Well, here I am. Having joined the club that nobody willingly wants to. I've been lurking and reading around the forum for quite some time now and have decided to post - not so much to get specific answers (though I will probably ask some questions), but more to become part of the community and add my story to the collective.

My wife of 17 years had a three month emotional and physical affair that ended nearly six months ago. We have five children and have been focussed on raising them for the last 14 years, to the detriment of our own relationship (failure to meet emotional needs and festering unresolved conflicts, various LBs, etc.). Fortunately, we still loved each other and I was able to win her back almost immediately. I guess I'm pretty lucky compared to a lot of folks in my position. The fog lifted very quickly for my wife and she realised it was huge mistake and lapse of judgement. She is now hugely remorseful, grateful for the second chance, and has vowed to do whatever necessary to help me heal and rebuild our relationship. My wife works as a primary school teacher at a Catholic school and her AP was the deputy principal (no less!). She now hates him (nearly with as much passion as I do :-)) and, on examining events and behaviour over the last few years, we both believe it didn't "just happen" for him; but instead, was pre-meditated and he abused his position of power. He'd demonstrated inappropriate behaviour towards my wife at an end of school function one year and she felt he'd been watching her for years. What an a**hole. However, she does not deny that she acted of her own free will. The crazy thing is that they both knew the relationship could never go anywhere, had to remain secret for the obvious reasons and to protect their reputations and that of the school, she told him that she'd never leave me and he said weird stuff like "what does it matter if it lasts 5 minutes or 5 months?'.

The days surrounding d-day were nightmare. My wife's mother passed away and then the day before the funeral I discovered the conclusive proof of her infidelity (I finally managed to get her iPhone connected to the computer, made a backup, and used software to read deleted text messages). I had to hold it together for the next 48 hours and be there to support my wife and our kids at the funeral the next day. To add insult to injury "he" turned up at the service - I nearly passed out :-) The desperation to survive the funeral lead me to the MB site, which made me realise why this had happened and how to confront my wife in such a way as to maximise the chance of saving my marriage. I confronted her the evening of the funeral (poor timing I know), but I had to travel for work the next week and felt I would probably have a mental breakdown whilst overseas if I put off confrontation until I returned. I was the key speaker at marketing events in three locations across Europe and could not pull out at the last minute given the amount of organisation and money my employer had sunk into the events. The trip was a nightmare for both of us. I survived by being in shock and running on adrenaline.

Since d-day our relationship is better than it ever has been in the past. Meeting each others' ENs, no LBs (well, I've had exactly one short-lived AO in the last 6 months) etc. However, like all others here, we were completely unprepared for the emotional carnage. I did not realise that emotional pain could feel physical. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. Although she can't really comprehend how I feel, my wife has been moved to tears herself from witnessing my pain. Lots of past grievances have been aired and examined and I feel like I�ve been on a voyage of self-discovery (cue theme music to the Kung Fu TV series). We are working our way through HNHNs and LBs in parallel.

I think a lot of my pain stems from a profound sense of loss. My wife and I were both virgins when we met. I knew that was true for her due to physical evidence; she had to take my word for it (although my fumbling ineptitude went some way towards backing up my claim :-)). She was the only woman I've ever slept with, and I was (until recently) the only man she'd been with. It was special, even if I hadn't consciously thought about it previously. Added to that is the fact that her and the AP had sex no less that 15 times in about two months, which is more action than I got in the last two years. He is 18 years older than us - I can only hope to have that much go in me when I reach 66 years of age :-) As others have said though, it is the lies and deception that really increase the hurt by an order of magnitude.

At the moment they are both still at the same school. He will be leaving at either the end of the year, or by the end of the first school term next year (the school year runs from end Jan to mid Dec here in NZ). This is adding to my suffering no doubt. He is a constant splinter in my mind. He teaches an accelerate math class that two of my kids are in. Furthermore, professional dealings between him and my wife are now turning somewhat toxic - subtle bullying on his part. We both want him gone as soon as possible. I realise that this is not exactly no contact, but we have both POJA'd this because 1) he will be leaving, and 2) she has only recently got a permanent position at the school after 8 years of working fixed term contracts. Furthermore, she was promoted to director of a religious studies (believe me, the irony/hypocrisy of all this is not lost on either of us :-)), which is a management position.

I guess one other aspect that is probably not pure MB is that we both want to shield our children from the fallout. So they do not know what has happened. Oh, sure, the older ones suspect something has gone down, but we are now modelling a loving relationship so I don't think they are stressing about what it might be. I know some people say it is a great learning experience for kids, however, It's difficult enough for us to deal with the aftermath for ourselves + daily needs of 5 kids without having to cope with their reactions to the infidelity. I had to deal with my own father's infidelity and my parents subsequent divorce when I was 14. It took me 10 years to get past that, and I don't want that for my kids. Plus kids are very "black and white" in the way they look at stuff; very little appreciation of grey areas in between. I'm afraid that they would take my side and end up hating my wife. Something that would definitely not ease our recovery. I'd be interested to hear other folks opinions on what (if anything) to tell kids.

I really just want to feel "normal" again. I try not to ruminate on what's happened, knowing all to well that I can induce a state of mental collapse by doing so. How long does it take to reach a day where the A doesn't enter your mind at any point? Sometimes it feels like I've slipped into a very close parallel dimension - everything in life *looks* the same on the surface, but feels disturbingly different.

Anyhow, sorry about the long, rambling post. It feels good to get it all out in writing. I guess it's fairly normal for first posts :-)

Welcome to MB.

Sorry to hear your WW still works with OM. This means you can count that the affair is still on. Everyday they interact keeps the affair active.

Why haven�t you told your children? Who have you exposed this affair to? Why haven�t you exposed to their jobs?

Read this Exposing to Children

I�m sorry to tell you, but you aren�t in recovery yet.

Have you read this? Exposure 101

I can assure you that the affair is definitely not on any more :-) I know where my wife is every minute of every day. I have access to her phone, computer, online accounts etc. She reports every encounter with him at work, and they all leave her feeling upset now. I have listened in to a phone conversation they had where she gave him "the hard word" on workplace bullying. We have bugged his office. I have a copy of a sale and purchase agreement for a house in the South Island of NZ (we are in the North Island) that we found while snooping in his office after hours. Whilst this is not proof that he will leave, because he has not been forthcoming on sharing updates with us the presence of this document goes some way towards adding credence to what he's told us. There was never any activity on school grounds during the affair (apart from message passing). We both want him gone. My wife feels very angry and used now - she felt (before I found out) that he implied personal and professional repercussions if things did not continue.

I explained the rationale for not exposing to our children in my post. I'll take a look at the thread you've linked to - thanks. Exposure for the purposes of ending an affair is not needed now in this case. Plus, our relationship is now in great shape (early days I realise).

If the OM does not make good on his intention to retire/leave the school we will expose to the principal. I've told my doctor, a family member, my boss and my psychologist.

Sure, I realise (as I said in my first post) that the daily contact between them keeps the affair alive in my head (if not in reality). I agree that this is an issue, but I'm willing to put up with it in the short term.

Oh, no. This is not "POJA". POJA is not a tool to negotiate keeping things in that are BAD for marriage.

NC and extraordinary precautions to remove the OP from your lives FOR LIFE is not negotiable.

Yes, I realise and admit that it is bad for the marriage, but it is a short-term thing. If he doesn't leave the school then we will expose to the principal.

Hello OOB, welcome to Marriage Builders. I wanted to address some major red flags I see here that will preclude you from ever recovering your marriage. First off, all contact should end and your children should be told the truth. The affair needs to be exposed to the authorities at school. By keeping his secret, you are allowing the affair to continue [just seeing each other at work is a continuation] and enabling him to pursue other women in the workplace as a result of your enabling.

I am horrified that you have allowed your children to be in the class of a man who has tried to wreck their family. How will your children feel when they find out what you have done to them? They are not stupid people who need to be fed lies and illusions to cover up for adult misbehavior.

Keeping this a secret only serves to enable the affair which is against the best interest of you ALL. You cannot recover a marriage and sweep an affair under the rug.


The POJA does not apply to adultery or abuse so this is inappropirate. You can't use the POJA to make reckless decicions abot your marriage.


A horrible thing to do your children. You are only teaching them to be dishonest. you also leave the door wide open for the OM to float in and out at his will. And what can you say? Nothing.

In short, you are not following MB at all. We cannot help you if you insist on putting her little job over your marriage and the security of your children. Your marriage will never recover.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Dr. Bill Harley "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

Do you understand that the purpose of NC is not only to ensure that the affair is DEAD but that it does not flare back up again? Because they always do when NC is not implemented.

Unless you are with her, no, you do not. Even if you COULD be with her every single minute of every day, if she were to be in the same vicinity as the OM, Dr Harley would tell you to get out of there.

Anything that she KNOWS you have access to she can easily work around.

After reading here on the forums for 10 years, all I can tell you is NONE of what you have written makes SKIPPING no-contact okay.

Things like NC and EPs cannot be cherry picked or swept under the rug, regardless of the reason.

You are free, of course, to ignore the advice, but you will not get support for it. We won't pat you on the back when you are standing on the train tracks and we know you are going to get smacked, again.

You do not know what your wife does when she is with her lover at school. You only know what she chooses to tell you. You would be the LAST PERSON she would tell about contact. And affair resumption always happens.


BALONEY.


More BALONEY. You have no idea if he will ever leave.



The first step towards recovery - which you have not begun - is ending contact and EXPOSING THE AFFAIR.

Exposure is intended for recovery, regardless of the state of the affair. Your marriage is not in "great shape." She goes to school to see her lover every day.

If you are serious about recovering your marriage, you need to start taking serious steps. You have not even begun.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

The longer you sweep the affair under the rug and avoid recovery the harder it wll be to save your marriage. You are squandering valuable and necessary time that could be used saving your marriage.

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks for the feedback! I don't believe we are being horrible to our children. We all shield our kids from all sorts of stuff as the mature in order to protect them. Otherwise, we'd let them have free reign with respect to movies, the internet and deadly weapons etc. from a young age - correct? Given that my wife and I have not argued, created a bad atmosphere at home, disrespected each other and so forth since I discovered the infidelity, I don't believe that there is anything that they are really concerned about. Unless the fact that their parents are really getting along well now bothers them. In fact, things were worse in the house a year ago - long before the affair. I've been there with respect to being a kid that had knowledge of a parent's infidelity. I would not have known if divorce did not force it out into the open. Believe me, I would have preferred ignorance.

Yes, I agree on the expose to the principal front. I'd rather do that to prevent this creep from repeating his ways with someone else.

Infidelity and lies are poison to children. It is silly to equate going to the movies to infidelity and your lies. It doesn't help them or your marriage. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies.

It is very rare to see a spouse who is so eager to sweep an affair under the rug to save a job. Is she sole source of support in your household? Is that why you are so eager for her to keep this job?

You should read this False recoveries and you�ll see many posters wish they had demanded NC because the affair just either went underground or started up again.

"And affair resumption always happens" - really?? Are there hard figures to support this statement?

I guess I agree to disagree with you on the kids front. Kids are protected from all sorts of nasty stuff all the time in society. Are you saying we are lying by omission to our kids? All sorts of information is omitted with respect to kids all the time. Are we failing to teach kids important life lessons and/or hurting them by not allowing them to know about/view pornography from a young age? I'm not saying that we will never tell our kids what happened but, as a parent, I'd like to be the judge of when that should happen and under what circumstances.

Perhaps you are correct and my wife hasn't learned anything from this experience. Perhaps she is a true sociopath and narcissist; and is still carrying on behind my back. Perhaps she does not see the value in our family and is not remorseful that her stupid actions threatened it all. I'm not saying we won't expose to the school if necessary, just not yet. Exposure is not needed for my support - I have support already. I believe exposure to the school is not necessary to end the affair, because I believe that is has ended (yes, I know you will say I'm naive, however, we will see sooner rather than later).

I earn a very good living working from home in the tech sector. I'm keen for her to keep her job because 1) despite doing something stupid that threatened everything, she worked damn hard to get it and is a superb teacher; and 2) I worked damn hard in terms of supporting her behind the scenes during the eight years it took to achieve a permanent position at the school.

Did you have a question about Marriage Builders? If you are interested in following this program we can help you. Otherwise, there is no reason for us to waste our time here.