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Originally Posted by Ghoul
I'm also deeply concerned for my children. Right now their home is a safe and happy place, and these are their prime developmental years. It's so hard to seriously consider disrupting that when I can just shoulder this burden myself. I don't care if affects my health. I know it sounds hollow and selfish to you, but could it not be argued that keeping all of this to myself is a selfless act?

That is a bunch of rubbish. If you were deeply concerned for your children, you would not have been withdrawn from your marriage and your family while you watched porn and had sleazy encounters. You could have brought home a disease that took away their parents. You also exposed your family unbeknownst to them to who knows what kind of people from the internet. NOTHING about your choices indicate that you are concerned about your children at all. And likewise, you want to keep this a secret for selfish reasons and not because you are some kind of martyr.

By the way, their home is far from a safe and happy place. Your wife is not dumb and I would bet money she knows something is going on, she just doesn�t know what. There is disruption already. You have already disrupted your peaceful family. We are not advising you to act in a way to disrupt your family, you have already done that. That action is already taken. We are advising you to tell the truth and do the right thing. It is the act that disrupts, not the truth.

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Originally Posted by Ghoul
I'm ashamed to say that, a year ago, she wanted to go to marriage counseling and I poo-pooed it. I was afraid that the therapist would take her side, and, subconsciously, I was afraid of all of my secrets.

Originally Posted by Ghoul
So now I'm in a crisis. My wife knows nothing, and we're still a happy family.

She is not happy and she knows something is wrong. How often does she question you trying to get at the truth? How have you answered her questions? Told her she is crazy and paranoid?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Read this and listen to the clips in here Beware of Bad Counselors

When are you telling your BW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Ghoul,
As a non-professional I want to offer my opinion and care to you.
As a betrayed spouse. Telling her is the best thing you can do. Coming forward with your honesty will make your marriage recovery much easier.
I discovered my husbands affair and really wish that he had come forward and then I would know that he can be honest with me even at his own risk. It will be hard. But you can do it. The full honest truth about everything is best. The trickle effect is what I have experienced and it is VERY painful, I think I know and then, more, and more. It is heart breaking to drag it on and now I am left feeling that there is more to know...that WH still hasn't told me everything, even though he may have, I can not believe it. And because I discovered it, makes me believe that he cannot confide in me and that he is truly not sorry for his actions, but sorry that he got caught.
I offer you my opinion in hopes that it will encourage you to come forward and do the right thing and tell your wife.

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I very much want to avoid the trickle truth effect. It's been hard for me to write it all down and create a timeline, but I have been.

I'm just so terrified of what the first hours, days, and weeks will be like. We're the parents of 3 little kids. We eat dinner together and have conversations. We watch TV together after they go to bed. We tell each other about our days at work. We have 15 years of inside jokes that we tell each other. I'm just so afraid of all of that turning to hatred on her end. I'm afraid that she's going to avoid me and refuse to talk.

I'm also afraid of how she'll be able to function. Her job is very stressful for her and requires lots of overtime. I'm worried that this will be too much for her to bear. She may know that something is "wrong", but she will not see something of this magnitude coming at all.

What is the first month like? If both spouses are committed to rebuilding, how long does it take before you're able to feel comfortable together again? Months? Years? Are there any resources out there that can help you navigate the initial weeks?

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Suggestion: stop thinking about yourself and think about her best interest for once. Yes, she will be upset. But people can deal with truth better than lies. When the kids go to bed, take her aside and tell her you have something you need to tell her. Show her your thread here.

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What is the first month like? If both spouses are committed to rebuilding, how long does it take before you're able to feel comfortable together again? Months? Years? Are there any resources out there that can help you navigate the initial weeks?

She will be upset, but she will also be relieved because she has suspected something is wrong for a long time. We will help you put your marriage back together if she chooses to stay in the marriage. We will be glad to help her through this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Suggestion: stop thinking about yourself and think about her best interest for once. Yes, she will be upset. But people can deal with truth better than lies. When the kids go to bed, take her aside and tell her you have something you need to tell her. Show her your thread here.

Quote
What is the first month like? If both spouses are committed to rebuilding, how long does it take before you're able to feel comfortable together again? Months? Years? Are there any resources out there that can help you navigate the initial weeks?

She will be upset, but she will also be relieved because she has suspected something is wrong for a long time. We will help you put your marriage back together if she chooses to stay in the marriage. We will be glad to help her through this.

When will you take this advice and tell your BW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I understand your concern. Our family was much the same way for togetherness we had been married 20 years when I found out.
It is hard to say what the outcome and even the first little while will be like as everyone's personality, temperament and situations are different.
Our first 24 hours was the hardest. until we cooled off enough to talk and not scream. It has been 3 months since I found out but I suspected it for a couple of months before that. The lying in the couple of months that I suspected it were what really hurt, and is why I urge you to come forward and tell her the whole truth before she finds out on her own.
Now we are able to talk about it, my husband knows what he did was wrong and we are building back trust. HE hates reliving it but know that answering all of my questions is helping me heal.
She may not be able to function, and may need some time off work, sick time for mental health. I also work a high stress job and overtime, for me it was best to go to work and be occupied. I did take one day as I felt it was not good to go to work and cry all day.
All the best to you Ghoul, but please tell her everything and tell her soon. It will be a relief to you too. It is not good to carry around the anxiety.

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Originally Posted by mamabear22
HE hates reliving it but know that answering all of my questions is helping me heal.
Just to clarify about this statement. Dr. Harley recommends one sit down to where the BS asks all their questions and the WS answer all of them in one sitting and then to never bring up the affair again as this will hinder the recovery.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Your wife knows full well you hide things from her and she hoped you'd reveal these things to her in marriage counselling. Instead, you've learned the porn lesson that women are just accessories and puppets who should go along with whatever you want. She's not a dog, man. You cant decide that it's better for you to 'keep' her. She gets to decide if she's up for doing affair recovery or not.

Go ahead and tell her that the marriage problems are your doing, that she isn't going crazy imagining stuff and none of it is her fault. She may just feel so relieved that she'll decide to accept your honesty as a permanent thing. Lots of BSs do. But until you start seeing her as a HUMAN BEING who can make her own decisions youll never know.

It is positively inhuman to keep her trapped in that confusing place, and she'll eventually divorce you any way because she knows she doesn't understand you.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Goule, I don't know if you still come on here....but I just wanted to say that I'm in your wife's shoes. Backpage and craigslist and Ashley Madison were my H's preferred hookups. He disclosed his betrayals. I am processing it, but I am returning to our marital home with hopes of working through this addiction with him.I am glad he told me the truth in order for me to make a decision on whether to stay or leave. I can't say for sure what I am going to do, that will be dependent on his ACTIONS and TRANSPARENCY. I am working on Forgiveness. There is hope. And the folks here will surely help you through this. I hope you will check in. I will be following this thread.

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