Hi LA.

I’m trying to bear the pain; I need to stay strong if not for me, for the kids.

I can’t imagine the pain this is going to inflict on them.

My DS overheard us talking about selling the house, he was terrified, and god bless his heart he asked me if we could take the new pool with us, he doesn’t even know, that
Mommy and daddy are going to be living in different places.

I have no idea how is she going to be able to look them in the eye and tell them.
But I guess like my IC told me her heart is hardened to a place that her emotions are numb, and she will not be able to feel or see other peoples pain, it’s all about her now,
And nobody can make her see the damage this will be causing, everybody including her.

The thing is humans cannot stay in this stage for too long and when they do wake up,
They will see, and they will hurt, they will hurt more, because they didn’t see it before,
Knowing if they did they would have stopped it from happening.

They might not wake up though until they hit rock bottom.

He advised me to exercise, and eat right, don’t stay at home take the kids and get out of house, go for a walk, or go to the park. This will burn the adrenaline caused by the anxiety, and I will feel better, and sleep better, and need to take care of myself, so I can
Be there for the kids, because I will have to be their rock for a while, and somehow, I need to be her rock to, when she falls.

So I will sigh up at the gym, get myself in shape; I will get a physical checkup.
I will still be the lighthouse, it’s hard but I can do it, this is all I can do.

Maybe she will peak out and see the light before she hit the rocks, maybe the light will
Guide her back to safety, maybe not.

This is out of my control.

He said the loving thing to do right now is not to shelter her from the consequences of her choices.

I told him I already told her that.
He said you did everything you could, and she knows that, she just doesn’t see it now.
Everything coming out of me right now no matter how loving the gesture is, she will
Interpret it as an attack, I told him she already does, she is been doing this a lot lately.
I don’t take it personally anymore.

I told him that I’m angry with her, I hate her choices, but I still love her.
It doesn’t make any sense I know, he said yes it does, and this is what I’m going to ask you to do, you can be angry, hateful, and still love, your love is your choice, you love the person, you hate their actions and their choices, perfectly normal.
2 separate things.

Thank you guys for listening, and sharing, I’m blessed to have found this website, I don’t feel alone anymore, somebody is listening, somebody always is.

Tony.