Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 32 of 45 1 2 30 31 32 33 34 44 45
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
You should probably be a therapist LH! LOL You are dead-on here, I believe.

I was just talking to my best friend about this ...
She has been my best friend since we were 14 years old! She told me how proud she was that I stood up for what I wanted for once. She said to me: "TFC - I've been wondering where you've been! You've been replaced by a doormat since you got married and I've wondered quietly all this time what happened to the best friend I had that always stood up for what she wanted and believed in! See - if you had just told your H what you wanted in your M all along, maybe you wouldn't have ever had your stupid A!" (She's very blunt!)

H said yesterday that he was planning on finding an IC when he gets back in town. And we did do that one session with SH and he actually enjoyed it! H tends to shy away from that sort of thing since his mom is a therapist. I think we will be able to get in MC with SH soon ... I'm not going to push the subject, but I will bring it up when the timing feels right!

I was so glad that we were able to compromise ... he gets to work for a bit, and I still get my date! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
I think you should listen very closely to your best friend, and seek out her advice whenever you can. Ask her if you can lean on her for a bit while you get your feet under you. I'd pay attention to what she says when she's in that blunt mode. Ask her to remind you of today's events if and when she sees a need to, okay?

I think that your husband says he's going to find an IC is another excellent sign of progress. To me, baby steps are just fine in all this.

LH

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Baby steps are just fine by me - progress is progress!

I started thinking on all this a bit more last night. Who was I when my H fell in love with me?

I was a woman who was strong, independent, didn't take crap from anyone, and didn't care what anyone thought. I was fun and crazy, yet responsible. I was silly and still sexy. I was everything that I am not.

I have become this boring, needy, uptight b*itch over the last 5 years. I suppose that once DD was born, I thought I had to be old - not just grow up. I took on all the chores and things, allowing my H to have minimal responsibility and maximal fun. I made myself this way! Its my fault and no one else's!

I changed who I was to suit what I thought was the perfect wife and mom. But, in reality, all it did was hurt all of us because I wasn't happy being someone else and having all the responsibility with none of the fun. Instead of talking to my H about it, I held it in thinking that he would be so disappointed if he found out that I didn't like who I'd become - who I'd made myself into. I thought that was what he wanted.

But after I thought about this last night, I realized that he's been short-changed in a big way! Not only did I quit being the fun, carefree, crazy woman he married, but I had an A too! He seriously got the short-end of the stick!

So, I need to find out why I gave up who I was ...

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Yes, but it's not only why you gave up yourself...you can work on moving back to being strong, independent, and reliable by keeping the goal fixed in your mind.

Please note you already are working toward that goal. Being more independent and strong dovetails quite nicely with your “kinda/sorta” Plan A/180 plan, your refusal to accept gaslighting, and the boundaries you developed for yourself before you achieved yesterday’s insight. Your husband's frustration with you not speaking plainly, and his desire for you to stand up for yourself, were the catalysts you needed to bring all this to the forefront.

I think you'll find recovering yourself easier than you suspect because you’ve actually been working on it for a while without realizing it. Additionally, there have been times on this thread when I saw a lot of quiet strength in your words, but that strong-minded, dedicated woman I saw has disappeared from time to time. Don’t let yourself backslide into neediness (perhaps even codependency?) and “bitchiness” now that you’ve identified what you’ve disliked about yourself, okay?

Frankly, based on what she told you last night, a good source of information and valuable discussion into how/why you gave yourself up is that best friend of yours. Also, you can take your conversations with her to your IC to help you explore how you got to the point where you had an affair and how to better understand yourself in general.

It strikes me that next session with SH is going to be jam-packed, isn’t it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the good work, TFC.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I don't feel like I can talk to my H about anything serious. Every time I try to have a conversation about something with regards to responsibility (i.e. childcare, money, etc.) "its not a good time". And its NEVER a good time! I am stuck with all the responsibility ... so there he is with the benefits of a M and none of the responsibility. And I get soooooooooooooo frustrated! So there it is ... and I can't change it because I can't change him. So how do I approach this subject? I've told him a million times in a million different ways, and nothing seems to work. So what else can I try?

Don't get me wrong ... I'm not blaming him for anything based on this post. I am upset that I don't feel that I can ever approach him.

Last edited by time_for_change; 05/24/07 02:38 PM.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 259
Quote
Baby steps are just fine by me - progress is progress!

I started thinking on all this a bit more last night. Who was I when my H fell in love with me?

I was a woman who was strong, independent, didn't take crap from anyone, and didn't care what anyone thought. I was fun and crazy, yet responsible. I was silly and still sexy. I was everything that I am not.

I have become this boring, needy, uptight b*itch over the last 5 years. I suppose that once DD was born, I thought I had to be old - not just grow up. I took on all the chores and things, allowing my H to have minimal responsibility and maximal fun. I made myself this way! Its my fault and no one else's!

I changed who I was to suit what I thought was the perfect wife and mom. But, in reality, all it did was hurt all of us because I wasn't happy being someone else and having all the responsibility with none of the fun. Instead of talking to my H about it, I held it in thinking that he would be so disappointed if he found out that I didn't like who I'd become - who I'd made myself into. I thought that was what he wanted.

But after I thought about this last night, I realized that he's been short-changed in a big way! Not only did I quit being the fun, carefree, crazy woman he married, but I had an A too! He seriously got the short-end of the stick!

So, I need to find out why I gave up who I was ...


THAT WAS A GREAT POST!!!! That is exactly how I feel.


WS-36
BS (me)-28
4 Kids
A started Jan 07
________________________________

Then the time came
When the risk it took
to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
You have a feeling you can't approach him? Now wait a minute, TFC. You learned just yesterday he prefers straight talk and he appreciates you standing up for yourself. Did everything your best friend said to you last night fall on deaf ears? Exactly why do you think this problem isn’t at least partially solvable using what you learned yesterday?

How about...the short answer is to make an "appointment" with him...and hold him to it. How would you set yourself up for success in something like that?

Let your frustration flow away, TFC. Consider this for a while. It’s been something that’s been a factor in your marriage for a long time now. A couple days of calm thought and planning aren’t going to be at all significant in the long term.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Very true, LH! I vented about it here ... and then I did something about it. I told him after another cut-off attempt that I don't ever feel like I can talk to him about anything important and that it bothers me that there never seems to be a good time. I asked what we could do about this ... He got upset, said he wasn't listening to it, and hung up on me. I sent him a text saying that he just proved my point (probably a LB). He called back a bit later and said he was sorry - that he realizes that when he's on the road he often forgets about all the responsibilities at home and doesn't want to stress about them.

So, even though we had a tiff, we were able to communicate in the end. And hopefully we can each improve from this.

Last edited by time_for_change; 05/24/07 05:57 PM.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
That's good progress for both of you. A baby step that'll have to be reinforced when he gets home but it's good to see. Maybe face to face discussions are better for highly emotional issues anyway. Whatcha think?

That you talked to him about it is also good progress for you. This is another night you won't have to go to bed with something festering inside you, right? Maybe a LB, but it was a minor one. Pick yourself up and get back in the game.

He's trying, TFC. I see lots of signs of that in your words. Most recently, you've told us he gets angry, but it's a transitory thing now rather than a lifestyle. The transitory nature of his anger was a part of yesterday's interaction as well as today's. To me, that glass is getting more than half full.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Most of the issues (like childcare, bills, etc.) shouldn't be highly emotional and should be discussed on a regular basis. Its hard to talk about them face to face when he's only home about 5 days a month.

I don't want to make the decisions alone, because I feel that we are partners in running this household. I often think he just wants me to make all the decisions. This is a discussion to have face to face.

More than half-full? I like the sound of that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Quote
Its hard to talk about them face to face when he's only home about 5 days a month.

Understood! Hmmmmm…TFC, I don't know anything about how things are organized when he is home, but perhaps you could bring up some of these issues after a little advance planning? Maybe (after he's had his second cup of coffee) something like, "Hey, I need you to help me with something, honey," and go from there?

How does your friend bring up such things in her relationship?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
We still don't have much time together when he is home, but we can certainly try to begin scheduling time for family business. My friend's BF is always around, but they have set times to talk (as they have similar schedules). So, it seems that scheduling that time is the best way to handle this.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Could be...but why don't you get more feedback before you settle on something? For instance, what do your other friends do with such issues? What do other spouses of people in your husband's line of work do? What would your MIL suggest if she were asked? She knows your husband pretty good, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Unfortunately, most people that we know in his profession aren't married. Those that are, we don't know that well - they travel so much! But my best friend and MIL will have some good suggestions I'm sure. And maybe H & I could POJA this!

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Absolutely! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I had a nervous night last night. H was in a new city that is also a vacation spot. I found out last night too that OW was going to be there too. But I went to sleep trying to tell myself that maybe he didn't know she was there - coincidence. Well, OW texted my H last night ... no response shows on the phone records yet, and how do I know it wasn't to let him know she almost to his hotel. Anyway. I need to calm down before he calls me today - maybe he'll tell me himself.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
He told me.

LH, read about it HERE .

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Good news in that he's being transparant with you. Are there substantive reasons why he won't get another cell phone number?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
He uses it for business ... he mentioned before that he may consider getting a new number. I think now is a really good time to do that. I just don't know how to bring this up.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
I understand his reason. Changing a business phone is always "iffy," but it can be done if there is a lot of good preparation.

You bring it up the same way you brought up things in the past couple of days, avoiding accusations and being upfront with why you're concerned. I’d do it in person. You might even combine this problem with the still lacking NC letter. Thinking out loud here, how about proposing you and he compose a short TM reading something like, "Leave us alone," and you press the enter key to send it...or something like that?

Remember POJA and your communicative skills! Get his input on how to solve the problem before you make your proposal.

Page 32 of 45 1 2 30 31 32 33 34 44 45

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 389 guests, and 59 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cliff71, Ljoct32014, fact81, dmi_112, Hanim
71,801 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5