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Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
How does child custody work in this case? Should the BS get primary custody before moving? I can't imagine being farther than 5 minutes from my boys, and wouldn't want to move outside of their present school district. Which would go against the idea of moving away from triggers etc.

That would have to be worked out legally. But keep in mind, the best outcome for the child is to have parents with an intact marriage, which means moving to a new school in a new town. The most tragic thing that can happen to kids is for their parents to get divorced. Kids can easily get adjust to a new school, not so easy to adjust to a divorce.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,
Agreed on the point of the goal being to avoid the divorce. Also agree on the legal aspects, I was just wondering if that is something that can be done before separation as opposed to after.

In my case, my WW set the custody up as shared with 50/50 split - we have a 2-2-3 day rotation.

So if I were to move away as part of Plan B, this would be a very big challenge - I know of one "friend" who moved an hour and a quarter away (without traffic). She ended up driving her children on mornings that she had them to their school before going to work, and then picking them up and driving to her new location - so adding 2.5 hours plus (depending on traffic) of driving on days she was with her children. In that case she was the original wayward, and this was after the divorce. So they were leaving their home at around 6 am, and not getting back there until about 6pm.

But if the BS can file for separation and at the same time secure primary custody - including the ability to change school districts this might be a good thing. And a strong motivator for being in the drivers seat, instead of waiting for the WS to file.
Am I understanding this correctly?

Yes or no - I will end the TJ after this. It isn't fair to bphubbie.

Thank you.



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It is recommended that a husband consult with a lawyer before he does this. In some situations, the father would want to get primary custody and take the children with him. In others, he would need to get a visitation schedule that made sense for their living arrangements. For example, if they live 2 hours apart, a split rotation would not make sense. Rather, every/other weekend, etc.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
he ended up driving her children on mornings that she had them to their school before going to work, and then picking them up and driving to her new location - so adding 2.5 hours plus (depending on traffic) of driving on days she was with her children. In that case she was the original wayward, and this was after the divorce. So they were leaving their home at around 6 am, and not getting back there until about 6pm.

Most people wouldn't put their kids through this. crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I agree,
Also, I found the "Men, do not leave your house" thread.
Started by you!
And in your first post there it is - do not leave unless it is to effect Plan B.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=143570&Number=1885627#Post1885627
Thank you.

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No worries Allan Tweed about the TJ, it was interesting.

My wife has decided that she is going to move out and stay with a mutual friend for a while. We all know where she will be spending most of her time. Being nasty I am looking forward to the realization that she has basically given up her life for OM and he hasn't had to give up anything for her. Once this hits it will be thrown at him in every argument they have.

Having her out of the house will help me clear my head and I can concentrate more on me and the kids. I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to continue with plan A once she's gone or go to plan B. When I do go to plan B it will be permanent, with a D thrown in for good measure, so is a big decision to make and I'm going to take my time making it. I am getting to the point that I don't know if I could ever trust her again and I don't think she has it in her to do the work that would be necessary to change that, even if she wanted to.

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Seems like a great chance to be awesome -be an awesome dad, present an awesome option to your WW, and be awesome to yourself.
It is totally your call on how long you remain in Plan A, and what happens when you go to Plan B.
I understand that in some cases the "jolt" of the BS moving to Plan B has brought the WS up short, and created some realizations, also I understand that one of the goals of going to Plan B is to do so before your Love Bank for her is empty - you do it when you still have at least a small positive or neutral balance. This protects what you have left so that if you decide to allow it, and the WS does come back you have something to work with (I hope I understood that correctly).
On the question of trust - did you read this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_trust.html


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Well she has moved out. The official line is she's staying at our friends but this week she is with the OM and I think she will only be staying at our friends when she has our DD.

I'm going to stay in plan A for now, it should be easier with her not here all the time. Mainly concentrating on not love busting, asking about her day etc. I don't know what I want in regards to the M anymore but I feel if I can stay in plan A until WW and OM R fails I can make a decision then depending on her attitude. I can't file for D until we have been separated for 2 years anyway.

I know it's the fog but I can't understand being willing to give up your home, children, someone who loves you and you have a long history with, basically your whole life for OM.

Last edited by bphubbie; 11/25/17 09:56 PM.
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I would get legal protection now while she is in the fog so she doesn't harm you legally. For example, you could get full custody of your daughter NOW while she doesn't have a home. Your daughter very much needs your protection at this time. Her mother is reckless and irresponsible and could very well introduce her to dangerous situations. I would not allow your daughter to spend the nights with her.

What about your bank accounts? She should not have access to your bank account or any family money or credit lines. It's real important that you take steps now to protect yourself in every way. And now is a good time to do this because she is in the fog. She won't be that way when the gloss wears off the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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And document everything Document Document Document


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I've set up a meeting with a Lawyer in a couple of days,OMSTBXW works for a law firm so has helped with that.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
And document everything Document Document Document

Thanks BrainHurts I've started a log of everything that happens.

This week as my wife has started a new job and is working early mornings there was no question that my daughter would not stay with me. My wife has plans to come round each night when me and daughter get home from work and have dinner with us. We spent a lot of time tonight just talking about how her day went at work and being pretty friendly to each other. Because of the bipolar I've had to get good at spotting signs for mood changes. Tonight I could see the changes around her eyes, they take on a more sunken look when she gets depressed. (While we were talking they lost that look.) If this continues her cheeks should follow and she will have an almost skeletal look, this will be when she truly is in a depression. (Good luck OM!). I don't know if this is unique to my wife but other BS's might want to look for these early signs of a depression as it may be a common sign.

My daughter really made my day today. At school they had to describe their family using a metaphor, she chose a bird nest and I'm the mud around it that holds the nest together because I hold the family together. She made me tear up with that one.

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How�s everything going? Did you see a lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, I've been to the Lawyers. Child custody has to be worked out by the parents as the first step. You can't go straight to court here unless the other parent is trying to take the children out of the country or has caused harm to them. If the parents can't sort the custody between them then you have to go to mediation and the final step is court.

My wife came round to visit after work on Monday to Wednesday last week. We spent most of the time talking to each other, I asked about how her day went and kept asking questions as she explained things. She seemed to really want to talk to me, I wonder if OM has already started not caring as much. I think either OM is not meeting all her EN's and she wants me to meet some as well or she has no boundaries at all.

Thursday to Saturday things went downhill with her getting verbally aggressive towards me (we only saw each other for a few minutes). I just let it wash over me and not rise to it. Sunday was a different story. I finally had enough of her attitude and told her that she's in luck, I still love her but I don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore (she's been saying for a while we will never be together again). She took my daughter out for the day after that but when they got back her attitude had changed. She stood on the door step for a long time after our daughter had gone to bed, occasionally saying about leaving but not going. Then eventually she said she missed us being good and gave me a big, long hug. Then she left. This is the second time she has reacted like this the first was when I told her I didn't know if I could ever forgive her for what she has put me through. This was a couple of months ago and she stood in front of me looking like a pathetic little girl and tried to get me to say I forgave her. I know this is nothing big but I'm finding it interesting.

I actually don't know if I want to save the marriage (not sure if there's anything worth saving) but I'm trying to do the plan A stuff (need to stop losing my cool) and see what happens. If she and OM split up and she wants to come back I can make my decision then. We can't divorce until we have been living separately for 2 years so I'm not losing any time by doing this and I'm seeing it as a good way to work on myself and maybe see some results.

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