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hi - sorry ive been gone so long. re: calling OW... if i was the OW and W called me i would prob deny it - actually i would. BUT! i would NOT like that W called and told me she Knows.

i *suggest* you call and just tell her to stay away from your H. Her "friendship" is not welcome in your relationship.

exposure? i have to say that until you know FOR SURE that he is in A dont do it... but you know me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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Yay - I've missed you! Thanks for not giving up on me.

My H would be LIVID if I called her! He states that he can have whatever friends he wants ... and he's probably told her all sorts of crazy things about me! Remember he's the one saying we're "separated" while we're living & sleeping together - doubt she knows that. If I were to call, I wouldn't want to sound like a psycho/desperate woman ... and would she even believe that we're not truly separated?

What's your take on our last conversation?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/28/07 07:14 PM.
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What if, instead of calling her, I talk with him (when he gets back in town) to let him know that his "friendship" with her is not welcome in our home because it takes away from time that could be spent with our family and in healing our relationship?

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In addition -
I was thinking about his definition of the word "separation" last night after we spoke again (nice conversation, brief, idle chit-chat). It seems to me that yes, we are EMOTIONALLY separated right now. But a marital separation is not purely an emotional one. If we are to be emotionally separated while living together & sleeping together, that would actually be called cake-eating on his part IMO. So, seems to me he needs to understand that while I do not wish to be separated, if he does we'll need to be completely separated ...

what say you?

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Quote
In addition -
I was thinking about his definition of the word "separation" last night after we spoke again (nice conversation, brief, idle chit-chat). It seems to me that yes, we are EMOTIONALLY separated right now. But a marital separation is not purely an emotional one. If we are to be emotionally separated while living together & sleeping together, that would actually be called cake-eating on his part IMO. So, seems to me he needs to understand that while I do not wish to be separated, if he does we'll need to be completely separated ...

tfc - please stop trying to make sense out of WS nonsense. You'll just go crazy if you do.

He DOES understand that you don't wish to be separated.

He DOES understand that he is married to you and living with you and sleeping with you and that it's ridiculous for him to say that he is "separated" from you.

He knows perfectly well that he is bullying you and playing you.

He also knows that it's working.

Stop waiting for him to "do something" about this. Hon, he's not going to do ANYTHING about this except keep on bullying you into going along with it.

What are YOUR boundaries?

What are YOU going to do?
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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LOL ... good question Mulan!

Here is at least what I WON'T do:
I will not sleep with him while he is involved in this "friendship". I will not financially support a lifestyle that enables his A. I will not allow DD around OW. I will not sit around and wait for him to come home from being out with OW.

How am I doing?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/29/07 01:31 PM.
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What I will do:

I will be a good mother, a woman my DD can respect & be proud to call her Mommy!
I will continue my spiritual growth and self-discovery.
I will do yoga 3x a week.
I will enjoy the little things in life.

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ok - calling her is not an option; dont do it. Livid is bad.

"he's upset that I listened to other people and presumed to know his feelings"... He still cares about what you think - this is good.

is he still going on about the separated thing?

when is he coming home? i think you two need a night out doing something that you both enjoy. do you think he would go with you?


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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What if, instead of calling her, I talk with him...

i think talk would take too long. if/when she comes up just say "well, i dont like her and she needs to go." OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT and then drop it. there is no reason to talk about it. i would be careful when this is said because i think (i KNOW) it could turn into a fight and you want to be careful not to LB. so prepare yourself ahead of time, if you are going to do this, for what he might say and have a comeback that will not be lb (does crying work?)

where would he go if you kicked him out.

didnt you have an appt with a lawyer? did i miss that?


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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What I will do:


be the kind of wife a husband would be happy to come home to (within your own ability - you dont have to be superwoman unless you want to)


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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TFC, you're still bouncing off the walls. Lots of random thoughts, some theorizing, but little action. Look, you’ve gotten as far as you can with trying to discuss issues with the alien. He’s not, repeat, not going to respond to your entreaties to end this affair with that woman until he’s forced to. Sorry…it just isn’t going to happen.

Your first step is to break up the affair. What are you going to do to make that happen? BTW, your husband is going to be “livid” no matter what you do so don’t make that an issue. People get over being angry; marriages don’t get over having a third party interjected into them.

A suggestion: buy the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. It'll be an eye opener for you and, who knows, your WH might even see something in it he can identify with, when the fantasy is broken up.

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is he still going on about the separated thing?

Not really - I think at this point its assumed I'm clear on that point.

Quote
when is he coming home? i think you two need a night out doing something that you both enjoy. do you think he would go with you?

He'll be back in town Saturday night and home all day Sunday (assuming he doesn't spend the night out Sat). He goes out of town again Mon. and DD & I go to the beach that day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Then we are all back in town for Easter, and H is in town all week. Before I confronted him about OW, he had agreed to a night out and possibly another MC session w/ SH. That may have changed by now ...

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where would he go if you kicked him out.

Who knows? I guess wherever it is that he's been staying. He's only in town about 5-8 days/month, so its not like he needs an apartment right away.

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didnt you have an appt with a lawyer? did i miss that?

I did - for tomorrow. But I had to move it ... H was supposed to put $$$ in the account while out of town, but never did. So I ended having to pay all the bills out of my money, which meant having to move the appt.

Quote
What I will do:


be the kind of wife a husband would be happy to come home to (within your own ability - you dont have to be superwoman unless you want to)

A much better one than what I said! Our friends have always called me SuperWoman ... now I have to live up to it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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TFC, you're still bouncing off the walls. Lots of random thoughts, some theorizing, but little action.

I realize that - be patient with me, its only been 1 day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I know its time for action! I woke up with a new attitude today, one I plan on sticking with. But I really need help on setting a step-by-step plan. I'm having a hard time with this (obviously).

Quote
Your first step is to break up the affair. What are you going to do to make that happen? BTW, your husband is going to be “livid” no matter what you do so don’t make that an issue.

Not sure how to do this. I've gotten so much conflicting advice here. Dr. Harley only suggested calling the OW, which I just can't do. I won't get any support from his friends because of my A, so exposure there won't do any good. What is your suggestion for how to begin breaking it up?

Quote
A suggestion: buy the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. It'll be an eye opener for you and, who knows, your WH might even see something in it he can identify with, when the fantasy is broken up.

I will read it while on vacation next week - thanks for the suggestion.

I've read all the links you provided. I feel like my head is swimming with so much info I don't know where to begin.

So, I get that Step 1 is to break up his A.
Now the question is ... How?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/29/07 07:01 PM.
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i am Not sure that your M will survive Livid - you need to make that call! step by step is difficult when you dont know what the other is thinking. you need to MAKE SURE its an affair first; you know what that means.

can you make plans with him for saturday night? just know that if you do, you need to not lb, no fihgting, no whining - just have a good time. mention it - see what happens.

*bouncing off the walls would be normal if i were you so i wouldnt stress it. take your time and PLAN. KNOW what is going on BEFORE you act - please? if he is having an A - everyone here will help you break it up but you really need to be POSITIVE or s will hit the f for no reason and cause damage where none was needed.

just think it through.


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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Well the facts are as follows: She's the first contact in the morning and usually the last at night. He calls her almost every time right after talking to me. They text msg each other about 10 times/day. Several people have called me concerned about how much they've been out together. I would at least constitute this as an EA. It is standing in the way of our M recovering. Whether its gotten physical or not, I'm unsure, but either way this chick has to go.

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do you know where they go? maybe you can go there with a gf and "spot" him - dont make a scene of course - youre presence should be enough to rattle him.

i thought about turning the phone off - this would stop it but only temporarily.

what do you think?


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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I do know where they go and I've thought about that. For instance, in a couple of weeks there is a festival here in town that they will be at. It has lots of fun stuff to do, so I thought about taking DD. BUT - I don't want her to see her dad with another woman! I may get a babysitter and go out with a gf soon.

I thought about the phone too, but then I won't be able to track the calls anymore. That only keeps me in the dark. There is a tiny bit of good news - the number of calls and tms has slowed down since I confronted him about her. And now it seems as though she is initiating most of the contact.

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My WW had the exact same modus.

first person she called in the morning, last person she called at night.

10 text messages a day.

Calls him after every conversation with me.

Very unnerving.

Further snooping (voice recorder in the car) revealed that the affair was physical. I would put money that if you snooped deeper, you will discover the same.

They never admitted it, even when I had the recordings as evidence. Took her female friend that was also indicated in the recordings, having an affair of her own, to call me and "come clean".

My ww followed suit after. The cat was out of the bag.

Any chance of hiring a Private Investigator to get that concrete evidence if you aren't up to doing the task yourself?

I can tell you that finding out the truth helped me a lot emotionally. Nothing but lies from the waywards. Snooping gives you closure on the truth and definitely rattles the cage of the affair.


Me FWH - 29 WW - 29 2 Kids; Boy 9, Girl 1 year WW - EA/PA Nov 2006 - Current (Approx 16 weeks and ongoing) Me FWH - EA/PA Nov 2006 - February 2007 (Approx 12 weeks, NC achieved) WW Separated 11 Dec 2006 MC Dec 2006 (About 5 sessions, did no good save for a list of ENs) Currently working on saving the marriage. My Ongoing Story of Double Infidelity
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Well, I thought about a PI but I think I've been doing a pretty good job of it for free. At this point, I don't know that I'd be any more upset if it was physical. I finally know how he must feel about my A. I am just ready to get her out of our life so we can try to heal this M. So, the question remains: How do I break up their A?

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tfc -

Advice from radio:

Quote
So, I called in to the MB radio show and got Dr. Harley's advice. Dr. H said that we need to begin to address the reasons for my A TOGETHER (not just me in IC). He said that because of the steps I've taken following my A, H's only reason for his A is revenge (insignificant relationship). He suggested that I call OW to confront and point-blank ask ... I don't know that I can do that (and I think she'd lie). When he gets back in town, we need to have a talk.


The festival you mentioned might be the best time to confront OW - if you feel uncomfortable by phone. IMO - bring DD - sends a bigger msg to OW and WH.

In my sitch - my sons (23 & 17 at the time) confronted OM and their Mom before I got my crap together. They hv never mentioned it to me but am proud of them for standing up for our family.

There will be a time (perhaps it is now) that you will have to fight for your and DD family.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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