Has he hit a plateau or is some other dynamic at play here? I agree he may be getting comfortable in a new attitude, but is this the first sign of it? Are there any other red flags?

It does happen though. It’s that “path of least resistance” thing we humans fall prey to so often. If things are going along (apparently very smoothly), folks are inclined to protect that status and not upset the apple cart. Most people will “go along to get along” for a long, long time if they’re not jarred out of that behavioral pattern.

IMO, this isn't him "getting comfortable" ... this is taking steps backward. Last week, things were great. Then this week, things aren't. I understand that there is some level of roller-coaster riding during recovery, but the highs are really high and the lows are really low. Can't there be a way to have a little bit smoother ride? Not upsetting the apple cart would be a real joy right now. The only red flags are: hiding the cell phone again, and complaining that I “made” him quit talking to certain people.

You’re right, TFC, in many ways the WS (unfortunately) IS in complete charge of the recovery and it proceeds on the WS's pace...up to a point.

This point you speak of, is this my “straw that broke the camel’s back”? He has been in complete control of this relationship since my D-Day. And he is completely unapologetic about his EA – I think he is in denial that it even was an EA! He states that “it was nothing compared to what you did” … and that is supposed to make it ok?

Question: What is the significance of school being out and why would that have any bearing on discussing the relationship? Is there any chance of a hidden agenda there?

We had agreed not to get the D until school was out for a couple of reasons. Mainly because we didn’t want DD to go through a D during the last months of school. We thought it would be easier on all of us if we just waited. And I wanted a little extra time to work on the M.

Would you remind the forum how long you've been in Plan A, TFC.

Well, I was using the Plan A techniques immediately after my D-Day (12/26/06) to show my BH that I was willing to do whatever it took to save the M and improve my self. However, I had suspicions of his A in March and beefed up my Plan A immediately.

It may be about time you set some boundaries in your relationship, like, "If I wanted a friend, I’d go chat with the counter waitress down at IHOP," or something like that. You don't have to accept rewritten history either. If he's incorrect about that agreement, you can find a courteous way to give him your side. It’s no LB to be forthright that you are in this for the marriage and not a friendship, even one with benefits.

You can see where this might be heading, right? If he can't get off the dime (I seem to be thinking in clichés today, don't I?) someday relatively soon, it may be necessary to start a Plan B, TFC. Dr. Harley has said Plan A works on its own only about 15% of the time. That means most recoveries have to go to Plan B, unfortunate as that is.

I have told him that I am certainly wanting our friendship to improve – but only as part of our M. I really don’t want to head into Plan B, but I am beginning to wonder if I should sometime soon. I told him today that his choice to separate himself from inappropriate “friendships” was his choice, not mine. I simply set the boundary that I was unwilling to be in a M where my H was having those types of friendships. And in making the choice to end those “friendships”, I understood that to mean that he would be willing to consider a future with me. (Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed that?)

Now, filter all the above through your personal knowledge of your husband and his thought patterns. Is he just in a mood? Did something he saw on TV spark something in his mind and he needs to show some independence or something like that?

My H always feels the need to express his independence. We actually discussed this earlier today! He has always been a sort-of rebel … tell him not to do something and he’ll do it just to show that he is in control. He likes to be able to do what he wants, when he wants without any repercussions. I am not making DJs here – this is honesty, and he is fully aware that this is his personality. But I want a healthy recovery – a recovery where we team up to forge through this doo-doo together, not separately.

Pick your battles carefully, TFC. If he's just going through one of the low points in the roller coaster ride, that's one thing. If he's becoming entrenched in a new, independent lifestyle, that's a horse of a different color. Can you do a little clinical, detached evaluation for us? Make sure this is a bump, not a mountain, okay?


I hope that this was detached enough … it can be very difficult for me to pull only from fact and not emotion too. I must say that I feel this is a pothole in our road to recovery.

So, my 2 main issues are:

1. He seems to have no remorse for his A, has not apologized for it, feels he was entitled to it, and still lies about the events during it.
2. He has not yet made a choice on whether he wants to work on the M or not.

While I realize that I have no control over what he thinks, decides, or does I don’t know how to think about this in terms of boundaries for me … I’m not sure what boundaries to set anymore. I completely blew last set of boundaries when he ended his A and seemed to be working on the M. Now that this may not be the case, I need to set new ones. The friendship boundary is a good one, but how do I enforce it? What other boundaries can I set to protect myself and my love for him?