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Have you told your DS the truth? That she is having an affair instead of �we just don�t get along anymore�? No one likes being lied to and children are no exception.


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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That affair has ended. I'm not sure what she is doing now. So what course of action should I take?

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Klayton
Yeah, I have read that article and I have read the love bank. But I swear its like she closed her account to me.
If she is still in her affair her love bank is closed to you. And if you are sure the affair has ended she will be going through withdrawal.

Klayton had posted earlier that she recently went out to a bar after work, became too drunk to drive home and the man who did drive her home spent the night with her.

Klayton, how is she able to have all of this freedom after work to do this seeing she has a three year old daughter?

Brainhurts and Melody Lane, would you recommend he expose this recent one night stand affair as well?

It seems like she has moved on and is having too much fun to be in withdrawal.

Other than continuing to reach out, is there anything strategic he should be doing such as not accommodating daycare after her work, etc.?

Klayton, how is she paying for her expenses? Are you contributing in any way?

You are still moved out and she is still in the family home, correct?

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Originally Posted by Klayton
I invited her to a family outing Saturday and she completely,rejected me saying she had to work and that she wished In would stop trying. That we are over and will,never get back together. But it never fails she will,text me sometime during the day lookojg for something or,some trivial,thing. Which brings me to my,having her cake and eating it too,analogy. She gets a husband but gets what she wants to do too. Also, with having a child exchange etc. Plan B would be difficult.

Just catching up on your thread. We have people who have infants who successfully do Plan B. They find a way to do the child exchanges without breaching their Plan B.

However, you should stay in Plan A as long as you can. If it is too much for you, you can go into Plan B. The point of Plan A is to compete with the OM. Your other plan, Plan C, only made the OM look better. I would suggest you try and think strategically about this plan instead of reactive.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Klayton
Yeah, I have read that article and I have read the love bank. But I swear its like she closed her account to me.

Of course it is. You won't be able to meet many needs in Plan A, but you do your best to present an attractive front so she remembers this when you close the door in Plan B.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Klayton
That affair has ended. I'm not sure what she is doing now. So what course of action should I take?

Did you tell the child the truth about the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you. She just called me again today about trivial stuff and text me yesterday. I have not told my son the truth about the affair I guess because if we do get back together I didnt want him to look at her badly. She already has a step-mom complex.

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Originally Posted by Klayton
Thank you. She just called me again today about trivial stuff and text me yesterday. I have not told my son the truth about the affair I guess because if we do get back together I didnt want him to look at her badly. She already has a step-mom complex.

Your son needs to know the truth. Lies and illusions don't make children happy or secure, they cause moral confusion. He needs to know the real reasons why you separated. That is only fair to him. Not telling him the truth only leaves him wide open to the lies your wife may tell him.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr. Harley on telling the children:



The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur. An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.





Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what. When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.





The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under) Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).





My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas. The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.


Go to 8:40 in this clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3694

and then it finishes up here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3695


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Klayton
She is 24, we got married when she was 20. My daughter is too young to understand. I told my son that we just couldn't get along anymore.
Is she at least 4? Dr. Harley says children as young as 4 should be told.
Read this and listen to the radio clips in here Exposing to Children
Did you ever read this thread?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, I read it the first time it was posted. I am away on business this week so I will be unable to talk to my son regarding the situation.

As far as plan A and Plan B go. She called and texted me again today because she had a question about something someone else could have answered. How do I accomplish plan B successfully with having a child and needing to communicate.

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Originally Posted by Klayton
How do I accomplish plan B successfully with having a child and needing to communicate.
You don't. Until you need to be (and can be) in plan B, plan A is your plan.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
However, you should stay in Plan A as long as you can. If it is too much for you, you can go into Plan B. The point of Plan A is to compete with the OM. Your other plan, Plan C, only made the OM look better. I would suggest you try and think strategically about this plan instead of reactive.

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I didn't see an answer to my question about Klayton's wife's recent ONS.

He exposed the initial affair and her family was upset at her, taking Klayton's side.

This ONS happened recently after his wife's work shift while they were separated. Should he expose that as well?

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I don't think so. The reason is because she is out living the single life and it will have little effect. The fallout will not be worth the effort.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Plan A is starting to take its toll on me emotionally and physically. I have lost 25lbs in 2 months, constantly down and worrying. I love my wife desperately but to be continually shut down is taking its toll. That is why I was suggesting plan B.

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Originally Posted by Klayton
Plan A is starting to take its toll on me emotionally and physically. I have lost 25lbs in 2 months, constantly down and worrying. I love my wife desperately but to be continually shut down is taking its toll. That is why I was suggesting plan B.
Have you asked your doctor for some temporary ADs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Klayton
Yes, I read it the first time it was posted. I am away on business this week so I will be unable to talk to my son regarding the situation.

As far as plan A and Plan B go. She called and texted me again today because she had a question about something someone else could have answered. How do I accomplish plan B successfully with having a child and needing to communicate.

Klayton, you would need initiate Plan B by sending her a letter asking her not to contact you anymore. Any contact would have to come through a designated intermediary. You need to pick someone who would agree to act as a spam filter and would only pass on pertinent information in their own word. They would only pass on pertinent information about finances or children. Child exchanges would have to be managed so you don't see or speak to your wife.

Other things to think about would be changing your #, email address or blocking her so she can't get through. You need to anticipate any possible way she could get through and block that avenue.

Read up here and come back and let's discuss: Plan B


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Today was 10 year anniversary of her mothers death. So I placed some flowers in her car for the grave site. We walked outside when I was leaving. She got real excited when she saw them but attitude changer when she learned they were from me. Acted annoyed. Its difficult with plan A with reactions like those.

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Yes, he has put Me on some AD but is concerned about my weight lost. 30lbs.....

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Last couple of days has been interesting. She heard another rumor that I went on a date, I did not. When I said I knew that information hurt her she just said she was curious and would not admit it hurt her. Then last night she called to talk because her sisters boyfriend is a cop too and they were going through some of the same pitfalls we did and asked what to tell him. I simply told her to tell him to set him down and explain what he is in danger of losing. The most important thing in the world. This morning she invited me to go to the Dr. With her and our youngest daughter. Might have been so that I would pay and she wouldnt habe too but that is the negative side of me.

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