring up what you learned about the giver/taker and how to brainstorm until you are both enthusiastic about a solution. You could suggest that the two of you try it on the next item you need to discuss/resolve.

Be sure to carry through very carefully on these new methods of improvement. You need to give her hope that you have learned something and are strong enough, resourceful enough to see the change through.

If you preach a great story but can't implement it, she won't have hope that there will be a difference.

Act strategically, not emotionally.

For now, don't tell her about this site, though.

We will be your resource to help break up her affair and win her back. You don't want her to find your thread and see the strategy you may need to deploy.

Your right. I have to give it over to God and if I don't fight for it, it wont happen. I need to concentrate on my walk with Jesus and ensure my kids are walking with me. Hopefully she will see what that is accomplishing in mine and the kids lives.