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I think Dr. Harley's suggestion to you your husband is motivated by revenge is becoming more likely all the time and now your WH has upped the ante in a game designed to provoke you into something. Not only has he “gotten even” with you with OW#1, now he’s upped the ante with OW#2 and he’s waiting for your response. Has he let you see some posed (staged, as it were) pictures to anger you and drive you away?

You have that appointment with Steve H on Tuesday. If you can hold off and not react to this provocation, please get his professional advice (and be sure to let him know about Dr. Harley’s analysis).

Personally, I suspect your WH has given up and wants out of the marriage but lacks the internal fortitude to tell you. The staged photos were left where you would probably find them. They’re a shock to you and I have to wonder if he was nice to you all week long on the phone in order to heighten the impact. If he’s playing that game, it sure seems to be a very calculated, cruel one. It seems he wants to set up an adversarial relationship instead of recovering a warm, loving one…to what end?

For what it’s worth, he may be trying to goad you into filing for divorce first so he can be the “good guy” in the whole thing. The ends justify the means in his mind. It’s not a very mature thing to do, but it’s not unknown. You’d be the best judge about whether it’s in keeping with some part of his character.

TFC, it might be a smart thing to do if you were to make a preliminary visit to a mean, vicious, bulldog of an attorney. When a WS begins act in an “over the top” fashion, I think it’s always appropriate to protect one’s self and one’s finances to make sure the WS isn’t looting the checking and savings accounts, etc. I emphasize the word “preliminary” in this, okay?

Also, place those pictures in a safe place somewhere outside your home and in a place where your WH has no access. Perhaps save one of them to confront your WH with, if you choose that option. If worse comes to worst, those photos may come back to bite WH in the posterior, even if they are posed and “innocent.”

Things don’t look good at this point, TFC, but you will come out the other side of these difficulties sane and whole, as you yourself found out this week. Don’t let go of that determination. This is a big bump in the road, but it’s one you can recover from. Even if your WH has begun trying to push you away, that can be reversed with some good couples counseling. Let Steve H. be your guide in that, okay?

Hang in there, lady.

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TFC,

You are making assumptions. Do you know how old those pictures might be? OW #2 could be out of the picture or she could not.

My point??? Don't work off of assumptions. What you do know is that your H has had or is having inappropriate interactions with this woman, and you have the proof.

We could speculate that he is doing this to let you know how he felt/feels. It might be true, it might now. In my mind it makes little difference.

Here is something to consider. Normally, recovery or even getting into recovery can take 3 months or more. You are just at three months. It sounds as if your Plan A is working. Why do I say this? You have him confused. He is asking why are you "nice" to him. He is thinking about you, and it is in good terms based on your plan A actions.

Recovery starts when the spouses start thinking about one another again. You are thinking about him now instead of OM. He has OW #1 or #2 or both on his mind, BUT he has on his mind what you DID to him, AND..... what you are doing now.

Can you see the conflict? Conflict is good TFC. It makes him think and address things that are hurting him. I will take you at your word about his normal moral approach to marriage and his vows. I am guessing that the only way to justify his behavior with the OWs is to state to himself that the marriage over. He justifies this by thinking about what you did to him with your affair, and that hurts. THEN, he thinks about what you are doing, and it does not hurt, it makes him feel good even if he doesn't seem to be responding.

Girl the man is NOW offically confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You need to keep him confused and show him that YOU are worth the risk, and to him coming back will be a huge risk.

You can do as you wish, exposing to in-laws is probably going to put a damper on the A he is in because it reminds him he is married and he is cheating.

I would say keep plan A going. You have PROOF that the affair is/was going on, but you knew that already. So nothing has changed except that you do know for sure now. Relax, you now know what you are dealing with, before you were still a bit unsure.

I think you should continue plan A for awhile. 6 months seems to be a milestone for some reason, sometimes 1 year is as well. Who knows what may happen when he hits 6 months if you are still in the game.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

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Thank you. His parents just came over to drop off some things for DD to take to the beach. While they were here, I pulled MIL aside and told her. She is disgusted, to say the least. She gave me money and told me to protect myself. She is a therapist and thinks I should tell him its time to call a truce and move toward recovery or call it quits. She said his behavior is immature and unacceptable.

I already have an appt w/ the meanest D lawyer in the city when I get back from vacation. I have pulled all my funds from the joint account and moved them to one of my own to protect my finances.

He just called and was being "friendly", but was analyzing everything I said. I didn't tell him I found the photos. He asked what time he needed to be home tonight - something he hasn't asked since before DDay.

So I have to wonder ... was all this just to get even? Or does he really want out?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/31/07 02:10 PM.
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JL - I agree that remaining in Plan A is in order. After I calmed down, I realized that. Now, do I let him know I have the photos?

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TFC

posters like longhorn and jl have lots of wisdom written between the words. I have spent countless hours (~100's) reading theirs and other posts for the last 2 yrs.

My advice is to read - some of the long time posters have a calm, conversation way of writing which seems to soothe the rawness of emotions. Read the posts/advice from JL to others in the same kind of sitch.

This forum has much to offer in learning about marriages, relationships and in short life in general.


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1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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TFC, I hadn't realized you were at the three-month point in your Plan A. It's important because Dr. Harley advises a Plan A implemented by BW should last only an average of three months, not six. Please make certain to let Steve H. aware of how long you've been at this, okay? Part of Dr. Harley's strategy is to end Plan A before one loses one's love for the WS and SH will need all the information in order to advise you correctly.

I'm glad you've already taken steps to safeguard yourself. A preliminary visit...heck, even filing a petition for divorce does not set in motion anything that cannot be halted and reversed in an instant. In some cases, I think the simple act of being served with divorce papers is a "culture shock" and can be enough to wake up a WS.

Lady, you don't have to decide today if he's playing a game to hurt you or intends to push you away to get out of the marriage. Let the pot boil for a while and watch what he’s doing. You’ve been able to detect him “analyzing” everything you say just today. You’ll find out a lot more if you sit back a little and wait.

Whatever his aim, TFC, he’s being deceitful in this whole transaction. Were I you, I’d keep to the high ground. Don’t play his game.

I think you’ve enough evidence to assume you were intended to find the pics so…sure, let him know you found the photos, and ask him what he thought he was going to gain by you finding them? Find out what he expects you to do about them, now that you have them (and are securing them where he can’t get them back).

Be calm. He’s expecting the opposite.

Your MIL will probably be applying some pressure very soon. WH won’t expect that. Your calmness will create more consternation and things will begin percolating in his alien little mind. Pressure is a good thing to happen to affairs. Stress exposes cracks and exploits them, making the fantasy corrode away to nothing. Let's see what a little pressure from SIL and MIL does to the boiling pot, okay?

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I must admit I wasn't in a good enough/solid Plan A until this week. Before I would still talk about R & M. But his behavior has been going on for almost the full 3 mos. and I have been trying my best to Plan A. Tonight I will ask about the photos. Standing firm in "no excuses" and remaining calm will be a challenge, but I think I can do it!

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/31/07 04:48 PM.
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Plan A's are never perfect. They can't be; too many emotions involved.

It'll be interesting to see what he thinks he's doing. Be calm, TFC, and don't let anything he says hurt you. Remember, it's the alien talking, not him.

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TFC,

Of course you tell him. This is called "radical honesty". The surprise will be that you continue plan A. Your MIL's advice is good to a point, but his being immature about handling your A and getting into one of his own, is not really a surprise is it? Most people don't have a lot of experience in dealing with the emotional pain an affair causes. Cut him some slack.

He is NOT in withdrawal TFC, he is in conflict and that is good for you IF you want to remain married.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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Well, he didn't come home until 3:30 am, and he certainly wasn't sober. He was belligerent and nasty. I calmly asked him to leave the room. His parents are waiting to talk to him until DD and I get to the beach. So, we still haven't talked. Looks like it will have to happen today.

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Well, we talked and were O&H with each other. He admitted that OW#1 had developed into an emotional relationship and was ending it. This photo-girl was a plot to piss me off. And OW#2 was nothing more than a friendship. He doesn't trust me, I don't trust him. He thinks he wants a D. I told him I had a session tomorrow w/SH ... he asked if we could do it together next week instead. He says he doesn't want to be M anymore, but then turns around and says maybe we should both talk to SH. The man seems confused. And I am too.

Keeping Plan A in effect as long as humanly possible ...

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tfc, he is full of crap, which you can see. Keep your appt with Steve Harley, you don't need your H there right now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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LOL ... full of crap altogether? or in thinking about D? or in waiting on our appt w/ SH?

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LOL ... full of crap altogether? or in thinking about D? or in waiting on our appt w/ SH?

Full of crap about everything, especially his silly reasoning about why he was with that woman. It is all fogbabble.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
This photo-girl was a plot to piss me off.

This was particularly cute. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Wasn't it!?! He has agreed to give me her phone number so that I can call her myself. I want to be sure that there are no more of these pics that can be posted on the internet. I explained that DD, her teachers, and our families don't need that embarrassment. He also agreed to think about calling OW#1 in front of me to end it.

So here we are ... seems as though we're back on the fence?

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TFC, in SAA, there's an example of a Non-contact letter. Phone calls are so insubstantial, don't you think? I'd challenge him to put it in writing.

BTW, has MIL said anything to him yet?

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Just got back in town ... I had a lot of time to think about things and must admit my Plan A sucked this week. He is really pissy that every day I ask if they have had any contact, but he at least sort of answers me. MIL & FIL had nice loooooooooooong chats with him about his behavior. They told him it would be one thing if I was unwilling to work on the M, but I have shown great strength of character with all I have done to try to improve the M. They have encouraged him to think things through and stop his childish behavior. We made a deal to go one week not talking about the M and getting along, really trying. I am at least holding up my end, we'll see how things progress.

Before I went out of town with DD, he said that he had his mind all made up for D when he got back in town and after spending less than 24 hrs with me, he's confused again. (But his passwords still include OW's name - lovely!) We have a whole week starting tomorrow of him being in town. Tomorrow we are doing family Easter lunch with his parents. MIL & I agreed this is a good opportunity for him to see what could-be, so we are making it extra-special (but not obvious). I need to ramp up my Plan A this week! Any other suggestions?

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/07/07 06:26 PM.
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Also -
Longhorn, I read Not "Just Friends" this week ... what a fantastic book!

MEDC - If you still look at my thread ... I also read Emotional Blackmail and Obsessive Love this week.

Now I am starting The Seven Principals of Making Marriage Work ... I have become a book-aholic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/07/07 08:42 PM.
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Oh! And, over vacation I talked to the girl from the pics. Get this ... SHE'S AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER!!! Nice. I want that kind of woman teaching my DD. Anyway, she is dating one of the other guys in the photos. I was super-nice about letting her know that I have them, asked if there were any more (there aren't), letting her know that I didn't particularly appreciate her breast in my H face, and that my concern was DD seeing something like this. She apologized for them and we ended the conversation amicably ... I wanted to be sure she couldn't hang up thinking "what a *itch"!

Also, H wasn't even sure about ending his A over the phone. So, I'm thinking that a NC letter will be difficult to get. I'm guessing a full-fledged Plan A is in order?

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