My wife and I started dating in 2012 when she was 19 and I was 26. I had a son from a previous marriage. I left that marriage after being cheated on for the fourth time and now have custody of my son.

We dated approximately a year then got married. The first couple of years were great, we loved and laughed and enjoyed one another and welcomed a beautiful baby girl.

Along the way I took a second full time job, as a Deputy Sheriff, so that we could be financially secure and was working 84 a week and our marriage started to go down in a hurry. She has always struggled with depression because of a less than glamours child hood and her mother dying in a car crash when she was 14.

She wanted to start school this past January so I made that possible with working and grants etc. In May I found out she was having an emotional affair with someone from school. After a lot of arguing, we decided on going to a counselor and Church. I know that affair was broke off; However, she rarely attended Church without an argument and only went to counseling 4-5. When the counselor started in on what she was doing wrong she shut down and decided not to go back.

She also started working at a bar and grill over the summer, at first promising me she would only work days and if it became a problem she would quit her job to save our marriage. She eventually went to all nights so we were rarely seeing one another and I was very upset at the setting that she was working in, which caused a lot of resentment and arguing.

One night I got so mad at the fact that she was working on my only days off and we both said we were done. A weeks later I moved out. We have since signed separation papers and have to wait a year for the divorce to be final.

I have also learned that she was "dating" another guy who had just left his wife but I am not sure how accurate that is. I know they have been seen together on multiple occasions but not in a private setting. On that same note I am not innocent either, I have talked other women as well just not physically seeing one another.

I have all the regret in the world of moving out and saying I was done and I have voiced this to her however she has stated that we are two different people now and that she doesn't think we should be together anymore. That she is not coming back.

Since then I have stopped pressuring her and have laid back and only been there as support and guidance when she calls or ask for it. I can tell she is opening up to me a little by some of the text she sends or calls she makes about our daughter, but I am afraid to get my hopes up and misreading what I am seeing.

I want her back desperately, however if she is not willing to go to counseling and Church I know it will fail again. I take my son and daughter to Church and bible school on Sundays and Wednesday night prayer and have truly enjoyed being back in church ( I was saved in 2008 but moved away from God)

I have read a lot of places that I need to give her space and just show her the man I becoming and want to be and let her make the decision to come back. I just do not know if this is correct.

Please, any advice is welcome. I want my wife and family back.

I want to also write a disclaimer in I have painted a picture that I have done no wrong. I have done a lot of things wrong and I own up to each and everything that I have done. I am just to much to blame if not more so than she is. I know this may seemed jumbled because my thoughts are all over the place and I'm trying to include as much pertinent information as I can.

Thank you again.

Hi Klayton, welcome to Marriage Builders. There is alot of very bad advice on the internet and you will find that Marriage Builders program is completely different from the typical "wisdom." For example, giving her space makes no sense when it was too much "space" that wrecked your marriage.

Your lifestyles of putting your careers before your marriage has wrecked your marriage. You can't sustain a marriage when you are not together every day.


Neither counseling or church will save your marriage. What will save your marriage is if you change your lifestyles to complement your marriage. That means getting jobs that don't wreck your marriage.

My suggestion would be to do everything to woo her back. If you can motivate her to save the marriage we can help you if you will change your lifestyles. If you all won't change your lifestyles, there isn't much hope.

I have dropped down to part time with the Sheriff's Office and only work the weekends that I do not have my children. So I am now at my home every night. I have rededicated myself to Church and God and doing the best I can to be a Godly influence on my children.

It seems like the more I push right now the more she shuts me down. I'm afraid if I push too much right now I might make her close up.

I have been trying to be there for her when she ask my opinion, listening to her when she voices her opinion and not getting angry when I don't agree.

How do I woo someone who only sees contentment when she looks at me?

I apologize if I sound like i'm arguing, I am trying to understand what to do without becoming over bearing.

If you wanted to pursue a woman, what would you do?

Such as:
-ask her out for dates
-invite her to fun outings with her children
-go for a walk together and listen to her hopes and dreams

Think about all of the ways you pursued her when the two of you fell in love.

Many marriages make the mistake of changing all of the things they did when they were dating and fell in love, not realizing if you completely change your behaviors, you will get completely different results. This is why many married couples fall out of love with each other.

Klayton, anger is an absolute and total love/marriage killer. Marriages can survive affairs, but they cannot survive an angry spouse.

Do you have anger outbursts in your marriage?

Thats a great head start. Another thing for future reference is that working in a bar is a marriage killer. I would discuss this if you get a chance to reconcile.


Don't push.


That is a good start. I would focus on ways to make yourself very attractive.

ALSO, have you been in touch with her boyfriends wife to see what is going on there?

I will definitely try those things. Though I know right now she will tell me no. Hunting season is coming up and she loves to hunt so I will try to take her then. Right now she is so resentful that any attempt in my taking her anywhere will be met with rejection. Our anniversary is Nov 2, so I am getting her a little butterfly necklace, (she associates butterflies with her deceased mother) and some flowers.

Yes, unfortunately we both had outburst of anger. I was getting very little sleep and aggravated a lot of the time. One of the many mistakes I made.

Working in a bar is definitely a marriage killer, regardless if it is a restaurant too or not. So that will be discussed in depth if we decided to reconcile. I have not contacted the "boyfriend" but I have spoken with his ex wife. She is the one who told me they were "dating" and that he cheated on her 2-3 times and has a gambling problem. But he is also at the bar all the time drinking and is the complete opposite type of man she has ever been interested in. So maybe it is a emotional crisis with the 10 year anniversary of her mothers death. I'm not sure but she has always had emotional/depression issues. That is another reason I do not want to give up. I feel as though she is going through an emotional crisis and if I abandon her what type of man am I? She stated at one point she felt abandoned by God because of her mother.

You must focus very diligently on never having another anger outburst at your wife, because one angry outburst will erase about 100 efforts of pursuit that you have made.

What do you think of this link?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3401_angry.html

That is very insightful and I agree completely. As a Deputy Sheriff I had to maintain control and be in charge. My philosophy was: I ask you, I tell you, I make you. That works exceptionally well for Law Enforcement but horrible for a marriage. Could be why the divorce rate for LEO are so high. I really appreciate you bringing that article to my attention. Not having to be in control all the time is what I am working with my counselor with.

She is in nursing school right now and going through clinical s as we speak. So I know the waitress job is only temporary. She states that it is the only place she can work 20 hours a week and bring home $2000.00 a month which is very true. I have given her the option of quitting all together and just concentrate on school and we will work everything else out but she refuses. And that was before we separated. I also gave her that option last week, at which point she screamed at me that was a stupid idea that we were not getting back together. Though I have seen a change in her demeanor towards me since I told her I would not give up until the divorce was final in 11 months.

Klayton, her affair will start to fall apart because the OM is a selfish rat. All the traits that made the affair possible, selfishness, dishonestly, deceit will eventually ruin their affair.

As it crumbles, you can be the safe place to land if you really do a great Plan A. It will take time, but you have a major competitive advantage over the OM. The odds are in your favor because he will move on at the first sign of conflict. He is also a serial cheater.

That's a great realization.

Here's why that doesn't work for a marriage:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html

Here's a better way:

The Policy of Joint Agreement
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse.

Here's how to achieve that:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

I agree with you. He is not her type at all but probably just telling her what she wants to hear. Things that I stopped telling her and showing her.

I also agree that I was a taker. For the first 3 years of our marriage she gave with her whole heart and I just took. When we first started dating I would try do help with cleaning the house and cooking etc. and she would always tell me to stop that it was her job to do those things. So I stopped and she started to resent me for it. Well I never should have stopped I should have just done it with her.

It's possible that she was meeting more of your needs than you were meeting of her needs. When her needs weren't being met, and your taker was winning at the expense of her giver, the balance in her love bank started dropping.

Here's a great article about how to successfully meet your wife's needs:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Again very insightful. I really wish I would have found this site last May when we everything started falling apart instead of now when were on the cusps of getting a divorce. Sometimes I get down and feel as though I am just wasting my time.

I can appreciate this; however there are 11 months between now and a possible divorce so you have nothing but time in the meanwhile, right?

You might want to look for an opportunity to bring up what you learned about the giver/taker and how to brainstorm until you are both enthusiastic about a solution. You could suggest that the two of you try it on the next item you need to discuss/resolve.

Be sure to carry through very carefully on these new methods of improvement. You need to give her hope that you have learned something and are strong enough, resourceful enough to see the change through.

If you preach a great story but can't implement it, she won't have hope that there will be a difference.

Act strategically, not emotionally.

For now, don't tell her about this site, though.

We will be your resource to help break up her affair and win her back. You don't want her to find your thread and see the strategy you may need to deploy.

Your right. I have to give it over to God and if I don't fight for it, it wont happen. I need to concentrate on my walk with Jesus and ensure my kids are walking with me. Hopefully she will see what that is accomplishing in mine and the kids lives.

Here is an epic account of another LEO pursuing his wife and winning her back:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2798330&page=1

It's a long read but will give you many examples of Plan A behavior in the face of devilish opposition. At one point his wife had him involuntarily hospitalized in a mental health institution.

However, they are happily recovered today.

K, I just want to point out that the biggest problems in your marriage were a) your careers and b) her inappropriate boundaries with men. When a couple does not see each other, they obviously cannot meet each others needs. This is why Dr Harley encourages couples to never work opposing shifts.

So, first focus on the FRAMEWORK that allowed your marriage to fall apart. It is great that you work a normal shift, but keep in mind, there are 2 sides to this. She must also have a job that complements your marriage if your marriage is to work.

The other issue is her inappropriate boundaries with men. You can meet her needs 100% and it will make no difference if she has no boundaries. She will have more affairs regardless of what you do.

And lastly, do you like housework? Does she like you to do housework? My husband does not like housework and I don't ask him to do that. I want to do that. I think there is a assumption of the part of most men that doing housework is this wonderful thing but it does not create romantic love.

It is the intimate emotional needs that create the greatest deposits that lead to romantic love: affection, conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment. Doing housework is not an intimate EN and won't create romantic love. The intimate emotional needs are where you should focus all your attention.

To my knowledge the inappropriate boudanries with men started in recently. However, I guess I am being naive. That type of behavior doesnt typically just manifest itself. Also, I don't mind house work necessarily I just wanted to help. Her lawyer advised her that she can go and do as she pleases, even date, because we are legally seperated. I guess that is where morals come in. But again I'm not innocent in that regard, I have talked to other women I normally wouldn't have if my wife and I were still together.

It sounds very much like her affair started before you separated. That type of behavior is very typical with most spouses and it sounds like she has a problem.


The same applies to you. You know you are married.


Ok, but her lawyer is not the arbiter of morality. Being separated means she is married. Dating people when you are married is infidelity. Her lawyer is not in a position to justify adultery.

I agree with you. I do believe that it started before we were seperated and before he was separated from his wife. You are also correct in the fact that I am still legally married and should refrain. When I mentioned get lawyer I was simply stating the law, not that I agree with it or it was right.

But it goes to question if this is a serial thing from her, is there a point and trying again. My first wife cheated on me 4 times and I went through so much pain. I don't know if I can handle that again.

We can help you affair proof your marriage. If you will do the legwork now, we can help you with marital recovery once you get to that point. Once you get to that point, if she wouldn't agree to the necessary steps to protect your marriage, we would tell you to move on. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain at this point.

As you can probably tell I go back and forth on this issue at times. I know I love my wife and want a loving Godly relationship but I'm also so scared.

That is very true

Klayton, I'm not the top surviving and affair expert, so if Melody or the others chime in they may see it different.

However, having decided to save your marriage, and having already started to change your lifestyle to accommodate a marriage,your next course of action would be to interfere in the growing romance she has with this other guy.

Do you know who it is?

He has probably been told that your marriage is over and that you're separated. A lot of people don't have a problem dating separated women who is in the process of a divorce (still wrong!) but they would have a problem dating a woman who is in a marriage that still has some hope/life to it.

Can you pay him a visit to let him know she has children who desperately want her to come home and a husband who loves her and is going to fight for the marriage? Ask him to leave her alone and look for someone else. Make sure he understands that it will be much more trouble for him to pursue your wife than to look for someone unentangled.

It may not take much to persuade him to leave her alone.

Wear your phone in your shirt pocket recording the conversation so you have evidence that it was not a threatening or assaulting conversation.

Now **THIS** is a mission where you can ask, (skip tell), and then make. If he doesn't go away you can escalate your demands in a way that makes pursuing your wife waaaay too much trouble.

The original guy is history I have got confirmation on that. Last night after getting off work she went to another bar with friends not sure what all happened. I friend told me but wasn't drinking or with a guy. This morning she starts off by sendinf me a 2 year old picture of the kids and we have a nice conversation. Later we were talking and she admitted that she sometimes second guessed this decision. Its nothing major but its a start.

But then she started getting angry and said she didn't want to have this conversation so.....Idk

Just stick with it! You have nothing to lose.

Is she an alcoholic or a drug addict?

No, never really drank at all and doesnt use drugs at all.

Today was a pretty good day. We talked and actually joked a little. I told her I have to be out of town for a week for SWAT school and she became extremely angry. Not sure if its jealousy or mad that I wont be around to help with baby.

If she became angry, something must not have worked for her.

She may have perceived this as an independent behavior, leaving her with consequences that were inconvenient to her.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3406_independent.html

This could be an opportunity to brainstorm together what works for her better.

Can you circle back to find out what her concerns are so you can brainstorm solutions?

She probably got angry because her mask slipped. She is missing her family, questioning her decision and got angry because she showed her hand. Klayton, this is a sign that she is very confused which means you need to keep it up. Whatever you do, don't get angry BACK at her.

And I would not recommend trying to practice the POJA with a wayward. That is a step for recovery that takes long practice. A couple in conflict is not skilled or prepared to negotiate.

I later found out that what she told me was a lie. She stayed out all night Friday night, rode around in a truck drinking with 2 other men. Had someone, who no have arrested for drugs, drive her home,because she was too drunk and then stayed the night with her. Yesterday, I asked her about all this and how she is becoming a person she hated a year ago and she stated she just wanted to have fun. I know she is just masking her pain but what she is doing is so detrimental to her character and self-esteem though she thinks it is building her up. She also informed me that she hated me and I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. I know it was anger talking. I just said that I'm sorry she felt that way.

One thing I have noticed during several conversations is that she says, " I don't THINK we can be together." Now as a cop I've been trained to pick up on little clues like certain words used, mannerisms, etc. During interviews. This to me seems like one of those times where her word usage gives her away. But I may be too close to situation.

Not sure if anyone is even reading this thread anymore but today is our 4 year anniversary and I asked her to consider coming back and she said no her mind is made up. Very heart breaking.

How do you know her original affair is over?

Did you do any kind of exposure of her affair?

Yes, I exposed the affair and her family went biserk. He has now moved on to someone else and she has continued on to the bar life. Which she hated and always said she never wantes until now. I asked her to consider coming back today and she refused. She says were too different and we argue all the time. That's her only real excuses. I feel like she's going through a midlife crisis or something. She someone Idk anymore.

Dr Harley calls "mid life crisis" a form of denial practiced by betrayed spouses. It very much sounds to me like the crisis is an affair that she never recovered from. She became wayward minded from an affair and when that affair ended, she went onto another one. All betrayed spouses say their WS acts very much out of character so that is very typical.

I would agree with that. It seems as she has moved on and doesnt want to listen to anything I have to say about our marriage, God, or anything. She told me to stop trying to buy her back with the gifts and flowers I bought her. She said she hasnt had the same feelings for me for six months. Which is when the original emotional affair took place.

Just keep it up! she may come around. You have nothing to lose.

How old is your DD? What do the kids know about why you�re separated?

Except my sanity. I guess I cant keep myself from getting my hopes up each time.

She is 24, we got married when she was 20. My daughter is too young to understand. I told my son that we just couldn't get along anymore.

Is she at least 4? Dr. Harley says children as young as 4 should be told.
Read this and listen to the radio clips in here Exposing to Children

No, she just turned 3 in October.

Well she just called me for no particular reason and we had a nice 30 minute conversation. It was kinda odd.

Now she is becoming angry because her family is all on her to return to,the marriage. Anything I do for her or give her is looked at with distain. I'm starting to think Plan B is the only option left.

Hi Klayton,

So this is what I understand, both from what you have written here and the updates separately:

-you have given gifts, flowers, mailed written letters in your Plan A efforts.
-she is angry with her family for taking your side and not hers
-she still works at bars and goes out with others after work but isn't seeing a particular .

-After you have reached out to her a few times, she starts responding to texts or initiating texts but then keeps reverting back to not wanting the marriage ever again.

- She recently sent you a text about not being able to handle you talking to a particular woman. You don't have anything going on with this woman at all, but it's a woman from work that she's always been suspicious of and has complained about before.

- Her recent communication was that she is "done" with the marriage.

-You are feeling very discouraged about continuing on.

*********************************

So, with that information, whether to fight for the marriage or go to Plan B is always a decision that can only be made by the betrayed spouse. However, you don't want a foot in both decisions - it's either/or. A foot in both decisions is always a strategy for failure.

That said, you have something here to fight for if you want to. A wayward wife who is still foggy will be acting like your wife. Continuing your Plan A efforts could very well eventually break through to your wife.

It's really hard to continue the Plan A slog at this stage, but Dr. Harley has seen many successful resolutions when the husband persists for some time - as far as even two years in some cases. If she hasn't come around in 2 years, Dr. Harley generally advises betrayed husbands to file for divorce and go into Plan B.

What are your thoughts on continuing to pursue your wife? It's really hard at this point but you haven't given it very much time yet.

Some betrayed husbands around here have taken an antidepressent while they are in your phase just to keep their emotions out of their way, and freeing their intellect to continue the pursuit.

There are better infidelity experts than I am on this board, so perhaps some of them will weigh in to add to anything I've said that could be useful.

You are in the hardest phase of recovering the marriage. Persisting through this has paid off for many marriages.

Would your wife respond to an invitation to a fun family outing?

One thing I've noticed you struggling with is trying to figure out where she is based on what she says.

Wayward wives only speak garbage while they are still in the fog. Don't spend 2 seconds trying to figure out where her thoughts are at - just assume the are foggy garbage and keep on keeping on.

Have you corrected this wrong information with your son?

Children who know about the affair are often GREAT agents for the marriage. I've heard from some people that the pressure the kids put on the wayward spouse was a key factor in breaking through her wayward, foggy thinking.

I invited her to a family outing Saturday and she completely,rejected me saying she had to work and that she wished In would stop trying. That we are over and will,never get back together. But it never fails she will,text me sometime during the day lookojg for something or,some trivial,thing. Which brings me to my,having her cake and eating it too,analogy. She gets a husband but gets what she wants to do too. Also, with having a child exchange etc. Plan B would be difficult.

It's hard right now, but the only way to break through is to just keep inviting, keep reaching out, keep responding to the positive motions she makes, keep ignoring the bad stuff.

It is terribly unjust that YOU, the betrayed person, have to do all of this hard work and suffer this way, but Dr Harley's research and experience has shown that sustained, persistent and consistent Plan A'ing by husbands does often result in success.

How are you holding up through this? Are you taking time to work out and nourish yourself, both body and soul?

It's a long slog, and a hard one.

This shows quite a bit of ambivalence to her decision. She's saying no but indicating a maybe yes. There's definitely hope to keep up the course.


Try to not focus on this. It is injustice to you, but it has also been proven as the best situation to win back a wife.

Women respond to pursuit; she has a love bank account for you so you just need to keep making deposits by meeting emotional needs. Dr. Harley has found that making enough deposits with these needs lead to a person falling in love with you. You can use this information to lead her back to falling in love with you by consistently making deposits by meeting her needs - similar to how you pursued her when you were dating.

Have you read about the emotional needs so you have some items to focus on?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Yeah, I have read that article and I have read the love bank. But I swear its like she closed her account to me.

If she is still in her affair her love bank is closed to you. And if you are sure the affair has ended she will be going through withdrawal.

Have you told your DS the truth? That she is having an affair instead of �we just don�t get along anymore�? No one likes being lied to and children are no exception.

That affair has ended. I'm not sure what she is doing now. So what course of action should I take?

Klayton had posted earlier that she recently went out to a bar after work, became too drunk to drive home and the man who did drive her home spent the night with her.

Klayton, how is she able to have all of this freedom after work to do this seeing she has a three year old daughter?

Brainhurts and Melody Lane, would you recommend he expose this recent one night stand affair as well?

It seems like she has moved on and is having too much fun to be in withdrawal.

Other than continuing to reach out, is there anything strategic he should be doing such as not accommodating daycare after her work, etc.?

Klayton, how is she paying for her expenses? Are you contributing in any way?

You are still moved out and she is still in the family home, correct?

Just catching up on your thread. We have people who have infants who successfully do Plan B. They find a way to do the child exchanges without breaching their Plan B.

However, you should stay in Plan A as long as you can. If it is too much for you, you can go into Plan B. The point of Plan A is to compete with the OM. Your other plan, Plan C, only made the OM look better. I would suggest you try and think strategically about this plan instead of reactive.

Of course it is. You won't be able to meet many needs in Plan A, but you do your best to present an attractive front so she remembers this when you close the door in Plan B.

Did you tell the child the truth about the affair?

Thank you. She just called me again today about trivial stuff and text me yesterday. I have not told my son the truth about the affair I guess because if we do get back together I didnt want him to look at her badly. She already has a step-mom complex.

Your son needs to know the truth. Lies and illusions don't make children happy or secure, they cause moral confusion. He needs to know the real reasons why you separated. That is only fair to him. Not telling him the truth only leaves him wide open to the lies your wife may tell him.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:



The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur. An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.





Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what. When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.





The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under) Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).





My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas. The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.


Go to 8:40 in this clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3694

and then it finishes up here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3695

Did you ever read this thread?

Yes, I read it the first time it was posted. I am away on business this week so I will be unable to talk to my son regarding the situation.

As far as plan A and Plan B go. She called and texted me again today because she had a question about something someone else could have answered. How do I accomplish plan B successfully with having a child and needing to communicate.

You don't. Until you need to be (and can be) in plan B, plan A is your plan.

I didn't see an answer to my question about Klayton's wife's recent ONS.

He exposed the initial affair and her family was upset at her, taking Klayton's side.

This ONS happened recently after his wife's work shift while they were separated. Should he expose that as well?

I don't think so. The reason is because she is out living the single life and it will have little effect. The fallout will not be worth the effort.

Plan A is starting to take its toll on me emotionally and physically. I have lost 25lbs in 2 months, constantly down and worrying. I love my wife desperately but to be continually shut down is taking its toll. That is why I was suggesting plan B.

Have you asked your doctor for some temporary ADs?

Klayton, you would need initiate Plan B by sending her a letter asking her not to contact you anymore. Any contact would have to come through a designated intermediary. You need to pick someone who would agree to act as a spam filter and would only pass on pertinent information in their own word. They would only pass on pertinent information about finances or children. Child exchanges would have to be managed so you don't see or speak to your wife.

Other things to think about would be changing your #, email address or blocking her so she can't get through. You need to anticipate any possible way she could get through and block that avenue.

Read up here and come back and let's discuss: Plan B

Today was 10 year anniversary of her mothers death. So I placed some flowers in her car for the grave site. We walked outside when I was leaving. She got real excited when she saw them but attitude changer when she learned they were from me. Acted annoyed. Its difficult with plan A with reactions like those.

Yes, he has put Me on some AD but is concerned about my weight lost. 30lbs.....

Last couple of days has been interesting. She heard another rumor that I went on a date, I did not. When I said I knew that information hurt her she just said she was curious and would not admit it hurt her. Then last night she called to talk because her sisters boyfriend is a cop too and they were going through some of the same pitfalls we did and asked what to tell him. I simply told her to tell him to set him down and explain what he is in danger of losing. The most important thing in the world. This morning she invited me to go to the Dr. With her and our youngest daughter. Might have been so that I would pay and she wouldnt habe too but that is the negative side of me.

Try to protect yourself from dwelling on thoughts like this. A person in her situation can often be described as being invaded by an alien.

She may or may not be thinking this, but your Plan A strategy KNOWS she is disconnected from the marriage and is trying to win her back.

She might be thinking that, or worse, or nothing of the kind. What she is thinking doesn't matter to your strategy; you are just trying to continue to make deposits until she re-realizes what you offer her in a marriage.

There are a lot of experiences from people here who just ignored whatever the wayward spouse said, knowing that was irrelevant to their strategic plan. In time, they would either break through to the spouse or they wouldn't.

You will wear yourself down if you worry about what she is thinking. Just focus on your Plan A and putting a conflict in the "reality" about the marriage she is trying to build.

I think the updates sound very encouraging. I think you are catching her attention.

Does this help?

How is your Plan A coming along Klayton? Are you doing OK?

Plan A is all but over. She is openly dating another man. Her family knows and they are very upset but she does not care. Nor does she care. Anything about me. She stated that she should have left me 6 months ago.