Here's my vent. Maybe others share the same or similar challenges through reconciliation.
I understand people knowing about my husband's affair and sharing their concerns. But what's really annoying is when people start assessing my whole long reconciliation process with critical opinions. People who have gone through infidelity themselves, some having divorced and some having stayed, are surprisingly critical with strong opinions about how I as a cheated wife cope and process this.

Has anybody else found this to be true? How do you address people who know it all and who present themselves as better experts for your problems than they have been with their own?

And people like family and friends do care. I get that. But boundaries are often crossed with things audaciously stated and even expected.

Hi Runnerup, welcome to Marriage Builders. This is a two edged sword. We do have couples who successfully reconcile, where the wayward spouse ends the affair [all contact] and makes amends to the betrayed spouse. Those are the situations most people praise and applaud, because it makes sense. Sure, some ppl are naysayers [rare] but they easily ignored.

On the other side of that coin, there are sadly misguided betrayed spouses who use horribly bad judgement and stay in very obviously hopeless, toxic situations. Those typically receive quite a bit of - warranted - criticism because decent people don't like to sit by and watch folks wreck their lives with destructive decisions. It's like watching a drunk driver; no one wants to sit by silently.

Some things in your post make think it may be the latter: "people start assessing my whole long reconciliation process with critical opinions." I don't know your situation, but if it is the latter, I dearly hope you keep an open mind.

From my experience, the people closest to me (my sisters and closest friends) were very critical and not too supportive that my ex WH and I were going to try to recover the M. I felt the same way that you did, frustrated. It turns out that he went on to have another affair.

On the other hand, my sister's H had an affair (this was 2 years after my WxH's affair) and when they decided to work on recovery, we all were cautiously supportive. And they turned out to fully recover.

I would not completely dismiss people's concerns as them being overly critical - they may be seeing something that you cannot.
IMO, after many years on the forums, a big problem we see are betrayed spouses who are not being cautious enough. They want to quickly move to recovery and not make sure all red flags are being addressed.

Can you tell us more about your recovery and what's going on?

My OP is a bona-fide vent and interest in whether anyone else can relate.

But here's the back story.

We've been to counseling and he's been learning the difference between regret and true repentance, a lesson that's so elementary that it's a given to human beings while, to others, it's some foreign type of rocket science as are honesty and sexual morality.

He's been doing some work - accountability of his whereabouts, password transparency, answering endless questions repeatedly and consistently, coming home, going to church/Bible Studies consistently, staying under leader mentorship, all the things he wouldn't do previously pre-affair.

And there is still his outlook and attitude that identifies him with other males in their adolescence. He is not a sacrificial co-provider of the home. He gives me money for bills and buys me flowers/dinner, taking me on dates. But his money management indicates he is relying on my parents to pick up the tab when things get difficult. During discussions about that problem, he becomes sarcastic like a real game-player. This is simply the personality of him and some within his circle of close relatives: If you complain about the flaws they have that hurt you (like using or misusing people), then they label you a hater...or a mere complainer. Accountability has to be wrung out of them like water from a drying sponge. Entitlement issues that he knows he battles with.

There are people who see his change, as we all do (though I can't ever trust him as him being such a good liar can mean he has 2nd strategy). And those are the people who sort of approach it with a shrug with words like: "Well, he did it; what do you want him to do?"..."You're still not over this?" (2+ year affair that ended 2 years ago)

There are people who say, "Well, if you don't trust him, then why not just get a divorce?" As if, because such a decision I'd make would be easy on them, it would be easy on me, too...

And there are these encounters:

On one side:
- comments that I'm not being forgiving if I talk about what happened because continuing to bring it up is a sign of unforgiveness.
- comments that, in general, betrayed spouses' anger and rage are a sign of jealousy.

On another side:
- "You shouldn't be having sex with your husband without using a condom...I hope you're not sleeping with him without using a condom." ...as if I am trying to ask for such unsolicited advice.

Who was the OW? How did he meet her? Was she married? Was the affair ever exposed? Has he closed all avenues that he used to carry on his affair?

What extraordinary precautions have been put in place?

- met ow at a bar
- yes, she was married
- yes, it was exposed. After she called me to introduce herself, I exposed it to family, church leaders, and some friends. Husband was humiliated because it revealed another life. he was known in the community as a family man.
- in addition to no contact, he changed his # and emails.
- I have access to his phone. The fact that he's home all the time is extraordinary in itself because it's a quantum leap from the little time he used to spend here. considering how I've dealt with this, cursing with words I had not used in decades. cursing him completely out constantly, considering he used to be intolerant of me arguing with him to a certain level. He's not even more tolerant. He's just tolerant - period.

There are other ways that prove he's changed. I've communicated about them over 100 times probably to counselors, confidants, support groups...

again, I'm not trying to argue for or against my wh's "change". How he's changed does not matter to anybody more than it would matter to me if I could ever trust him again. the question is not the point of my op.

Was OW�s BH told? How much UA time do you and your H get?

I have found that there are so many people that believe they are experts on recovery and many of them are far from it. Sometimes after going through a terrible experience such as an affair you may find yourself changing the people that surround you.

One of the core pieces to recovery according to Dr Harley is that once you get your questions about the affair adequately answered you should never talk about the affair again.

It sounds like this affair was over 2 years ago and you continue to talk about it, even berate your FWH for it. Is this true? This will not only keep the affair front and center of your mind and continually trigger you, but it will also give your FWH a sense of hopelessness as you constantly remind him of his mistake. This is very damaging for the marriage.

Also, does the OW live close? Does your FWH still go to bars?

runnerup, hopefully he is not tolerant of arguing and bickering because it is terrible for marriages. Most marriages don't ever recover from infidelity because they don't know how to create an affair proof, romantic marriage afterwards. Rather they limp along in a crippled state and eventually fall apart.

Are you still arguing and bringing up the affair?

Have you read this and listened to the radio clips in here? What is Just Compensation?

I am still processing quite a bit from the affair - even 2 years after dday. In other support groups + counseling, I've poured out and received an abundance of feedback. I've also read through some materials here as well as seen videos.

I do plan to answer questions about my situation in the form of opening up in other threads. I'm still in the phase of testing waters here for continued support online.

But right now, in this particular thread, all I'm looking for is anyone who can relate to being challenged by other people in your life through your marital reconciliation. And I gave examples.

To take the entire question and concern of my original post into a totally different direction of just jumping on all the details of what happens feels like a complete hijack. I was looking for a place where posters communicate at a steady pace for the sake of relevance while weaving in comments on deeper things, as opposed to jumping straight to the responders' subject of choice.

Thanks anyway

With all due respect, it doesn't sound like you have an effective plan of recovery if you are still talking about the affair 2 years later. Keeping the tragedy of the past in the present is a disaster for recovery.

The Marriage Builders program helps you create a happy, romantic marriage in the present so you CAN leave the affair in the past. If you are interested in that plan of recovery, we would be happy to help you. We are not hijacking, but supporting. When we see holes in someone's recovery, we try to help them.

I think you are probably looking for a chat forum. This forum is set up to help posters implement the principles of Marriage Builders.

thanks for clarify. I do appreciate.

I talked about the affair in the thread because I was asked for specifics. I was actually asking if others can relate to people giving unsolicited comments about the reconciliation. that is what compelled me to write - to see if anyone else was going through that. People literally making unsolicited comments about betrayed spouse jealousy, sex with spouse in reconciliation, etc.

I feel now like I was trapped with questions to answer so that responders can give this comeback of, "O, you're still talking about the affair." When I'm asked about it, of course I'll give details - especial details that I internalize.

And yes, I do talk about it under other circumstances like to somebody needing to know if anybody can relate to them or needing anybody who understands, and under circumstances when I'm triggered or am down.

Thanks for the clarification. Some of your comments made it sound like you were still bringing it up TO HIM. It is good that you are not!

When we get comments about jealousy, we respond that jealousy is a good thing:

I definitely do still talk about it with him. I speak about it with him less than a year ago. And the frequency of last year was less than a year before.