You are right abrrba. I know I shouldn't judge all men just because I had bad experiences. But it seems like a common theme for me...

My xH had multiple emotional affairs and also had sex addiction, which largely contributed to our divorce. I thought we were soul mates, and that is what he said, but in the end he said he stayed with me because I made good money He told me a lot of hurtful things when we were going through divorce.

Then a few years later when I met xBF1, he wanted to reconcile. After all that hurtful comments and that he did not love me anymore... he wanted to come back. 80% of my heart told me to not trust him, but 20% told me to try to reconcile... but soon as I showed some interest of reconciliation, he found a pretty woman with money and married her.

Then onto this xBF1, who wanted to marry me so much that he almost scared me (as he talked about marriage at very early stage when I was not ready yet). Kind of similar story to xBF2, I guess. Maybe because I made him wait too long, who knows, but after 5 years, it was not going anywhere but I wanted to remarry and have another baby, so I broke up with him. He was sad but did not try to make amend. Or maybe he did in his own way (he sent some gifts, cards, etc., but clearly that is not what I was looking for), but nothing compelling. Yet a year later, when I met my xBF2, xBF1 cried and wanted to come back. Actually this spring for mother's day, I received beautiful flowers at home and it turned out it was from xBF1. Not sure why he did that, but he does from time to time sends something so this may be his way of checking to see if I am single and available...?

Then xBF2... Another 5 years with xBF2. He kept telling me I was the one but never really made the move. I feel that all these guys were renters - it's probably me who is allowing them to be renters (or freeloaders) . I make excuses for those guys, and that's why they get very comfortable and lazy to make efforts... I know that. It's hard to stop this though, as my rationale is that no one is perfect. So I end up feeling guilty for staying upset over their behaviors. I do the same thing to my son, and that is why I am having a hard time now.

There is a guy who has been asking me out every time I broke up (after divorce from xH, breakup with xBF1, and now with xBF2). He is an extremely nice guy and very family oriented. But I am not attracted to him.

There are some other guys who have asked me out, but it seems I am not attracted to any of them, except for one. One is a very intelligent, mature, laid back, honest, generous, and good looking guy. But he has 4 kids, and even though the older 2 are in their 20s they still live with him, and it seems his schedule (outside of work) is 99% full because there is always something going on with one of the 4. And even though he seems to like me, I can't help but to second guess that he is just looking for a fun date when he has time (1%) and is not really looking for marriage (as he seems still hurt from his divorce 10 years ago).

...hence I am very discouraged... sigh.

Thanks NED, I should probably just focus on my work, son, and dance lessons. I go out with my girl friends too, sometimes, but if I go out now they may bring up xBF2 and I don't want to talk about him right now...

Yes, I needed the reminder that I do not need to rush anything!

Candy,
Please listen to what everyone is telling you. I understand insecurity to the top of the line. I've tried 3 times with the same man. It does not get any better. I won't go into deep details about what has happened, bit promises were not kept and he too is a taker with big anger issues. I had my own to work on, but Dr. Harley taught me to relax when I got angry, to walk away, or put some distance if I didn't think I could keep my mouth shut. After years of resentment it was really hard to do, but since I've gained that control over my feelings, some insecurity of being alone has disappeared. I'm more afraid of a bad relationship than none. I have programs at my church I can be involved in, not really many close friends because I'm actually more comfortable talking to more of the men I know than the women - being an introvert does not help. If you have single friends - that is a blessing. At least one you can talk to when you feel blue, one who can show empathy and encouragement. A hug from a trusted female can come to feel even better than the thought of a hug from a male. Coming out of a romantic relationship (or one hoped for) is like coming off of drugs. After Dr. Harley explained that, it was a whole lot easier to let the urge to fade. As long as I focus on my religious beliefs/relationships, it's easier to fill up the empty space left behind. And if I can do it I'm sure you can. My insecurities are so bad that I have seizures from C-ptsd. They are triggered by certain behaviors of the other in an intimate relationship. I had to start taking meds for them when I was 27yrs old & single with 2 small children to care for and still believed some of the things my mother told me growing up (that I was too young to understand). But over the years, I learned her words were not true and rarely have to take the meds I used to have to take 2mg daily of (now I only have to take 1mg on occasion when I let things get too deep under my skin) & suspect one might come on in a nightmare. It's been 1yr since I've had to have a 6mo RX refill prescribed. I only keep it around in case I'm afraid one might happen.
But you can do this - let that man go. Block him from any contact with you. You are loved in life, but not by him. He just wants what he can get. Fill your life up with people that fill you up and encourage you. Take care. Please let us know how things are going?

Thanks RMW for the kind words and encouragement. It's been a roller coaster ride for me. Clearly my day-to-day life is getting easier and often I am not even thinking about it, but at the same time there have been some triggers that made things harder. For example, my brother and his wife just had their second child. I am happy for them but secretly jealous too. I wish I could have more kids. When I am nervous about my health, I wish I had someone I can turn into and get some comfort from. Heading into the holiday season is not helping either.

That being said, I understand that I need to believe in my decision and stay strong. Unfortunately, no one will make my life better magically overnight. I have to learn to not try to ruin my future by easing today's temporary pain.

I am taking a baby step each day... sometimes 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Hopefully I will be in a much better place soon.

Your doing good then. I'm crying right now & extra tired. I have to wait until Monday cor the guidance counselor at school to return after the holiday break.

I told Dr. Harley about my situation & he let me know get it to where I can support myself & get out. And he is so right. The man just proved his dictatorship again this morning and told me he didn't care whether I liked what he wanted or not, he was going to have it even if it does make my life hell here on earth.

My faith is all I have other than CR at church once a week. I don't have close friends because I really don't trust well anymore. All I can do is come here to learn, share, and seek support myself.

It hurts horribly, and is very discouraging, but holding on to our faith & following proper guidance will help us through.

I hope you get to feeling better, right now I'm having to work at it too. I'll keep you in my prayers. I would need a true miracle like the ones in the Bible to be able to get me out from under the ***hole I'm stuck married to at the moment. But I have to keep everything about leaving to myself until it's time to leave, and then just do it.

Keep me posted on how you are doing & maybe that will help me hold on too. Take care.
RMW

Hi RMW. Sorry you are going through tough time. I do not know your story fully, I could not find your posts. Your H sounds like a control freak... my xBF was like that too for certain things.

I won't say I'm doing good, but trying each day. Different circumstances, but we are both fighting to get stronger. Do you have a job that can support you financially? Do you have family members who can help you out? Once you have the economical independence, at least logistics can get easier...

Hugs.

Are you staying NC with your XBF?

Thanks Candy Crushed, the thought of a hug felt good. No I have nowhere to turn right now. I am not able to hold down just any job and will have to have some guidance & probably training for one that will totally support me. But this week when I went to CR I asked for a sponsor because things felt so hopeless. We talked Tues. night until I had to go because I was hurting & so tired. Besides, it wasn't something that we could discuss at our worship gatherings. But today she & I talked for over an hour & she shared things with me that I would never have guessed. I gave her the "big picture" and all details that came up in our long talk. There are still uncertainties about a lot of things, but having her to talk to & her knowing more about some things that can help, possibly sooner than thought before, at least I have that to reflect on. When Monday get a here, Dr. Ford will be back in her office and hopefully give me more guidance in the workfield with as little extra training as possible. I spoke with the secretary at the office & she sounded positive about the possibilities.
Unfortunately my H will be off work tomorrow & I will have to deal with him all day. But with the support of my sponsor, she is helping me keep my thoughts in line to accomplish what Dr. Harley guided me to do. Even though she is only one person in the process, her hugs and guidance and telling me about things that could be easier once the opportunity arrives, has given me more strength than I have felt in quite some time. At least I don't feel totally alone fighting my battles.
I hope you are doing well and managing to keep your xbf away from you. I know how hard that can be. Back in the 90's, I actually had to get a restraining order to keep one man out of my life. He would not leave me alone & I was raising my two children alone. Thankfully there was child support & he was a Cpt. in the army. So I focused on my children, the Lord and trying to find what had caused me to suddenly start having seizures at the age of 27. I spent 10 years that I dated only one man (the one with a restraining order against him) and was actually happier than I had been married. Then after 10yrs, I met someone in church & one Sunday, something just clicked. Must have for him too. We dated 9mos with no sex and then married. It didn't take long for a jealous 16yra old stepdaughter to start doing everything possible to destroy the marriage, and it worked. I spent the next 8 years dating different people, for engaged once & found out he was a sex addict and pretty much called it off with men unless they were willing to keep it on a friend only basis. During this time, I met a legally blind man & we developed a relationship that was more of a father/daughter thing. He definitely would get five it to me full blast if I did something that would hurt myself (thankfully) but he was also there to show me how much I mattered. And just before he died, he told me to follow my gut where this relationship started. Had it not been for my abandonment issues along with my inability to work at the time I might have been strong enough to blow this man off. Oh well, that's the past. It's time to look to the future and see where there is help in helping me find a job to be totally independent. I have definitely learned a bunch about red flags & what to learn before even allowing any close emotional attachment to a man happen ever again. And it will definitely guided by Dr. Harley next time rather than the issues I fell weak to before.
Hope I haven't bored or confused you in any of it all. Just can't go back over everything written to see if I repeated stuff or gave proper details. My phone isn't big enough & can't use his computer. He can't get in, and is actually not motivated to anyway.
Take care, Happy Thanksgiving and let me know how it goes for you. Big hugs back to you, hope it feels like a rainbow for you. (I'll settle for peace & be blissful).
RMW

Well, I was maintaining NC for quite some time, and I was getting stronger. But some triggers did make me feel very vulnerable and weak from time to time. Then I missed him so much and start obsessing him (and I KNOW that I am re-writing the history and making everything look beautiful and wonderful when I miss him). I never had a courage to block him. So despite I deleted his number, when he contacted me, I could have read those texts. Which clearly pulled me back (and I know this is preciously why people recommend blocking your ex...).

So I began to feel that I still loved him. This thought was making my day to day life so much harder. Trying not to contact him became a huge task (but I was still doing NC). Then one day, this is probably several weeks back - my security alarm went off when I took my dog out in the morning (I forgot to disarm before I left the house). I did not bring my phone with me. My son's phone was in my room and he could not hear it. The security company called my phone, my son's (they were both in my room and on silent mode so my son did not realize the phones were ringing), and since no one was answering, they called my xBF (he was another contact, which I completely forgot to take off when we broke up). He freaked out that someone did break in our house and frantically calling me (and since I was not answering he was even more convinced that something might have happened, and thus asked the dispatcher to send police to our house). When I realized how worried he was and so many missed calls, my feeling in the fantasy world (that I still love him) was confirmed. I broke down on NC and called him to let him know we were ok. Initially he was thrilled that I return his texts and calls sometimes, but as time goes by, he got used to that and then must have realized that this does not mean that he could not come back to my house. I noticed that he is getting frustrated for not getting what he wants (he does not say this explicitly, but he seems to be getting short with people - he always had short temper but it seems worse and also with me in some of his responses). Rather than using this as an opportunity to win me back, in his mind I am not making this easy for him and he is not pleased, that is my take.

I am clearly wasting my time.

Wow RMW. You have gone through a lot. As baggage grows, it's increasingly difficult to trust own judgement and hold onto hope. At least that is the case for me.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't have wise and practical advice as I am failing to follow people's advice on a consistent basis. But it is helpful for me to come here from time to time (I do not come visit as often anymore, as it reminds me of xBF) to see how others in similar situations manage to stay strong. It gives me courage. Hope you stay around too to get more experienced MBers' perspectives and feedback.

One day at a time. Happy Monday!

Hi candycrusher, I'm sorry you are struggling so hard with mixed emotions. That is one of the hardest things to make it through. But you can do it, I believe in you. I wish I could have NC with H, but at least I made it out to the college today & spoke with one of their counselors. Got my transcript & paperwork on about 4 or 5 different degrees or certificates to look through. I'm just praying & keeping on reaching out for God's guidance in whatever this leads me to. I still have plenty of research & waiting to do. Waiting until I can get our & away from him is the hardest part. Only thing I can figure is my situation being used to make me strong enough for the day I am finally free of him!
Don't give up on yourself!! Just because you stumbled doesn't mean you can't get back up & start over. We all have so much to learn - I'm just thankful for when I get to see what it is I'm learning...that helps make me stronger. My mind keeps jumping forward to the day I'm in my own kitchen, cooking for no-one but me & possibly a friend or two on occasion. I can't process that part of the learning though, because right now I have to focus on schooling, job prospects for the future, and just what kind of budget I will need to live by - tight for sure. But that's ok. Even if I need to get stuff off my shoulders by coming here with all that's going on at one time, it's nice to know someone understands.
I will keep you in my prayers - I think of you every day because I know how hard your struggles are. I've been there before too.
Taking care of yourself is of the utmost importance right now so that you and your son are both safe from your xbf. ❤🙏

Sorry about the #s on the post. MB doesn't accept the hearts & praying hands I put on there for you.

RMW, thanks for your prayers. How are you doing? Glad to see that you are making progress on your job search and schooling.

I am having sleepless nights thinking about my son's schooling choices and future lately. I want him to have more options and possibility, but guiding him through in this journey is sometimes overwhelming, and I wish I had a true partner I could share some of the ideas with. Son's father is not very good at doing any hard lifting, and he is not paying for any of these things, so I am on my own. I do not want my son to be at disadvantage, just because he is growing up in a single parent household.

On the relationship front.... I realized that my contribution to attracting bad candidates (or that I am attracted to bad guys) is that I cannot feel romantic around nice guys who are not physically attractive. I do not want to sound shallow. I do not need for a guy to have six pack or anything. I look for men's intelligence first. Educational background or professional contribution are important as well. But I cannot deny that looks are also important to me. He does not need to look like Bradley Cooper, but I have to be attracted to him as a guy, not just as a decent human being.

The problem is, at this age, many guys who show interest in me look very old and I cannot see them as my potential romantic partner. I have some old friends who continue to ask me out when they learn that I am single, and they are all wonderful people - they are smart, successful, caring, responsible, and do not have xBF's traits, but I am not attracted to them. But I am getting older too, so I cannot be so picky. Maybe I can never find someone I am attracted to who do not have personality issues. Very discouraging.

Bless you Candycrusher, you sound so much like me until it hurts to know your pain & trials. I can remember going through so much of what you are going through now. The biggest difference was I was a stay at home mother married to an officer in the army So I had child support demanded by the military.
In some ways it was good but in others it was bad. That's why it took me so long to get out into the job force to try to earn money. And then when I went back to school & got my national certification as a massage therapist I didn't know that the injuries to my back would be such a negative factor & carrying the massage table would finish my back off. Things looked better on Monday as far as hope for a self supporting job at my age with my condition, plus being over 50. I'm totally exhausted from everything I'm having to deal with here (including a sneaky, lying, anger dominant man). My nerves are wrecked on by him as much as job/education hunting. If you have any ideas about jobs for a 51 yr old woman who isn't able to stand for long periods or lift anything heavy, it might help.

I'm losing weight fast enough now because of the stress, that it doesn't even feel healthy. I've gone from a size 10 back down to where my 4's & 5/6's fit again in less than 4 mos. I found porn movies in one of my H's drawers on the 17th & when I started asking questions, being careful how I asked them, he blew up anyway. He could be back from his (supposedly thought by him) secret mission of getting them out of the house. I checked, but didn't leave any trace of evidence of my snooping. But I got pictures on the 17th that he doesn't know about. & It's not the first time I've found porn hidden. He claims he was keeping them for $ for a friend, but he lied when he said he took them to an ex for her to keep for the owner to come back. When I questioned him last night he said he sold them to the ex...what's the truth, you know what I mean. That was before I even found these two & one of them looked like the one I found before. If I'd been smart, I would have gotten & dated pics of it back then, then I could have either proved he lied about taking it out or that he had that one plus the others hidden that he didn't bring up when confronted the 1st time.
After his blow up last night, I had to take my seizure RX & move to the love seat just to rest at all. His behavior is making it harder to think when it comes to clear thinking about employment - that plus all the negatives I've run into in that field itself. How does a mostly stay at home mom get back out there with so little to go on. I'm not real sure what else to look for right now.
Sorry about mixing the subjects together, but I'm still tired from last night plus the job hunt. Believe it or not, I come here every day to look for situations being worked on, just to find comfort. And to see how you are doing, when I know things are going better for you, it gives me a reason to smile, and when they're going worse, it gives me the opportunity to share how I've already made it through similar conditions and try to give you the hope for the better of it all. It was hard living on just the child support with my kids a growing up & having to accept food stamps, but I knew I couldn't go out & work & still be there for my kids the way I had needed someone to be there for me - plus get $ related counseling so I didn't pass on the same abuse I went through & protect them from my mother which was a big part of our lives at the time. When I confronted her in the middle of her abusive tactics and told her I wouldn't allow her to abuse my children the way she had me (2 times) she through me out of her house both times. I said fine & left & didn't have anything to do with her again until she came to me. At least she did finally learn to stop abusing or I wouldn't have anything to do with her...reminded me of have to tell her I wouldn't have an abortion when I found out I was pregnant the first time, just so I could finish school on her orders. Even though I'd been married for 9mos before I got pregnant. Wow!! Without God in my life, I don't know how I made it. Even a psychiatrist who tested me for bipolar on my request due to a previous marriage, said I wasn't bipolar & that it was a miracle that I was even alive for all that had happened to me. God is all that pulled me through.
Take care & let me know how things are going when possible. I'm afraid my H now, will show back up while I'm on the site & start something, so I have to go. Wish I had more good news to give, I just have to wait on God in His timing & keep on trucking as much as utterly possible. Prayers & hugs to you, heartfelt,
RMW
P.S. - whomever you find will have to be attractive to you, that actually is a need for a good relationship. Guess that's 1 reason other than bad behavior I couldn't flag at the time, that I ended up with who I'm with now - that & the fact that I hadn't outgrown my mother's lies to me at such an early age.

Thanks for your encouragement RMW. Take a good care of yourself. I am praying that you get some relief on the financial independence and your health issues. Hugs.

I am doing better, trying not to think too much these days, lol. You are right, I cannot force myself to be attracted to someone I am not attracted to. Dr. Harley includes physical attractiveness as one of the 'needs', although I believe it's more common for men, but if that is one of my 'needs', then it is what it is.

Hi Candycrusher,
I hope you have a good weekend and things go well for you and your son. I understand the fairing better not thinking these days.

I got a good report from my doctor today. He was encouraging on my moving forward and could understand my heart rate being a little high due to my tag being stolen just before time for me to leave (replaced when I got back) & for the fact that the stress is high in the present due to circumstances. At least my blood pressure wasn't affected by it.

Before I came back to town, I visited the mall in Dothan & spent an hour just walking around in peace, looking at things I enjoyed bit didn't actually feel a need to buy. That was the brightest part of my day. It was almost as good as getting to go to the beach. I just focused on the positives & thanked God for being there with me.

Still job hunting but there are few positions I could hold up under so far & none of them would pay enough to be totally self-supportive. But this is the time when I just can't quit, regardless of how discouraging it seems at the moment. As the Bible says, "this too shall pass". And I keep holding on to that and the other promises God made. Just have to do my part.

Take care of yourself & your family, and prayerfully you will find more peace as each day passes.
RMW

This is just my journal.... I feel that God is showing me lots of signs to make me realize how toxic the relationship was and particularly damaging to my son's well-being, and how I should be encouraged to move on.

My son and I went to church yesterday. We had a guest speaker who is a very highly accomplished attorney. He talked about many incidents where he felt he was called upon, where his faith was tested on, etc. One of the stories was about this 14-year-old boy who shot and ended up killing his mother's live-in boyfriend who was abusive. BF punched the boy's mother, she fell on the floor and was unconscious, and the boy thought she was dead (she was not). Despite this background, he was put in an adult facility where he was abused physically and sexually by other inmates. The lawyer (the guest speaker) told the boy "I will get you out of here, just wait", and the boy cried uncontrollably and begged him not to leave him behind.

This crushed my heart. My son, who often falls asleep (not proud of this but I'm trying to be honest here - he goes to Christian school but finds all the Bible time boring) during the mass, not only stayed awake the whole time, but he was leaning forward to listen as if he did not want to miss any single words out of the speaker.

On our way home in the car, I did not say anything but my son said "that speaker was great. It was one of the best masses I attended. The story about the 14-year-old was powerful and touching". It broke my heart to think that possibly he could relate to the story. Just one day prior, we were discussing about his schooling, and out of blue (I still do not know why he brought this up) he said "like xBF, that jerk, that useless sXXX, I'm so glad you dumped him!" As if he could read my mind that I had been still secretly missing xBF.

These incidents made me realize how much my son hated xBF, even though he NEVER really talked back or used dirty language to talk to xBF. All these years, he was respectful toward xBF, even though he hated xBF and he told me so behind xBF's back.

Then the news about the SC's 3-year-old girl. Her mother's live-in boyfriend was (as predicted) involved and responsible for at least hiding her body. He might have even killed her. This news affected me a lot, as if it is a cry from my son that he could have been that little girl, even though my xBF did not physically abuse my son, he was killing my son's spirits and self-esteem and sweet personality. Clearly many commented how it was the girl's mother's fault that it happened, since she let such monster live in the house. I felt that I was being blamed also for letting my xBF abuse my son for this long.

Today I came across this article about a lady whose mother stayed his her boyfriend even though he hated her and she hated him. The lady to this date still finds it hard to forgive her mother for staying with him.

All of these incidents and stories are screaming at me, reaching out to my heart and almost grabbing it with nails digging into it. I hate being this weak and emotionally dependent on xBF. He did not do anything, really, and I can't believe I rewrote the story and almost believed that my son might be OK with him as long as he changes!

Last week, when I went to my car, there was a piece of paper on my windshield. I thought I might have gotten a ticket (I did a bad parking job), but it turned out it was a love note. A few days prior to that, someone parked so close to my car that I could not get out. He was still in the car, realized that I was having a hard time, and pulled his car to park a little further away from mine. After that, we just walked together to the building talking about how tight these parking spaces are. When we got to the building (he uses different elevators to go to floors that the elevators I use won't stop), he told me his name and asked for my name. That was it. The note was from him. He said there was no other way to communicate so he left this note, and if I would be interested in taking a walk sometime during the lunch time.

I am not interested in dating him at all, and so I sent him email to the address he provided in the note stating that I am respectfully declining his offer if that is a date as I am not interested, but if he is looking for a friend to exercise with, I can walk sometime. Anyway, this too seems like a sign from God that I should be more hopeful about my future and find more strength to move forward.

Sorry for the long journal, I needed to get it out of my chest, as my pain for letting my son suffer is now weighing on very much.

And just to show how disconnected xBF was... and how he brainwashed me... He always told me "of course your son does not like me because I tell him NO, something you and your xH cannot say to your son", "I am in his way so he does not like me but you need to think what is best for him", etc. These comments sound very sincere, except, he verbally and emotionally abused my son. But that's what he has told his friends and family, so they believe that I am just spoiling my son and xBF was a bad guy who disciplined my son, and as a result my son hated him and that is why I broke up with him.

Good. I'm glad you broke up with him for his abuse towards your son. In blended marriages, the only one who is supposed to do the discipline is the biological parent. The step parent is to go to the biological parent & discuss any issues they may have & come to an agreement, and then the biological parent is to put the agreement of any discipline into action. I hope you are feeling better these days. Just remember to hold onto God's love for you and the love that the positive people in your life give.

Can't say things will work out for my marriage, but at least God granted me grace & guidance to get H calmed down for the moment. Hopefully until at least next Wednesday. Prayerfully, with God's guidance I can find the answers to what I need to do, one day at a time & be able to focus on taking care of what I need to do in my self-support delimma. And the bills coming up. I have until the 22nd to separate our vehicle insurances & nor be responsible for his & payment isn't due until the 26th. Plus if we break up before then I won't even be able to pay for phone charges. I'll keep praying for you, please keep praying for me. There is so much stress that I've lost down from 158lbs down to 139lbs now in the past few months. It's really hard to eat when the stress alone is making you throw up, even on an empty stomach. & there is no way pregnancy is even a possibility. Even after menopause I've heard of women becoming pregnant, but it takes two to make a baby - and that ain't happened.

Well, prayers both ways, take good care of yourself and keep me updated. HUGS!!!
RMW

Hi RMW, my goodness, you lost 20 pounds in a few months, that is not good. Do take care of yourself. I know it is easier said than done, but your health comes first. I had some health issues last year, and realized none of these problems we are talking about right now really matter if you are not even healthy. You are in my prayers.

I was not clear as to why you need your H to remain calm till next Wednesday - is that because of the logistics you mentioned, that you will separate your vehicle insurances and sorting out other financial issues?

Is he interested in following MB Principle? Is he open to counselling? If you separate, he will need to pay you maintenance sweetie.... so that should give you some financial relief. Hugs.