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Neak Offline OP
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Hi Neaksissee!

(I'm sure you're right.)

And I didn't promise to go to bed; I said I would get up and do a few things. Which I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

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And I didn't promise to go to bed; I said I would get up and do a few things. Which I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Oh, goodie! I see you've been able to get your hairsplitter up and functioning again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

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Hi Neak,

I guess I went to bed too soon last night! I just finished reading your story and I have tears in my eyes. I am somewhat speechless. It never ceases to amaze me the h**l we can go through and survive. The fact that your husband is there and seems to hold you more precious to him than ever is a sign of hope. Here is a favorite quote of mine when searching for reasons:

The deeper the sorrow that carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. - Cahil Gibran

You did all the right things it seems. And boy girlfriend, you have moxie! I did all the wrong things. I panicked, I told him if he wanted to live the life of a single guy he could GTFO. The next day I told him I didn't really mean that and I wanted him to stay. He left anyway. I threw his clothes out on the lawn and left lots of angry messages. He filed for divorce within a month (I believe OW put him up to this). Right now he is living with her. I believe deep down in my soul that we are meant to be together. Oddly enough, I believe this more now than before the A. Go figure. He is nice to me now. He wants us to always stay good friends. He always seems to be in tears and hugging me. Sometimes he seems to want to come back but can't take that step. I worry that he won't have the balls to break up with her and come back here and try to restore our marriage. That he'll just try to live with the damage he's done. I try not to push him anymore and don't talk about the big "R". I try to "attract, attract, attract". Sometimes I think the affair will last forever, but everything I read says it can't be so. I try to just look to the future when this is all just a bad memory and we have a better marriage because of it. But I have so many doubts.

I love the fact that your mom and sister post here as well. I come from a large family - 7 kids (in grownup bodies). My mother died when I was 18 and one of my sisters passed away a few years ago. The rest of my sibs are scattered. Right now it's me and my son and it is a lonely place to be, especially this time of year. Reading your posts makes me feel at home.

Thank you so very much Neak for taking the time to post your sitch. It helps people like me that are struggling more than I can say.


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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I went straight to bed...like I said I was going to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

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Neak Offline OP
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Show-off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Shattered, I am really glad you are finding this helpful. It is helpful to me, too.

I didn't remember to put this in chronologically, but at some point after the first couple of weeks, AJ phased from indifferent to very hostile. I hated the anger, especially since it was directed at me, but somehow felt that it was an improvement. Having been here now, I know he was entering a state of conflict, and that it was a very good sign.

Your description of your WH sounds very hopeful, also. One nice thing about Plan A and Plan B is you can start them and make a difference even if you made terrible mistakes before. Even if you did lots of LB's, you still have a chance to change; it might just take a little more time and consistency to make an impression than it would have otherwise. It sounds as if he is re-attatching to you, at least somewhat, and that is good.

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I really like your phrase "I will not be the wife of someone elses boyfriend." Mind if I use it sometimes? I tell you reading the stories on MB has giving me more hope even though my WH is living with the ow. I just have to be more patient which is really hard on me. I don't like sharing the love of my life and best friend.
Thanks for sharing your story!!!!


BS 48 me WH 45 married 23 years DDay JULY 2005 WH moved out Sept 2005 and moved in w/ow a month later DD 28 DS 21
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Neak Offline OP
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Oh, please please copy me! I love to be copied - it's so flattering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There is lots of hope!!!!!!!! I am starting to see that one of the biggest obstacles is the BS losing their love and moving on before the WS comes to their senses. Often this is from not going into Plan B soon enough. I am such a big fan of Plan B! Even though I didn't have to go through it, its power was still what brought AJ to his senses. (Of course God had been working, too, but he often uses Plans A & B Himself.)

So continue in patience, but focus on taking care of yourself, too. You really are worth it.

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"I am starting to see that one of the biggest obstacles is the BS losing their love and moving on before the WS comes to their senses."

They say that all the time here, but I didn't think it would happen to me. Sadly, it did.

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Thanks for the encouragement. I refuse to give up my marriage after 23 years. Sometimes I feel like its hopeless but then I wake up and say my family is certainly worth it!!!!


BS 48 me WH 45 married 23 years DDay JULY 2005 WH moved out Sept 2005 and moved in w/ow a month later DD 28 DS 21
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I have to actually accomplish some things today, but wanted to fit in another installment before I become useful.

One of the big things I remember in my excitement of learning about A & B was the six-month time period. I was getting awfully tired, but thought I might be able to go that long, but only if I calculated it from January, not from when I found MB. That would have taken me to the end of July. *cold chills* I see now I could never have been nice for that long.

Once I came here, every moment of the day was devoted to developing new and better strategies, which might be why it seemed so long. A lot more was happening. For the first time I read that a full-forever-NC was not only something that would be really nice if I could ever get him to agree to it, but something I had to insist on if my marriage was to survive. Everything was so sensible, so hopeful, and it was such a relief to have a plan. Even better, a plan that might actually work.

The general consensus on my expert panel was that I should continue Plan A for a while. Soon I heard the new timeline recommendations, that a Plan A being carried out by a BW should only last 1 1/2-3 months, and about 6 months for a BH. I got short-timers syndrome quite badly at that. It had already been over 3 months, and I knew it would be time to wrap things up soon.

Another interesting thing was how fearful I was when I began to see that AJ was a classic cake-eater. OH NO! NOT A CAKE-EATER! But what I didn't see until later was that it was a good thing he was eating cake. The problem lies not with being a cake-eater, but in being allowed to stay a cake-eater. A greedy cake-eater is much more easily influenced by Plan B, IMO.

Wednesdays were torture to me. From the very beginning, even when the TM's were still clean, every Wednesday would see one or more messages arriving, "It's Wednesday. Are u coming over?" Sometimes he would disappear on Wednesdays, sometimes he would just come home. I spent months trying to figure out what was so special about Wednesdays. I speculated everything from it being their special sex day, to maybe when her XBF and his GF were gone from the house so they would have it to themselves, to maybe a threesome or orgy with said XBF & GF.

So this Wednesday, April 20, I was happy when he came home. He was very attentive, and (close your eyes, Mom) we did some very acrobatic things in the shower late that night.

He had to go to the Bay area first thing in the morning, but suddenly, just after midnight (and right around the time I breathed a sigh of relief because Wednesday was over), he decided to go that night and stay in a motel. That didn't arouse any suspicions, oh noooooo.

So he left.

The next day I spun a little web of information. Neaksis checked her house, and her car was there. I called him several times during the day and said very naughty things to him. For some reason he seemed kind of uncomfortable and embarrassed, and each time didn't close the call with ILY, as had become usual again.

As if that weren't enough, I checked with the employees at the job site where AJ went that afternoon, and they arrived in the same vehicle. I knew already, but then I had him dead to rights.

The next day, after intercepting a message saying, "Up with a smile, I was so tired I slept in till 10!" I was so mad I sent him the following TM: Sweetheart, I want you to know that I know you were with Gargamel from the time you picked her up the other night and took her to the motel until you dropped her off last night. I am not trying to make you angry, but I am not comfortable having sex with you while you are having sex with someone else. I want to stay married to you, and will do whatever it takes to change the things in our relationship that led to this situation as soon as you end all contact with Gargamel for good.

The long version is on my other thread. In a nutshell, he freaked out, came home from work early, and as soon as the kids went to bed went on a 6 hour paranoid rant trying to get me to say I believed him. I wouldn't say it, only replying calmly that I knew they had been together, and that they were having sex.

Ultimately you choose which bridge to die on. Mine was not saying I believed him. I gave in to his pleas for SF once he reached the final, clingy stage of the night. A controversial decision, to be sure, but prophylactics were in use and I had been fully exposed before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

It turned out he was very shocked a couple of days later to find out I still believed (KNEW!!!!!!!!) he was screwing her. It so did not sit well with him, and baffled his poor WS brain.

Well, I must get busy for a bit, really truly.

Believer, it is sad that you lost your love for your WH before he came to his senses, but it's his own stupid fault. You have been more patient than he would ever have the right to expect. Everyone sets their own timetable, and you gave him plenty of time to change his mind. You are wonderful, and he will be so sorry when he realizes that too late.

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Neak - I faintly remember that night (don't look Mom). I thought it was on the sink, not in the shower.

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Neak Offline OP
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You could be right. There were so many times in each place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ok, you can look again, Mom.

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An interesting side note on that subject, he elaborated when I asked about it, that he had not been able to do any of those type of creative things with her, because it would remind him too much of me and he wouldn't be able to do it. He said each of the handful of times it happened was strictly missionary position, over and done with. "It was just sex." (He did not mean that as an excuse, but rather in the context of its lack of deep meaning.)

He also said that on those rare occasions where he took her inside my sphere, i.e. taking her to 'our' favorite Chinese restaurant, that it bothered him terribly. Other times he was able to separate us in his mind, but at those times I would intrude and he would feel very guilty.

Yesterday when we talked, he told me that he didn't like it at all when she told him she would be willing to be a second mother to his children, "just not full-time". Even in the fog, he knew he couldn't replace me with her.

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I don't really know a single one of you but you are all my new best friends and I wish I could give you all a hug! i needed this!

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Well hang around. It does get much better, and really helps to post all of your feelings and questions here. It will help you get well enough to do what you need to do to get through this.

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Thank you so much. God led me here no doubt. I need to get some things done but I had to thank you all for being so open and helping me to do the same. I will be back and who knows what will be going on at that point. It seems to be so up and down I never know what to expect with my H so I am preparing for any and everything!

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See you later.

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He was very attentive, and (close your eyes, Mom) we did some very acrobatic things in the shower late that night.

Doggone it, Neak. I wasn't quite fast enough, and now I'm BLI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

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You could be right. There were so many times in each place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

OK, what's blind-er than "BLIND"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

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Hang in there notso/'neak, just like child birth this won't last forever. Weaver


Those of you who needed to see that, you know who you are. No matter what, there will come an end to your perdition, at the time you choose.

Mine wound up to a fast finish. On April 29, he arrived home in the wee hours of the morning. He was just coming from a trip to southern CA, but took the back way home, coming through Reno and down the mountains that way. A friend was with him, whose house was a bit higher up in the hills than Gargamel's.

He arrived home earlier than I expected, so I was very happy, thinking he had rushed home to me. He was so happy to see me, hugging me jubilantly and having his way with me, um, twice.

The next day I intercepted a TM that made it all too clear that I was not his first meat of the evening. It was revolting enough still trying to have sex with him while he was screwing her, but to fit us in so close together made me want to kill him. Ok, not kill, but at least torture and dismember for a year or two. (Guess which member I wanted to dismember first?!?)

That one incident dropped my Love Bank so low that I knew Plan B had to come with lightning speed. I could barely hold myself in from screaming at him, and without the months of self-control practice I don't think I could have. This came right during the time I was preparing to go mysteriously out for the evening.

A couple of people had discussed the possibility of putting a sprinkle of "180" in my Plan A, theorizing that since he had shown many signs of being dependent on me, but was also becoming more deeply entangled with the OW, that if I suddenly wasn't quite as available as he was used to, that he might focus more energy at home and cause stress on the A. They proved right beyond my wildest expectations. (My wildest expectation was that while they were out drinking and maybe screwing, that it wouldn't be quite as enjoyable for him if every little bit he wondered what I was doing.)

A little while before I was ready to go, I sent a TM to AJ telling him only that I was going to be with friends for the evening. He called up shortly and started being really caustic, accusing me of meeting a male friend of ours, and trying to say that something was up with me.

For what happened next, I doubt I could retell it better than I did the first time, so here it is.

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Whew! It's been a long night and day! My version differs considerably from WH.

Hers:
Shortly after 6pm, [her mother] gives her a ride to her sister's, as her car is still in the shop. Sis is gone, but is expected back any minute so Notso waits, groaning as she has to use dialup to access the MB site, looking for a way to pass the time. Also, growing quite chilly in her spring dress, she wishes she had changed before she came. Around 7pm, still online, she sends a slightly vague message to WH informing him she will be out for the evening to "see some friends and stuff". At 7:30 she gets the first of several calls from WH, the one discussed a few posts up. Then WH calls her, very angry, saying he is on his way home from work (4 hrs early) to get the kids, and it is all over between them. Notso is taken aback, and the only thing she is able to guess is that perhaps WH did indeed find a tracking device on his car and is blaming her. She waits and wonders.

His:
Shortly before noon, WH receives a mysterious call from an unknown male asking for Notso by a pet name commonly used only in pre-college days. The UM hangs up abruptly upon finding out Notso is gone. WH's suspicions are aroused, as Notso knows he will be gone to work that day. Then, when he tries to call home that evening, only Gramps answers, saying Notso left in a hurry & is not back. WH tries to call SIL's house, with no luck. (Notso is on the hated dialup, remember?) Then the vague message arrives from one who has always had a tendency to over-explain, and suddenly it all adds up: Notso is going to sleep with someone else to punish him for his transgressions. He must race home and at least save the children from her evil clutches!

[Neaksis] is still not there upon his arrival at 8:30. Notso is not dressed appropriately for the weather, still in the same dress from church. He wants Notso to go and do...whatever it was she was going to do, but she calmly says, "Oh, that's all right, I already called [my female friend] and said I would just come another night." He winces. So she still plans to go, but at least not THIS night. Completely eluding him is the irony of watching Notso like a hawk to prevent her from doing the EXACT SAME THING he had already planned to do that EXACT SAME EVENING!!!!

Oh dear friends, that was such a long discussion. We both remained calm, which was to the good, but I never in a million years expected that reaction. He at least knows very clearly that I still believe he is sleeping with OW, but that I still love him and want us to succeed in working things out. He was even clingier than the other night, holding me all night and all morning, being extra loving and giving until...

After my nap, I was still very sleepy and came out to where he was working on the computer to sit down and rest my head on his knee, as I often do, when he was just downright rude, telling me to go back to bed if I was that tired, and he was too busy for this. Translation: I am in the middle of IM'ing OW trying to make amends for blowing her off last night, and setting up our next meeting (probably going on right now), and I don't want you to see any further proof that I have been lying to you." For somebody with astigmatism, I can see pretty well.


I later found out he had lied to her, telling her some story about having an emergency with the children, and so he couldn't go out with her that night.

This little tidbit from this episode sprang from my lips after several weeks of absorbing Orchid's revers babble. It majorly scrambled him!

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WH: Do you really think I'm the kind of scumbag who would go up there and have sex with OW, and then come right back to you and have sex with you, too?

Notso: I love you, and would never want to put labels like that on you.


The look on his face as he tried to find a good interpretation for that was priceless.

A snippet from two days before the Plan B bomb:

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Another of life's little ironies...

The other night WH told me that at first he could hardly stand to touch me when we had SF, but now he desired me more than ever. But right now for me, knowing details of what he is doing with OW, I feel just like he did at the beginning, and probably worse. I am swallowing my bile with effort to maintain a very strong Plan A until the very last second when I am ready to implement B. If he weren't so busy having phone sex & worse, he might notice that I can't help being a bit more distant. Ugh!

You can see how far down my love had gone. At that point I would have fallen on my knees and thanked God wholeheartedly if AJ had only left, and stopped tormenting me. I was still willing to try again if he agreed to my PBL terms, but I didn't need him any more, barely wanted him, and would cheerfully have fed him to the pirhanas.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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