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Here is an epic account of another LEO pursuing his wife and winning her back:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2798330&page=1

It's a long read but will give you many examples of Plan A behavior in the face of devilish opposition. At one point his wife had him involuntarily hospitalized in a mental health institution.

However, they are happily recovered today.

Last edited by Sunnytimes; 10/27/17 02:51 PM.
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Originally Posted by Klayton
Again very insightful. I really wish I would have found this site last May when we everything started falling apart instead of now when were on the cusps of getting a divorce. Sometimes I get down and feel as though I am just wasting my time.

K, I just want to point out that the biggest problems in your marriage were a) your careers and b) her inappropriate boundaries with men. When a couple does not see each other, they obviously cannot meet each others needs. This is why Dr Harley encourages couples to never work opposing shifts.

So, first focus on the FRAMEWORK that allowed your marriage to fall apart. It is great that you work a normal shift, but keep in mind, there are 2 sides to this. She must also have a job that complements your marriage if your marriage is to work.

The other issue is her inappropriate boundaries with men. You can meet her needs 100% and it will make no difference if she has no boundaries. She will have more affairs regardless of what you do.

And lastly, do you like housework? Does she like you to do housework? My husband does not like housework and I don't ask him to do that. I want to do that. I think there is a assumption of the part of most men that doing housework is this wonderful thing but it does not create romantic love.

It is the intimate emotional needs that create the greatest deposits that lead to romantic love: affection, conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment. Doing housework is not an intimate EN and won't create romantic love. The intimate emotional needs are where you should focus all your attention.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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To my knowledge the inappropriate boudanries with men started in recently. However, I guess I am being naive. That type of behavior doesnt typically just manifest itself. Also, I don't mind house work necessarily I just wanted to help. Her lawyer advised her that she can go and do as she pleases, even date, because we are legally seperated. I guess that is where morals come in. But again I'm not innocent in that regard, I have talked to other women I normally wouldn't have if my wife and I were still together.

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Originally Posted by Klayton
To my knowledge the inappropriate boudanries with men started in recently. However, I guess I am being naive.

It sounds very much like her affair started before you separated. That type of behavior is very typical with most spouses and it sounds like she has a problem.

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But again I'm not innocent in that regard, I have talked to other women I normally wouldn't have if my wife and I were still together.

The same applies to you. You know you are married.

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Also, I don't mind house work necessarily I just wanted to help. Her lawyer advised her that she can go and do as she pleases, even date, because we are legally seperated.

Ok, but her lawyer is not the arbiter of morality. Being separated means she is married. Dating people when you are married is infidelity. Her lawyer is not in a position to justify adultery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with you. I do believe that it started before we were seperated and before he was separated from his wife. You are also correct in the fact that I am still legally married and should refrain. When I mentioned get lawyer I was simply stating the law, not that I agree with it or it was right.

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But it goes to question if this is a serial thing from her, is there a point and trying again. My first wife cheated on me 4 times and I went through so much pain. I don't know if I can handle that again.

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Originally Posted by Klayton
But it goes to question if this is a serial thing from her, is there a point and trying again. My first wife cheated on me 4 times and I went through so much pain. I don't know if I can handle that again.

We can help you affair proof your marriage. If you will do the legwork now, we can help you with marital recovery once you get to that point. Once you get to that point, if she wouldn't agree to the necessary steps to protect your marriage, we would tell you to move on. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain at this point.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As you can probably tell I go back and forth on this issue at times. I know I love my wife and want a loving Godly relationship but I'm also so scared.

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That is very true

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Klayton, I'm not the top surviving and affair expert, so if Melody or the others chime in they may see it different.

However, having decided to save your marriage, and having already started to change your lifestyle to accommodate a marriage,your next course of action would be to interfere in the growing romance she has with this other guy.

Do you know who it is?

He has probably been told that your marriage is over and that you're separated. A lot of people don't have a problem dating separated women who is in the process of a divorce (still wrong!) but they would have a problem dating a woman who is in a marriage that still has some hope/life to it.

Can you pay him a visit to let him know she has children who desperately want her to come home and a husband who loves her and is going to fight for the marriage? Ask him to leave her alone and look for someone else. Make sure he understands that it will be much more trouble for him to pursue your wife than to look for someone unentangled.

It may not take much to persuade him to leave her alone.

Wear your phone in your shirt pocket recording the conversation so you have evidence that it was not a threatening or assaulting conversation.

Now **THIS** is a mission where you can ask, (skip tell), and then make. If he doesn't go away you can escalate your demands in a way that makes pursuing your wife waaaay too much trouble.




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The original guy is history I have got confirmation on that. Last night after getting off work she went to another bar with friends not sure what all happened. I friend told me but wasn't drinking or with a guy. This morning she starts off by sendinf me a 2 year old picture of the kids and we have a nice conversation. Later we were talking and she admitted that she sometimes second guessed this decision. Its nothing major but its a start.

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But then she started getting angry and said she didn't want to have this conversation so.....Idk

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Originally Posted by Klayton
But then she started getting angry and said she didn't want to have this conversation so.....Idk


Just stick with it! You have nothing to lose.

Is she an alcoholic or a drug addict?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No, never really drank at all and doesnt use drugs at all.

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Today was a pretty good day. We talked and actually joked a little. I told her I have to be out of town for a week for SWAT school and she became extremely angry. Not sure if its jealousy or mad that I wont be around to help with baby.

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If she became angry, something must not have worked for her.

She may have perceived this as an independent behavior, leaving her with consequences that were inconvenient to her.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3406_independent.html

This could be an opportunity to brainstorm together what works for her better.

Can you circle back to find out what her concerns are so you can brainstorm solutions?

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She probably got angry because her mask slipped. She is missing her family, questioning her decision and got angry because she showed her hand. Klayton, this is a sign that she is very confused which means you need to keep it up. Whatever you do, don't get angry BACK at her.

And I would not recommend trying to practice the POJA with a wayward. That is a step for recovery that takes long practice. A couple in conflict is not skilled or prepared to negotiate.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I later found out that what she told me was a lie. She stayed out all night Friday night, rode around in a truck drinking with 2 other men. Had someone, who no have arrested for drugs, drive her home,because she was too drunk and then stayed the night with her. Yesterday, I asked her about all this and how she is becoming a person she hated a year ago and she stated she just wanted to have fun. I know she is just masking her pain but what she is doing is so detrimental to her character and self-esteem though she thinks it is building her up. She also informed me that she hated me and I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. I know it was anger talking. I just said that I'm sorry she felt that way.

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One thing I have noticed during several conversations is that she says, " I don't THINK we can be together." Now as a cop I've been trained to pick up on little clues like certain words used, mannerisms, etc. During interviews. This to me seems like one of those times where her word usage gives her away. But I may be too close to situation.

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Not sure if anyone is even reading this thread anymore but today is our 4 year anniversary and I asked her to consider coming back and she said no her mind is made up. Very heart breaking.

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