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Quote
[Skimming through SAA to refresh your thoughts can't ever be wrong. I do it also and I'm divorced/quote]

yep.

[quote] Telling him to leave wasn't that serious a fall from the wagon anyway


well, I would normally agree with you... BUT since he did not ask her to leave over her affair, it might have a bigger impact.

I bumped your other thread TFC... it is good reading for you.

MEDC

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He asked me to leave, but I didn't. Instead, I chose to immediately (1)go into NC, (2)have an STD test, (3)go to IC, (4)renew my relationship w/ God, and (5)begin doing what I should have done as a W all along.

Now I've asked him to leave if the A isn't over - same as he did. There's no sense in us pretending to be M while he continues his A right under my nose. As soon as he found out about mine, it was over ... I expect the same. If he wants to continue it, he can - but he can move out and do it instead. I am asking nothing more of him than he asked of me.

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/12/07 03:40 PM.
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Those are five excellent things to do when one has wronged one's spouse. I'm not sure what more you could do except that I would love to see you and WH in couples counseling. A good one, such as SH, can provide a forum where both of you could feel free to air all problems and help you and WH resolve them. I hope the day he'll reengage in discussions with SH comes soon.

Keep your chin up, lady.

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Longhorn - you always cheer me up. At times your advice has been tough, but always presented in a caring way. Thank you.

H is in an even worse mood now ... I'm guessing withdrawal is setting in. I am going to talk to him this weekend about another session with SH. But I thought I should wait a few days first. I suppose I'll assume it is really over until proven otherwise, or shall I consider it still going on until proven otherwise?

Either way, reviewing SAA tonight after I do our taxes.

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FINALLY! A good day! We spent most of the day together today and got along, without weirdness! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

We flirted, joked, and enjoyed each others company. He opened up about the conversation w/ OW yesterday ... apparently she is livid that she "wasted her time" with a "pansy who will let [me] manipulate [him] for the rest of [his] life"! So its over. *Keeping fingers crossed*

I told him how much I respected his choice and how much I appreciate it.

Let's hope we can keep this up!

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Day 2 of goodness ... my, my, my how nice it is when the fog begins to clear!

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Good news, TFC. However, beware of a false recovery, okay? Trust, but verify. Uh...what are some other cautionary clichés? I can’t think of any off the top of my head. I’m sure you understand you can enjoy his apparent separation from OW, but you need to be careful. To me, it seems he’s skipping the normal withdrawal process and moving right to the first steps in reconciliation. It’s not impossible, just very unusual.

Some day soon, you need to start applying the recovery steps in SAA. I think an NC letter needs to be prepared and sent. If she’s upset now, the letter will help settle the matter.

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I certainly agree with you. I sort of skipped the withdrawal period because of anger with OM, so I'm hopeful that this is what he is doing as well.

I took notice how different he was toward me when he had and hadn't talked to her ... I could always tell when he had b/c he had so much more anger toward me. I am still being cautious of false recovery, but I'm taking the time to enjoy having my H back (for the most part). Now we need to get back into MC with SH.

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Excellent, TFC.

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Well, yesterday I suggested that we go to a certain place to eat lunch ... he said it wasn't a good idea and suggested somewhere else. On the way to the restaurant, he explained that OW & her friends generally hung out at the place I suggested on Sundays and he didn't wish to go there.

We are taking some really positive steps here. I am worried that I am getting too excited about how we are beginning to head in the right direction. How do you stay grounded during this time without being cynical?

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I am finding myself doubting this "recovery" more and more. I'm not sure why, but I feel like maybe this is all a facade. I keep wanting to enjoy having this man that resembles my H back in my life, but something has kept me cynical ...

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It's only prudent to withhold judgment under such circumstances. After all, the term “false recovery” was coined for a reason. I think the proof will lie in how enthusiastically WH participates in counseling, how readily he does the NC letter, adopts radical honesty, etc. We’ll keep our fingers crossed, hoping those mileposts are passed easily and quickly.

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We had a conversation tonight - it was ok. What I gathered from the conversation was that he may stay married to me for DD & convenience. I guess that's a start, but I can't help but want more from a marriage than that. I suppose we could grow from that, but only if we both try at it. I see some enthusiasm in trying to be nicer, but I still have my doubts. He's still hiding something, I think. I need openness and honesty - to the nth degree.

Should I try to approach this alone or wait until we have MC?

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Well, TFC, I think it's too soon to expect him to strongly commit to the marriage at this point. It’s in the nature of the beast for human beings to resist doing something that would seem to render their past actions foolish and ill-conceived. Have patience, TFC. I don’t know how others think about this, but it might be something best approached in the safe forum offered by a good counselor. Don’t you have a session with SH coming up relatively soon?

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We don't have an appointment scheduled as of yet, but I will be scheduling one for (hopefully) next week.

We had a discussion last night about honesty. I explained to him that while I do not expect him to decide right now whether he wants in or out of the M, I do expect us to both be honest from here on out. After a fairly calm discussion about this, we agreed that we must answer any/all questions honestly (the first time) ... I think we POJAd for the 1st time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

He wasn't yet willing to do the EN & LB questionnaires, but he had a lot going on last night. So, maybe when he gets back in town he will do them. I'm trying not to be pushy but I also want him to know that I will do anything I can to help our M.

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FYI - OW has emailed him ... it has not been opened. I am curious to see if he is O&H with me about this.

Question - Am I to continue Plan A now or am I even in a "Plan" anymore?

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Another positive step! H calls me tonight (from out of town) and says "When you check the phone records, there is a number that belongs to [woman's name] ... she works for [company] and her son is who I'm staying with. He is using her phone for now, so don't freak out and go ballistic. You are welcome to check up on that if you like."

Wow! He's never been that upfront with me before! It is almost questionable. But I think I'll relish in it for a moment anyway! I actually think he's being honest! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So, he still hasn't checked email from OW ... good news so far.

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Baby steps are just fine. Your marriage didn't get to where it is now overnight, and it won't be repaired quickly either. Sounds like good progress is being made -- very encouraging.

I hope you can get that appointment with SH. It'll be very intesting to see his advice from this point forward.

Good work, Lady! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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It will be ... it didn't go the way I thought it would on our 1st session. I would imagine now that there has been double infidelity things will be more difficult. I thought SH would have encouraged us to spend more time together, but didn't. I am hoping we can do a session next week. H goes back to the town of debauchery again in a couple of weeks ... I think that I should be able to go so we establish a presence of our M with the people he was acting inappropriately with. We'll see. Let's hope we can get him to do the EN & LB Qs next week. Baby steps are just fine ... you are right-o Longhorn!

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Some things going through my head all night while I wasn't sleeping:

* H has always been in Independent Behavior mode
* I have always needed affection and attention that he is unwilling to give
* H seems unwilling to go through this the MB way
* He is always right, no matter what
* I want a goody-two-shoes marriage from a bad-boy
* Maybe he isn't the marrying-kind?
* Maybe I'm too needy?

No, I'm not rewriting our marital history here ... these are just some things I'm thinking/feeling. I couldn't sleep last night. I had the sickest feeling in my stomach, like something bad was about to happen. I couldn't get things out of my head. I tried to pray, I tried to meditate, I even tried yoga at 3 am. Nothing helped. My mind was too powerful last night ... something isn't right.

Or ... maybe it was just the late-night brownie I had and everything will be fine today. Now I feel like the roller coaster. Is this normal? Am I going crazy?

Any words or 2x4s for me?

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/19/07 08:55 AM.
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