I think you are okay to want some boundaries. You are trying to work on your M.

It sounds like your BH is very wounded and conflicted and he is trying to avoid being in pain by disappearing (not coming home). The conflicting things he says seem to me to show his fear of not wanting to be hurt again but isn't really willing to give up. You will only be able to show him by your actions that you truly want to have a better M.

Hate to continue to quote Dr. Phil but I have lots of time right now (last month of chemo) and he's becoming a favorite time waster...

"The only person you can control is you."

You are in IC which is excellent. Have you talked with your Dr about getting some AD's to help with the extreme emotions?

Have you heard of the book "Torn Asunder" by David Carder.
It explains both sides of recovery from infidelity for the BS and the WS. It might give you more insight into your BH's emotions and pain.

Sorry I don't have more advice. You can just keep assuring him that you are here for the long haul, willing to own your stuff in all of it(which you are doing in IC) and want to work on it with him (maybe MC?).

Hang in there-


"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!