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If he is not living there... residing there... he has moved out. His clothes and belongings may still reside there... but if he is sleeping elsewhere... he is moved out.

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If he has plans on coming back after the weekend, I misread some of your earlier comments about him moving out. I am pretty sure you said he moved out.

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I NEVER neglected my DD during my A. I made poor choices, yes. But I never made her feel like I didn't want to spend time with her or talk to her. He has NEVER not answered his phone while out before - she has always called to tell him "good night" at 8:30pm on weekends, 7:45pm on weeknights. We will just agree to disagree on the cheating issue.

I am not trying to come across as pompous or self-righteous. I take full responsibility for the damage that I caused and am working on repairing it and changing the things I need to about myself. I now expect him to do the same - with or without me.

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I didn't tell him because he chose to leave. We aren't legally separated, but he left the house. Everything is in my name, but I haven't checked up on him since he left yesterday. He chose to leave when I gave him the opportunity - obviously that is what he wanted. But now he says he's coming home on Sunday and spending the night and leaving on Monday. This is why I asked about boundaries ...


This is where I got that from.



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I NEVER neglected my DD during my A.


You have to be joking right? The ultimate NEGLECT that a parent can perpetrate on a child is an A! YOU really need to do a thought check if you can defend your lack of neglect during your A and state that your H is neglecting her tonight because he is out with friends. Please forgive this... but this has to be one of the foggiest things I have ever read on this site.

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He said he was moving out, but has left it all very open-ended. He wants to spend the night here tomorrow, which will prob lead to Mon, Tues, and Wed too. He literally took enough clothes for the weekend and his dop-kit. Hence my confusion ...

I guess I should just start going with the flow, quit worrying about every little detail. He'll make his decision when he wants to.

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You have to be joking right? The ultimate NEGLECT that a parent can perpetrate on a child is an A! YOU really need to do a thought check if you can defend your lack of neglect during your A and state that your H is neglecting her tonight because he is out with friends. Please forgive this... but this has to be one of the foggiest things I have ever read on this site.

I am not in fog here ... I meant that I didn't neglect her day-to-day activities and interactions with me, didn't neglect her routine. I realize that I neglected her choice to a happy family future by my choices, and I am sickened by it. I am simply referring to daily norms for her. His sudden change to not taking calls has upset her - tonight is not the 1st occurrence this week! She is too young to understand what is going on here, so the day-to-day normalcy is important to keep until definite plans are made for the future of our M.

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/17/07 09:11 PM.
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well, I would suggest that instead of judging him, you let your daughter know that her dad is out and that hse should speak to him about the importance of being able to say goodnight to him. Frankly though... this will most likely disappear once you two are apart for good (if that is what happens). While the non custodial parent should make every effort to continue to keep in touch everyday... sometimes that is not possible for a host of reasons. It is a consequence of the circumstances of an A. When I was the non custodial parent, I talked to my son about 4-5 times a week (when he wasn't with me). That worked out fine for everyone. If your daughter needs to speak to him more, she should communicate that to him.

And as for the above post... he day to day routine and activities are also impacted by an A. So, yes, even her daily norms have been forever impacted.... even if you would be available for calls while you were with the OM.

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Point taken. Let's hope he chooses to remain a big part of her life (as he has been) should he not choose our M. If not, he isn't the man I thought he was. (Please keep in mind that because he travels all the time, we have a phone-call routine established. She thinks Daddy is traveling right now, so this routine should be as usual, no matter how much he hates me.) She needs to be #1 priority right now. Like I said before, maybe he just needs to go through this in order to figure everything out.

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If not, he isn't the man I thought he was.


Nothing personal against you... since I don't know you it can't be personal... but I have to tell you... that while I am pulling for you... you make the most judgemental comments since YOU are the one that has ripped your family apart. So, are you not the woman and mother he thought you were? By your standards, you can't be. You really need to lighten up on this man. If I were him reading your words, I would NEVER take you back.
Now... find a way to lighten up on him... he is the wounded person here... you are the one with the smoking gun in your hand. Find ways for him to be involved that are comfortable for him MOVING FORWARD. What happened pre A really is insignificant now... all the rules have been changed.
I sincerely hope that if you two divorce (which I hope NEVER happens) that he files for 1/2 custody. I think it is in her best interests to see her dad as much as she sees you. This also removes the issue of support which can stick in the craw of a BS at times.
Anyway, I really hope you two work things out. I will check back from time to time to see how you are doing. I hope for the sake of your daughter that you both can start putting her first in your lives. SHE, above everyone else here, deserves much more than her parents have given her to date.

Good luck,

MEDC

Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 03/17/07 09:33 PM.
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Wow. I must say that I take this pretty hard, but I understand where you are coming from. Maybe I come across as a cold-hearted B in writing, but I am really not. I have a great deal of compassion for him, and am concerned about the path he is choosing for himself right now. I have never once forgotten that I am this cause of all this. I accept that I was obviously not the woman he thought I was, which is why I am working so hard on becoming an even better woman than the one he once fell in love with. I am really not trying to be mean or judgmental. Maybe I need to re-focus my energy back to working on myself, being a good mom to DD; and let whatever happens with the M happen on its own course and time frame.

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/17/07 09:45 PM.
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TFC,
Hi I just read your thread. I applaud your decision to end all contact with OM for life when exposed and to choose the health and happiness of your family over the addiction of your affair. I am sure that is a tough choice and one that you need to repeat every day. That choice is probably made tougher by the actions your BH is making since then.

I too am a BH. I would tend to agree with MEDC though that your BH is still trying to decide what he wants to do with your M. The pain and feeling of rejection that your H feels as a result of your actions is immense. Just like a wounded animal will lash out at anything that comes near, your BH's desire for "revenge" will cloud his judgement. My FWW has really been doing everything perfectly by the book, and I truly appreciate her efforts, her actions that she is taking to help repair our marriage. It has been about 6 weeks since I exposed and she agreed to NC, but I still think about divorce or other ways to "payback" her betrayal multiple times every day. I have been able to not act on any of those negative thoughts. Now if she was constantly using Disrespectful Judgements, like, "BH should take call to say goodnight to DD" or "BH should not go out drinking with his buddies to forget about his life's problems for a little while," I don't know that I could resist.

Given how wounded a BH psyche is, I would expect some pretty bizarre behavior from your BH. One thing that tends to remain though is a desire to be a MAN and protect your family. Maybe you can change how your present the information to your BH: "DD really missed having you tuck her in. DD said she loves how BH makes sure her room has no monsters in it at bedtime." or "TFC really missed having BH tuck me in too, TFC misses falling asleep in BH's arms." or "TFC cannot believe how stupid it was to jeopardize having BH as the head of this family, DD and TFC need the feeling of safety that we have with BH to kissing us goodnight."

You are going to need to work very hard to make sure that BH feels loved, respected and safe to invest his heart with you again. Right now he does not feel those things and it is manifest by the decisions hen is making.

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Thank you for your kind advice. I will certainly take it to heart and use it. I hope that both you and MEDC realize that I am not saying those things TO him ... I haven't called him since he left other than to return his calls, and at that time we discuss family business and say "have a good day". I am still trying to Plan A him - this is more of a journal for me, if you will, not a play book. I have chosen this as the place to write down my thoughts, fears, frustrations, loves, cares, concerns, and happenings and to seek advice on them. I have been so fortunate to have the people here reach out and understand what I am going through and to also offer advice from the other side.


Last edited by time_for_change; 03/18/07 10:10 AM.
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Well, I wasn't sure if you were saying those things or not. But while I think it is okay to vent, it is also important to control those feelings because eventually or subconsciously your feelings will be made known through your actions or attitude.

I sincerely am in your corner on this. It may not seem like it at times due to my calling you on certain behaviors or words... but I do hope your family stays intact. I think your H is a very wounded person right now and feel bad for him...it almost seems like he is in self destruct mode with certain things. Because we are only getting one side of things here, it is tough to tell the depth of his drinking or his state of mind. I do believe that if he has just made the decision that he doesn't want to be married to someone that would do that to him, that he has a right to make that call for his own mental well being. But I would hope that he decides that his daughter growing up in an intact family would be enough to motivate him exploring recovery.
It would be great if you could get him to come here and talk to some of us BS that have been in his shoes. We could also get his impression of things which is vitally important. He will see some success stories here that resulted in recovery as well as some success stories that resulted in divorce. Not every M is worth saving IMO. But with few exceptions, they are at least worth gaining the knowledge of what recovery looks like.

MEDC

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MEDC,I am in a similar situation and need some advice!Could you please read my thread and let me know what you think!

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sure... will do.

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Well, I wasn't sure if you were saying those things or not. But while I think it is okay to vent, it is also important to control those feelings because eventually or subconsciously your feelings will be made known through your actions or attitude.

You are so right! I was distant yesterday because I got so caught up in what HE was doing that I wasn't focused on recovery.

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...it almost seems like he is in self destruct mode with certain things.

The few people that still talk to me are saying this too - we are all very worried about him!


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Well - he just called me at work. He told his mom this morning ... this makes it real. Apparently she took it well and wants to be there for me too! (I love her!) I teared up a little and told him I felt relieved that they finally knew. He asked why I sounded upset - I told him I was just so grateful that she still loved me and how bad I feel for hurting her son, the man I love. I asked him if he felt better and more relieved, he said "I was feeling great until I talked to you!" I was not expecting that ... what did I do wrong?

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BTW - we had dinner with his parents last night ... it was a little awkward. His mom definitely noticed something was wrong. After DD went to bed, we got to talk. I expressed my remorse and promised to let it reflect in my actions (unlike earlier that day). We slept together last night. I asked if he was sleeping with anyone else - he promised he wasn't and looked me square in the eyes ... I almost feel stupid for believing him.

He will be home until Thursday when he goes out of town again. I am going to spend the week completely enthralled in showing remorse, regret, love, affection, admiration, etc. I don't know what else I can do ... he talks like its already over, but then says he needs time to think about things. He says we can't have SF, but we haven't gone a week without it. He says I have no place in his life, but then makes a point to be a part of mine.

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Talked to his mom last night - it went really well and she is very supportive. (She is a therapist.) We are both really worried about how he's [not] handling this. He has agreed to take this trip (2 weeks) to really think things through. He called this morning and was talking about selling the house, etc. He said these are the things he's going to think about over the next 2 weeks. He hasn't dealt with the pain, anger, or situation at all ... I wish he would see an IC before he goes so that someone would give him some guidance on what to think about other than splitting assets!

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Things are not looking so good ... he says he's been thinking about things, but I haven't figured out when he's doing that. When he's out drinking until 7am? When he's hanging out with his "friend" 3 days in a row? He says that if he had to make a decision right now, it would be divorce. But something is compelling him not to do that just yet ... he's not sure what that is. He gets angry every time we speak. I speak to him with kindness, and he gets angry! Maybe separation is best? What do you think? HELP!?!?!?!?! I am feeling so lost as to what to do ... I want to save my M and am so afraid that if we get separated it will be over for good.

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