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So in other words, he is trying to punish you and manipulate you into silence.

Where is the discussion we recommended about demanding he end his opposite sex friendship?

Are you reading our posts? It doesn't seem like you are paying any attention here and are instead blogging to us.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Hotmama7171
IHe threatened divorce if I mentioned it again. He even called divorce attorney to ask some questions..

I would bring up the subject of opposite sex friendships again and make it clear to him that yes, you will end up divorced if it doesn't stop. You will end up divorced anyway if your spouse bullies you into silence with threats. There are some very serious issues here that have much more to do with this one issue.

Do you want the moderators to move this to the SAA forum so you can get feedback?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
A couple of things stand out. The first is that your husband does not care about your feelings. A caring spouse stops doing things that harm/upsets her spouse. A complaint is an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage.

Secondly, your husband has very inappropriate boundaries with women. 99% of affairs start with opposite sex friendships and he is a walking affair waiting to happen. He behaves in reckless manner and then demands "trust me, trust me." crazy That is like a drunk driver demanding to be "trusted." Trust is inspired by trustworthy behavior, it is not an entitlement program for the wayward minded.

I suspect your husband has had infidelities in the past and you just don't know about it because he is so manipulative when you address it. [the prostitute whose # you found] He seems to be out looking for action.

If I were you, I would become a super sleuth and start spying on him. Put spyware/GPS on his phone to find out what is going on. webwatcher is a good one. Also, put a keylogger on your computer to make sure he is not still doing online porn.

In the meantime, I would approach him with a plan to affair proof your marriage and that would start with him eliminating all opposite sex friendships and behaving professionally at work.

Your husband acts very much like a man who is addicted to porn, he is cold, mean and selfish so I suspect that is still going on.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would be willing to bet they're having an emotional affair- or that it is an entirely different woman he is lunching with (and telling me that he had lunch with his lesbian coworker). Maybe I'm jumping the gun or thinking ahead too much- but I know the deceit people are capable of. I don't particularly enjoy being on the receiving end of it. I think I deserve more respect and love than this relationship is providing me. My husband is just simply not the type of guy who he wants to be. He wants to be a good Christian loving husband whom people respect and he tries to portray this image to anyone else on the outside. However, he can be a very cold, heartless person with huge mood swings and a tendency to get bored with a good relationship. Even when we have been blissfully happy in the past, he has done things to "rock the boat". I have gone thru so much with him over the past 3 years. We have found out one of our children has a disability. My husband has had depression (which he denies). He has had a porn addiction- which he says he has overcome. Also about 1.5 yrs ago, I demanded that he go to anger management therapy for his angry outbursts (he kicked a hole in an interior door in our home, he picked up a small granite top table and threw it upside down (breaking the granite) in front of our children. All because I wanted to get a doctor on-call paged for my son with disability. My son was having a health issue and my husband didn't agree or want to help me call the doctor (I was busy cleaning up vomit on the floor). We had words and he threw the table upside down. I'm not saying I'm perfect either- but he is definitely far from it. I just don't think he's the one in the position to be calling up attorneys considering all he has done. So- I think he just wants out. I'm really trying hard, but it has become difficult for me to want to stay in the marriage. I had a friend suggest to me to just cheat on him because that's what she would do/did when a guy cheated on her. I'm sorry- but I just don't do that. I have better morals than that and know how it feels to be cheated on...so I'm not a person that does that. My husband also has a ton of baggage/stress from his family. His brother is a drug addict who is older than my husband, but he is constantly in trouble with the law and either in jail or a hospital. My in-laws are old and having lots of health problems. I try to talk to my husband about these things and he shuts me out. His mother puts a ton of pressure on him to visit them every weekend (they live 2.5 hrs away). It's just not possible for us to be driving there every weekend. This causes a lot of guilt on my husband. I think in the past, he has used sex as a coping mechanism (hence the porn addiction). I sometimes think it's just best that I let him go. Just let him go out and sow his wild oats if that's what he needs to do. I just don't think he understands that once I'm out/gone, I will NOT be getting back with him. I'm not interested in that. I feel that if I'm not important enough to stay with right now- then he's not important enough to me to get back with. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, but this man has twisted my heart apart so many times I cannot count. I cannot put myself thru it again. I barely survived the ordeals we went thru several years ago. He refuses to acknowledge the problem with any of his behaviors and I am just left with nothing to work with.

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Originally Posted by Hotmama7171
I barely survived the ordeals we went thru several years ago. He refuses to acknowledge the problem with any of his behaviors and I am just left with nothing to work with.

This is exactly correct. You have nothing to work with. You can't fix a marriage with someone who abuses you. You can't change someone against his will.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So now he is having a nervous breakdown. The dr put him on an antidepressant. He asks me to support and be here for him. He is also doing therapy. I really want to know where I stand with him. I'm tired of not knowing. Every time I ask, he says he can't discuss because he's too stressed. He has missed work two days this week.

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So now he is having a nervous breakdown. The dr put him on an antidepressant. He asks me to support and be here for him. I really want to know where I stand with him. I'm tired of not knowing. Every time I ask, he says he can't discuss because he's too stressed. He has missed work two days this week. He went to work yesterday. I asked him about some of his coworkers (including his female lunch buddy). He told me she was out of work yesterday. Today, he cannot barely function. He's worked from home and moping around the house. I've had to do everything (chores, business, kids) like a single parent. He's mentally checked out of life.

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Have you installed spyware and GPS yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have the gps tracker on. As far as spyware, I really can't jailbreak his phone because he will definitely know (he's a computer major).

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Does he have an apple computer? Maybe you can use this security flaw. http://appleinsider.com/articles/17...ministrator-access-with-few-instructions

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Originally Posted by Hotmama7171
I have the gps tracker on. As far as spyware, I really can't jailbreak his phone because he will definitely know (he's a computer major).

Did you check into teensafe.com? I use that on my teenager's iphone and it does not require jailbreaking. It will send a text initially for the installation but then it has remained hidden afterwards. You may be able to install it while he's sleeping.

I would install it on your own phone first so you can do it more efficiently on his when you get the opportunity.

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Originally Posted by Hotmama7171
Yes I'm going to look into this Teensafe for the phone. Today, he wants to put all of this behind us. He really wants to have intimate relations with me. He's asked twice since yesterday. He also asked me to put find my iPhone on my phone or else he would remove it from his (we put it on his years ago after my suspicions were high). He's really nosey and watching what ai do all of a sudden (I have nothing to hide). He doesn't realize how close he came this time to finding himself alone. Big threats by calling attorney got my attention and not in a way he probably hoped.


You need to stop discussing your suspicions with him, you know that right? If you TELL him you're spying, it's not spying and he's an old hand able to run circles around you. I would just shrug and tell him he can uninstall it if he wants. Act unsuspicious, get him to relax, so he will mess up for your real spy tools.

Oh and I wouldn't be intimate with this guy without a whole sheet of rubber and a bunch of sanitizer gel to boot. But it might be a useful carrot to dangle.

If it were me I'd say I was needing some alone time while I work on my issues (with spyware, lol) and that I was planning a special date night in a few weeks time. You would easily get your intel one way or another before then.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Wow! Had a ton of stuff happen lately. He requested an antidepressant from his doctor and has been on it for a week. He has had been sweating a lot and feeling weird. He tells me he's having a ton of anxiety and tingling in his body. He has become hypochondriac and thinks he has a bad illness/disease. He is now scheduling massages 3 times per week at a well known chain massage facility. He bought a yearly membership to this massage facility because he thinks it will help with his stress. He's all over the place (making my head spin).

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People who are hiding something, usually have higher anxiety. Don't let that interfere with your strategy, don't let it side track you.

How is the snooping coming along, do you have something installed?

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Teensafe requires iCloud to be turned on. He will notice this as a techie. What else do u suggest. I am using the gps tracker.

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The GPS tracker he knows you have access to or did you install a secret one? Did you put a VAR in his car? Do you have access to his financial activity and phone bills?

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Originally Posted by Hotmama7171
Wow! Had a ton of stuff happen lately. He requested an antidepressant from his doctor and has been on it for a week. He has had been sweating a lot and feeling weird. He tells me he's having a ton of anxiety and tingling in his body. He has become hypochondriac and thinks he has a bad illness/disease. He is now scheduling massages 3 times per week at a well known chain massage facility. He bought a yearly membership to this massage facility because he thinks it will help with his stress. He's all over the place (making my head spin).


This is all typical wayward


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Can you elaborate?

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No he doesn't know about tracker. I have access to financial stuff and I'm not finding anything weird or out of place.

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Originally Posted by Hotmama7171
Can you elaborate?


Waywards live in the moment, which starts to get very chaotic after a bit. Think: puppy chasing tail, snapping at person who tries to get them to stop? Falling down in exhaustion to their great surprise and then being grouchy towards everyone for not stopping them.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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