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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 2
K
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I have been married 16 years with 5 kids. My H has been friends with another female a little before me. Her and I have never gotten off to a good start. When H and I were dating he said no public displays of affection in front of this female. She also said I trapped him into marriage. I was 19, on the pill and took a round of antibiotics which canceled out the pill and I became pregnant. Since H and I were alreaday engaged to be married we just put together the wedding a little sooner. After marriage in the early years they would go to the movies and dinner alone together and if I raised an issue it was don't make me choose or you will loose because H said he knew her longer and would not have a wife controlling him. He even told her about how I felt and she called me a B**** and he never even defended me to her. She talks to him about female body issues, her menstral cycle, etc. She finally got married, and moved to another state and there contact faded to maybe once every two years. Here we are now and she is separated from her H and she is back calling mine for advice and a shoulder to cry on. She still lives far away. I told H this is no good and he said don't even discuss it because he has said all he will and that's it. I am heartsick and angry and don't know what to do? Do I call her and tell her quit her nonsense???

Joined: Apr 2000
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The post you wrote is so sad, I didn't want you to be left alone without a response. You posted in the middle of the night. I don't have any advice. But my H's friendship with another woman wore away at our marriage, and now we have attorneys to end our marriage.

Soon, someone who can be more helpful will respond to your post. I'm so sorry.


Belle, Domestic Goddess
Joined: Sep 2004
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You may want to post this over on GQII as it has more traffic or even in Emotional Needs, although this sounds more like an EA, from what I've read here.

IMHO, for what it's worth, it sounds like your H is enamoured with this woman he's known for so long. It also appears that their conversations are very inappropriate for a M man to be having with another woman. A red flag appeared to me when he said he would choose her over you because he's known her longer?????

Time to set some serious boundries with this type of behavior by your H.

But post over on those other areas and see if you get more responses. There are wiser and more experienced MBers there to help guide you in what you should be doing.

I wish you the best.


diamondsj

Me 41
H 47
M 11
DD 9
Joined: Mar 2006
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I agree with diamonski-

Sounds like an A has been lurking in your H's friendship with this female "friend". Boundaries have to be set.

The problem you'll have is that you have allowed your H to manipulate you with fear by his arrogance. He knows your soft spot and he took advantage of it. He knows you're afraid he's going to leave you if you forced him to make a choice.

The issue is: Can you live with a man who treats you with disrespect?

If not, then stand up to his bullying you. If he leaves you, know that you will be okay.

Have you two tried MC?

Joined: Apr 2006
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I am in the same situation as you. I am 21 years old and have been married 2 years. My H has been friends with this woman since shortly before we met. I used to keep her close as a friend because I was always told to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, but last year I had enough. She would call my H at all hours of the night and ask him to help her with her problems. She would tell my mother-in-law that I had said things that I had never said just to start conflict. Now my mother-in-law, with whom I used to have a wonderful relationship with, hates me and is best friends with the other woman. And my H all of the sudden doesnt love me. Nor does he "know what love is" Now that the woman is close with my mother-in-law she is always going to all the family events, christmas, thanksgiving, family bbq's etc. My husband never defends me to her or his mother. I finally thought I would get rid of both of them. My mother-in-law started building a house 2 hours away. But now she has talked my H into taking over payments on her current piece of crap house. She wont even try to sell it, and my husband is a mommas boy so what ever she asks of him, he will do. I have refused to move into her house for the simple fact that it would never be our families house, but always his mothers house. Now her new house will be ready in 2 months and he is still planning on moving in to it. Without me and my 19 mo. old son. Therefore, this summer we will be getting a divorce if I can't come up with a solution. I am completely lost on what to do. How do I get rid of this other woman and how do I keep my H from moving into his mothers house?Any help from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Last edited by Jenn15505; 04/05/06 11:34 AM.
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I don't know if this is helpful, because my situation doesn't have the some of the difficulties that you describe. My closest friend is a man, and I am female. He and I have been friends for about 20 years. We now live in separate states, but keep in touch frequently, sometimes exchanging emails everyday. During our friendship we have each dated many people and each been married. He and I exchange personal details about our lives and speak quite freely to each other. We cry on each other's shoulders. It has caused some suspicion in our mates, but there has never been anything other than friendship between the two of us and I'm sure never would be anything more. Would I get rid of him as a friend if my mate asked me to? Probably not. I couldn't throw away a someone that has been such a good friend to me for so many years. But, I have tried to comfort whoever I was dating, or my ex, that this fellow and I were only friends and have tried to let my ex be involved in discussions I was having with this friend so that he could see that this guy is not a threat to him. And I tried to show respect to this guy's wife when he was married to let her know that I was not a threat to her. It is possible to be just good friends with a member of the opposite sex.

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Hi Kaura. I have had similar problems with my in-laws and an ex girlfried. For the past 15 years one of my husbands ex-girlfrieds has been a welcome guest at my in laws home. I hated it and never trusted her. I asked my husband to talk to his family about it and he never did. Said I was being jealous. I didn't want to come off as possisive so I would grin and bear it even though my instinct told me she wanted my husband.

A year and a half ago, my husband finally admitted he had a 3 week affair with this woman in 2000.

We are in recovery and our marriage is going to be ok but I look back now and wish with all my heart that I had confronted both my in-laws and the other woman when my gut told me to do it. It probably would have helped prevent the affair.

As a result we now have a very limited realtionship with my inlaws because they enabled the affair and refuse to acknowlede/aplogize/ or correct the situation. Since they are not a "friend" of my marrriage I cannot trust them.

Read everything on this site and post in General Questions II as there are people there that can help you with the other issues.

I just wanted to share with you that you are not wrong to want this a women out of your life and you should do everything you can to accaomplish that.

Joined: Nov 2005
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I think that Dr. Harley is pretty clear on this issue. He says that the situations like Kaura, Lucy, and Pazy are describing are simply wrong. His view is that platonic relationships, even when there is knowledge by the spouse(s) of the man and a woman in the platonic relationsip, is way too dnagerous. The benefit that one gets out of such relationship is greatly outweighed by the danger of having the platonic relationship developing into a romantic relationship. Not every platonic relationship between a man and a woman turns into romantic one, but it simply is playing with fire.

I don't take such extreme view that a man and a woman cannot be friends, but the kind of friendships that Kaura's H has is too close. The problem is the split loyalties. Whatever the relationship between Kaura's H and OW is, it needs to be subservient or secondary to the relationship that Kaura has with her H. There is no question in my mind about that. Kaura should come first in her H's life.

Lucy, I understand what you are saying, but I am not sure how many spouses would be OK with your arrangement. Crying on shoulders? That's what a spouse is for. Refusing to give up a friendship for the sake of marriage, might be perceived that the friendship is more important then the marriage. No a good situations in most marriages.


Me: 50. W: 50. Happily married since 1993. 3 kids.

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