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Hi Everyone. I posted this in the recovery section, but since some of my friends come to this forum, I thought I' post the following here, too.<P><BR>I know there are a lot of new people here who do not know my story. A year ago, I ended a 6 month EA/PA, and really didn’t know what I wanted out of life, out of my marriage - or even out of myself. At the time, I confessed the A to my H, I really wasn’t sure what I was doing. I didn’t know how the A started, I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. When I told my H about the EA/PA, I told him that I wanted to try and work things out - that I loved him and I didn’t know how this could have happened to us. In my mind, I was so confused, that I kind of told myself that I would “give it a year” to see what would happen. That if “things” didn’t get better, work out, whatever - then my H and I both would have to decide what to do.<P>Anyway, in April, it will have been 1 year since the EA/PA ended for good. My H and I are going to the Outer Banks for vacation, but I am planning several surprises for my H - to thank him for his love, kindness, compassion and patience over the past year. He really is the love of my life.<P>The following, I thought might be kind of interesting for some, but mainly, it was kind of a cleansing experience for myself - to see where I started and how far my H and I have come in recovery. It's a collection of some of my posts at various points in recovery.<P>I know we still have a long life/marriage ahead of us, but I thought I’d share the following. . .so, that BS and WS both can see that there is hope under the worst of situations. Again, THIS IS LONG, and I pretty much gathered all of this for my own development, but. . .If you find yourself needing something to read, to give you hope whatever your situation, here it is, the SKM CHRONICLES.<P>"Low-Life Slug Days(3 Months After DDay)<P>Right now, every day, I feel like this huge failure. Even though I know I've been forgiven by God and my H, I still feel pretty worthless. It's like I view everyone else on this higher level, an even level where no one has cheated, lied or gotten into trouble - and by the choices I made, I'm living on this sub-human level. I not only hurt the one person that I truly love, but I've completely blown any self-respect I may have had for myself.”<P>I've have asked my husband Why do you love me? Why do you stay with me when all I do is cry? Maybe it would be easier for me to leave? Each time, my H answers those questions lovingly, honestly and patiently. He loves me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I guess he sees some good in me that I just can't right now.”<P>Panic & Stupid Questions (4 Months After DDay)<P>Today he (OM) calls. Just a few minutes ago. I'm in such a panic, my heart is in my throat. I truly don't know what to do. I know that I don't love this person, but can you ever be friends? In my mind, I think I crossed that line a long time ago, and it's too late to be friends. I really feel up-rooted right now. I don't want to hurt my H, I don't want to hurt my marriage, I just really need some to tell me what to do. If your reading, please respond. <P>My H is aware of the contact, but I didn't tell him about the first phone call until a week had past. Why? I don't know - even though there are probably a lot of theories out there. But for that one week, I felt absolutely miserable - not that I was starting anything up or wanted to, but I felt like I didn't say stop calling me strong enough. I'm a whimp. I have trouble saying no (and that's quite obvious). <BR>I'll tell my H tonight, see what he thinks, get his help. I just hate unloading all of this stuff on him. I feel so darn selfish, it's all "me, me, me." Will it ever end? In my heart, I know it will eventually, and I know he stands with me. I don't want to be mean to the OM, but my H is more important to me than anyone else in this world. So, I just have to fix my focus again. When I posted earlier, I physically felt like I was going to vomit.<P>“I Don’t Know” - 4 ½ Months After DDay<P>As a betrayer, I give a lot of "I don't know" answers to my H - even now that we're almost 5 months into recovery. I don't use the "I don't know" response to get out of answering a tough question or to spare my H's feelings, I honestly don't know. <P>I don't know why the A happened, I don't know why I was attracted to this person, I don't know why I still think about the OM (occasionally), and I don't know why I cry sometimes, I don't know why I look distant, I don't know why I don't feel "happy" right now. I think they're genuine answers to difficult questions. <P>Well, everyday I'm with my H, I see how wonderful, caring and loving he is. He truly loves me - even after all I've put him through. He knows when something is wrong, and he cares enough to find out what it is. He's my best friend and an awesome H.<P>The love I have for my H may not be the same as when we first got married, but I think we will eventually have a stronger love. <P>High Expectations and “The Vacation” - 5 Months After DDay<P>I guess I expected the clouds to disappear and the skies to open - that the magic wand would have been waved and everything would be perfect - everything would go back to normal. Well, I guess my lesson learned is to be careful for what you wish for - because everything DID go back to normal. We were bickering over small things, I was irritable, I was moody, I was having doubts once again, I was thinking about the OM - again - I was thinking way too much. <P>Anyway, when we got home, I asked my H how he thought our vacation was - he said he had a great time. I asked him to rank it among other vacations that we had taken, and he gave it a B+. He asked me what I thought, and I said (excuse my verbiage) I thought it sucked. And he asked why, so I told him how I was feeling - what I had expected - that it wasn't anybody's fault (maybe even more my fault than his), I just wished it would have been different - more loving than bickering. And it wasn't all bickering, but I guess that's what I focused on - I guess it was my perception, I don't know if it was warped or what - but my H thought things went great. But I gave the vacation a C - average, nothing spectacular. <P>I then asked my H to name five things that were good about the trip - his number one answer was that he got to spend it with me. I melted. <P>I guess I finally realized that we may not have a perfect marriage - but we're trying.<P>Remorse, Again - 5 ½ Months After DDay<P>But, I'm having those feelings all over again - that I'm worthless, that I don't know why my H still loves me - even after the affair, even after I told him that our vacation sucked. <P>When you're younger, you always try to think about who you will be when you grow up, what you'll be doing . . .Well, I don't really like the person I've become, or the type of person I represent. <P>Now, I realize that I don't really like who I am, what I did. I cry most of the time - instead of laugh. I'm irritable and moody - not loving or lovable. I make no positive contributions to my life or anyone else's. My H deserves better than me, the world could do without me. (Have you noticed that the pity party has started?) <P>The Freakin’ Plates - 6 Months After DDay<P>Lately, I've been trying to do nice things for my H - buying him little things, calling him, e-mailing him. . .trying to do my share of rebuilding our marriage. But he can get into bad moods, too, and the other night he wanted me to move so that he could get some plates out for dinner. . .And I said that the plates in the dishwasher are clean, let me get two out of there. . .I figured, hey no sense getting out new plates then putting away more plates. . .They were all clean, right. . .call me lazy. . .but he just looked at me with this disgusted look. . .Mind you, I have been trying really hard to change and not be so selfish. . .and I was in a really good mood - for once, those seem hard to come by, at least in the early stages. . .But anyway, no thank you for getting the plates out, nothing. . .that didn't bother me, but I could tell he wasn't happy . . .because if you don't do it his way, well, you just aren't doing it right. . .I don't want to sound mean, but we got into a little tiff - about freakin plates! <P>That led to me thinking, what did I do wrong, do you still love me, are you always going to love me. . .For a WS, I think we, in the back of our minds are still worried that our Hs haven't really forgiven us - that if it were so easy for us to have an affair (especially since I wasn't looking for one) then when I'm a monster, or get cranky. . .will he say "that's it, that's enough." It scares me to think that he would leave me. . .but it's a very real fear. . .I think mainly because I haven't actually forgiven myself and that maybe - even though he's always been faithful to me - I could stand to lose him. . .That I did this horrible thing and a plate or a look could send him over the edge and packing. . . <P>Coming To My Senses? - 7 Months After DDay<P>I guess for me. . .it has been 3 months since absolute no contact, it's been over 6 months since I ended the affair. . .and in all honesty, I finally see and realize that I never loved the OM - it was an infatuation - it was someone making me feel special, making me feel attractive, making me feel happy. . .Yeah, I guess he was meeting some of my needs, whatever they were at the time. . .but now, after three months of no contact, I really can see the relationship for what it was - it wasn't love. <P>Sometimes, I feel like we take each other for granted, but you know I would rather be working on my marriage (to the greatest guy in the world) than maintaining contact with the OM. . .My H really is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. . .Sometimes, it takes that realization for the WS to break out of the fog. . .For me, I finally decided that I could not hurt my H anymore, that I had to give 100% to my marriage, and after 6 months, things have gotten better. <P>The affair is nothing but an illusion of happiness and that true happiness comes from within. <P>I myself am a WS spouse, and sometimes I lash out at my H, and at times it seems like I am one huge blob of irritableness, insensitivity, selfishness, and negativity. I feel like a walking nightmare sometimes. . .<P>There are days I just want to quit my job and sell coconuts on the beach - but deep down I know that will never happen. <P>More Revelations - 8 Months After DDay<P>At the time, I knew my H was a loving and patient person. But, now, after 7 months, I am finally starting to really appreciate what he has gone through, for "us." And we're finally starting to meet each others' needs -instead of my H just trying to meet my needs.<P>I'm learning and growing too. I cannot change the past - I'm just learning to live with it. But, if a Genie came along and granted me one wish - it would be that this whole thing never would have happened. So, I consider the affair a mistake - cause if I had to do it over again, I would have chosen not to have one. <P>But for me, the affair brought out everything that was "ugly" in me as far as my character was concerned. I lied more and cheated more than I ever thought possible. I hurt and caused pain beyond what I thought humanly possible. Yes, I am a better person today than I was during the affair. But the credit doesn't go to the OM, to my H, or even to me. For me, the fact that I am a "better" person today - well, the credit belongs to God. <P>Remorse, Again and June Cleaver - 8 Months After DDay<P>I'm doing okay I guess. I have days were I feel really upbeat and then there are days I just feel blah. The past few days I've been pretty blah. Lately, I guess I've just been thinking too much.<P>I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how much time I have wasted in this whole affair mess - I don't know. I think it's a whole new level of remorse - not as severe, but different. And I know, I can't change the past, I need to rejoice in today - but today, I just regret the time that I have missed out on. <P>I KNOW it's stupid so don't get mad at me - I just feel like "what kind of mother would I make anyway?" I'm not exactly June Cleaver. . .And I think about how children are a blessing from God, and maybe, well, maybe I just don't deserve that kind of blessing now.<P>Tis the Season To Be Jolly - 9 Months After DDay<P>This past weekend, my H and I went to two Christmas Parties - one was being held by a mutual friend and one was being held primarily by one of my friends. We went to both, but on both nights of the parties, it took all I had to get myself together and to get myself into a "social" mood. <P>No one knows about my A - except for me, my H and the OM So, whenever I go into a social situation with friends, I always feel like I'm keeping this dark, nasty secret - that on top of all the bad feelings I've been having lately, well, throw alcohol into the mix - and I'm just a disaster waiting to happen. <P>In fact, last night I sat in the living room and just cried my eyes out while my H put up our Christmas tree. I didn't even have the energy this year to get a tree, and I always have a tree - even make a big event out of decorating it. <P>All WSs have their crosses to bear - mine is learning to forgive myself, and it's been very very hard. If I don't watch it or shake out of those "remorseful" periods, I am no better of a recovered WS than someone who is still involved in an affair.<P>I think the one thing that has helped my H and I get through this is open and honest communication. And I guess, for me at least, that my H would just sit in silence with me if I didn't feel like talking, he would ask questions, he would ask follow-up, probing questions to get at how I was feeling, but the most important thing was that he was willing to listen to what I had to say and at least try to understand where I was coming from. <P>I mean, he doesn't know what I'm going through - or what I went through - or why it happened, but he listens with an open mind. It's kind of like putting antiseptic on a wound, at first all this honest communication stings, but I think it has helped us to heal. My H has never once berrated me - even though I know I have hurt him and I know I can be frustrating at times. He never gave up on me - and I guess that's what really mattered in the end.<P>The Idealist - Where Were You a Year Ago? - 10 Months After DDay<P>I'm a Christian, and while I haven't been a good example of Christian fortitude in the past, I guess my relationship with God has become stronger. So, now, when I read the posts about what people wish for the OP (and I think it should also be said about the WS, too) - no matter how horrible the OP/WS has been, I guess I just get "sad" to hear all this anger and bitterness. I'm a very introspective person - like you probably couldn't tell- but I think a lot about everything. I'm not saying that people shouldn't come here and vent. In fact I think everyone has a right to be angry, sad, hurt, whatever by what is happening to them. But, at this point in my recovery, it's just sad that there has to be so much anger and bitterness. Again, perfectly normal and probably okay to feel that way - but when that anger or bitterness makes people say ugly things - I don't know - I am in no way judging people at all - but it just makes me sad. <P>It does feel good to know that I'm not just shooting blanks - that maybe something I have said has touched someone - anyone. You all have been a blessing to me as well. <P>What I've Learned - 11 Months(totally plagiarized from a response given to me by Just Learning)<P>In one year [I] have taken [my] marriage down to its bedrock and found that it was firmly set on bedrock not sifting sand. <P>In one year [I] have learned that [my] H loves [me] more than he can say or show. <P>In one year [I] have learned that despite temptation [I] do love [my] H. <P>In one year [I] have learned to appreciate the good qualities of [my] H. <P>In one year your H has learned to appreciate the good qualities in you. <P>In one year [we] both have learned something that many people never learn. That people love and are good to one another not because they are perfect but in spite of their imperfections. <P>In one year [we] both have learned how to take a marriage to a new depth. <P>In one year [we] have learned that the future is not that predictable so do the best with the present that you can.<P>In one year [we] have learned not to forget. So [we won’t] ever forget what [we] have learned. <P>The reason this year was a success is because [my H and I] refused to let it be a failure."<P>To all my friends at Marriagebuilders, especially Just Learning, I thank God every day for guiding me to this site. All of the caring people, all of the sharing of ideas, all of the warmth that has come through to me through your responses, well, it’s made life in my little corner of the world a little easier and a little sweeter than when I started. <P>I will never be able to put into words how much all of you mean to me, and I cannot adequately express my sincere appreciation for the words of encouragement, words of honesty, and words of understanding. There were a thousand times I was ready to give up or give in - but you all wouldn’t let me, my H wouldn't let me. And, all I can say to everyone here is “thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I think my H and I are going to be just fine.<P>In April, I plan to do the offical one-year post. My H also agreed to post with me - only the second time he has done so.<P>Anyway - to anyone who read through this - congratulations - this was my LONGEST post, but not my last !<P><BR>

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Wanted to be the first to reply. Thanks for all you've done for me.<P>Again, SKM for President! - think you'll be giving out any pardons?<P>Dave

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SKM,<P>You have given me a new insight of what it is like for the WS. Thank you for your post I feel I have learned more today from you than I did form my lawyers and counselor. Thank you for being honest and open and showing us what it is like being in thefog and breaking out. You are a strong person who has roughed out the tough seas!! I have a great deal of respect for you and your H. May God continue to be with you.

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SKM-your post made me cry, and actually today I'm very happy. And as far as "reading the whole way thru it"-it was impossible NOT to read the whole thing! I don't know if I'm crying because it makes me sad because of my situation (which is looking very good BTW), or if I'm crying because it makes me happy because of your progress & the hope it gives me. Or if I'm crying for you, or for your H for the pain you both went thru. I just don't know, I'm just crying, but actually it feels pretty good. Thank you for sharing that with us.

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SKM, even though my H and I have only been in recovery for 2 months, some of your posts reflect exactly what I've been thinking. My H at times doesn't understand why I'm so down on myself or why I'm depressed.<P>I'd find myself crying on a daily basis and although I'm doing it less, there are times I just sit down and cry my eyes out. My H thinks it's b/c I miss OM - I guess he just can't believe how terrible I truly feel.<P>Thanks for sharing.

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Thank you for sharing that and for all that you do on this forum. I love your responses to people and I have long wished that my H could call you for a counseling session because he refuses to believe it is possible to ever get that in-love feeling back or better yet, make it better than it was. He just moved out again because he just knows his feelings will never change.<P>Thanks again for sharing!

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SKM,<P>Thanks for sharing. I skimed as I was all ready in a teary mood. <P>I am so happy for you & your H, you have found peace, happiness & the knowledge to keep your marriage strong & the tools to make it even better.<P>Like exhausted I wish my H could/would talk to you put I doubt that will ever happen. <P>Thanks for everything that you do here. I believe that the Lord led you here to MB not all for yourself but for all the people you help on this board. I know that you give lots of BS hope that things can work out.<P>God Bless.

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A post from SKM is always guaranteed to be invaluable. This one is no exception. Thanks for everything you do for so many on here.

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Hey all,<P>SKM gave us valuable insight. Some of you stated that you wish SKM could communicate with their WSs. Maybe she can. She did for me. I just sent my H a copy of this post from the recovery section. I have been sending him some messages from many of you over the past 6 weeks. I think it is working. Reading the books is difficult for him, but reading the posts has been an eye opener. I think this forum should be shared (if possible) with our WSs. <P>You all have said things better than I ever could, my H now sees that he is not the only one in this situation and that his OW is not as great and unique as he once thought. You real people here have helped him, he is coming out of the vog (Hawaiian volcano - smog) and though the recover will be slow, (he is not super anxious to come home but knows this is where he belongs and wants to make it work), it is a step in the right direction. He is still kind of mixed up. Sometimes we the BSs think things are ok but the struggle with the WS may be camouflaged. SKM's writeup is helping to know what to watch for. We are not in the homestretch yet. Her words remind me to be cautious yet not judgemental with the progress my H is making. <P>I have asked for help from the WSs before, it is difficult for them to even post to this forum and I just wanted to say to those who have posted here, thanks for helping us see both sides. <P>Mahalo,<BR>L.<P>

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SKM,<BR>It is a wonderful post that other can learn from it. I love to read your posts. Both you and your H are wonderful people. You might not realize how much you have helped me to see where my wife was during her affair, even thought my situation is still somewhat up in the air.<P>I’m very happy for you and your H. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>OOOO <BR>

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Hi everyone -<P>Hey, I'm kind of impressed that people actually read and responded to this thing!! It took me like a month to scan all my posts - I have to be on the verge of 1,000 posts by now. <P>Thanks, sincerely, for taking the time to read it, and for your very kind words - they do encourage me. There are so many similarities in many of the situations here -that even if you are or have a WS that is not at the point I am at - you can see that I was mess, just like they are/were.<P>WAT - Thanks, again for your vote. Maybe next election year you can run my campaign for me. Pardons? Well, I don't know a lot of convicts personally, but I'm sure all of my friends with traffic tickets will be crawling out of the woodworks.<P>Trs - Thank you so much for your comments. I really am sorry that ANYONE has to be here on this site, but it is nice to know that no matter what your situation there are people who care.<P>Bitsy - Girl, stop crying. I spent like the first six months crying over what I had done. I really didn't mean to make anyone else cry! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] But thank you. . .from me and my H.<P>Susie - Hang in there. There are a lot of similarities between us. The absolute worst time period for me was the first 2-4 months. After two months, things really began to get better - I was no longer crying every day - just every other day. I'm finally to a point where I only cry occasionally - for no appearant reason - I think it's just PMS, but who knows.<P>Exhausted/Orchid - I know how you feel, sometimes I wish I could talk to the WSs myself. I think the problems lie in that the ones in the fog - well, they just don't know what is possible. I only learned of the possibilities by reading a lot on infidelity - and how what I'm going through is nothing new. If your spouses ever get to a point where they need a smack from a WS (see, I can get away with alot more as far as telling them what to do - because I've been there), then by all means, email me. I've given out my email before to other people - but here it is again skm_mb@hotmail.com. But, I am not a counselor in any way shape or form - the only thing I have to offer is a different perspective.<P>Rick37 - What can I say. . .You caught me when I was half-way normal. A year and a half ago - I was a mess. You probably wouldn't have even recognized me from my earlier posts - other than that they're all VERY long! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com].<P>OOOO - Thanks, buddie. You just hang in there!

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This is an old post that was brought to my attention. I am coming up on that one year mark and felt like I was at this plateau and going no where any time soon with H or M. This post made me really think of the progress I have made in the past year with my H. Thank you SKM. I just wanted to bump this post.

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Bumping this remarkable woman's chronicles
for all FWW to read.

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Thank you so much, SKM for sharing your success story with us.

You and your husband are a wonderful, forgiving and loving couple; a GREAT example for us all.)

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bump

What an insightful post for someone dealing with a WW in recovery, as I am.

I hope it has worked out for SKM...

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PS: Note how JL was helping people 8 years ago...

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JL was one of the first people who replied to me back in Feb 2004 when I first posted here.

He was great as always. I owe him a huge debt of gratitude.

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Jen, did you notice who else posted on this thread?? grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dear old WAT. He's another one who is sorely missed around here. He always promised he'd look Rob and me up on his round the world boat voyage. He must be nearly here by now!

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Jen, Summerskies and SillySillyGirl is that old HO, SARIE/IWRA/BLESSEDTIME ETAL! rotflmao


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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